Author's note: This was written for NaNo, and I haven't actually edited that much of it. More like a quick scan through, is all I can say for it. Quite honestly, I'm not entirely sure about this chapter and would really appreciate some help with the description if you think the work needs it. Also, I'm not too sure about the language that her captor uses, and would like an opinion or two on it.
The quiet room did nothing to calm her pulsing heart and quickened breath. Even the very sound of the birds chirping outside her window, did nothing to still the adrenaline that was coursing through her body at that moment. Every sound that she could hear was a constant reminder of what could happen after she completed the task that she had set for herself.
Setting the piece of wood down on her cot, she curled her legs under herself and watched the door. One finger stroked the piece of wood, and then another. She gently brushed her fingers over it, trying to imagine what it would feel like, to feel and hear the crack of the wooden stick against the woman’s head and body. The very idea of it began to sound appealing in her mind.
Then she shuddered. This isn’t me, she thought. I don’t try to imagine hurting someone, and shouldn’t want to do it. I cannot become what they think I am!
Then she set her teeth. “You will have to think differently if you are to survive now,” she murmured to herself. “You must think like a killer, in order to thrive.”
Brushing her hair out of her face, she stood up on her cot to gaze out the window. The sun’s position told her that her meal would be brought very soon. Perhaps even in a few minutes, she thought.
Sitting back down on the bed, she tried to get ahold of her jittery nerves and the fluttering feeling that was coming all the more apparent in her stomach. Even the very taste in her mouth, was changing to something bitter. Swallowing hard, she tried to grasp in full what she was going to have to do.
Don’t hurt her too badly, was the constant thought that bounced back and forth in her mind. Just knock her out, and be done with it for good.
The jingling of the keys next to the door, brought another bought of shaking to her legs, but she squashed down the feeling of fear. Standing up, she crept slowly to the door and stood behind it, ready to crack the stick down on the woman’s head. The door began to open, its hinges creaking as it went.
Wiggling her toes, she tightened her hold on the stick, and closed her eyes. Taking a deep breath through her nose, she concentrated on slowing her breathing and building up a core of resolve in her center. As the door opened up all the way, she swung her body around the door and brought it down on the woman’s head.
At least that was how she had planned it. As she brought the stick up and started to swing it around, somebodies hand reached out and grabbed it. Looking up to see the person’s face, she jumped back, stumbling and falling to the floor as she did. A jolt of pain went up her leg from her ankle, but she could barely feel it.
The person standing in front of her was one of the men from yesterday, but this time his facial expression wasn’t one of just bored contempt. It was one of anger. Looking at his hand, she could see splinters protruding from it.
Even though he looked angrier than anybody she had ever seen, she still felt a twinge of gladness go through her, at the pain that she had just cost him.
But the joy was short-lived. He reached down and grabbed her arm, hauling her to her feet. “Would you just leave me alone!” she shouted at him, trying to wrench her arm away from him.
“Come here, you witch,” he growled at her, wrapping his hand around her arm, and digging his nails into her flesh.
As he stood her up, she twisted her body around and kicked him in the stomach. As he doubled over gasping for breath, she tried putting her weight on the ground and another jolt of pain went up her ankle. Gritting her teeth, she tried to dodge around the man, only to be grabbed by the waist and flung to the ground once again.
“Stay put, you little cuss,” he snarled. “You’re not getting away quite yet.”
“You have no right to do this to me!” she choked out, her head reeling from the pain. “I am innocent of everything!”
“You are charged with treason!” he roared back at her. “And that is all you need to know.”
“T-treason?” she stuttered. “When were you planning on telling me this? When I’m dead!”
“I have said enough,” he said, his voice now weary and defeated. “In fact I’ve said over what I should have.” He frowned as he said that, and she could hear a twinge of regret could his voice. People give away too much information when angry, she thought. Taking that bit of information, she stored it away—hoping to use it at a later time.
“Now,” the man began, “you are to get up and come with me. Immediately.”
Wincing, she pushed her body up and carefully placed a small bit of weight on her injured ankle. Small little jabs of pain ran up her leg but moving it around carefully, she could tell that it wasn’t broken or sprained too badly. Looking up at the man, she tried to work up an expression that would look pitiful. But her jaw line felt too tight, and her eyes refused to get long and teary.
“Where are we going?” she asked, trying to put a slight quaver to her voice. On the outside, she knew that the appearance of a scared, helpless young girl were her best chances for survival. On the inside though, she could feel the anger start to boil up again. And the desire to just blow up every man, women, and child that had anything to do with the charges laid against her.
“If you’re lucky, you won’t be going to the gallows.” The man bent down and fastened shackles around her feet. She resisted the urge to kick him straight in the face this time, but she knew that this wasn’t going to last for very long.
Being shackled like an animal, she thought. Criminals who have committed crimes are shackled, but not people like me.
As the thoughts blurred through her head, one right after other in a mad chase for each one to come out on top, she felt cold metal on her wrists. Jerking back and then looking up, she saw that they were also shackling her hands once again. “No,” she breathed. “Please, just don’t.”
She shook her head, actual tears coming to her eyes. “Please. I can’t bear them anymore.”
The man drew his eyebrows in, and glared at her. “You are to be shackled like any other criminal. Now give me your hands.” Reaching forward, he grabbed her hands and began to chain them together.
And that was when it began to happen.
The anger that she had been feeling, boiled over into one big mess. In her mind, she imagined it like a huge volcano just about ready to burst. And then it did. Throwing huge pots of lava and rock into the air, covering and destroying everything its path. This is what she imagined it like, and it wasn’t far from the truth.
The next two minutes was something that even she couldn’t exactly tell what had happened. Screaming words that she didn’t know the meaning of, she jumped forward and kicked the man straight up. Then something knocked her about, and she flew to the other side of the room, hitting her head on a stone slab.
Through a blurry, red, haze, she could see a flash of bright light and then it vanished and she could only see that the man was lying on the ground, smoke rising from his chest. Moving her head slightly, she tried to clear her vision. The redness only intensified though, and reaching up to feel her head, she felt with the tips of her fingers, the huge gash that was on the side of her head. “Must get up,” she groaned, her voice barely a whisper.
Her limbs, though, felt like pieces of lead that had been boiled and re-molded to fit their purposes. Only the purpose wasn’t to fit her immediate needs of running and escaping. Instead they felt lifeless and glued to the floor, unable to move. Even her brain felt slow and the signals that were being sent were sluggish. “Just move your arm,” she muttered.
At first she tried her finger and it moved. Then her arm. She pushed her body up by her arms, and reclined back on her elbows, gasping for breath. Even though the gash had left her body—especially her vision—weak and exhausted, she grabbed onto the wall and clung to it as she slowly pulled herself up, till she was standing on one foot.
Then she slowly let go of the wall and placed her full weight on her injured ankle. A small shoot of pain, but nothing more happened. Must not have been that bad of a sprain then, she thought. Moving slowly forward, careful to not twist her body in a funny way, she went towards the man lying on the ground in front of the door.
As she walked past him, she could see the huge hole in his chest and the smoke rising off of it. His shirt was full of blood His head lolled off to the side and blood was running from his mouth, forming a puddle on the floor beside him. Looking down at him, she knew there was no way he was alive. “What happened?” she asked herself. Looking up at the ceiling, she saw nothing changed in it. Not even a small hole was present in its plaster.
Rubbing her hands together, she stared down at them and wondered what had happened. “It wasn’t me,” she said out loud to herself. “Right? I can’t do something like that....”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” a voice whispered. “There will be a time when you will be able to do much more.”
Eyes widened, she turned her head every which direction searching for the source of the voice. But every corner of the room was empty, and there wasn’t a sound to be heard anymore. Maybe I’ve gone a little insane or something, she thought, rubbing her hand across her forehead. Looking around, she once again confirmed that the room was empty and listening carefully, the voice had become silent. Her head wheeling from what she had just heard, she took a deep breath and slowed her breathing down. “Just think,” she whispered.
She knew that once they found the door open and his body lying there, then they would know that she had escaped. But she also knew that he was someone who wasn’t popular and wasn’t likely to be missed too much. “Well that can be used to my advantage,” she said, a smile creeping across her face. Grabbing a hold of his legs she pushed and pulled at his body, trying to move it out of the pathway of the door. Her small arm muscles felt slightly sore when she done, but she managed to drag his body over to the side of the room, without making too much noise. Well, men sure are heavy, she thought, shaking her head with astonishment.
Now stepping over his body, she moved towards the door and the fresh air that she knew would come with the now so close freedom. The whisk of freshness to her nose and the feel of the cold brisk wind to her face, made her almost feel free. Bending down, she felt her ankle to make sure it wasn’t swollen. Insured that it wasn’t, she looked up to face the task that was now at hand.
To get out of the village and go beyond. To try and find a place far away from home, that would give her reasons of why she was being treated in this fashion. To give a reason as to why she had been thrown into jail and told that she was guilty of treason and would be sentenced to be hung.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Heya ThereseCricket, pretzelsing here for a review. I read through this chapter twice so let's begin, shall we?
OK so how was it silent if she heard the birds chirping? That didn't sound like silent to me
This is essentially saying the same thing, and repetition of such a little task isn't necessary here at all.
Maybe instead of angrier you could the angriest of all people. I think that comparison fits better.
I don't think that she was expecting our going to get pity from her captor because she just hit him hard and he's too angry trio adobe with her pitiful expressions. Is Rona really that naive?
How is this possible? This seems very unrealistic in my eyes.
The word "which" doesn't have to be on here. I feel like it just doesn't belong. Do you see what I mean, Therese?
Is there meaning and purpose behind this sentence? Or are you trying to take the east way out as an author or you're too lazy/, rushed to describe this?I have noticed that a lot of people have done this.
Alright I actually have two problems with this sentence. I despise sentences that start with "but" because it's a conjunction that connects two sentences together. Also, that anymore at the end doesn't need to be there.
OK we understand that the voice stopped speaking, you don't have to tallest a sentence like this.
I would write that senesce and as our remove those words to make it flow better. It had some missing words and reads as choppy.
Didn't she realize this before?
First of all, I feel like she won't feel free for at least a couple more chapters. It's too soon to be thinking about this, Rona. Why does she have to get her hopes up? Also essentially both of these sentences have the same meaning so I would choose one. I personally prefer the second one since it's more descriptive. So it would be:
"Now stepping over his body the whisk of freshness . . . "
Alright, note onto the general. I will try to outline the things in your A/N. ^^
Description: The fight scenes seem very unclear in my mind, like I can't picture it that well. I know that you can do better with describing it. I think what's hindering you is that this is to fast-paced and almost rushed That's why I hate NaNo-because you rush . The fight scene was two minutes? Expand it to make it seem like allow motion and write 2 paragraphs on each minute, just a suggestion.
Also, I don't get the feeling that Rona was severely hurt. :/ How you describe it makes it seem like nothing big happened, almost trifle.
Show, not tell. You are telling the story here, instead of showing it. I can't stress that enough. My advice is, cut out the adjectives and adverbs and have very specific and precise verbs for the fight.
"The difference between the almost right weird, and the perfect weird is the same as the difference of lightning and a lightning big." <,< I forgot who said that, but I think that is was some famous writer.
I read over the guards dialogue and the only inconsistency that I see is this one line
Witch indicates mastic, and Rona surely isn't magical. The rest of the dialogue of the guard seems very realistic and harsh and strict. *gives you a thumbs up*
Overall, I think that this chapter was well-written but I know also that you can do better and improve. Anyways that's it from me and I hope that this helps you in your editing process.
Hi there!
I'm back to read more
You've done a great job diving into her character in this chapter. Especially in the beginning. I was left wondering at the end of the last part whether she was going to feel guilty about attacking someone she barely knew like that. Turns out she is, which is totally normal. It really adds to her character. I was under the impression that she was a nice person to begin with and this really reinforced that idea. Even if she convinces herself to think like a killer, the argument she has with herself about it is enough to convince me.
Oh. my. gosh. This won't be much of a review because I'm freaking out over here. Like, in a good way. How did she do that?! I literally gasped when I read it. It was so well written and then it just happened and then... gah. Now I can't even talk in complete sentences. Thanks ;P
So now we, and she, know something about her: she has some sort of magical ability. I mean, how else could that have happened? And seeing as the man had called her a witch in the first place, I'm thinking she might be one. Or at least a type of witch. That could just be what they call people with her kind of powers. It might not necessarily mean that she's an actual witch. Psh, what am I telling all of this to you for? You already know! But anyway...
You asked for help with the way the captor talks. I think you did a brilliant job with it in all honesty. Villains are hard to write sometimes because we're never as evil as our villains. So how are we supposed to know if what we're writing is evil enough? The way you wrote him is great so don't you worry about it. Using a bunch of insults and using dialogue tags such as 'spat' and 'said cooly' or having them laugh when the hero is trying to be heroic is a great way to make villains evil. Of course with yours, he called her names and threw her to the ground, not willing to take any crap from her. And that's what made it work.
Again, great job with this chapter! This has to be my favorite so far.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks, Noelle!
This review is probably the most encouraging one I've seen, and I reaaally appreciate that.
Yeah, I'm actually starting to work out how she did it. Maybe I should research some magic stuff before I get any farther.
Thank you so much! This review really encouraged me to keep going with this. *not matter how slow* ^^
Hi Therese!
Ooh I remember this was the novel you were having trouble writing. I am sorry for taking a while to get to this, but I will do the best I can with this! Most of the comments I have are nitpicks though, because this was a pretty good chapter in itself when it comes to the content.
Apart from still not knowing her name, I loved it. She hasn't been imprisoned for very long, but we could see the desperation in her when she was being shackled and didn't understand why, or when we saw how she was having pretty dark thoughts of violence about an old lady simply because she wanted to escape. I get the impression that if this girl is put into the wrong hands she could become a dangerous enemy to have, and you did that very well. I also liked how we saw some sort of power, or at least I think it was one. I suppose that's why she is seen to be a criminal, although she has yet to figure that all out herself. I hope she is able to. And then ending was pretty uplifting as well, because we can see how she is intending to find the answers she needs, and wants to understand why those people did what they did to her. You did a great job with explaining her emotions and her reasoning for her actions.
Okay, what I think would've been more helpful when it comes to bringing across how powerful she is, would've been if you described the results of the outburst to us in more detail. You did mention that the guard was on the floor there in blood and everything, but blood is just blood in the end. We need something more that is going to creep us out. Show us the hole in his chest in more detail, tell us about twisted limbs and his mutilated face. It might sound a bit gory, but secretly a lot of readers like those details and the creepier the more sinister her power sounds at the moment as well. It would drive the point home a bit more as well.
Another thing is that she says no one is going to miss the guard. I think maybe they will? Wasn't he there to bring her somewhere, after all? If I were her I would be trying to get out of there before they realize no one is coming and get out. Who cares about a body when they already believe her to be a crazed criminal as well? And then the entrance of the old woman is never really explained... why was an old woman doing a job which most likely should be done by guards? That was a bit confusing in my opinion.
The comma in this sentence is not needed, and I would cut the last three words in this sentence just to make it shorter and easier to read
I think the problem with your writing style here is that you have a lot of little words in the sentences where you could easily have fewer. Because you have so many in there, it's easy to stumble over your words and lose the rhythm. Try reading the above sentence and see if you understand why I mean. That one could easily be rewritten to read something like 'Every sound that she could hear reminded her of what could happen once she completed the task.'
This may be two paragraphs away, but I think the repetition of 'set' and 'setting' could easily be resolved. Make the latter one putting instead and dilemma averted!
Hm, there doesn't need to be that little repetition in the middle of this sentence. It could easily be written as 'what it would feel like to hear the crack...' etc. Then it flows better and there isn't a bit of a stumble in the sentence.
Because of a lot of readers reading quickly, they are likely going to end up confused with the two similar looking words in there. The problem can be solved if you change the sentence to 'brought after shaking her legs.'
I think you meant somebody's instead, because the hand belongs to them.
*woman
I think you mean 'one right after another'. I think that the second sentence is a bit weird as well because it says they when there is only a he, and then it also says shackling her hands once again when this is the first time they were being shackled? That had me a bit confused as to what you meant.
No need for the word then after the comma. It can be cut.
Comma needed after the well.
I don't think you give a reason in this situation, but find instead.
Overall, there isn't too much for me to say that hasn't been said. Aside from technical things this was a pretty good chapter and I liked seeing how she has broken herself free. I wonder how she will get along outside of where she is, and if anyone is going to be willing to help her. The voices in her head was also an interesting addition. Let me know if you manage to write and post more!
Deanie x
Hi, Therese!
I've been just reading for a few chapters, but I decided to do a review of this one.
First off, I think the setting is pretty interesting, but I can't actually tell whether it's modern or kind of medieval (I mean, there's a King's procession) and I think you should specify in the story. I get the feeling that whether it's modern or not kind of determines part of the plot.
Second, in the next chapters, I want to hear more about her friends... *checks first chapter* ...Nina and Reran. They sound cool, and I would think the girl would be brooding over that a little more. I know that if my friends betrayed me and let me be arrested to be hanged, I would be pretty preoccupied thinking about them (not in a good way, too).
Third, I think that the whole "beat up, red vision" thing is a little dramatic. I can't help but feel like, even though the descriptions here are frankly beautiful , she would definitely either fall unconscious or go into serious shock if she was that badly hurt. She was wounded from before, too, her arm and ankles.
Fourth, I love, love, love, love, love the idea of the energy pulse that killed the angry jailer man.I wonder if that has anything to do with being "chosen"... Or to do with her tattoo... *is extremely interested* But wasn't she still wearing shackles the whole time? I mean, in chapter 3, I think, it says that her hands were still bound when she was thrown in the cell.
Anyway, now I'm completely addicted to this story, so please publish some more soon!
~Curiosity killed the Cat
Thanks for the review! Yes, I completely see where you're going with the setting, and I'll work on that. I think I had the idea of a medieval setting but hadn't really taken the pains to get the feel of it in there. Thank you very much for mentioning that and bringing it to my attention.
Now about the shackles... I honestly just made a big mess up, I can see that now. I am thinking I'll have them take the shackles off her when she gets put in her new prison, as I have some sort of little thing that I want to pull off after the energy pulse goes through and stuff. xD
Again, thank you so much for reviewing! I really appreciate it.
Well that was interesting! Not entirely sure what's going on, but due to your writing I was able to pick up on it pretty quickly. Is there a reason your protagonist doesn't get a name, or will we find out later?
One nitpick I have is you tend to overwrite; Brevity is the soul of wit, they say, and you have to use it to your advantage else you'll end up with word stew.
For example:
Aside from the sheer volume of blood required to form a puddle from mouth-blood (seems a little cartoonish eh?), you could totally trim this down. Unless you're alliterating, you might want to try not to use the same word too many times as well, such as "blood."
How about
I think you could break this paragraph up. Especially when she says "Well, that can be used to my advantage." I would break right before dialogue tags, so people can see it right off instead of possibly skimming over.
Hope this helped!
Yes, this did help! Quite a bit actually. The reason why she doesn't have a name yet, is because she can't remember it! I'm still working on bringing that in, but hopefully I'll be able to make it work.
I see what you mean about overwriting and I'll definitely work on it. Thank you so much for reviewing! I really appreciate it.