Author's note: I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but any help with creating a more vivid setting would be appreciated. If you think it's necessary that is. Also, I'm now splitting them into segments, to insure that the chapters will be longer.
After an almost sleepless night, she awoke to see that there were faint rays of sunlight coming in through her small window, high up on the wall. But it wasn’t the light filtering in that had awoken her. Once again, the door to her cell was being unlocked and pushed open.
This time though, it wasn’t the two men from the day before, but a middle-aged woman. She shuffled in—her eyes darting everyone, taking in every little detail— her hands holding a bowl. Craning her head, the girl could see that it must be some sort of darkish colored stew. The woman placed the bowl on the bench, set a coarse wooden spoon next to it, and then left—quietly shutting the door behind herself.
Lifting herself out of the bed, the girl crawled towards the bowl and began dumping its contents down her throat. But as the liquid began sliding into her mouth and down her throat, her chest began to heave and she threw it up, spewing it all over the floor. Choking, she threw the bowl and the rest of its contents down on the ground, and threw herself back on her cot. “Some meal,” she muttered. Swallowing hard, she tried to forget the empty feeling and the now ever constant ache in her stomach.
For almost the entire morning, she stared at the floor and watched the progression of the sun, as it rose higher in the sky. As she sat there, thoughts swirled in her mind. What is my name? she wondered. And what am I?
Biting her lip, she grasped for maybe one memory that might give her a clue. But nothing would come. She could remember the time, when she and Reran had dared to go near the forest. But in that memory, she couldn’t find one spot where Reran called her by her name. Memories of her deceased mother were completely devoid of her name as well. She could hear her mother admonishing her for running in-front of a representative of the King, but there still wasn’t a name. It felt as if somebody had sifted through her memories and edited out her name, so that it would read blank.
Getting up, she walked over to where the window was, and stood up on her tiptoes—trying to see past the bars and out into the alley. The only thing that she could see though, was the faint shadowing that the big building was throwing on the house directly next to it. The grey walls seemed almost black, with the shadow crossing it.
Disappointed, she sat down on the floor and crossed her legs. It doesn’t really matter where they put me, she thought. I will never be able to escape.
Furrowing her eyebrows, she glared at the floor. Lifting up her hands in front of her face, she stared at them and ran her eyes over the lines that were placed in patterns all over her palms. As she looked, her gaze grew more intense. . The idea that somebody would imprison her, without telling her what she had done, was just intolerable in her eyes. “It doesn’t matter who they think they are,” she said, her voice becoming angry.
Growling to herself in frustration at the unfairness of the situation, she stood up and stared at the iron door that separated her from the outside world. “If I had the key…” she whispered to herself. Searching back, she remembered seeing a bunch of keys on the belt of the woman who had brought the food earlier. Maybe, I can get them somehow, she thought.
Biting her lip, she stood back and surveyed the room, with a clear goal in mind. She knew that they usually brought her food twice a day, which meant the woman, would most likely be back in around three hours. That was at least her estimation, by judging the position of the sun that she could now see high in the sky.
But what am I to do, once she comes?
That was something that she knew would be difficult. The woman that had come in, was taller and broader looking than most. Looking down at her own body, she knew it would be a difficult task beating her. Her limbs were small and compact, and comparing hers to the other, she knew it was basically an impossible task to even attempt.
Frowning, she looked around the room searching for something to use as a weapon of sorts. The only thing she could see that could be a possibility was the wooden bench in the corner. Walking over to it, she turned it upside down and kicked at one of the legs. Surprisingly enough, she could see a crack starting to go up its side and bending over, she wrenched at it with her hands and the leg snapped off and into her hand. Inspecting it, she could see that the wood wasn’t that strong, but would be strong enough to knock someone out.
Holding the leg of the bench in her hand, she sat down on her bed and tried to still the shaking in her legs. “Just knock her out,” she muttered. “Nothing else is required.”
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Heya ThereseCricket,pretzelsing here for a review of another cahotervof your novel. I will be writing this reviews in block of time(just like I think you do) sonpleae excuse my disconnection.I will just also write as I go along.
Let's begin,shall we?
Alright so I think that you have to many adjectives describing night: an, almost, sleepless. I would just cut the almost out of that. Remember to replace an with a if you decide to do that.
Did I miss something?? When did the guards open this cell door in this big house? Isn't this her new cell, and her first night here?
OK here I noticed a inconsistency. I thought that in the first paragraph you said that the window was high above her head, right? How can be she be looking down at the floor, while the window where the sun shines through is up? This just doesn't make sense.
So much repetition here, actually to much. All the words in bills are about her gaze/eyesight. I think that I counted stuff and I would cut out the unnecessary ones. Do you see what I mean??
I don't quite think that the word growling fits there. I imagine something more like a growlin bear when I see that. Maybe something more like huff or puff in frustration?
I honestly don't really understand your ending. What does Rona mean that this is what is required of her?I find that lib do ironic because that is the opposite of what she is required,she is just required to sit integer jail cell and not attempt escape.
Now onto the general,you want me to help you get more descriptive. So I think that since Rona describes and looks at the sun so often,maybe you can tell us the colors of the sunset??(pink,purple,red,etc)
Another point was when she was having memories of her and Reran close to the woods in the first couple paragraphs. You could really expand that and make it deeper,you know??
Does Rona have a more specific plan as to how she will attempt to escape??I mean,how will she hit the woman with the bench and when? what if the woman screams and alerts the guards. Tell us in detail her thought process.
Overall, I think that this chapter was well-written,but I think that it was necessary. When is the next chapter coming out??I and dying to see what happens. I hope that this review helps and you can reply below if you have any questions
Hi there!
I've been so excited to read more of this novel. It's really good and I'm so invested in the story. Just wanted to let you know
You use the word 'begin' a lot here
I really like the description of how she's trying to remember her name. It really sheds some light on her whole problem here. I don't know about you, but I have never had a time when I couldn't remember my name (hehe) so it's hard for me to even imagine. But the way you describe it is just great. The description is very much needed too because we as readers have no idea what's going on. It's something you could've easily skipped over and just given us the surface level of things. You didn't though, and I like that.
Your descriptions are great. This chapter is full of descriptions and everything non-dialogue so of course they have to be great, which is exactly what they are. I could imagine every little thing that she was doing, every movement she made. I understood her motives for everything, her reasoning for kicking off the bench leg, wanting to knock out the lady that brought her the food. It's amazing how even in a shorter chapter, you're able to convey to us exactly what the girl is thinking and how she's feeling. Sure we got some of that in the last chapter, but this one is where she spends her first day actually being held captive. It's always tough to write about people like that because what can you really have them do? I'm sure in real life most people would just sleep and cry or something. Not your character though. And once you really got in her head, you were able to relay the information and feelings to us so well.
Is she a wood expert? Or an expert on knocking people out with wood? I'm just wondering how else she would know this
Well, I don't have much else to say. Okay, that's a lie. I could really go on and on about all the things I love in this chapter and this story in general, but then what would I write in my other reviews? And I have to point out some things that could be worked on. Otherwise that wouldn't be helpful. Just know this: I am super impressed with this story and it's coming together nicely. I can't wait to read more. (Didn't I already say that at the beginning?? Well, now I've told you twice :3)
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Therese!
Either way, you managed to build a fair share of suspense that way. I like it ^.^ Also, it's nice to know that the girl is getting ready to try and escape. I like how she may be weak, but strong enough to know that she wants out of this place.
) and what she could be wearing. It's all clues to unlock a little bit more as to how she got herself into this situation. Otherwise the setting is perfect <3
Sheesh, it has taken me a while to get here. I don't really have much of an excuse
but feel free to blame Timmy if you want toLet's start with the good, shall we? I can tell that this is a pretty strong chapter because I don't have much feedback for you. Everything is described perfectly and I like how you explained how the memories didn't seem to wipe out everything in her mind, but simply her name. It's such a select thing that I wonder how it happened and what is so important about her name. Maybe we will get to see in the future
In terms of setting, I think you managed it very well here! We get to see what she can from the outside and we know what the woman looks like as well as all that is around her. Yes, I would like a bit more description of herself as in the girl, but otherwise you're doing wonderful. What I meant by about the girl, I felt like when she said she wouldn't be able to take out the woman it would've been the perfect moment to say that it's because she is hungry, skinnier from lack of nourishing food and also weak, while the woman is strong. I've also been wondering at her appearance (not like you can do the mirror trick in this novel, though
I think you mean 'everywhere' instead of everyone.
Maybe change the second usage of the word throat to vary things up a bit. How about: but as the liquid began sliding into her mouth and through her body...
Wow, she has been doing a lot of throwing here. How about another word to describe the way she ends up back on her cot instead? I'll leave this to you to choose and change.
I was surprised by this! All the commas in each of these sentences isn't really necessary, and can be removed. Usually you are pretty good when it comes to this kind of thing, so I was surprised to see these little punctuation mistakes. But then again, sometimes we have those days
I liked this chapter, and there is only one more thing I can ask of it. It would be nice to see a few more emotions and thoughts running through her mind. Yes, we know her opinion on the guards, and we know how she can't remember her name, and that she has this hefty task on her hands as she is going to try and escape. But I want to know how all this makes her feel. Does she feel hopeful, or more so at loss that this escape attempt is going to fail? Does she feel annoyed with herself because she can't remember something as simple as her own name? Does she blame herself? All these emotions being mentioned would only add more to the story, so don't forget to add them in and let them reveal things about this character.
Looking forward to whenever you have the next chapter posted. Keep writing! I want to see more of this up soon <3
Deanie x
Ohhh, thank you sooo much Olivia! Yeah, I can see now that she should definitely have some more feelings going through her at the moment. Hehe, I think I completely forgot about that aspect for that chapter, sooo thank youu very much for that.
Oh, and this is my novel for NaNo, and I decided to not post any of it until NaNo is done and over with and then go back and edit them and THEN post them. I thought it might help me get them out faster.
Thank you sooo much Olivia!
I will be waiting until then
Secret Of The One, we meet again.
In accordance with tradition, I have to say, I love this story and everything in it. Seriously. Now on to other matters.
"It felt as if somebody had sifted through her memories and edited out her name, so that it would read blank." You don't really need this, because you said something similar to it ("It was as if something had taken and sifted through her memories, and removed the ones that contained the necessary information and then placed them back without her ever noticing.")in chapter 3. On here, with posts spread out, it doesn't attract that much attention, but in a real book, with this chapter right after 3, it will seem repetitive.
That was the only flaw I could find, congrats. I don't think anymore description is needed. I'm on a time crunch, so this is all I can do. Keep writing and have a happy NaNoWrMo!
ahh, I totally see what you mean by that! I will edit that out in the final edit, and thank you soo much for finding that! <333333 *hates redundancy* Thank youuu!
Helloooooo. Yup, I'm reviewing pretty early. Me, being punctual? Yes. (PLUS, your brother and I are trying to get to our goal up until November the 1st).
I had to laugh when I saw this. Does this particular sentence remind you of anything?
I just need to say that "high up on the wall" isn't really needed. Windows are usually high up on the wall anyway
The Em-Dash is in the wrong place. It just felt like it was placed awkwardly. It should be arranged like so: "The woman placed the bowl on the bench, setting a coarse wooden spoon next to it—then she left, quietly shutting the door behind herself." Ce? It seems a little better this way
Whut? WHUT? THerese... you didn't. :O you forget to put her dialogue as a separate paragraph!
I'm just wondering what was so bad about the food. Was it bitter? Too sweet? Too sour? Too lumpy? Please explain.
No comma needed
No comma needed again x)
*stares at dots* Is that ellipsis or two full stops?
:O Dialogue needs to be split up again into a different paragraph.
If you had a key you wouldn't be in there in the first place xD You'd be a guard.
What is she going to do... jump her? Knock her out? I felt so left out of this when I read it, like the MC was giving all her thoughts.
No comma needed
x) Sorry. But the comma shouldn't be there!
What about the wooden spoon? xD
Um... is that even possible? Even old, wooden stuff is hard to break. Though you can wrench it off if you're strong enough. Though kicking it I'm not sure about
I loved the ending by the way! <3 I enjoyed reading all of it really. You can tell you think about these things in great detail. I liked that a lot! Great job. I don't have much to say on the plot because I think this chapter was short and you can't really go into depth with the plot as much because it is near to the beginning of the story when we don't know all that much
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
It is beautiful. Personally, I love it and wouldn't change a thing.
Your language is great, and it succeeds in making the entire plot come to life before the reader's eyes. The use of expressions is nice too.
The story does have potential, and it'll come out to be something amazing, I'm sure.
A job very well done! =)
Thank you so much for the encouraging review! I really appreciate this, and you have encouraged me to continue with this. <3333333