The sun did rise one Sunday morning
Gathered light from dusk to dawning
I rose quite early out of bed
And tried to arouse my sleepy head
With cups of coffee, caffeine needed
Don't wake others, calling heeded
Get to church, on the hill
And learn all about God's holy will
During the song "Amazing Grace"
Not sitting far from my face
Sat in triumph a few isles down
Sat Rosie Bud with a frown
For a few days ago you see
The whole youth learned a secret of me
Of my heart's wish of Rosie Bud
But my heart was trampled in the mud
Settled down in great dismay
Rejected, scorned, that terrible day
She gave me a look, one of dread
And thought of me "I wish you were dead"
A woman scorned is bad indeed
Terrible! Terrible! Please take heed
You won't ever hear the end of it
When you stand or when you sit
Now the lesson to be learned my friend
Don't dwell on girls 'cause in the end
Don't be a fool or play the dumb
It'll come back and bite your bum
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
I really liked your voice and the story you told in this poem. It was a lot of fun to read. That said, the rhyming nearly ruined it for me. Almost every line in the piece feels like it was forced to make a rhyme. I strongly suggest rewriting this poem with the same style, but without the rhyming. It will free you up to say things in the exact way you want to. You have a really charming piece, and I'd love to see an edit where it didn't have the rhyme scheme dragging it down.
Hello Robster James!
Wow I really like this so well done! I thought it captured the rejection but also the feeling of coming back after getting rejected and getting over it.
Loved the ending, just simply because it was unexpected with the very poetical style of the rest of the poem and then the short phrase that we can all relate to at the end
Well anyway in terms of improving it. I agree with what was said above. Instead of using
Sat twice use was in the second line. It just sounds better.
Also just before that,
Face just doesn't sound right here at all. It sounds like you were trying to find something to rhyme with Grace and could only come up with face. Why not use place instead it still makes sense and it just would sound better in my personal opinion
Other than that and what was mentioned above I think that that is everything!
So well done not really much to improve which is great. I really enjoyed it so thanks for the great read.
Keep Writing,
Lydia
I loved this!The ending was certainly a snappy surprise, especially since your beginning made it seem like it would be something a bit more serious. The imagery is great--you really brought the reader with you through the scenes and recreated the atmosphere.
Just a few things: in the last stanza, would it make more sense for the second and third lines to be switched? And then stanza two, "aisles", not "isles". In that stanza also, try not to repeat "sat" twice?
Overall, high five!