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E - Everyone

Forever - Part One - The Farewell

by TheWarriorMingan


The wind blew my cape about me. It fluttered as a flag in the dark sky. A flag of protection.

On my high perch, the city of Gotham spread before me. Its twinkling lights dared to challenge heaven's stars. I haven't always done this, shielding the metropolis from calamity. Once, I had been a normal citizen. But I hadn't a carefree life. My family is from the richest of class, but life turned me out the poorest.

This isn't where my story begins, but this is how it takes flight.

Part One

One dark stormy night, a girl stood in an alley, bidding a grieved goodbye to her parents, Keith and Anne.

"Go Emma, hurry!" Her father said.

"Dad, no! I'm staying with you!" The teen protested. Her voice rang through the dark alley and broke the quiet stillness of the summer night.

"It's okay, honey." Said Emma's mother. "We'll be alright." She gently cradled her daughter's face in her own worn hands.

Emma gazed into her mother's eyes and grasped her father's arm. She memorized her parent's features. Her father was tall and handsome. Gray, too early for his young age, streaked his dark brown hair.

Her mother's beautiful face had aged beyond her years, and her blonde hair had lost its shine.

"Mom, I'm not leaving you," Emma said. "We're a family, and families stick together, forever."

"Oh, Emma." Her mother said, tears suddenly forming in her crystal blue eyes. She hugged her daughter.

"It's time, Emma." Her father said.

"Don't forget Emma, God will always be watching over you." Her mother said. "Goodbye, baby."

"Will I ever see you two again?" Emma asked tearfully.

"Remember, a goodbye is never forever." Said her father. "Find my cousin, then come back for us. We'll be alright."

"Okay, Dad," Emma sobbed. She turned and ran down the alley, and her parents went the other way.

Emma crept through the shady street. Car tires screeched, and a gray sedan skidded to block the lonely alley. Emma slunk into the shadows. Two men in dark suits stepped out.

They held guns. Emma gasped. She fumbled for her cell phone.


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Fri Jun 25, 2021 12:51 am
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Froggy wrote a review...



hi, im mainly doing this review so that I can post my own novel, but that's besides the point. I liked the story so far. its pretty interesting, and the writing is pretty good. I can't really think of any major errors in the writing. its maybe slightly wordy from time to time, but its not excessive or even really noticeable if you aren't looking for it. overall, a good chapter.






Thank You!



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Thu Jun 24, 2021 11:46 pm
tweezers wrote a review...



I'm back to see what I missed in these chapters.

The wind blew my cape about me. It fluttered as a flag in the dark sky. A flag of protection.


Ah yes, the hero who believes they can protect everyone. It's a noble idea, but really difficult when actually trying to execute it. The way this is worded is also kind of pretentious and a little bit too flowery for me, but it matches the hero I believe you are talking about in this from the many later chapters I've read through and reviewed.

I can express all of what I said above for all of that beginning sequence. I do not see any purpose for why to have that, and if it's supposed to be a prologue of sorts trying to tell us the later ideas without actually telling, I think even less of that section. Everything said here if it fits that could easily be placed into later chapters.

One dark stormy night, a girl stood in an alley, bidding a grieved goodbye to her parents, Keith and Anne.


These people are not important at all. They really don't need to be named because I haven't seen them mentioned at all in the later parts.

If you have to mention them, maybe you could give more information about them. We know what they look like, but everything else is a mystery. We are given enough information from the way Emma interacts with them to know they have an okay to good relationship, but nothing else is ever mentioned about childhood or something.

The first chapter is the most important part when someone looks into wanting to read a story, so it should have more detail on people if you think they are crucial enough to have a given name. The same thing could be said about any kind of character depending on the writer and the readers, so that could be kept in mind too.

Emma crept through the shady street. Car tires screeched, and a gray sedan skidded to block the lonely alley. Emma slunk into the shadows. Two men in dark suits stepped out.


I am once again feeling like I have to mention plot conveniences and timing and how much those actually matter this soon in stories, but you know how I feel about all of that and this is technically before what I've read through already.






Thank you, Chikara!



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Tue Jun 22, 2021 9:25 pm
mordax wrote a review...



Hey there! I liked your later chapter and was intrigued so here I am for the others.

the city of Gotham spread before me.

Ohhhhhh okayyyyy yesssss Gotham, I'm hyped.

This isn't where my story begins, but this is how it takes flight.
I may be looking to deep into this, but I like how the "flight" connects with "the bat".

The teen protested

This may just be my preference, but you already refer to Emma as "girl" and then you establish her name through dialogue, so referring to her with a descriptor here rather than her actual name doesn't flow very well. It does establish her age range, but I think that could be established later in a way that flows better.

own worn hands

Her hands belonging to her is kind of a given, so the word "own" here is unnecessary. Also, oooh so her family were from the wealthy class, and became poor (or at least that's what I gathered from the mini prologue), so they must've become poor before this takes place, given that the mom's hands are worn.

Gray, too early for his young age, streaked his dark brown hair.

I would suggest rewording this as well for the sake of flow, perhaps: "Gray streaked his dark brown hair, too early for his age". I thinking the following paragraph with the mom's description could also be combined with this paragraph.

forever

Hmmm.... I know the future and this is not the case... :(

She hugged her daughter.

So I believe this is in third person limited, focusing on Emma as the main character, the perspective that is known. However, this line indicates its third person omniscient, for in Emma's perspective, I doubt she would refer to herself as 'daughter' but rather see her mother as hugging her as a person. If you were going for a third person omniscient then this is fine, but if not, I would suggest rewording this to "She hugged Emma..." then add perhaps this pang of sadness or grief or any other emotion that Emma is feeling then.

a goodbye is never forever

mmmmmm

Emma slunk into the shadows. Two men in dark suits stepped out.

They held guns. Emma gasped. She fumbled for her cell phone.

Each of these sentences are about the same length. While short, quick sentences are good to press the scene and create a tone of urgency, this many in a row creates a rather choppy feel. I would suggest varying up the structure and length a bit, perhaps combining some of the sentences.

Overall, ooh I'm intrigued! So a female batman? Batwoman? Or maybe it's cat girl? I don't know superheroes well, but I know this is going to have a lot of action.

Great writing again!

Mordax






Hi, thanks for your review, Mordax! Yeah, I wrote this chapter a while back, it is definitely due for revision! I'm glad you enjoyed it!



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Tue May 11, 2021 11:16 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a really fun little start to a story here. Love the excitement created right at the start here, this definitely does a very good of getting your attention and that ending is just perfect to get people wanting to read more. The family dynamic here also seemed really sweet here and ahh...that just adds beautifully to the drama here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The wind blew my cape about me. It fluttered as a flag in the dark sky. A flag of protection.

On my high perch, the city of Gotham spread before me. Its twinkling lights dared to challenge heaven's stars. I haven't always done this, shielding the metropolis from calamity. Once, I had been a normal citizen. But I hadn't a carefree life. My family is from the richest of class, but life turned me out the poorest.

This isn't where my story begins, but this is how it takes flight.


Well...that was a lovely dramatic entrance there...definitely introduces you straightaway to what's about to happen in this story and I am all for it at the moment. Let's see where this ends up going I suppose.

One dark stormy night, a girl stood in an alley, bidding a grieved goodbye to her parents, Keith and Anne.

"Go Emma, hurry!" Her father said.

"Dad, no! I'm staying with you!" The teen protested. Her voice rang through the dark alley and broke the quiet stillness of the summer night.


Well...that's definitely not a good plan...splitting up there in the middle of a dark alley, I have a feeling one of these people are most definitely going to die at this rate.

"It's okay, honey." Said Emma's mother. "We'll be alright." She gently cradled her daughter's face in her own worn hands.

Emma gazed into her mother's eyes and grasped her father's arm. She memorized her parent's features. Her father was tall and handsome. Gray, too early for his young age, streaked his dark brown hair.

Her mother's beautiful face had aged beyond her years, and her blonde hair had lost its shine.


Well...that's a really neat trick there to give us a little description of her parents, also the last minute memorizing in case they don't see each other again, this is most definitely not headed towards a good conclusion and I can feel it.

"Mom, I'm not leaving you," Emma said. "We're a family, and families stick together, forever."

"Oh, Emma." Her mother said, tears suddenly forming in her crystal blue eyes. She hugged her daughter.

"It's time, Emma." Her father said.


Ahh...the slow buildup of tension here in the background as the inevitable seems to creep towards this happy family...ahhh...this is a great first chapter so far.

"Don't forget Emma, God will always be watching over you." Her mother said. "Goodbye, baby."

"Will I ever see you two again?" Emma asked tearfully.

"Remember, a goodbye is never forever." Said her father. "Find my cousin, then come back for us. We'll be alright."


Well...that's not terrible reassuring but on the other hand there is some hope here at least for the moment...

"Okay, Dad," Emma sobbed. She turned and ran down the alley, and her parents went the other way.

Emma crept through the shady street. Car tires screeched, and a gray sedan skidded to block the lonely alley. Emma slunk into the shadows. Two men in dark suits stepped out.

They held guns. Emma gasped. She fumbled for her cell phone.


Well...nevermind...they're all doomed...okay maybe not quite but on the other hand this is a brilliant place to end this part one here...I will definitely read part two if its there cause I definitely want to know what happens next.

Aaaaand that's it for this one

Overall: Overall I think this is a wonderful start to a story and this is definitely a story I would continue reading if you posted more of it. Well...that's about all I've gotta say here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thanks, Harry!
(Sorry, I was a little late getting back to you.)



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Mon May 10, 2021 10:00 pm
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AshlynPhoenix wrote a review...



Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad.

Its twinkling lights dared to challenge heaven's stars.


Ahhhhh I looooove that so much. So powerful <33333

One dark stormy night, a girl stood in an alley, bidding a grieved goodbye to her parents, Keith and Anne.

I'd remove that 'Dark stormy night' and just describe the sky. Here, I'd also dive into the emotions she felt. Having to say good bye to parents can't be easy. There's probably many conflicting emotions and thoughts racing through her, more then can be summed up in 'grieved good-bye''.

"Remember, a goodbye is never forever." Said her father. "Find my cousin, then come back for us. We'll be alright."

"Okay, Dad," Emma sobbed. She turned and ran down the alley, and her parents went the other way.

Ohhhhhhh kaaay so her dads cousin is missing? Why? How? My minds spiraling right now. Does she come form a family of supers? Why is it important that they find him? How do they know he disappeared, and didn't go off on his own without telling anyone? Was there some sort of event that took place that indicated he'd gone off on his own? Or was the whole 'missing' situation just out of character?
WHat.is.the.detail.surrounding.that.situation imao?
And why her? Is she like, the only one who can save them?
Aasfjahfafhasdfjh this is just an after thought, but wouldn't it be better to mention the fact that she has to find her cousin in the start of this story?
Emma crept through the shady street. Car tires screeched, and a gray sedan skidded to block the lonely alley. Emma slunk into the shadows. Two men in dark suits stepped out.

They held guns. Emma gasped. She fumbled for her cell phone.

'Shady' and 'slunk into the shadows' is a bit redundant ^^ Anywho dat suspense do :0 With men in dark suits :0 Aajfdsajfh men in dark suits always spell trouble. The hench men of the villain perhaps? Or just your common everyday criminal?
I've gotta say though, they have a poor taste in color. I mean come one, who in the heck drives a grey sedan xD. Red or be dead, that's what I say :P
Anyway, just one final thoughts-this chapter is a bit faced paced. You never really spend time describing her surroundings, or Emma's emotions. For a superhero story that revolves around action that works I suppose, but I wanted to learn more about Emma, her personality, and, why she had to say good bye to her parents. Things, you just mention. Also, unrelated, but just out of curiosity- is this Batfam fic? Is Emma your Batfam OC? Either way, that concludes this review. I hope you found it helpful in someway, and if it wasn't, I hope it at least made your day <33
-Asher






Hi, Ashlyn!
Thanks for your review. This is a fast-paced Batman Fanfic. The cousin isn't missing but he's been out of contact with the dad for a long time due to an argument, so they're not exactly sure where he is. The characters don't have superpowers (I wanted the story to be a bit more realistic), but they are superheroes. Thanks for alerting me to my lack of emotions and surroundings descriptions, and my redundancy! I will definitely work on that. BTW, can you guess who the cousin is?




Resistance is futile.
— The Borg