z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

Chapter Two

by TheOneNamedZoe


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

“Teach them to endure weather, temperatures, and climate to understand that they may miss the frost…” One of the gods murmured to Xáos.

"Frost?" Xáos repeated the words in a simpler tone.

"And then when heat comes forth, they will miss snow. They will miss rain when dry winds form, and winds when all it does is rain..."

"And we start with a frost?" Xáos looked towards them. "Very well. Let’s see how well they can harvest."

***

Xelos ran through the fields, playing chase with Solex when a cold, white speck landed on his nose. "Huh? What's this?" His eyes lit up with the knowledge he achieved from the gods. "Snow."

"Snow?" Solex asked, suddenly holding her bare arms and shivering.

"Yeah, frozen... rain," he replied, scratching his head "Hurry Solex, the gods have given us shelter and warmth to survive this trial. It's not too far from here." He quickened his steps, changing direction.

"How do you know all of this?" She followed, looking up at him.

"Because the gods told me so." He grinned.

***

Xelos shivered and put on a sweater. "They just continue, don't they…?"He turned away from the frosted window he was watching through. He walked into a bedroom, seeing a mass of blankets.

“Solex, wake up.” The sheets didn’t budge.

“…Wake up.” Xelos said louder. The blankets remained stiff. He sighed, throwing a book at the mass. The sheets then shifted as Solex, now fifteen like her brother in god years*, stuck her head out of the covers. She rubbed her eyes.

“Mmm… Is it morning already?” She scratched her head as she looked at Xelos with heavy eyes and noticed his stony expression. “What’s wrong? Is it too cold? Should we ask Xáos if-”

"No," He sighed. "But in fact, this is a sign… it's near."

“The war?” She shook her head from sleep. “Aww, but I like this planet…”

"Well, you know what this planet was made for," He shrugged. "Or, at least you would if you did your job."

“What are you saying?” She gave him a slightly offended look, lifting herself up.

“Well tell me, sister. When did you last check my book?”

“A week ago.”

“See?! You’re slacking!” He threw his hands up. “You are supposed to check it at least once a day, and I shouldn't have to tell you this.” He growled, putting the book in front of her in annoyance.

More angered than him, she snapped back, “Well it isn’t such a big deal! It’s just a simple book, a simple journal. It’s not as if you said “I caught a fish” and it was written as “I killed a fish” that it would make much of a difference.”

“Solex, you don’t understand.” He huffed. “What I write in this book happens or will happen in reality. If I write “I caught a fish,” I caught a fish. And if I write “I killed a fish,” well… just… just look." He pulled a flower from a vase by the nightstand and showed it to her. “I’m going to pick this flower up and smell it.” He did so. “Now I’m going to write that instead of me picking it up and smelling it, the flower…just all of a sudden ... caught on fire.” He scribbled into the pages.

“This is ridiculous! There is no way that a fl-“

The flower was now in flames. Xelos looked at it in confusion. "Well, that was weird… When did that get here?"

“Xelos, you picked up that flower.” Solex looked baffled.

“I-I did? When?” He stared in oddity as the lily reduces to ashes.

Solex shook her head, laughing harshly. “This is just stupid, There’s no way you could’ve forgotten that!”

“...Wait, I forgot something? See? I told you!" He snapped at her. "Everything I write in these pages affects and effects me, you, and this whole world; word for word.”

"Why don't you just tear the page out?" She shrugged.

"Because what is written in this book changes everything. If you tear part of it out it may not exist anymore! Not only that, it’s also my lifeline, Solex. Our lifeline.” He looked into her eyes with an unnerving silence. “The lifeline to everything… Now, do you have any other questions?”

“W-Well,” She gulped. “Can’t you do it yourself?” She murmured.

“No, I can’t.” He sighed. “You and I were made for two different purposes of the book; I can write but can’t edit. You can edit, but can’t write.”

“Sure I can!” She put her hands on her hips.

“Really?" He challenged her. "Okay, here’s the book. Write out, ‘I am Solex and I am deciding to write for once.’ ” He gave the book to her.

She nodded and opened to a blank page but, as soon as she placed ‘I am solex', the words immediately faded. Confused, she wrote again. And again. And again. Her body started to shake. Her arms became lead, her head groggy. She felt weak, but didn’t stop. "I.... I am... I am S-S…" Her nose began to bleed. Her panicked writing looked like chicken scratch by now.

“Enough!!!” Xelos pulled the book away in concern, and threw it onto the bed and grabbing her arms, lightly shaking her until her senses returned. “But now do you see?! The same were to happen to me if I tried to edit the words myself… Only you can edit, and only I can write!”

“Oh, gods!" She took a deep breath, the feeling in her hands returning. "I swear I won’t slack off again! I’ll check every hour… Every minute!” She panicked.

“Good… Please, Solex. This is not going to look good on my part and definitely not on yours…” Xelos hugged her tightly. “Remember, there are two of us for a reason: to balance each other out. Now, read through what I wrote today.”

She slowly nodded, grabbed it off the bed and cracked it open.

***

One day, Solex decided to go and get food for them, because they realized that even without the need to eat, it calmed them. She opened the door, a bag of apples hanging from her arm. Apples were almost unable to be found after the frost so they had an abundant amount in a root cellar.

“Xelos! I’m home!” She shut the door behind her. Silence filled the room.

“Xelos?” She walked down the hallway in worry. “Hello? Are you here?” She continued to walk down the house.

“You know Xáos told you not to leave witho- Oh there you are!” She noticed the door to his room was cracked open just a bit. Anticipating, she opened the door.

The bag of apples dropped at her feet.

Xelos was curled up in a corner, clung to his book, and was muttering words under his breath. “I can’t let them… I shall show them… I must teach them…”

“Xelos! What happened?!” She slapped the book out of his hand. The words looked forced and almost out of his own writing.

He continued to rock. His eyes were paled as if he were in a trance. “Must teach them pain… Must show them sorrow…”

“Xelos?! Snap out of it!”

“I must… I must…”

“No!” She slapped him hard in the face. He quickly lifted up his head, the color rapidly returned to his eyes

“…Oh, Hello Solex.” He blinked, smiling obliviously. “When did you come in?”

“Do you even know what you wrote?!”

“I… I wrote?” his smile faltered.

“Damn it, gods!” She looked at the book in fear, flipping the pages. She gasped when she saw one of the lines.

“…And then the family adapted the child to their liking…”

What did he mean by that?! She closed her eyes as her hands moved over the words, and her mind took her to where this event was happening.

***

A woman muttered ancient words to what seemed to be her husband as she came back inside their house, carrying a child in and shutting the door. She seemed to be worried about something, pointing at the little one's legs. Frostbite lead up to the boy's knees, a crystallized black. The man sighed with a grim expression, pulling the bag off his back. He started to rummage through it, the clinking sound of metal loud. He slowly pulled out a saw. The woman stared at it along with the boy, both of their eyes were wide with fear. He heated the blade and walked over to the boy. The woman tried to stop him, talking about other options, but then he pushed her aside and tapped the kid's legs. They let out a crystal bell sound. She held back a sob, looking away. He took the tip of the tool and pressed it against the soft flesh of what was left of the boy's knee. The woman, with tears running down her face, put a cloth in his mouth and held his arms down to restrain him. The man began to cut into the boy’s leg, the boy letting out shrill screams of pain.

***

“I-I-I need to stop this!” She pulled out her paint, ink, and pen, and fixed the one word that was flawed. It turned into:

“…And then the family adopted the child to their liking…”

Sighing in relief, she looked back to the family. The scene now shows the woman walking in with the boy, hand in hand to meet the man who was now his father.

Xelos knew what was happening himself and his eyes stung with tears. “S-Solex…”

“Yes?”

“P-please do not leave my side… when the war begins.”

“I won’t, but I’m taking the book away from you before you hurt anyone else!” She shook her head.

“…They made me do that.”

She sighed. “I…I know.”


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Fri Sep 16, 2016 11:45 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi, Zoe! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we? :D

I'll start with the overall problems like in the last two parts of this story. Remember to apply what I told you in the last two reviews here as well; I'll save both you and I a lot of time by not going into detail about those and instead get to the problem I noticed for this chapter. My main problem with this chapter is about your dialogue. (Which, by the way, does a great job of showing insight onto how the characters think. It's a good way to give them more defining characteristics.)

With only one or two exceptions, your dialogue and its tags work like this: "Dialogue" Dialogue Tag (such as "said"). If you occasionally flip the two around, you'll be able to do a better job of keeping the reader focused on the story. It's also just more visually appealing to have variety like that.

Now onto the specifics!

“Teach them to endure weather, temperatures, and climate to understand that they may miss the frost…” One of the gods murmured to Xaos.


In the first chapter, Xaos' name has an accent over the "a", and throughout this chapter it doesn't. I'm not sure if you didn't realize it didn't or if the first accent was unintentional/changed. But whatever the case is, you should settle on one of the two options. Also, though his name has been mentioned, I'm not sure if you've actually included any description on his role as a god. My suggestion is to include a description, however small, explaining. Mystery is always good in literature, but you can't leave the reader to stumble around blindly in the dark.

"And we start with a frost?" Xaos looked towards them. "Very Well. Let’s see how well they can harvest."


The "W" in "well" should be lowercased. Also, that comment suggests that humanity still hasn't evolved past the agricultural stage of life. If that's true, nice job on slipping that fact in! :D

"How do you know all of this?" She followed, looking up at him.

"Because the gods told me so." He grinned.


I can see the basis for a future conflict here. Solex seems to be in the dark about most things, specifically related to the gods, while Xelos seems to be very close with them. She only seems to really interact with her brother at this point in time.

“…Wake up.” Xelos said louder. The blankets remained stiff. He sighed, throwing a book at the mass. The sheets then shifted as Solex, now twelve like her brother in god years, stuck her head out of the covers. She rubbed her eyes.


I would suggest providing an explanation of how those twelve god years translate into human years.

“I-I did? When?” He stared in oddity as the lily reduces to ashes.

Solex shook her head, laughing harshly. “This is just stupid, There’s no way you could’ve forgotten that!”


"Oddity" is an odd word choice. "Confusion", or something similar to that, would work better instead. Also, there should be a period or a semi-colon after "stupid"; if it's a semi-colon, the first letter of the second phrase should be lowercased like the "i" of "if" is in this sentence.

This is a really interesting development that I didn't see coming. I wonder how it'll play into the events of later chapters! :D

One day, Solex decided to go and get food for them, because they realized that even without the need to eat, it calmed them. She opened the door, a bag of apples hanging from her arm. Apples were almost unable to be found after the frost so they had an abundant amount in a root .


The first is read like a run-on, so I would suggest splitting it up into at least two separate parts or use a semi-colon instead of one of the commas to connect the different phrases.

After "root" there's a space. It also sounds like a word is missing. Going on context clues, was "root cellar" what you wanted to use there instead?

One last comment on this paragraph before I move on. I love how you included the reasoning for why the two eat. Not only is it a good plot device, but it's a great creative twist! :D

“Xelos! I’m Home!”


The "H" in "Home" should be lowercased.

“…And then the family adapted the child to their liking…”


This line and the following paragraph really took me by surprise. I'm not lying when I say that I held my breath for a second; it was such a shocking and unexpected turn of events. The scene was very well executed. Xelos' mutterings and Solex's absolute horror about the situation made it even more emotional than it would have been if those weren't included. Also, you tied in the frost that was created at the beginning of the chapter. I think, though this was the saddest part in the chapter, this was also my favorite one for the reasons I just mentioned.

“…And then the family adopted the child to their liking…”


I love how Solex changed the single letter and was able to make everything better. I feel like this part of the story is a good way to teach aspiring writers the importance of checking for errors in your writing. If you don't, horrible things might happen to your characters instead of what you originally intended.

“…They made me do that.”

She sighed. “I…I know.”


This was a heavy hitter.

First off, Solex most likely will have to pay for her edits; maybe she'll play innocent and deflect the anger the gods will possess for her changing something they ordered.

Here's the part that really gets me: the gods ordered Xelos to write that. My assumption is that they'll become the antagonists of this book because of similar scenarios that might play out later on. If that isn't the case, they'll definitely be a source of conflict throughout it.

My suggestions, as in Chapter 1, are to read your work over out loud before posting it and to read any other type of literary piece that you can get your hands on (whether it be an article, poem, story, etc.).

One of the things that I love about this story is how you introduce new and intriguing concepts each chapter. This chapter, for example, included the creation of frost, Xelos forgetting what he writes after he writes it, and the gods using him as a tool to suit their goals for humanity. Your characters are already beginning to be clearly defined. And, overall, this book is a very interesting read! :D

Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D






Thank you once again!
And this, I will add, is the reason descriptions are quite vague at the start. You should follow along and then learn more, grow up like they do as the chapters uncoil.
Once again, Thank you and I shall get to work after my prologue is in full build!





The god years will be in the appendix





Hey, mage! I finished chapter three if you wish to see it!



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Tue Sep 13, 2016 7:08 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Wow, this is crazy stuff. Crazy in a good way. Fascinating.

I probably should have said that, huh?

Anyway, I love how Solex and Xelos are complementary to each other--which we not only see through the scenes portrayed here, but also the fact that their names are mirror images of each other.

(It took me kind of an embarrassingly long time to realize that.)

And since their names are made up, it wasn't painfully obvious, like if you used a real world name and then flipped it, and then anyone who was used to that name would be like, "Well, obviously 'Htebazile' is just 'Elizabeth' backwards." Since both names just read like, well, names, I didn't notice for quite a while. I like that.

Weird how Xelos doesn't remember the things he writes down! Does that only apply to things he does himself after writing them down, or to anything he writes? Can he remember how things were before Solex edited them, or does her editing erase any memory of what he wrote, since it's now as if it never happened? I'm intrigued by the whole idea, as well as the gods who showed up at the beginning and spoke (quite rightly, I fear) about how humanity is never happy.

“Teach them to endure weather, temperatures, and climate to understand that they may miss the frost…” One of the gods murmured to Xaos.

"Frost?" Xaos repeated the words in a simpler tone.

"And then when heat comes forth, they will miss snow. They will miss rain when dry winds form, and winds when all it does is rain..."

"And we start with a frost?" Xaos looked towards them. "Very Well. Let’s see how well they can harvest."


I think using the weather to discuss this was just so on point, because it's the big thing at my job. Customers complain about the snow and cold and then turn around and complain about the heat.

(I'm allowed to complain about the heat, because the cold doesn't bother me. And I'd be totally fine with snow if only I didn't have to drive in it.)

It gets so ridiculous, like how it's been in the 80s and 90s all summer here and very humid, so the heat index is frequently in the 90s or hundreds--but the minute it dropped down to a balmy, beautiful 75 on Monday, suddenly everyone was saying how cold they were and how it was time to start making chili!

So the gods discussed mankind's complaints about the weather as a symptom of a deeper unhappiness with life in general or a tendency to whine or whatever, but it's also incredibly relateable because most people have probably heard complaints about different weather from the same person.

The only suggestion I'm going to make today is about the dialogue. It actually took me a while to notice, because you use so few dialogue tags (which is fine). So let's look at a spot where you do use them.

“W-Well,” She gulped. “Can’t you do it yourself?” She murmured.


Two points here. One is that the word "said" is best for most dialogue tags. It's fine to use words like "murmured" or "gulped" now and then, but you don't want to get too heavy-handed with them. "Said" is good because readers skim over it without noticing too much. They tend to get tripped up more if you draw attention to the tag by using lots of "he whispered," "she shouted," "he huffed," "she murmured," etc. And you use so few dialogue tags--since you usually just use character actions after a line of dialogue instead--that it was almost even more noticeable. You don't have to change EVERY tag to "said," but decide which one or two in this chapter are most important in terms of us knowing how they're said.

The second point is that personal pronouns like "she" should not be capitalized when they're part of a dialogue tag following a line of dialogue. This is true even if the dialogue ends with a question mark. In normal English, that would mark the end of the sentence and tell us we need to capitalize the next word, but for dialogue the tag is sort of still part of the sentence. So the dialogue above should look like this.

"Well," she gulped. "Can't you do it yourself?" she murmured.


Of course, that rule goes out the window if you use the speaker's name, because a proper noun is always capitalized. Like this.

"Well," Solex gulped. "Can't you do it yourself?" she murmured.


I don't remember if you did so in your other lines, but notice also that periods get changed to commas before a dialogue tag, like after the word "well" in the example above.

But that's a small mechanical thing, easy to fix (especially if you know someone who's good at that sort of thing). It's just kind of my pet thing that I like to hop on and point out.

You might be able to expect more reviews from me on this, if I have anything to say *other* than the thing about dialogue. I found it so interesting.






Thank you soooo much! The comma thing only implies if it's not an exclamatory or interrogatory statement.
But thank you! I'm glad to see you enjoyed it! I hope you read on!



BluesClues says...


Yes, exactly. I thought you probably had the comma thing down, but it was so hard to tell because most of your dialogue was interrogatory or exclamatory or didn't have tags. Which actually is nice, to just not use tags sometimes.



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Sun Sep 11, 2016 3:11 pm
Lightsong says...



This is interesting. Poke me later for review.






*poke*




Put me in the fqluote generator. I say wise things.
— RigoTheHacker