Dragon Slayer
The knight staggered forward warily, his armour shifting to bring that familiar metal-on-metal clink. His sword shook in his trembling hands, and it took all his efforts not to let it fall. He wiped his brow with a cloth, a token from his Lady Leona, and tucked it safely into his chest plate. The sweat was coming fast, as it always did when he was in difficult situations. Suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder and spun around, his heart racing. Who was behind him? Had it already found him? When he saw it was only his brother, his heart beat even faster. “Johan!” He said, as loud as he dared, “What are you doing here? You should be at home, comforting mother!” The blonde ten year old raised his eyebrows and pouted like the baby he was. “I don’t want to go; I want to stay with you. I can help you Mikael. Look, your hands are shaking; I can carry your sword!” Mikael cursed silently and bent down to look his brother in the eye. A wisp of hair fell down from inside his open helm and he blew it away. “Johan,” He said, his tone as serious as he could make it, “You go home now or you will be the one I cut down tonight.” He stared into his brother’s eyes a moment longer and finally the little boy gave up. He threw his arms around his older brother and the first tears began to stream down his rosy, young cheeks. “Do your best brother!” He croaked, the words coming hard in the sadness of goodbye. “Do your best, remember your training and you will win! I love you Mikael.” The boy detached himself and looked back into his brother’s eyes, both his and Mikael’s sparkled blue in the dim evening light. Mikael swallowed a lump in his throat. “I love you too; now get on home you little scamp. Don’t tell mother you came here.” Johan hugged him once more and then ran. He didn’t look back, he didn’t dare. For if he looked back he would never be able to leave.
Mikael shuffled towards the mouth of the cave, trying his best to be quiet. Silence was crucial at this point in particular, and Mikael would not lose the trial because of his noisy armour. He took long, slow breaths. He would have to be ready for anything. After all, it was his first time. He took a moment to steady himself before he went in, calming his thoughts. The cave was very high up, very high indeed, and the fact that the passage up to it was only four foot wide at most didn’t help Mikael’s nerves. The knight looked up towards the sky; the light was fading now, and the sun was slowly setting beyond the Korap mountains. He looked down towards the ground, strewn with pine trees and split by the deep Chuckrock river, one of his brother’s favourite things to do was swim in that river. He smiled to himself. He was ready.
The cave was dark and reeked of dead flesh, burned flesh. Mikael tried to ignore it, but it was too prominent to be ignored and soon the knight was walking with one hand pinching his nose. He stepped over small pools of liquid, but it was too dark for them to be identified. The young knight could only hope that it wasn’t blood. He looked up and noted that there were numerous stalactites hanging from the ceiling. They gave him chills, dangling there threateningly; it was as if they were daring him to step past them. But he did, and soon the ceiling was smooth. Mikael’s worries began to leave as he rounded another column of rock and there was still no sign of his prey. Maybe the beast wasn’t there; maybe Mikael wouldn’t have to do the trial after all. But those worries came back as quickly as they’d left when he heard a deafening roar. He didn’t know where it had come from, for it seemed to echo off the walls and bounce at him from every direction. Mikael gripped the sword tighter, his fingers turning blue now, and rounded another column. He came to a sudden halt, his breath left his body and he nearly dropped the sword. Perched on a giant rock in front of him was the most vile, cruel-looking beast he had ever seen in his life. Its dirty green scales glistened in the dark and sharp claws protruded from its grubby hands and feet. Mikael was lucky for the few holes in the ceiling; if not for them he’d have been completely blind. Faint columns of light shone from them and cast a soft golden glow over most of the cavern, just enough for him to see where he was going. ‘So the sun isn’t down yet…’ He thought, looking up at the holes. The dragon’s eyes opened and Mikael jumped back, his stomach doing flips and threatening to throw back up his dinner. Mikael stared at the two black slits in the centre of those green eyes and they stared back at him. A few seconds, and they were still watching each other, waiting. Then the inevitable happened, it attacked.
A column of fire, a flash of sharp claws, Mikael desperately swiped with his sword, trying to hit anything he saw. His training didn’t mean anything anymore, not in this mess. It was like fighting a cloud; he didn’t know where to hit. Swipe, swipe, stab, he was getting nowhere and now there was something painful in his side. Then his sword made contact, it hit something soft and went the whole way in until the hilt was the only part that stuck out. This was his chance, the beast was injured. Mikael stepped back and looked as the dragon stumbled about, the sword had gone right up through his belly. The young knight felt his side, and he looked down in dismay as he realised he too was dying. A sharp claw had come off and now protruded from his ribcage. It had pierced right through the armour and into his soft flesh beneath. He couldn’t believe it, after everything, after all his efforts. A flash of images passed through his mind, his brother, his Lady Leona, his mother and his deceased father. This was it, he was dying. But he wouldn’t go down so easily. He threw down his sword, and it clattered as it hit the stone ground. He wrenched the claw out of his body with a painful scream, and he looked up. With a roar that made even the beast stop in its tracks he ran at it and clambered up onto its back, avoiding the flapping wings and the chomping teeth. He would throw him off the cliff, that’s what he’d do. He would- He would do no more. The beast had its own ideas. It stumbled forward until they were beneath the stalactites again. Mikael didn’t have time to do anything but scream. And he could only think of one thing to scream as a picture of his little brother, his best friend, his little baby passed through his mind. “I’m sorry Johan!!!” He shouted, and the words echoed and echoed around the cave as the dragon flew straight up, impaling both Mikael and itself on a sharp stalactite. There and then, in agony, they died together.
2
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Hi there!
A few nitpicks..
You should change that comma to a semicolon, since you veer off into a different direction.
I think that this would have more of an impact on the reader and your writing if you separate it into two sentences.
Same with this section. If you end the sentence after "sharp claws" and start a new sentence with "Mikael", it would read so much better, in my opinion.
Now that we have the tiny nitpicks, we can end with the biggest one - lengthy paragraphs. They come off as intimidating and tend to scare the readers away. It's also an eye sore and I suggest you consider breaking them up into small paragraphs. It is your decision, after all, since the length is yours to determine, but shortening the length may attract some more wild reviews.
Other than that, nice job! You did great with this. I feel like you could have done more to incorporate his knight training and skills into this, and you should have given a reason why Mikael wanted to kill the dragon. You mentioned a trial but why? For gold, riches, fame? That is essential to include so the reader understands why.
You did a great job describing the scene and the fight, so kudos on that! It was an overall pleasure to read. Your grammar, for the most part, was good and the flow was consistent and rarely choppy. I enjoyed reading this!
-Iggy
I have yet to read any of this and I can already tell you that your paragraphs are far too long. Remember that you need to separate paragraphs when a new person is talking or when the idea changes. I'll show you how this can be done.
A column of fire, a flash of sharp claws, Mikael desperately swiped with his sword, trying to hit anything he saw. His training didn’t mean anything anymore, not in this mess. It was like fighting a cloud; he didn’t know where to hit. Swipe, swipe, stab, he was getting nowhere and now there was something painful in his side.
Then his sword made contact, it hit something soft and went the whole way in until the hilt was the only part that stuck out. This was his chance, the beast was injured.
Mikael stepped back and looked as the dragon stumbled about, the sword had gone right up through his belly. The young knight felt his side, and he looked down in dismay as he realised he too was dying. A sharp claw had come off and now protruded from his ribcage. It had pierced right through the armour and into his soft flesh beneath.
He couldn’t believe it, after everything, after all his efforts. A flash of images passed through his mind, his brother, his Lady Leona, his mother and his deceased father. This was it, he was dying.
But he wouldn’t go down so easily. He threw down his sword, and it clattered as it hit the stone ground. He wrenched the claw out of his body with a painful scream, and he looked up. With a roar that made even the beast stop in its tracks he ran at it and clambered up onto its back, avoiding the flapping wings and the chomping teeth. He would throw him off the cliff, that’s what he’d do. He would- He would do no more. The beast had its own ideas. It stumbled forward until they were beneath the stalactites again.
Mikael didn’t have time to do anything but scream. And he could only think of one thing to scream as a picture of his little brother, his best friend, his little baby passed through his mind.
“I’m sorry Johan!!!” He shouted, and the words echoed and echoed around the cave as the dragon flew straight up, impaling both Mikael and itself on a sharp stalactite. There and then, in agony, they died together.
I really liked the story, though it's cliche. I did like the twist at the end where the main character is doomed. That was nice. However, you need to use more description. Description is everything in fantasy. Fantasy is a genre that is produced entirely from your mind. We can't see it without vivid descriptions.
Keep that in mind as you edit this. Good job and keep up the good work!
Hi Dragon Slayer.
I think this story has a lot of potential. Overall, it is well written and has a complete, well-thought out plot which carries through from start to finish.
Things I liked: the descriptions of the stalactites, the cave, the anticipation of the battle, the unexpected ending, and the imagery of the final demise of the hero and the dragon. Having Mikael impaled on a stalactite was a pretty creative (and vicious :p) thing to do.
Things I think need work:
- I have to say that the pacing doesn't work for me. I felt that I was thrown into the middle of the story without knowing why Mikael is undergoing this death trial. The appearance of Johan was also pretty random. Where did he come from? Where is he going? I personally wondered why Mikael would let him wander off on his own in what seems to be a dangerous environment. It was like he just "poofed" into the room and then "poof" he was gone. I want you to write him into the story entering through a doorway, if that makes sense.
- I don't feel connected to this character because I know nothing about him. Who is he? Why is he there? Who is his father? Who is Lady Leona? Why is he so eager to take on this mission that only ends in his death? I'd appreciate some more details about this person.
- The setting is a bit of a mystery. Where does this story take place? What time period (if any)? Is it a made up world of your own? Is it Old Camelot? Is he a knight? A little clarification will solidify the story for me.
- I'm feeling that this is just a beginning of a larger story, something that is unfinished. But this is a short story, so what is the point of his death? What is the point of the trial with the dragon? I left this story feeling unsatisfied. If I were to summarize the story to someone, this would be it: A dragon slayer enters a cave, fights a dragon, and dies. Not satisfying.
I hope you found this review worthwhile.
Dreamworx.
That was a very sad ending. For some reason I wasn't expecting that at all which is what made it even better. I love dragons and this story is simply marvelous. Not only was the climax of this story great, but your detailed way of writing really made it perfect. I did find one mistake though and I'd also like to make a few suggestions.
1) This is only a suggestion, but you should really consider taking off the first 'Dragon Slayer'. The title is in huge bold so there really is no need for the first title introduction.
2) "The cave was very high up, very high indeed, and the fact that the passage up to it was only four foot wide at most didn't help Mikael’s nerves" (paragraph 2)
This is also a suggestion and you don't have to because it makes sense the way it is, but I think you should take of the 'very high indeed' tat is inside the commas. Only a suggestion so you don't have if you don't want to.
3) "and the fact that the passage up to it was only four foot wide at most didn’t help Mikael’s nerves"
The only mistake I found was in this sentence. 'foot' should be 'feet' because it is multiple feet not just one.
4) The last thing isn't really a suggestion, but more of a question. Why is there a '2' at the end? I think you left it there by accident, but I can't be too sure.
Again, this was a very nice piece of work. One of very few that portray dragons this way. Keep up the good work. Happy writing. : )
Hey
thanks for the review, nice suggestions I'll keep them in mind! There's a 2 at the end because in microsoft word I had the pages numbered, I don't know why the 1 didn't come after the first one. 
Oh okay and no problem at all. : )
Amazing.
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I can see a picture in my head of this it described very well.
Its a bit long I had to skip through bits so I'm sorry if I missed some bits.
A bit sadness on 'His little baby passed his mind' gives me a sense of a flashback.
The end is a bit of an dissapointment :L
Might need to improve on the end I see you wasnt very imaganitive at the end.
'They all died together' was a spoiler.
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thanks for sharing
Nelly aka. Neko.
Yes it was long, thanks for taking the time to review though I'll keep what you said in mind