Hello! ChocolateCello here!
I liked the concept of this poem but I think you have a lot of opportunities for adjustment and growth too.
I'm curious firstly as to what part of the world you live in. The first part of your poem, referencing a rainy day a surprise, seems a little strange to me. Where I live, we get lots of rainy days in the summer. Maybe this is a locational thing or maybe you had a different goal with these lines but they don't seem to convey the same meaning in my part of the world than they might in yours. That's always an important thing to consider in writing- while it's great to appeal to people in your area, if you're looking to reach a more global audience weather metaphors tend to get risky-- that's just something to consider
Throughout this poem you rush through a lot of metaphors all in a row. A lot of authors use this technique to emphasize the significance of a single idea but if you're going to use it you need to have some 'beefier' content surrounding it. Add more descriptions and really take some time to dive into ideas and pick them apart. Another thing with the metaphors- if you're going to list them so quickly they need to line up. Honeybees and flowers are more of 'joining pair' while the sun and moon are more of a 'contrasting pair'. While it's fine to use both of these metaphors, you should dive into them individually if you want to put them back to back. Otherwise, if you plan on keeping them brief, it's good to have them either both be 'joining pairs' or 'contrasting pairs'.
I really like the vibe of this poem and I encourage you to keep writing and growing in your art!
-ChocolateCello
Points: 192
Reviews: 245
Donate