Forever - Part Four - The Masked Man

Hey there Mingan!

I'll be honest here, I haven't read the parts that occurred before this, so I'll just work around talking about things that could be specifically caused by previous events or are related to characters met in that timeframe. I believe I have a basic understanding from reading what you have here, but I'll just warn you in case I slip up.

Now, onto the actual review~

Emma's head whirled. I must be dreaming. She thought. The man stepped forward. Emma could see his dark eyes glinting through the mask.

This is a great introduction. It introduces something to think about, something that brings in some kind of conflict, and it talks about characters important to the storyline. Emma is in a tough situation and it shows from her actions here. The man who wears a mask is someone who will be seen as a threat until proven otherwise, which might possibly be what you wanted by the way there seems to be an anxious air produced by the actions of "glinting" and the description of the eyes being just dark.

I do believe that I'd like a cleaner cut into her thoughts. You can write down that she thinks something, but it doesn't really come off as anything. Characters are people with their own thoughts and hopes and fears, and the best way to show that is through what the way they've been written as subconsciously makes them do. The line of "I must be dreaming" is cliché and doesn't show actual emotion, and that therefore makes Emma seem like a copy of other protagonists that've been in situations like this one.

I could also express that the formatting used for describing the thought itself is incorrect because it shouldn't be its own broken off sentence. You could use italics to differentiate regular text that showcases an always present narrator figure from the actual thoughts and feelings that the main character will and does have often. The usage of quotes is also something I've seen work for many people, so that's always another option if the publishing center messes up any basically kind of text-altering thing.

"No. Don't come closer!" Emma cried shakily. Her fever burned, and she felt a sharp pain in her head. Suddenly, her legs gave out, and she fell to her knees. Slowly, her vision pixelated to blackness. Emma collapsed.

This is a big thing to happen in the beginning of a chapter. With the lack of build-up into something being actually wrong, all of this seems really rushed from a first view into it. A person will start to feel light-headed, which can be mentioned before everything even happens. Then everything that you named here would begin to occur slowly, which can be mentioned like it is now. I see this common theme in all of this chapter that the changes occurs when something that possibly harm the protag happens, and I'm not a big fan of that style of writing scenes because it's too fast-paced.

The description of her vision pixelating doesn't make sense as well. Sure, it might become blurry and darker than normal. Her vision might start to vignette, where her peripheral vision becomes basically nonexistent and is just a blackened smudge. Her vision might double and she'll start seeing two or more of whatever she looks at. All of these are ideas that I found from searching on the web about what could possibly be a sign that someone will pass out, and I do not have enough information to say for certain.

The rest of it goes on like normal, and I don't have anything to say about everything that hasn't already been said in the other review you've gotten.

Cheers!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack to read another part

First Impression: Hmm...well this was a really interesting chapter here, she's having to recover from everything and it looks like all of that trauma there did a bit more damage than we initially anticipated, but it certainly is fairly realistic...also looks like you put part three on top of this somehow?? Might've been a mistake there

Anyway let's get right to it,

Emma's head whirled. I must be dreaming. She thought. The man stepped forward. Emma could see his dark eyes glinting through the mask.

"No. Don't come closer!" Emma cried shakily. Her fever burned, and she felt a sharp pain in her head. Suddenly, her legs gave out, and she fell to her knees. Slowly, her vision pixelated to blackness. Emma collapsed.

Oooh...well...that seems like the most likely thing to happen when you've been through quite as much shock as she has, definitely makes it very clear just how much shock she's been put the through in the past few hours.

The last thing she remembered was strong arms encircling her. Emma gasped. She opened her eyes. Bright lights glared. But gradually, her vision cleared, and Emma found herself in a white room.

Oooh, well I'm guessing said Bat took her to the hospital judging by how this is going down. Hmm, well that's probably the best option, she certainly does need one if she's gonna survive all those injuries.

"Mom?" She said. She tried to sit up, but couldn't. She pushed herself up with her arms.

"Ow!" Emma cried. A sharp pain ran through her left arm. She fell back upon the pillows. A woman walked into the room.

Ouch...that arm is probably going to keep hurting her for a looong time at that rate, long cuts like that can be very annoying that way.

"How are you doing, sugar?" She asked.

"Um, fine. Where am I?" Emma asked.

"Why, you're in the hospital, honey. You've been one sick puppy." The woman said.

Hmm, well I'm guessing that's the nurse probably and hmm...she is in hospital, aaand this nurse seems to be a nice lady as well, okay...the setting for this scene is slowly being established quite nicely, and I like how things are being introduced slowly in bits and pieces much like it would be for Emma who has probably been unconscious for a while.

"Oh." Emma looked around at her surroundings. Sure enough, an IV and a heart monitor were standing next to her bed.

"My name is Elora, and if you need anything, just call, I'll be right down the hall," Elora said. "The doctor will be right over to see you." Emma nodded, and the nurse left the room.

Hmm...well a heart monitor and an IV definitely makes sense for the kind of condition see is in...the room here is being established really nicely here.

Emma sighed. She couldn't think straight. She rubbed her arms.

Ow! Stupid habit, She thought. Emma's left arm was bandaged white down the length. Scarlet blood showed through at some spots, and sharp pains jetted through.

Oooh boy, that does not look like its good my any means whatsoever, and accidentally rubbing that as a habit, that definitely must have hurt like crazy.

Soon, the doctor came in.

"How are you doing today, young lady?" He said as he sat down beside Emma's bed. Emma opened her mouth to speak, but the doctor intervened.

Okay...not sure why the doctor would interrupt his own question, that doesn't quite seem to make sense, its a fun greeting to inject a tiny bit of humor into this maybe, but I think the doctor would just let her say something, they do kinda want to know how you think about your own condition and how you feel.

"Don't answer that. I know you must be feeling terrible. I'm Doctor Sullivan. You've been in my care for the last. . . " Dr. Sullivan noisily flipped through his crisp, white clipboard. "Eight days."

"What!" Emma was shocked. "Eight days!"

Oh wow, that is definitely shocking, did she somehow enter a bit of coma or something, cause you don't just sleep through eight days cause you fell unconscious, as far as I know at any rate, but ehh...I don't know too much

"Yes, in fact, you slept through it all." Dr. Sullivan chuckled. “You lost a lot of blood, it’s a miracle that you survived.”

"Doctor, what happened?" Emma asked.

Ohh...she's forgotten a bit of the incident I see, hmm, well that does make sense with all the shock and the blood loss, hmm, also looks like the folks that murdered her parents either didn't care enough to make sure she was dead or assumed the blood loss would kill her, hmm, that's just things for me to think about...xD

"What happened when?"

"What happened for me to be here?"

"Why, you don't remember?" Dr. Sullivan's merry face suddenly turned serious.

Hmm, well yes, now that's good to see, a doctor that is actually quite concerned to see that there might be a bit more wrong with the patient than he had initially assessed, this is much rarer than you might think in some stories...xD

"No?" Confusion rippled down Emma's spine.

"Can you remember your name?" Dr. Sullivan asked.

"Emma Wayne." She said promptly.

Hmm, that's a good start, if you forget your own name as well, that's when you know the brain had taken some proper damage, but looks like Emma's probably just temporarily forgetting things...maybe...can't exactly predict those things now, can you?

"Good. That's who the officer identified you as."

"Officer?"

"The police officer handling your case. Officer Volcov, I think. It was her squad that found your parents." The doctor said. Emma's heart jumped at the name Volcov.

Okay...well looks like the bat indeed left or maybe just put her somewhere the police would have found her quickly, hmm...also looks like this inspector might know her, or otherwise I don't see how this Volcov would've been able to identify her.

"My parents? Where are they? Are they alright?" She implored persistently. Dr. Sullivan's face filled with sympathy.

"Emma, o God, I don’t want to tell you this. Your parents were found in an alley seven days ago. Dead."

That's certainly not the kind of news you want to be delivering, especially as a doctor that can be quite a tough one to a young girl that's also recovering from major injuries...oh dear.

Feelings of late flew back. And feelings forgotten, began to weigh on Emma's heart. Tears floated in her beautiful dark eyes. A nurse poked her head into the room.

"Doctor, a patient needs you, STAT." She urged, then she left. Dr. Sullivan stood up. He smiled sympathetically at Emma before he left.

Hmm...well the doctor has to leave I suppose, and hmm, I guess its time for Emma to now be left alone with some pretty saddening thoughts here...oh well, the price you pay to the protagonist of a novel.

Emma's thoughts whirled. Her parents, dead. Somehow she already knew. But Volcov, that name seemed familiar.

Hmm...yes...she definitely knew...and well, lovely detail there to end on...hinting at the fact that the inspector and her might actually know each other...oooh...my prediction might just be right.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this makes for a pretty solid chapter again, I'm really starting to like this little story, and I'm definitely really intrigued to see where this thing is a headed. Well, until next time

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry