Forever - Part Three - The Caped Figure

Hey there, Mordax here with a review!! Forewarning, I haven't read any of your other chapters, so I will be a bit lost as to the plot so my review will centralize around flow, structure, grammar, and whatnot rather than plot and character points.

Then that night's memory hit her like a cold wind.

I love this simile, however, in my opinion, the verb "hit" with the noun "wind" felt a bit off. "Hit" is such a harsh verb, while "wind" is not always harsh for winds can be soft, delicate, and sweet. I would suggest changing wind to something equally as harsh as "hit" in order to create more of an impact. Something, perhaps, like "gust" or even change the simile to cold water. Just a suggestion, though, I still do love this simile.

The cut down her arm was still bleeding. Emma leaned tiredly against the wall. Her gaze wandered to the alley.

Each of these sentences are very similar in length and it makes it feel choppy to read. I would suggest combining the last to sentences to vary it, like "Emma leaned tiredly against the wall, and her gaze wandered to the alley."

"Who are you?" A man's voice came.

"A" shouldn't be capitalized after the dialogue, given it is a tag for said dialogue.

but he was looking away. He hadn't seen her.

the "He hadn't seen her" feels redundant here. With the preceding sentence, it is already made clear that he hasn't seen her.

Emma sighed.

I would show a bit more of her emotions here. Like, how did she sigh? Was it a sigh that lifted her chest or lowered her shoulders? Was it a sigh of relief or exhaustion? Right now, this sigh indicates nothing to how she's feeling.

Emma began to be angry with the man.

I would also suggest more show than tell here. We see these thoughts of confusion before, but perhaps lead us into how that transforms to anger rather than telling us that it did.

This following dialogue section, any dialogue tag that isn't its own independent sentence doesn't need to be capitalized. Like "he asked", "he said", "she said", etc.

Okay, so I have no idea what is happening, but oooh I'm intrigued! Emma's parents are dead, and recently it seems, and she is injured. It is a bad night for Emma lol. One suggestion that I have (and seeing as I don't know Emma's story, this can be disregarded lol), but if her parents just recently died and their bodies are so near, I would think that Emma would be feeling a lot more sudden grief and panic when she first woke up. In fact, I was only aware that her parents had just died about halfway into this chapter when she spies the Bat. If she didn't have a good relationship with her parents, then perhaps relief that they are gone, or shock or horror about the situation as a whole.

Besides this, this is a really solid chapter! Emma seems to be really struggling and I feel for her. I would say that I hope it gets better from here, but I doubt it lol.

Great job and keep writing!

Mordax

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack again...hmm...well let's see what this chapter has to offer for us ...excited to see how Emma here does after having just lost both her parents in the last chapter.

First Impression: Hmm...well wow, this chapter was quite awesome, a little short but I think honestly this length works perfectly for this one, if it was any longer it wouldn't quite have the effect this one has...and well this works out as a wonderful cliffhanger her to what I assume is going to be where this story really gets going in that next chapter.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Emma jerked awake. Where am I? She thought. A concrete wall loomed over her. Then that night's memory hit her like a cold wind. The man. Her parents. How long have I been asleep? She checked her watch. Two o'clock, A.M.

Oh dear...well...cannot blame her at all for having just passed out there and slept through the whole thing...that's the sort of situation that will you leave you drained and just emotionally dead almost...its a horrible situation on a scale that most of us can't even begin to imagine...and well..this is a great start here to show us just what kind of mental situation she is in here at the start.

Emma stood up shakily. Her head pounded. The cold night air swirled around her, and she rubbed her arms, only to be met by searing pain. The cut down her arm was still bleeding. Emma leaned tiredly against the wall. Her gaze wandered to the alley.

Ooof...well she definitely needs to get that cut looked at very quickly, if its bleeding for that long, something major might actually be damaged and she might faint or worse die from the blood loss if that isn't closed up as soon as possible. Also good attention to the details of what's happened to her so far, it looks fairly realistic.

"Who are you?" A man's voice came. Emma gasped. A tall figure knelt over her parents. For a second, Emma thought he had spied her, but he was looking away. He hadn't seen her.

Okay...so...very interesting mystery man here to introduce to us watching over the dead bodies of her parents here...well I have a feeling we may have run into someone here...well..let's see how he reacts to her probably incoming barrage of questions.

Emma sighed. Confused thoughts whirled in her head. My parents are dead. Who is this man? Why doesn't he do something? Emma began to be angry with the man. Dazed with fever, she stepped out of the shadows.

Well that right there is a very believable mental journey to take there...all the frustration, helplessness and sadness just melting together into some serious anger at seeing someone just casually standing over the bodies of your dead parents and not trying to do anything at all.

"Go away." She said coldly. The man looked up. His features were hidden in the darkness.

"What?" He slowly arose.

Hmm...well if he is actually who I think he is, he definitely would've already known Emma was hiding there but didn't bother to wake her up or turn in here direction...but he also looks really curious about Emma's parents here, wonder what that's going to be all about.

"I said, leave them alone!" Emma swayed unsteadily.

Oooh..once I again I love how you're paying attention to the results of the kind of situation Emma has been through here.

"Who are they?" He asked.

"Anne and Keith Wayne. My parents." The man stepped back. A tear slipped out of Emma's eye. She clutched her arm against the pain.

Oh this one is definitely very interested in those parents..hmm...not to mention I guess their names means this whole thing gets even more interesting now as to how Emma here might relate to everything.

"Who are you?" She said in almost a whisper. The man stepped into the light. Emma gasped. The man wore a dark mask and cape. He had strong body armor and dangerous weapons in his belt. On his chest was a symbol.

Oooh...that is such a classic reveal there, whether it be a movie, a tv show, a comic book or a fanfic....you never ever get tired of seeing this sort of thing and well I have to say I am totally not disappointed with the epicness of this one.

"I am the Bat." He said.

Ooooh...now that's what I call a proper cliffhanger at the end of a chapter...suuuper excited to see what's gonna happen next. This was an awesome little chapter here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this has been a third wonderful chapter so far, I'm loving how the start of this plot is really coming through, we don't quite know much about Emma just yet but she's definitely a protagonist I would root for at this point and well...can't wait to see what happens next in this little tale.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry