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Violence

Forever - Part Two - The Captive

by TheWarriorMingan


Just a heads up, if you can't stand violence, please don't read this chapter!

She fumbled for her cell phone.

"Hold it!" Emma froze. A gun flashed before her. Her arm was wrenched behind her back. Emma's phone smashed to the ground.

"Move!" She was pushed to the center of the street, in front of the car. Emma's captor held her arm in an iron grip. A man, clad in all black, stepped out of the car. He glanced menacingly at Emma.

"Keith." He called. "I know you're here. I have your daughter." He signaled two of his men, and they took to the shadows.

He then spoke to Emma. "Your father owes me, and if he doesn't come." The man traced a finger across his neck. He nodded to her captor, who drew his knife. Emma looked angrily at the weapon.

"He will never come!" She said fiercely. The man smiled evilly.

"He and your mother will come once they hear your agonized cries." Emma glared at him.

"Gentlemen." He nodded to his goons. Her captor drew his knife to Emma's arm. She tried not to scream but failed miserably. Her cry pierced through the night.

"Emma!" Her father emerged from the shadows.

"Keith, nice of you to join us." The man said. "We almost thought we had started without you." He gestured to Emma, who had crumpled to the ground.

"Dad, no!" She cried weakly. The man laughed again and went on.

"Your lovely wife Anne wouldn't miss this either." He nodded and one of his men appeared with Emma's mother. Anne and Emma were gathered next to Keith. Keith bent down and whispered in his daughter's ear.

"When I say so, run!" He gently kissed Emma and her mother.

"There is no need to say goodbye," The man's voice sneered, "Because you are all going to the same place." Emma's father's face remained placid, but fear erupted within Emma. Anne was moaning softly.

"Too bad the police chief didn't see what good work you were doing before he fired you." The man said. "You were getting so close to exposing my little scheme."

"He was not fired," Emma stated, "He was temporarily laid off."

"Children are seen and not heard, Emma." The man snarled. He yanked Emma by her injured arm. She shrieked.

"Let her be." Anne, her mother, shouted. She attacked her captor, whereas Keith punched the nearest goon. Emma saw her chance and swept the man's leg, throwing him off his feet. He loosened his hold on her, and she slipped free. Emma darted to the shadows and hid. Her heart pounded so loudly, she thought the men could hear it.

"Let her go." The man called to his goons. "We have what we want." Emma groped on the ground for her cell phone. She immediately phoned 911, it didn't dial. It's broken.

Emma crawled to a corner and covered her ears. She tried to block out the noise coming from the alley. She heard loud shouts and rough voices. Someone sounded nervous. Her parents were trying to protect her.

A loud blast erupted. A woman screamed. Mom! Emma nestled deeper into the corner. Another shot followed, then all was still. Emma's parents lay on the ground. The man called into the night.

"Emma. The next time you see me will be your last. And soon, fear of TheĀ Captor will be in the hearts of all, forever, in the dark miseralbe city of Gotham." He laughed once more, then the men went into the gray sedan and roared out of the alley.

Soon, there was silence. Emma slowly rose and walked to her parents.

"Mom." Emma knelt next to them. "Dad, you promised," She said bitterly. "You promised, we'd stay a family. Forever." Emma wanted to cry, to lessen her grief, but her tears never fell. A heavy pain weighed upon her heart. She felt torn in two.

Finally, Emma crawled back to the corner. She curled up and leaned against the cold concrete wall. She closed her eyes.

My life, my world, is gone. There is nothing left of it. Nothing.


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Fri Jun 25, 2021 12:06 am
chikara wrote a review...



Ah last review for you.

"Keith." He called. "I know you're here. I have your daughter." He signaled two of his men, and they took to the shadows.


I'm a little confused about what this is referring to? I believe that's the father's name, but this is happening right as they left her. The person organizing this must really have an issue with the family for reasons unknown, and it's kind of cool, kind of rushed. I would've liked more build-up into the scene and more backstory later on.

The fact there's a big dude with guys working for him is also kind of sketch. I wonder who the figure is because it might be someone from the source material, or it might be someone you created for the plot. Not having that information makes all of this miss crucial things for the storyline to continue and for people to understand.

"He and your mother will come once they hear your agonized cries."


Villains talk shouldn't be like this. It's too flowery and not even a character meant to be flowery would talk in a manner like that. No one would describe the cries in a way like that, and most people wanting to commit a crime because of family ties probably wouldn't even talk to the person, let alone talk to them like a Shakespearean bad guy.

This isn't even a person who should be talking like that. He should talk like a normal person who is just going to commit a crime, which would be surprisingly calm depending on whether he wants to do it or not. I assume that this isn't a crime of passion due to the hints that this person has long-standing hatred for the father.

I also think you're missing a dialogue tag here and in other places because it gets hard to tell who is talking at what moment because of the lack of names.

My life, my world, is gone. There is nothing left of it. Nothing.


This would be a great way to end a short story, but since this is only the second chapter and so many bad things have happened, it seems like something that has occurred so quickly. You are not ending the whole story here, so it doesn't work with me.






Thank you, Chikara. Now I see I REALLY need to rewrite this chapter!



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Tue Jun 22, 2021 9:51 pm
mordax wrote a review...



Hey there, me again! Let's get started!

"Hold it!" Emma froze.

I would suggest having this part of dialogue as its own paragraph to avoid confusion with who is saying it. It will also make Emma's freezing more impactful.

Her arm was wrenched behind her back. Emma's phone smashed to the ground.

This is another part where I think you could combine the sentences to avoid a choppy flow.

"Move!"

I would add a dialogue tag to clarify who is saying this line, even if it is some unknown man or woman.

Emma looked angrily at the weapon.

Instead of saying "looked angrily" I would suggest using a stronger verb, like "glared" or "scowled".

The man smiled evilly

I think this is another spot where you can show not tell, like how does his evil smile look? This can also be a good spot to add some descriptors of the man, like if his lips are wide and the smile long, or if his eyes squint or remain unsmiling.

agonized cries." Emma glared at him.

"Gentlemen."

Seeing as this is the same man speaking, I suggest keeping the dialogue in the same paragraph.

Her captor drew his knife to Emma's arm. She tried not to scream but failed miserably. Her cry pierced through the night.

So we know she's in pain because she's screaming, but perhaps drag out this scene a bit more to create more suspense and impact. Like, how the pain feels, where it hurts, how the scream feels when it builds up in her chest and she struggles to keep it trapped behind her lips.

"Emma!" Her father emerged from the shadows.

Her father appears so soon after she screams and it makes you wonder how close by he was. Since they were parting ways, did he come back to tell her something or give her something? Also, him emerging from the shadows seems a bit anticlimactic, given that Emma is being tortured. Perhaps he is running instead?

Also, just a plot thing here, but this, I believe, is happening in a public area. While I know Gotham is likely lacking on round the clock police, I find it unlikely that her screaming goes unheard by any civilians. While bystanders are horrible at taking action, they are not horrible at causing a scene or panic. So I would suggest establishing the setting a bit more so we know why there is no panic or civilian mayhem. Where even are they? It would clarify a lot and paint a much more vivid scene.

I also find it a bit odd that Emma refers to her parents by their first names. Is this perhaps because she only met them later in her years and wasn't raised by them from day one? (what I mean by her referring to them by their first names is just that they are referred that way in the narration, and it appears to be third person limited, focusing on Emma, making her the narrator of sorts)

whereas Keith

"Whereas" makes it seem that Keith is doing something contrary to Anne. As they are doing something on the same side, I think the word "while" would be more fitting.

it didn't dial. It's broken.

oooop

Okay so this chapter is packed with emotion and violence, and wowwww. One thought, however, is that it seems Emma's parents were killed because her father knew something about this villain that could incriminate him, and he was close to doing so. Knowing that, it is a bit confusing as to why this villain states that Keith owes him something. Does he mean Keith owes him his life? Perhaps there is a history there.

All in all, great job!! Keep writing!

Mordax






Thank you, Mordax! Your input is very helpful!



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Wed May 26, 2021 10:40 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Well...here comes that classic opening sequence with the parents dying in a gunfight and well...this looks like its one that has been done pretty well...I liked the first chapter of this and I think I like this one too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

She fumbled for her cell phone.

"Hold it!" Emma froze. A gun flashed before her. Her arm was wrenched behind her back. Emma's phone smashed to the ground.


Uh oh...well...this is continuing quite nicely from where we left off in the previous part...and hmm...well she definitely does seem to have got herself into plenty of trouble here judging by this.

"Move!" She was pushed to the center of the street, in front of the car. Emma's captor held her arm in an iron grip. A man, clad in all black, stepped out of the car. He glanced menacingly at Emma.


Well, she's definitely not going to be able to get out of that one, someone planned that out quite well here.

"Keith." He called. "I know you're here. I have your daughter." He signaled two of his men, and they took to the shadows.

He then spoke to Emma. "Your father owes me, and if he doesn't come." The man traced a finger across his neck. He nodded to her captor, who drew his knife. Emma looked angrily at the weapon.


Ahh, the classic hostage situation, now I suppose let's see how strong the resolve of her parents are, and I suppose also just how far this man is willing to go in order to draw the two parents out.

"He will never come!" She said fiercely. The man smiled evilly.

"He and your mother will come once they hear your agonized cries." Emma glared at him.


Oh well...looks like he's not going to hold back here...

"Gentlemen." He nodded to his goons. Her captor drew his knife to Emma's arm. She tried not to scream but failed miserably. Her cry pierced through the night.

"Emma!" Her father emerged from the shadows.


Oh gosh...well...he was very serious with that threat, thankfully her father wasn't gonna let her get hurt or that could have gotten very ugly very fast.

"Keith, nice of you to join us." The man said. "We almost thought we had started without you." He gestured to Emma, who had crumpled to the ground.

"Dad, no!" She cried weakly. The man laughed again and went on.


Well, this is certainly turning into a horrible situation here.

"Your lovely wife Anne wouldn't miss this either." He nodded and one of his men appeared with Emma's mother. Anne and Emma were gathered next to Keith. Keith bent down and whispered in his daughter's ear.


Aaand they're all captured.

"When I say so, run!" He gently kissed Emma and her mother.


Oooh...well...looks like they're planning some sort of escape, let's hope it doesn't end in one of them dying, that truly would be terrible.

"There is no need to say goodbye," The man's voice sneered, "Because you are all going to the same place." Emma's father's face remained placid, but fear erupted within Emma. Anne was moaning softly.

"Too bad the police chief didn't see what good work you were doing before he fired you." The man said. "You were getting so close to exposing my little scheme."


Well this particular bad guy appears to be supremely confident in his abilities to win the situation here, its very clear he's planning to kill them all off and doesn't think there's anything they can do about it.

"He was not fired," Emma stated, "He was temporarily laid off."

"Children are seen and not heard, Emma." The man snarled. He yanked Emma by her injured arm. She shrieked.


Well this guy definitely is doing a great job of showcasing just how evil he is from all those horrible actions.

"Let her be." Anne, her mother, shouted. She attacked her captor, whereas Keith punched the nearest goon. Emma saw her chance and swept the man's leg, throwing him off his feet. He loosened his hold on her, and she slipped free. Emma darted to the shadows and hid. Her heart pounded so loudly, she thought the men could hear it.


Oooh...and the fight begins...let's see how this pans out, so far that's a great way for a fight to break out...good start to it here.

"Let her go." The man called to his goons. "We have what we want." Emma groped on the ground for her cell phone. She immediately phoned 911, it didn't dial. It's broken.

Emma crawled to a corner and covered her ears. She tried to block out the noise coming from the alley. She heard loud shouts and rough voices. Someone sounded nervous. Her parents were trying to protect her.


Oh dear...well if I know anything about how stories involving Gotham get started...I believe it is now time for the parents to die...as sad as it is.

A loud blast erupted. A woman screamed. Mom! Emma nestled deeper into the corner. Another shot followed, then all was still. Emma's parents lay on the ground. The man called into the night.


Aaaand there we go...

"Emma. The next time you see me will be your last. And soon, fear of The Captor will be in the hearts of all, forever, in the dark miseralbe city of Gotham." He laughed once more, then the men went into the gray sedan and roared out of the alley.

Soon, there was silence. Emma slowly rose and walked to her parents.


Well at least they didn't go after the girl and shoot here two...oh dear...well devastating start as it usually is in these stories I see...well this is the hardest part to have to read through.

"Mom." Emma knelt next to them. "Dad, you promised," She said bitterly. "You promised, we'd stay a family. Forever." Emma wanted to cry, to lessen her grief, but her tears never fell. A heavy pain weighed upon her heart. She felt torn in two.

Finally, Emma crawled back to the corner. She curled up and leaned against the cold concrete wall. She closed her eyes.

My life, my world, is gone. There is nothing left of it. Nothing.


You're doing a pretty good capturing her grief in this moment here...you can definitely tell that she's devastated and her world has been shattered here by this incident here...hmm...well this is off to quite a powerful start here...looking forward to what comes after this chapter...

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, looks like this little fanfic here is shaping up quite nicely, its still to early for me to judge plot or anything but...from what I see this looks really interesting and I will definitely keep reading it.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Wow! Thanks, Harry!




"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery