Julian sat admiring his Fathers blade; he admired the beautiful bronze hilt, enveloped in
pig-skin leather, detailed with exquisite engravings and the smallest of
rubies. There were pictures of flowers, beautifully snaking their way around
each other to form intricate designs which only Julian seemed to appreciate.
The black Cognar steel glinted in the powerful morning light. “Cognar steel,
the best of the best, could cut a bears head clean off its shoulders, mind
you.” Julian fought to tear his eyes off the dazzling beauty, and met those of
his Father, standing in the open doorway of the family barn.
Julian was often reminded of how he had gotten all of his Father’s features and none
of his Mother’s. She would whine about it just at the moments Julian thought
she was beginning to let it drop. “It’s not fair, Joseph, he has your dark
hair, your green eyes, your broad shoulders… What does he have of me? Nothing,
that’s what.” Julian and his Father, Joseph, would mimic her behind her back on
occasion, and then they would burst into a riot of merry laughter – the joke
never seemed to get old.
“Sorry Father, I was just looking at it.”
Julian glanced at his feet and then back down at his Father, he felt panicked.
The sword was his Father’s most prized possession, his only memory of his
adventuring days from when he was a youth. He was very protective over it
sometimes.
“No need to be afraid my boy, just be careful not to cut yourself when you handle it, that thing could cut-” “a bears head clean off its shoulders, I know Father.” They shared a knowing smile; he
told Julian that particular fact about the sword all the time. Julian turned
and looked out the barn window, it was high up. He wouldn’t have been able to
reach it, but sometimes he and his Father would stack the hay so high it would
reach the window and when that happened, the spot was his favourite place to
sit and admire the countryside. Vast green fields, cows, horses and other
animals dotted here and there, clusters of trees, the land rising to form
smooth hills, and the rocky stream splitting the whole scene straight down the
middle.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
The "Fathers" should have an apostrophe between the r and the s. Also, I wouldn't advise using a semi-colon so early on in the story. It just makes it feel like you're going to drag the story out longer than it needs to go (regardless of whether or not you actually do).
Move the comma from after flowers to after designs. The sentence flows much better that way.
Who says this? Is this Julian's thoughts? His father's words? Whose? Why is this here like this? If you want to show us this, then either change this to Julian's thoughts or include it later.
This is a comma splice. Make this two sentences.
Those are very long sentences. Perhaps consider shortening them.
Hope this helps!
I love the description of the sword! It sounds like quite the sight to behold.
At first I was kind of confused about whether Julian was a boy or a girl, but I figured that out quickly, so, no problems there.
I think this is an awesome beginning, I can tell you put some thought into it.
I saw no problems or error with flow or spelling, except once, but I think you can figure that out.
Can't wait for the next thing!
herby
Thanks
Yep, I wasn't sure whether or not people would get that he's a boy 
The Messenger Knight, here to review for KotGr.
This can be something you miss when writing, but using the same word, especially in the same sentence, should never happen. I would suggest, a different word for one of these times you use admire; maybe marveled, or was awed by.
A few things here. It should be bear's, not bears, and is this Julian's father speaking to him? It should start a new line.
You need to put a period or semicolon where you have the comma.
[quote[“No need to be afraid my boy, just be careful not to cut yourself when you handle it, that thing could cut-” “a bears head clean off its shoulders, I know Father.” [/quote]
You need spacing here, and you have another comma that should be a period.
OK, so before I get to the good I have a few problems.
1. I don't think Julian's mother would be 'jealous' of Julian having his father's look; I think she would be fine with it, but certainly not whine about it.
2. The part about Julian's favorite spot seems random to me. He and his father were just talking about the sword.
3. I think you should show us a bit of what the characters look like.
4. Remember to incorporate all of the senses- taste, smell, hearing, touch, etc.
Now, onto the good. Excited? I loved your description of the sword; the handle and all the little details of it. This sounds like an interesting story, and you write pretty well. I liked the flow of things, and if you fix those few errors it should be really good. I hope you don't feel like I'm bashing your story because it was not intended.
Keep it up!
Thanks
Most helpful review yet!
Sorry about the format, I didn't know that when you click publish it changes where the paragraphs are.