Author's note: Alright, I've made a couple of changes. The dog from the last chapter is gone, as I thought it was pretty silly, and she also cannot remember her name. In the last chapter she could remember her name, but I've changed it around so that she doesn't now. Just wanted to make sure nobody got mixed up. Thanks a million guys!
A cold draft had filtered in through the window now, and the goose bumps that had formed earlier were now more prominent on her skin.
Plopping back down on her haunches she rubbed her face with her hands. The streaks of dirt that were on her face, now smeared and became more prominent. Sighing, she stood up and moved away from the window.
“This is ridiculous,” she grumbled to herself. “It’s not like I can do anything. They can’t even prove I’m one, without raising mother back from the dead.”
Feeling the cold stone beneath her bare feet, made her dislike the idea of sitting down, but she did it anyway. Pulling up her legs, she placed her chin on top of her knees. This position might get a little old in a few hours, she thought. But at least I can think.
As the hours passed and the sun rose higher in the sky, she kept getting the feeling that something was happening. No one was coming by her cell. Not even the guard who usually brought the food.
She chewed on her lip, feeling the cut that had been opened previously. The taste of blood filled her mouth. Tasting it, brought out the memories of them pulling her away from the post, which she had so stubbornly clung to. She could remember distantly hitting her face against it. So hard, that a cut had been opened on her upper lip.
Reaching up, she touched her mouth gingerly. The blood came off onto her finger, and she stared at it, reveling in the darkness of the red liquid. The image began to blur, and she reached up to wipe her eyes with her hand.
“Just focus on getting out of here,” she muttered to herself. “Just focus.”
Standing up, she moved towards the door and pushed on it, feeling the strength of the oaken door and its iron lock. Sealed tight. Not going to move anytime soon. Kicking it to make sure that it was in fact not going to move, she stumbled back slightly, grimacing at the sudden twinge of pain in her big toe.
Standing back she surveyed the room again. Looking towards the window, she shook her head and dismissed the thought. There would be no way out through that way. The iron bars were so tightly fixed together; she doubted a two year old child would be able to squeeze through.
Down below, where the walls ended and the floor began, there was a slight gap, where she could see outside her prison. But it was covered completely around the entire room, with iron spikes, that were barely half an inch apart. Scarcely any room to fit her pinkie through, let alone anyway to fit her entire body through.
There just doesn’t seem to be any way out…
Raking her hands through her disheveled hair in frustration, she leaned against the wall. Even when she had been a very small child, she could remember hating to be put in confined places. Folding her arms tightly around her body, she lay down on the floor and huddled in the corner. The tight feeling in her chest seemed to become lighter, as she wrapped her arms more securely around herself.
Lying in that position, she dozed for a few hours, not caring that the cold stone floor was against her bare legs and sending shivers up her back.
A grating noise woke her out of the half sleep and she sat up. Somebody’s coming down the steps, she thought. Looking around frantically, she saw a small metal bar that must have cracked off a while ago, and had been forgotten in a corner.
Crawling over to it, she grabbed the bar, slightly grimacing when the metal flakes that had rusted off over time, lodged themselves into her hands. Crouching down in the corner, she listened as the locks to the door of her cell began to jingle and then the clunking noise as it was unlocked and the door was thrust open.
Without waiting to see who it was, she launched herself at the two people who were standing in the doorway, aiming to hit them with the metal bar.
Instead of the satisfying crack of bone that she was expecting to hear, she found herself thrown to the ground, with a gash opened up on her forehead. For a moment she lay there, feeling the blood gush forth on her face. As if it were far off in the distance, she could hear two voices talking. It was faint and she couldn’t distinguish the words. Get up and fight, she thought to herself.
Standing up shakily, she faced them. “Who are you?” she asked, her eyes searching frantically for the metal bar.
“We are to investigate you,” one said. He stood closer to her, and upraised her form. “You are—how old?”
“I’m fourteen, soon to be fifteen. Who sent you here?”
“Fourteen… what is so special about you, that you would be chosen?” he muttered, walking around her.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she snapped back. “Now who sent you here?”
“What you really should be asking is what we’re going to do with you?” the other man said. He stepped forward, and took her by the arm. “Perhaps you don’t understand the depth of your crime. And perhaps you are hoping that you will be able to get away with this.”
“What are you talking about?” she shouted, ripping her arm out of his grasp. “I have done nothing! Nothing.”
“Quite the contrary. Do you remember your name?” the man asked.
She stopped; her mind that had been alive with worry and anxiety now went cold and numb. What is my name? she thought. She grasped for a memory. Anything that would help. But all she could remember were the names and faces of others.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Heya ThereseCricket, pretzelsing here of a review of the second chapter of your novel! YAY!
Let's begin,shall we?
Here is my legend of color(for nitpicks):
Pink~Removal
Blue~Correction
Purple~Addition
Green~Suggestion
I love love love <333 your style of writing overall, and this chapter really pulled me in.
There is repetition in these two quotes even though they were talking about two different things. The first one was about goosebumps and the second one was about dirt. Anyways, you repeated two words "prominent" and "now". Okay so I think that dirt on your face is a little bit more noticeable then goosebumps on your skin. So here is what I would do(look above) ^_^
I think that Mother should have a capital M since it is a name referring to her.
Just wanted to say that I sit in this position all of the time. in fact it's my default position that I always have whenever I sit on a floor
I think that this sentence was kind of redundant because you used "way" twice.We know what "that" is because you wrote it before.
I personally really dislike when a sentence starts with "but" just because that is a conjunction that should go to the beginning of the sentence.If you look up in that quote "completely" and "entire" convey the same meaning.
The word anyway, isn't needed here, unless you meant it separate: "any way".
You don't need the second "corner" quote because unless Rona moved away to another spot, then she is still staying in the same place where she fell asleep.
What,why did she get a huge gash on her forehead? Who did this and why? This kind of seems randomly owie-owie
These two sentence ^_^ are essentially and practically saying the same thing. Rona couldn't hear the voices.We get that!
Why does Rona have to add that extra detail about her almost being "fifteen". In real life, people do that if they want to act older or if their birthday is coming up very soon. I do that to act older Anyways, if it's not that necessary I would put that phrase out of here
I think that you should put a colon between the two questions in that quote,just to separate them. A question inside a question. [s]how clever of he guard[/c] c:
I would take out one or the other"perhaps' unless this is a guard's style of speech. This repetition is very noticeable.Good writer's try to make repetition dispersed throughout the text if necessary
That's it from the nitpicks. Now onto the general:
Why is it such a big deal that the guard is making if she remembers her name or not? What does that really mean? Also, when she was saying "nothing, I did nothing" did that mean that she forgot(her memories were erased) or that she was trying to cover something up? Because right now, I am as clueless as Rona sounds to be. What did she do and who is she really?
In this whole chapter not once does she think about Reran or her Mother(except that she is dead). If her mother died recently, shouldn't she be mourning the death of her mother? I mean, she has literally all day to that because she is stuck in this cell and she can't get out. Is there no regret, or feeling of wanting/missing her mother? Maybe Rona is thinking about how she wished her mother would be here to comfort/hug her and Reran to help her get out of this.Do you see what I mean,Therese?
Anyways, that's it from me. I hope that this review helps you improve this well-written chapter. If you have any questions please feel free to reply below.
Heya, sis! Your annoying little sister Chrissy here!
Man, this is terrible! jk. I actually love it, sorta.
Taste and tasting! I don't think so!
What happen to the bar?
Whoops, I'm getting cut. Out of time! Sorry.
I DIDN'T SEE THIS. SUE ME PLEASE.
Yes, yes... redundancy. Me bad. I will get rid of that.
What did happen to the bar? Well, that's something I clearly missed out on. xD I'll add that detail as soon as I can.
Thanks for the review, sis!
Hi there!
I knew there was something I hadn't been reviewing... ^_^ No worries, I'm here now. Let's do this, shall we? Oh, also please forgive any of my ignorance because I haven't really read the first chapter in a while.
The first part of this thought just seems odd to me. I hold thoughts as high as dialogue on my list of important parts of a novel. Maybe it's just because I really like studying people and learning about their character (in a totally non-creepy way of course xD) that I look for that realistic element in any kind of writing. And I just don't see someone thinking that the way they're sitting would get old later. I could understand her thinking about how uncomfortable it is. What she's thinking now though just seems out of place.
Another thing about the part I quoted: she doesn't actually think about anything at that moment, or after that moment. She decides that she can think, but no thoughts come to her mind. A few paragraphs later, she gets up and starts trying to find a way out. Maybe you could use that to tie into her thoughts. Maybe she's been sitting there for hours thinking of ways to get out. Then she could've gotten up to try them. Just a suggestion. I figured I'd point it out though.
I really like the tiny bit you put in there about her hating confined spaces when she was younger. It's something small, but it definitely adds to her character. I look for those kind of things when I read as well. Some people skip right over it or don't even bother considering it, but I appreciate it. It helps us relate with her. We might not be claustrophobic, but we can understand having a fear from childhood. And it helps us understand what her emotions and reactions are going to be. Did I actually make a point in this paragraph?? xD I think I did. Ah yes, tidbits of character development. I love it!
Ooooooh, I really, really like this line. I can't pinpoint one single thing that I like; I just like it ^_^
One thing I wish you would've done here at the end was describe what the men looked like. I know that it seems to interrupt the flow when you pause to describe, but it could be important. For example, are they doing this on their own accord or are they forced to do this? If they have hard or disgusted looks on their faces, it would hint that they're part of all of this. However, if they're a bit tentative and have lost looks in their eyes, we'd know that it was hardly their decision to do any of this.
What I really like about your writing style is that you take the time to really get inside your characters' minds and tell us the story from there. This chapter consists of mostly the MC's thoughts and feelings, which is great! We really get to know her even though we don't know her name or what the heck is happening to her. And I'm impressed that you were able to do that in third person POV. It's easy to do in first person, but third focuses just as much on what's happening around the characters as it focuses on what's happening inside the character, so to speak. That'll really become an advantage as the novel progresses.
I shall get to the other chapters soon!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you so much, Noelle!
I appreciate it.
Yeah, I totally see what you mean about the character's thoughts, and I'll work on that. Thank you so much for pointing that out, as I don't think I would have seen it on my own.
Thanks for the review!
Hi Therese!
I best catch up.
Anyway, point is that these questions are probably what should be running through her head at the beginning of the next chapter, and I hope they are!
It was about I got round to reading this story again. And you also have another chapter posted already! Someone has been busy
I think I like this better, with her name forgotten. I feel like she is someone we shouldn't be able to place. You clearly showed her actions and how they were always so related with her thoughts, which made her character seem so whole. Sometimes when characters don't have names yet it gets frustrating, but this wasn't the case. It's easy to relate to her feelings of trying to escape, and I just love this chapter. I liked it even more than the previous one you posted!
Discovering herself and who she is will be something interesting. I wonder why can't she remember her name but she can remember other things about her past, like how her mother should be there. That makes me arise to the question of how much can she actually remember? Is it just her name she has forgotten, or is it also her past actions and everything that has previously happened to her? If it's everything, than she can't really be sure she hasn't done anything deserving of being put into prison
There shouldn't really be an and in this sentence because that doesn't quite make sense. Instead, I think this and should really be a comma.
I am a little bit confused here. As she later on said she was fourteen, you can't be referring to her age. So don't you mean they can't prove I'm the one, or something? I don't get what you mean about one as it's own. Or, if you do mean the one, how about capitalizing it like so 'The One', to stress its importance?
I know that in your other chapter I am always telling you to speed things up
Another thing is that when the men walk in, of course she doesn't see them at first because she gets pushed back to the ground and beaten a little. But after that she is talking to these men and in my mind I have no clue what they look like. But I feel like she would've checked out their appearance because she is trying to place who they could be and what importance they have. And once you have described their appearance and she hasn't been able to place them by looking at them, I think then she should start questioning them with who are you's and all that other jazz.
I liked this conclusion to the chapter! It's the perfect place to end and leaves us wondering what is going to happen now. I just only wish for one thing, and that would be for you to make it more dragged out and more in detail. Mention how faces blur through her mind, with names, so many names, and yet none of them seem like they belong to her or match her face. And the feeling of loss she feels because she doesn't even know who she is herself.
I hope this review gave you some food for thought! I am going to go on and read the next chapter; see if I can help any there. Keep up this writing ^^
Deanie x
Thanks Livvy! Yeah, I haven't worked out exactly what she can remember, but I'm planning on having it being something super big (besides the name too xD). But I still haven't worked that out. I should actually draw out a plan of sorts of something for that. Thank you for raising that question up, caaause I hadn't really thought about it much.
I wrote the next chapter already, and I think I did it right, but I'll have to wait and see what you think. Thank you soo much for reviewing this for me! 
Oh, and I'm going to soo drag it out now!
I had to read over the last chapter because I couldn't remember doing it xD It has been quite a while, right? Wow. I cannot believe how time has flown by!
Anyway... let's jump into the nitpicks!
Hmmm... I think this would bother someone to some extent. If I was constantly shivering, I wouldn't be able to get to sleep. Perhaps you could add in the extent of her fatigue. Say she so tired she just ignored the cold. Or maybe you should put that she got used to the cold. "Not caring" just doesn't seem right.
The comma isn't needed. To be simply put, this sentence is like a sandwich. The middle part is easily replaced. But the end parts are the fixed points (the bread) or the base. So take away the middle, now read the sentence. It doesn't make any sense. But this an awkward sentence because it has two middle points. I would put:
"Crawling over to it, she grabbed the bar and slightly grimacing when the metal flakes that had rusted off over time lodged themselves onto her hands."
Ce?
Ummm, locks jingle?
Another instance of the Sentence Sandwich. Take away the middle and it doesn't make sense. Remember: the middle part is extra info, it is expendable. You could put:
"Without waiting to see who it was, she launched herself at the two people who were standing in the doorway, the metal bar was already aimed to hit them."
And again.
"Instead of the satisfying crack of bone that she was expecting to hear, a gash opened up on her forehead, and she found herself thrown to the ground."
I'm guessing this is how the guy talks... but SHEESH, it would bug me talking to him xD It's we are "here", mate!
Dun dun dun! Ooo. Interesting.
"previously" is a nice word, but it is just as effective as "before". I have read in a few articles that trying to use as many simple words as you can makes it easier for the reader to read and enjoy.
You say she cannot remember her name... so how can she remember other things? Just curious
Great job, Therese! I missed reviewing your stuff. Sorry it is short. I'm tired.
Your sincerely,
Traunt
Yay! Next chapter!
I love this story already so I can't find nitpicks with the plot, although "They can’t even prove I’m one, without raising mother back from the dead," kind of confused me.
I don't understand how she lost her memory, but I'm sure that will be expanded on in the next chapter(s). There's other stuff that I don't get, but they are for the next chapters, so no worries.
Your style of writing is splendid and the MC is relatable and cool in a sense. I've already told you about my love for the unraveling story line, so that's done. I couldn't find any grammar mistakes (though it could just have been my eagerness to read it blocking out those).
Sorry this review is so short, but I just couldn't find any nitpicks. PM me when the next chapter's up!
-M.P. Tigers
Omigosh, thank you sooo much! Yeah, I can understand how that line was confusing. I promise to elaborate more on it, in future chapters.
Trying to keep some suspense intermixed with it. Oh, yeah... the memory loss is for later chapters, but to be honest I'm still working on that in the sense that I sorta know how it's going to happen, but am planning on winging it. xD Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this! Your review was helpful and highly encouraging! 
Thanks a million.