Author's note: I'm rather out of practice when it comes to writing, so please be harsh with me; I won't mind!
As the words went through her head, she felt a prickling in her eyes and tears began to slide down her cheeks. I will never see him again…
She swallowed and brushed the tears away, smudging the dirt that had covered her face for the past weeks. “Good-bye,” she whispered again. She studied the shape of his face and body one more time, and then turned her back on him. It is time to move forward.
Looking ahead, she then realized what she was now doing. Going to the one place that everybody was told to avoid the most, was basically suicide in her world. But she knew she didn’t have much choice in the matter. There was no other place in the world, that these people—who wanted her dead, feared more. No other place could put such terror in their hearts, as those woods. Even its very name would cause some to go pale and make a sign against evil.
She knew it was her best chance of being able to survive for a while. How she would manage to survive there, she didn’t know. “That’s not my main problem right now,” she muttered.
Forcing her legs to move, she took a step forward. She walked in the shadows, along the sides of the houses, watching ever corner and alley. Mapping out the outline of her native village in her mind as she went, she knew that she had two rows of houses to go before she would reach the outer border and the main gate. Once she reached the gate, she would have to find a way to somehow sneak past the guards. Two would be stationed on a typical night, but with her in the village she knew there must be more. Even if they thought she was imprisoned, they wouldn’t take any chances with losing her.
This thought only aggravated her all the more. What exactly have I done to be treated in such a way? she asked herself, the thought running through her mind over and over. Why are they taking such precautions with me?
Taking care to treat her ankle with care, she moved quickly but silently through the night. As far as she could see, there was nobody about. As she already knew. It must be nearly two hours before midnight and even at this time everyone would be home and behind closed doors. Well, nearly everyone. The bar on the other side of town could be seen from her position and the lights were on. She knew that it was alive with men and the alcohol was most likely flowing.
She shrugged her shoulder as she went. At least those men will be unable to catch me, while drunk. That’s a bonus, shethought. A big one.
A small grin appeared on her face as she recalled memories of accidently going into the bar as a young child. Squeezing through men, that at the time appeared huge and bulky to her, crinkling her nose at the foul stench that seemed to conquer the entire room. It was a memory she remembered with distaste, but still with a bit of humor. Shaking her head, she pushed the memory away.
Squeezing her body through a dark alley, that was barely a foot and a half wide, she gradually began to draw near the edge of the village.As she moved out of the alley, she turned around and looked at the village, whose full body could be seen now. Even though there were many lights ablaze in the village, they didn’t dim the cold brightness of the crescent moon and stars. .Just looking at it took her breath away.
“At least it isn’t winter, though,” she said, her voice shaking as she shook. Shivering, she drew her thin sweater around her body and stood up against the side of the building. Once she got a good look of her surroundings, there would be no other thing to do than make a run for it. Reran wouldn’t have been able to help me with any of this, she thought. I must do this on my own.
Shaking her head at the thought, she began to study the surrounding buildings and the fifteen foot tall wooden gate that surrounded the entire village. Biting her lip, she knew that this would be her main problem. The guards would be fairly easy to slip by. But the gate had iron spikes on the top and surrounding the bottom of it. There was no way she could go over or under. The only way out was through one of the two gates.
As she stared at the gate, that was so close and yet so far away, she heard a familiar creaking sound. It was opening, and a wagon was pulling through. “This is my chance,” she whispered. Pulling her hood up over head, and pulling her cloak in closer, she slumped in her shoulders and drooped her head, in a way that she knew that she would have never walked previously.
Moving her body in an almost careless fashion, she glided towards the gate. As the wagon pulled through, and the soldiers paused to talk to the driver, the gate was left temporarily unwatched. Quickening her pace, she moved forward faster.
As it loomed closer, the men grew aware of her presence and one by one stopped what they were doing to watch her. Slouching in her shoulders even more and shuffling her feet, she did her best to look dejected and forlorn. Like she was nothing.
She passed by one, and then one more. And then the third one stepped forward in front of her. “Who are you?”
Lifting her head only slightly so that he wouldn’t be able to make out any actual facial features, she shook her head and pointed towards her mouth, gesturing that she couldn’t speak.
Looking out of the corner of her eye, she saw one of the guards coming closer, his hand reaching for her hood. Reaching up, she pulled the hood down tighter and turned her head away. Just let me through! she screamed inside thefear that she might be caught curling up into a knot in her stomach. Swallowing hard, she took a step forward, and then another.
“Hold it right there,” a stern voice said. “Take the hood off.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hi Therese!
I know, I know, it took me long enough to get here. But of course, as your novel always does I think I was pulled back. Now, this was an intriguing progress in the novel. I am curious to know what this place is like if it keeps everyone else away from her. It must be horrible I am sure we are going to cross paths with all sorts of random things when we read about this story. I am pretty excited to see them!
Reading previous reviews I know this has been nitpicked in every way possible. But I am going to rewrite one of your paragraphs and try to point out what I have done differently. I will focus on my reasoning why underneath this review, and then I hope you can understand!
Looking ahead, she then realized what she was doing (Cancelled out the 'now'. Having the then and now there was repeating each other.). Going to the one place that everybody was told to avoid the most. (Putting a full stop here and starting a new lone sentence in the next part) It was basically suicide in her world. But she knew she didn’t have much choice in the matter. There was no other place (got rid of the repetition of the word 'world' and also the comma) that these people—who wanted her dead(Comma should be another dash to close the thought) - feared more. No other place could put such terror in their hearts (Who needs a comma there? Not us!) as those woods. Even its very name would cause some to go pale and make a sign against evil.
I think what I toyed with here most was your wording and punctuation, but I didn't change your meaning! I think the reason for this is that the style of writing is what is bothering me and it is breaking down the story you are building up. I am going to say the main reasons for this.
1) Plain language I think you are writing pretty plainly. Now I have read your other novel, the historical fiction one and that was where I saw some very rich descriptions. Which means I already know you have the capability to do it! I want to see some of those lovely descriptions from there translated to this novel as well. Because I am really not feeling this story coming alive for me yet. I can't see it as more than words on a paper. (Or computer screen, for that matter). I want to be able to feel as if this is real.
2) Commas I wouldn't worry too much about this one if I were you. But I felt the need to move a lot of the commas or completely get rid of the ones you had in the paragraph you changed. Now, in my own writing I am getting the use of commas wrong all the time. In fact, it's so much easier to see others comma mistakes than my own. If I were you I would make use of your brother, Timmy. He knows how to use his commas right and I am sure he can help you too
3) So many small words Look at these two sentences. She is a girl who has a lot of the same problems as her best friend does too. And this one: She shared problems with her best friend too. Now, they are both meaning the same thing, but one of them uses a lot of small words and another might be shorter, but seems to have some more sophisticated language. And that is only because they've gotten rid of all those small words! I get the impression that you use a lot of small words and it really is disrupting the flow when I am reading this story. I trip over them when I read this aloud. I would advise you to do just that so you can see where it feels awkward and smooth it out some by cutting those annoying little words out.
I would say the fourth thing is style, but that is the reason why your usual style of writing isn't shining through.
I think this was a pretty harsh review but hopefully you can take something beneficial from this! I do think this is a good story though, Therese, and I do love where the plot is going. I just think with some improvement to the deliverance of the story in wording, you can make this go from good to great!
Deanie x
I’m back! I, too, haven’t written an actual piece in like two months.
So many pauses, and for what purpose? xD It’s a little jerky, but I think I’ve tackled that enough. There really aren’t many problems grammar wise, so yay for that.There are some awkwardly structured sentences, but the scene here is well written. It’s a little cliché, yes, but still engaging and a little saddening. Look for unnecessary comma breaks, because I’m seeing those a lot in a few of the paragraphs. This sentence is probably the worst structured of the few in that paragraph:
Take this bit out, honestly. If she didn’t know how she was going to survive there, then why would she say it’s her best of chance of survival? You’re almost contradicting yourself here, and its only purpose is to confuse me, I feel. And then she tells herself it’s not her main problem…well, it’s about to be her main problem, so brushing it aside is kind of concerning. If anything, just take this whole bit out, it’s not really doing much for the chapter, and its absence wouldn’t be damaging.
I’m seeing more fluff—extra words—that really don’t contribute to the chapter. It feels like you just want to raise your word count xD For instance “forcing her legs” just doesn’t feel important. There’s no significance for one thing you never say she’s rigid or scared or that her legs didn’t want to move beforehand. Therefore take it out, because it’s just wasted space. I’m not saying every word has to be important (like in poetry) but still, it’s a little bit of a nuisance. In fact, you could take out that whole sentence. “She walked into the shadows” is perfectly fine without that other introduction.
Now we mention guards. But this whole chunk was just strangely worded. Clean it up. “She needed to find a way to sneak past the guards once she reached the gate.” It takes out the commas, since you favor comma use so much! Sentence variety is a plus here. I also want to know why this isn’t a “typical night.” What exactly would be considered a typical night in this setting? Since I haven’t read previous chapters, I have a hunch she’s really significant in this prison—so significant that more guards would need to be stationed so they could capture her. If that’s the case, why mention “even if they thought she was imprisoned?” Unnecessary, because whether they thought or not isn’t important. Their job is to get her back inside the prison if they catch her escaping. So they’re working if she tries to escape—or really if anyone tries to escape.
I do like how she addresses this, because I’m asking myself the same thing. Why is she so important they’re taking so many precautions? *confuzzled* What has she done to deserve this? Might be a good thing for me to read previous chapters, but remember, you can still briefly touch up on past events. It won’t hurt your plot and flashbacks are always helpful if necessary.
I don’t want to repeat myself too many times, and I really don’t want to take over and tell you how you should write, but you really have a lot of fluff in this chapter. And I mean a lot of it. You have so many unnecessary details—instead of focusing on the now, you take time to saying little things like “a bar is alive with men and beer” or “they can’t catch me” when she wasn’t even in the position to be caught by them. After all, they’re on the other side of town, far away from her. She can easily come to the conclusion they can’t catch her while drunk when she’s in that part of town. And it’s a bar; beer will definitely be flowing xD Set the scene is perfect, which is what I feel you’re trying to do. But keep in mind she’s still trying to escape these guards—she wouldn’t be focusing on beer, bars, etc. while she’s still on the run. (I mean, no guard has even seen her yet >.<)
And then you hit us with a memory, while she’s still trying to escape. Tsk tsk xD I suggest using that information after she’s escaped the guards and has actually neared the bar. I like how it adds characterization, but it’s being mentioned at the wrong time. If I were to insert myself into the situation, I wouldn’t be having flashbacks, or thinking about different places—I’d just be focused solely on trying to get the heck out of that prison.
As I read through this, I’m still very confused. Has she left the prison yet when she sees the village lights? Why are there no guards coming after her? When she’s in that alley, exactly where is she? When you go back to revise this, string in little reminders of where she is, and organize your details. I wouldn’t try to mention other parts of town she can see while she’s still trying to escape. It’s cluttered, and it makes me feel like she’s fine just taking her time escaping, and that she can have memories and flashbacks while focusing on quietly fleeing the prison. I mean where are those guards? xDD *headdesk*
So I guess the village is the prison? Because, unless I missed it somehow, you don’t tell us she’s escaped the prison. And if you did, you didn’t detail it enough so it was noticed. I’ll leave that alone, I think I’ve beaten it up enough. Let’s focus on why she thinks the guards would be fairly easy to slip by. Why is that? I suggest adding some explanation, unless it was mentioned in previous chapters.
The whole transaction between her and the guards is choppy. You never mentioned a wagon was before her, and the guards’ reactions were just strange. Where did those guys even come from? I’m surprised there’s only two she says she sees. Where are the other guards?
I also noticed you rarely [almost never] use her name. The boy said it, and the narrator doesn’t even use it, so I don’t even remember what her name is as I read this. Use it every now and then, because she now knows her name. What’s the point of giving it to her if you never use it? I mean, I know it’s huge to learn your name. I don’t think she showed any distrust when they boy said that was her name, so why isn’t it being used in the narration? Just a thought.
I hope I’m not sounding too harsh, but I have a lot of questions and concerns. I think I addressed them all.
Edit: I just realized this review isn't that helpful >.< I haven't written one in so long, so I'm sorry if I asked too many questions and didn't offer enough suggestions.
~Writer~
Heya ThereseCricket, pretzelsing here for a review (I owe you one
)
First of all I was so excited to see that you have posted another chapter of your wonderful novel!Okay so here is my review.
I really liked this suspense that you built up in this story, but I think that you could work on that and build that up even more if you listen or straight out told us all of the dangers of her being caught by the guards. Right now it's like, the guards and looking, but I don't really understand what they will do if they catch her. Maybe while she is walking you can explain that in her thoughts!
Now I know that I have only read two chapters of this novel but in this quote:
Maybe you could and should explain to us all, where is she going? What is that place really? I just would like to know her final destination.
I honestly didn't catch the humor in her experience at the bar,because for me it's kind of uncomfortable, not funny.
Umm, why did you use care two times
Wait,what
This is too cliche, I wrote an article about this recently, but to sum it up, this phrase it meaningless and overused. I know that you can come with something more creative. You have that in you. What if you wrote: "Looking at the sky beauty, she was astounded once again at what her eyes beheld." or "Tilting her head upwards, she paused, gazing into the wondrous expanse of the midnight." (ooh I like that one
The last sentence is just a skillful cliffhanger and perfect ending, I really loved it!Now I agree with Noelle that you should be using her name Rona more often, not just only she she she, because you are writing from third person POV. I really loved this chapter, and Therese you have a talent with this. I hope that this review helps and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing!
Hi! Thanks for the review!
Ah, yes. The place that she is headed to. I completely understand what you mean by wanting to know where she's headed. My initial intention for this was to show everybody why exactly it is considered suicide to go there, when she actually gets there. That make sense?
Yeah, I will need to elaborate more on what exactly is funny about that bar part. lol I will need to re-read and explain more on certain parts.
I totally saw the redundancy, so I'll fix that when I go back for editing.
Thank you for the thorough review! I'll fix all this. <3
Hey Cricket! Care for a review this fine review day?
I didn't read previous chapters, so I might get some things wrong. Even though I just jumped in here, I don't feel too confused at all. I've always liked that about your writing; it's always so tidy and easy to read. I love easy to read. I also really like the way you can entertain us with simply one character! XD
This didn't quite make sense to me. I guess I understand that you're trying to say that the stars and moon were bright enough that they weren't effected by light pollution, but it still seems a bit wordy, perhaps? It might go over a bit better if you take the description out... I'm really not sure, maybe it's fine the way it is, it's just something to think about, I suppose.
I'm not sure if 'of' is the right word. Perhaps 'at' would be more appropriate? I'm not sure... you know how I am with grammar... >.>
This was also a bit awkward. I think you probably meant to put either a period or comma after 'inside' but even the last part is a little hard to understand. She was afraid that someone would actually catch her stomach in knots? O.O How does one go about catching a stomach knot-er?
I liked this, non-the-less! I'm already intrigued by your character, and I'm curious as to what it is she's trying to escape! I keep thinking that she's a criminal of some sorts, or that she was wrongly accused of a crime. I'm interested to find that out! So I'll probably end up going back and reading the other chapters... and then I'll probably start following this. >.>
Keep writing Cricket!!! You're quite talented~
-Socks
Thanks, Socks!
xD Yeah, I'm totally the worst when it comes to making things seem too wordy. Thanks for pointing that part out. Before I had posted, I had been looking at that one spot (and one other) just trying to figure what was wrong with it. I see now that it was just tooo wordy, so I'll try and cut back on that. Simplify it a bit.
Haha, knot-er? I totally get what you're saying about that being confusing. I'll fix that.
Thanks for reviewing this! I really really love having somebody else's perspective on this. Thank you so much. <3
You're welcome! <3
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
Yay, a new chapter! Well, a new part of a chapter :3 Still, a new post! I'm excited to read it
There are a lot of time word in this sentence: 'then' 'now'. Okay, only two, but it's still a lot when put together. I suggest just picking one of those words to use here. Either one would be great. It's just a bit too congested as is.
I'm not an expert on em dashes (all I know your brother taught me xD), but I don't think you used it right here. The 'who wanted her dead' part seems like it should be surrounded by the dashes. Yet there's only one. If they work just like commas then you should definitely put one after 'dead'.
One thing you really do well in this novel, and this chapter in particular which made me think of it, is how you really focus on Rona. You show us who she is and what she's feeling in every chapter. We get to hear her thoughts in addition to what she's telling us in the narration. Those two combined really help us get to know the character well. And we learn something new about her in every chapter.
A quick stylistic thing here. You don't ever use her name in this chapter, unless I missed it. There are a lot of shes, which is fine, but occasionally we should be reminded of her name. Not that we'd forget (although I did forget ><), but rather just to stay away from the pronoun overload. I'm totally guilty of that so I understand how it can be hard sometimes. I usually try to go no more than four or so paragraphs without using a name. You can always have a different way of doing things of course, but that's how I do it. Maybe that'll give you an idea of how you want to do it
I find it a bit strange that she didn't find this more alarming. Here she's coming up with this plan to get through the gates without getting noticed and she just tries to sneak by even though the guards saw her? I was expecting her to retreat or panic or something. I guess I was just expecting a different reaction than what she had.
One thing that I feel is really missing here is the rest of the town. I'm not talking about the scenery or anything. I'm talking about the people. When I read this, I feel like the only people there are your characters. Where are the rest of the people who live here? Surely some of them are out and about right? They may not be super important, or important at all, to the story, but they still need to be there. Even if it's just a passing glance. That would really make the world feel alive.
Overall this is a great chapter! Like I mentioned, we're really getting to focus on Rona. Not that we really have a choice since she's the MC and going off on her own
You just had to leave us with a cliffhanger, didn't you? Meanie
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks, Noelle! Pssh, like you're one to talk about CLIFFHANGERS. <3
Yes, I totally get what you're saying with that first nitpick, and using too much time. I'll deal with that when I get to editing.
Yeah, I also get what you mean with not using her name enough. I think in my head I was still thinking about her character as if she didn't know her name still. I'll take some of those she's out and work on that pro-noun overload.
As for her reaction... omigosh, I should have thought that out more. D: I'll work on that.
Thank you for being soo prompt. You are so awesome. <3 Thank you!
What? Me? Cliffhangers? Never. ^_^