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E - Everyone

For Him

by TheLeakyPen


Like a rainy day

In the middle of summer

You took me by surprise

You were the honeybee

To my flower

The sun

To my moon

But like a bolt of lightning

You were gone in a flash

Our love was fleeting

As a rainbow is

Like an eclipse

It was once in a lifetime


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245 Reviews


Points: 192
Reviews: 245

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Mon Jun 18, 2018 3:24 am
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hello! ChocolateCello here!
I liked the concept of this poem but I think you have a lot of opportunities for adjustment and growth too.
I'm curious firstly as to what part of the world you live in. The first part of your poem, referencing a rainy day a surprise, seems a little strange to me. Where I live, we get lots of rainy days in the summer. Maybe this is a locational thing or maybe you had a different goal with these lines but they don't seem to convey the same meaning in my part of the world than they might in yours. That's always an important thing to consider in writing- while it's great to appeal to people in your area, if you're looking to reach a more global audience weather metaphors tend to get risky-- that's just something to consider :)
Throughout this poem you rush through a lot of metaphors all in a row. A lot of authors use this technique to emphasize the significance of a single idea but if you're going to use it you need to have some 'beefier' content surrounding it. Add more descriptions and really take some time to dive into ideas and pick them apart. Another thing with the metaphors- if you're going to list them so quickly they need to line up. Honeybees and flowers are more of 'joining pair' while the sun and moon are more of a 'contrasting pair'. While it's fine to use both of these metaphors, you should dive into them individually if you want to put them back to back. Otherwise, if you plan on keeping them brief, it's good to have them either both be 'joining pairs' or 'contrasting pairs'.
I really like the vibe of this poem and I encourage you to keep writing and growing in your art!
-ChocolateCello




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45 Reviews


Points: 1335
Reviews: 45

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Sat Jun 16, 2018 2:57 pm
Lives4Christ24 wrote a review...



Salutations @TheLeakyPen. @Lives4Christ24 is here for yet another review.
I hope I don't offend anyone with my reviews,my only intent is to edify and encourage other writers through constructive crititsm.
To start off, I want to say that you poem is beautiful. I love your metaphors, you are very creative. I can never write love poems, because I can never come up with the write metaphors, so I always love it when other poets can.
Your flow is very good and doesn't break anywhere in the poem. It's not difficult to read or jnderstand, but has depth at the same time.
I love this poem and can't wait to read your next one.




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405 Reviews


Points: 436
Reviews: 405

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Fri Jun 15, 2018 4:34 am
Eros wrote a review...



Hello there, TheLeakyPen !!

Here is Eros to write a review for this sweet yet deep poem ...

I can relate to this poem very well... And every feeling that you have described, touched the heart.

The poem is very touchy with a gradient of different feelings all in one poem. The poem is romantic yet with a sad touch.

The poem has the description of natural elements of beauty, like the moon and the sun.

Then the rainbow mentioned here, gives shades of another set of different feelings of love being like an eclipse, happening just once in a lifetime.

And the way you have described separation of the beloved by comparing it, again with another natural phenomenon, of the lightening flash.

Everything described here was full of deep feelings and emotions.

Romance just flows in the poem. Also the poem flows smoothly and continuously... The presentation of the poem is also done very nicely. The thoughts and the ideas are expressed clearly. It was amazing.

Overall, a great piece of poetry !

Keep writing, for we love to keep reading !!

Have a great day/ Night !

~Eros





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