Frederick the Merciful sat upon his
throne brooding, his face just as serious and depressing as the
rumbling thunder beyond the castle walls. It had been a long,
restless day and he wanted nothing but sleep, yet it was not to be
so. As he stroked the rich fur of his rather extravagant royal robes,
a weeping woman knelt before him, her cries echoing endlessly off the
stone walls. Spots marked the ground beneath her, the graves of
fallen tears, and she added to them generously. The wind whistled
annoyingly outside, and everyone in the room gritted their teeth
against it. Frederick scratched his chin; it was shadowed with
stubble and rough against his finger, but he didn’t care. He
had too much on his mind to bother about facial hair.
The woman before him moaned
pitifully and buried her head in her weathered hands. She was a
farmer, like a lot of the people in the cold kingdom. It had been
named so because of the winters that stirred there, temperatures
would often drop lower than anyplace else in Shorepan and summers
were, at best, chilly. There were six other kingdoms in the country,
each one trying their best to stand out among the rest. Frederick did
not care much for standing out though; the future for his kingdom, if
he had it his way, would not be one of power. It would be one of
peacefulness, one where its residents would not have the need to feel
threatened by the other kingdoms’ armies. The cold kingdom sat
high on the mountains of Ashah-Tir, overlooking all of Shorepan. It
was surrounded by snow-caked land, dotted with white trees and
populated by wild snow leopards. It was a terrible place for fishing,
the land too sloped and cold for any types of lake. It was a terrible
place for hunting, the snow leopards blending into the background
perfectly so you never knew whether you were the hunter or being
stalked yourself. People often rushed to the witch-doctors –
which Frederick was sure were all fakes – with snot frozen to
their faces, blue hypothermic hands and violent shivering. But the
place was Frederick’s home, and as a member of the royal family
he had a duty to protect it and keep it safe from harm. And Frederick
never shied away from his duties.
Finally he looked up at the woman –
who still wept in front of him – with tired, sleep deprived
eyes and she jumped. Frederick shifted in his seat, one side of him
now numb from being in the same position all day. The cushioned
surface of the throne was comfortable, the fact could not be denied,
but it was not comfortable enough to excuse spending a whole day upon
it. “Ms. Hard-Hall, I believe?” Her bottom lip trembled
as she uttered a response, and it came out shaky. “Yes…
your Majesty, Ms. Elizabeth Hard-Hall.” She wiped her wet,
dirty cheeks with the back of her hand and looked at her king.
Frederick stared back at her for a moment; it seemed unfair that she
should die for such a small mistake. Would it even matter in the long
run? His brain hurt though, and he had been over it a thousand times
in his head. Once in a while, despite his nickname ‘The
Merciful’, he did have to abide by the law. “Ms.
Hard-Hall, I’m sorry to inform you that tonight will be your
last night on this planet. The time of your death will be midday,
tomorrow. And if you try to escape you will suffer public execution
while your family watches, and I’m sure nobody wants that.”
The words felt bitter coming out of Frederick’s mouth and he
did his best not to cringe at the meaning behind them. But there was
nothing he could do. Frederick was a man of many principles and did
not enjoy any kind of killing, whether it be on the battlefield or in
his own kingdom, but to show mercy too much in front of the castle
guards who lined the walls would be a mistake. As the woman knelt
speechless, her head unable to take in what her king, her Merciful
king was saying, tears flowed steadily down her cheeks. Her face gave
away no emotions; it was like looking at a statue, a living, crying
statue.
End of chapter
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Hey, Shauzer!
Let me just say that the opening to this story was so beautifully written. The way you write is spectacular and I think you're being added to my list of favorite writers on here. Your way with words - forgive me if I'm gushing - is so ridiculously good and I need to read more.
That line is poetry.
I just have a few nitpicks for you.
The wording here is strange and jarring. When I read it I was completely pulled from the rest of the story. I strongly suggest that you change it because it interrupts the good flow you had going on.
You said before that his nickname was "The Merciless" so I don't quite understand why she would describe him as Merciful.
I can't picture her emotionless because you continue on to say that she's crying. Tears signify very strong emotion. I think you should mention her eyes drying or the tears stopping if you want to say that she was suddenly without emotion.
--
From this short piece I already feel some type of attachment to Frederick. I love it when an author can sell their character to me in such few words. Also I absolutely adore medieval, Skyrim, GoT type stories so you can bet money that I'll be here for the next installment.
This was amazing, Shauzer. I feel I can't say that enough. Great work.
-RP
Thanks Reece %uD83D%uDE03 I did enjoy writing this and feel it's one of my best works. The nickname was meant to be 'The Merciful'
Ah okay then. That makes more sense.
Dang! This intro gave me chills! Your descriptive adjectives and verb variations were spectacular! I would suggest to capitalize Cold Kingdom because cold kingdom could mean just a plain kingdom in winter, but it's MUCH more than that. But, ya know, whatever.
I'd say your story has a lot of potential, but I'm not really sure how you're going to build on this. You started so high, it feels like anything else would be dull. There's obviously lots of storyline in your head, and I'm excited to see it. I'm just curious as to whether Frederick's story is going to be more personal or more general in a war of the kingdoms. If he had more of a history, or if you gave some detail on which kingdom was overcoming the others, it would give the story a great deal of suspense and your readers a great deal of curiosity.
I love all the cities you've made, but I wish you good luck trying to keep them all straight. I'm writing a fantasy book of my own, and I have to highlight and make an atlas for each.
Besides that, your introduction was wonderful. Everything about it screamed ACTION/ADVENTURE! You should be proud. Wonderful job.
~Lithor
Thanks Lithor
As soon as I finish my main project I'm gonna start working on this 
Hey, you told me about this so I figured I would come check it out and do some reviewing.
Hope I was able to help

Let me first say that this was really good! If I compare it to your London story with Jack the Ripper, I must say it was better in the sense of style. I feel like you're really starting to develop your writing sense here and you yourself are shown in the piece itself. Of course there's still room for improvement which you'll have to discover yourself, but otherswise I liked your style, it worked and it's becoming you!
The alliteration in your piece definitely helped with the flow and some imagery too. I thought that was a very nice touch, whether you did it on purpose or not doesn't really matter. However, I do feel like you could add a bit more imagery to some spots just to make things more, "colorful" in my mind.
I loved when you said the graveyard of past tears. For some strange reason I found that hilarious and ingenious at the same time. Great job with that.
However, there was one major thing I would like you to fix. This entire page was mainly about him pronouncing a woman's death. It was really long, I thought the explaining about the country was well done, but it also made things boring and a bit dreary to my easily bored mind. I know you can keep me in the story if you really want to, that's your main problem.
I'm a little confused about the king's name. He's Merciful, but he feels he's supposed to execute this woman to upkeep his image??? I might have read things wrong, since I do that a lot, but that would be like tarnishing his merciful image. Unless of course that was supposed to be sarcastic, then the tarnishing image should be taken out because that really confused me.
Other than those few things though, this was really well done! You should definitely turn it into a novel, as for the title XD Well, you can always decide that later
Sushi
Thanks Sushi
nice review, I should explain about merciful... um.... if I can....
It wasn't him NOT trying to look merciful, it was really just so that 'merciful' wouldn't turn to 'push-over'. Thanks again for the review, helped 