Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
A line in the sand was drawn: The first war.
Xelos dressed himself up in the armor he was given when he was first sent down to Earth. He looked to Solex in fear.
“We’re going to get through this.” She smiled. “But there’s a group of children in need of medicine. I need to get to them."
"But Solex," He grew more tense. "You promised you'd stay by my side-"
"You also made me promise to appease the others." She held his shoulder, looking into his eyes. "I will return to you in no time.”
“Very well... Thank you, I suppose.” He sat on his bed, sharpening the blade that lay before him. Solex walked out the door, shutting it quietly.
“Xelos! It’s time!" Xáos said to him telepathically. "Get out there and lead them on!"
He nodded, hoping Solex will be there in time. He secured his helmet upon his head, a bit tighter than before_due to the fact it's been seven years since last worn_ and stepped outside. He noticed the snow was falling faster than before; In fact, a storm approached them.
"Solex! Hurry up!" Xáos told her. But she didn't listen. There were some people who weren't purposely going to die today.
Xelos secured the scarf upon his neck, as he walked towards what the inhabitants were calling the "Red Cliff". He stood over it, looking down at everyone fighting in their corner of the battlefield. Straightening his posture, he jumped down to them. He was a bit nervous but he knew that with his sister by his side (Eventually) he will make it through.
"Listen up, Fellow inhabitants!" He said with a powerful, booming voice. They all stopped their rambling and turned to face him.
"One of you must win this war,for if you don't, this may happen once more;and I know none of you wish to fight... well, most of you!" His words were stumbling on themselves."Now, Put yourselves into position!"
They all stood, their bodies armed and armored, a snarl under their leather helmets.
"And ATTACK!" He said with gusto, and rose his sword to the sky. He looked out at the field. Maybe this isn't so bad after all, He thought. Perhaps I can do this without my sister. He seemed brave enough out there. Will this war even be all that bad?
And then the blood spilled.
One person, a single stab in the throat, then led to a spraying of his blood across the paper white snow. Xelos dropped his sword and it landed with a soft ring. He fell to his knees and watched the gory onslaught. The snowy grounds, pure and white, were now filled and trampled by the corpses that lay before him.
But then... he realized the truth among the slaughter. He looked at the blood, being as rich as the ink that he had laid upon his paper, which was as white as the snow once was. He must rule over this war, he must make it through the pain and misery for if he doesn't, he will have to write more. More ink... more blood will have to be spilled. He watched as the screaming and the stench intensifies, and he held his head, and he tried not to scream or cry or vomit, or all at once for the matter. He needed someone there... He needed his sister, and now.
***
Solex held tightly to her medicine bag as she looked out to the blinding white through the doorway. She could not see anything in front of her; it was bad even for a god. When she heard the sound of the swords clashing together, her heart almost stopped.
"XELOS! I'M COMING!" She ran as fast as she could, stumbling, tripping numerous times in the snow.
***
Xelos curled up, falling to his side and holding his head as tears ran down his face. He could no longer take the war, he wanted it to end,now... Suddenly, he felt someone else by his side: His mother, the goddess.
"Get to safety, Xelos!" she said worriedly. "I'll do this for you."
"N-No, I-" Xáos appeared right next to him.
"XELOS!" He shouted in shock. "Where is your sister?!"
"I-I-I-I don't kn-kn-know..." He sniffled, and wiped away the tears on his cheeks, managing to sit back up.
"There, there," Mariko placed a hand on his head. "Stay calm, my son. Go back to your house and we will deal with-"
"No." His eyes glinted with gathered hope. "I-I am their leader, I won't back down!" But then he cringed when he heard another stabbing, covering his head again.
"Then at least stay with us, and stay out of it..." Xáos sighed.
He nodded weakly and laid back against the snowy grounds. "Right, b-be brave..."
***
The snow soon waned, and solex ran faster than before. "Xelos, I'm here Xelos! I-"
She stopped, seeing Xáos, Mariko, and Xelos standing at the edge of the cliff with shocked expressions. An inhabitant was speaking... but what? She got closer.
One of the men, horribly wounded, were saying foul words to the gods, spitting in their direction. From the sound of his voice and his actions, it was definitely not a good sign. There was going to be another war. Cheers of anger were shouted around the field. Xelos slowly turned to Solex, his eyes filled with shock, fear, and hate. Their plan had failed. The plan they had worked on for countless years...
"X-Xelos..." He walked right past her. "Xelos I'm sorry-"
Xáos grabbed her hand. "You are coming with us, Solex."
She let out a gulp. She only did what her brother asked for.
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130,003 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
*Appears after several overly dramatic strikes of lightning
Hey! Wizard here! Let's do a review
So, what's good about this chapter? Well, for starters I liked the setting. Bronze-age battlefields are always interesting, and you do a good job of describing the chaotic nature of the conflict. You also do a good job of maintaining the personal perspective of the story, making the reader feel like they remain with the protagonist throughout the whole chapter.
And now its time for.... NITPICKING!!!!
Disclaimer: Take my advice with a grain of salt. This is your story, not mine, and my criticisms are a matter of subjective opinion.
So, first and foremost, it would be nice to have some description of the scenery. I don't even think it was indicated to me whether it was day or night in this chapter. Letting the area of the battle be expressed is a great way to breath life into your work. Secondly, sometimes the character's reactions fall a little flat. For example:
"How could one be so cruel?! Why must they kill each other?! Can't they make up for their differences? Set them aside?!"
Look, I know that your character is reflecting on the horrors of war, but his thoughts here sound like something which would be written in an essay, not conjured by a man in the middle of a bloody battle. This statement is not realistic for the circumstances, and this and other occurrences make your characters feel a lot less human than they should, and completely break the immersion of the story.
Overall, your story has potential, but I'd work on your writing style as far as portraying emotion and detail in order to make this book a good read. If you fix these issues, your story will be nearly perfect! Good job, and happy writing!
-Wizard
*Disappears in a puff of smoke
Reading that over, I think I'll remove that line of dialogue. Thanks!
No problem. Please don't think in any way I thought this was bad. This was great! But in my opinion, negative feedback helps much more than positive feedback does, so I'm usually a much bigger nitpicker than anything else
Hi there!
From reading your story, i feel like you should have more description of the scene actions. You have an equal balance of dialogues and descriptions which i think might not be helpful enough when you are talking about a battle. With more descriptions about the battle, you can create more suspense in your story. For example i think you need to talk more about Xelos' confidence in the battle and only a little bit about his fear. Doing this, you could create kind of a twist in your story, where Xelos started to doubt himself.
The battle scene is where more descriptions come in. I really like the throat stabbing part, but i feel like you can add more to the scene so that your readers can have a better understanding of what the battle is like, and can paint a clear picture of the scene.
And finally, just from reading this chapter, i feel like i know a lot about Xelos through his dialogue and actions, so good job on that! I just feel like this chapter should be more gruesome and descriptive that is all. I hope my advice is use-able and helpful!
Thank you for your review!
Xelos has hardly any confidence throughout the whole entire story. So this little sliver of confidence he shows is a bit shocking and even considerably out of place for him (which is why he stumbles on his words)
With that being said, I will definitely try to add more description to the scene of the war path.
Thank you once again, the advice was helpful!
Your welcome.
. glad i can help!