A scarlet night is all I ever really hope for
The woman of my heart dressed in red and silk
Uncovered by the clouds breath need no more
Flourishing in the land of honey and milk
The moon has not shun brighter since
Faint heartedly I seek out the ghost
Of midnights love, to dare wince
Of myself I can't give her the most
Dave the dude is as cool as ice
Is incomparable to me
All they say for me is I'm nice
But Dave is great, it's what they see
Why would the woman in red
Even look upon me today
I'm not much, slow in the head
And I'm slow at speech to say
But I looked up, she took my hand
The softness of her firm grip
Touched me gently as a grain of sand
We made contact, lip to lip
That day we expressed our love for each other
I never thought she'd love me, I was wrong
For that night she became my lover
The hours therein, were ever so long
Now this woman in silken red
Came and joined my life
"I love you" was indeed said
And shortly after she became my wife
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,509 Literary Works • 673,268 Reviews
Hey there, first of all know that I do normally review poetry and Iam by no means knowledgeable on the subject but the title caught my eye and I just had to investigate.
My overall impression was that this was a really nice poem. It was sweet and endearing. Like someone else posted, I thought you were going to go in an entirely different direction with this and I found myself pleasantly surprised.
My only small nitpick was that you went from very oldish days sounding to very modern when you used ''Dave the Dude.'' I struggled a little to figure out where you were going with that but anyways, it's not a big deal to me anyhow.
Great job, you got me to read poetry and that's not an easy thing to do!
*daydreamer
First off, I liked the concept, but take it from me that you need to add some punctuation in there. The scattered commas and nothing else make it look slightly "off". I once thought that periods weren't used in poetry. I don't know about you, but they sure help the structure. Jumping back, the ending or to be more specific, the point of the ending was a nice surprise. I thought at first that it was going to be a sad lament (nothing wrong with that), but the direction you took it was pretty cool. Keep Writing!
The tone in this piece seems to fluctuate quite a bit. I would try to be a bit more consistent with your use of language; each word you use reflects on the emotions, the setting, the way we look at the piece as a whole. You began the poem with wording that seemed almost old-fashioned, and then lapsed into a period beginning from "Dave the dude", and then slowly transitioned back to the original style. It was a bit odd for reading.
Having said that, I like this piece as whole. The story was sweet.
Nice job.
-Coral-