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Love Part 2

by Tawsif


In the typical classrooms of Primary Schools in Bangladesh, you can find the students sitting in wooden benches in two different columns having a narrow gap in between. The column to the right typically belongs to the boys and the column to the left to the girls. And there’s an unspoken, but entirely unprecedented rule here: the boys don’t look at the girls’ benches unless there’s the most urgent necessity—like asking to return a paper-plane which has mis-landed there—and vice versa. The scenario, to a foreign observer, might seem as if two extremely emulous territories have been divided by an impassable border.

I never really got this rule. This hostility between the opposite genders to me has always been entirely pointless. Why should girls and boys, I always question myself, be so different? Why can’t I be friends with girls? After all, we belong to the same class, don’t we?

And so, I don’t care about this rule. I glance, even stare, at the girls’ benches frequently. Whereas the girls’ world is a total no-go zone for my other pals, I often step into it. I laugh at their gigs, I talk with them, and I even fight—both verbally and physically— with them. And the girls, though some hesitate, are just fine with me being friendly with them. I’ve realized over time that it’s the boys who are way too serious about the rule, not the girls. And that’s why it becomes easier for me to act comfortably with them.

But last few days were completely different.

I found myself stealing glances at Nidhi all the time, nervously and fearfully. It was as if I’d suddenly turned into some other guy who almost worshipped the ‘avoid-opposite-gender’ rule, and so felt nervous while looking at girls.

I had judged Nidhi as an opponent in the recent past, thanks to dad’s instigating speech that day, and tried to avoid her sight out of a sense of rivalry. But it was now I actually noticed how she looked.

She has long black hair. Sometimes she binds them into a ponytail, which makes her look a little innocent. But I like it more when she lets her fair fall over her shoulder and back. Her eyes have something mysterious about them that, though she wears glasses, appeals to me. I don’t really know where the mystery is—is it in the color of her pupils? The shape of her eyelids? Or the way she blinks? Her skin is fair—not too fair like some girls who use make-ups, but fairly fair. She has a thin waist which I adore; I can’t stand fat and plump bodies. Her uniform always appears neat, immaculate, something that fascinates me because I could never manage a clean and tidy outfit.

Whenever I darted her glances and looked away, an enigmatic feeling surged through me. A feeling that sent my heart racing. That made me at the same time nervous and confident, weak and powerful, unable-to-think and vulnerable-to-fantasy.

I take a deep breath and look at her again. She’s smirking at Tamanna now. I’ve noticed she most of the times keeps Tamanna’s company. Perhaps they’re best friends.

A wrist watch in Nidhi’s left hand catches my attention. It’s a red digital watch with a ‘Doraemon’ sticker in its band. I’ve seen it a number of times in the market. Maybe it’s a girlish trend these days.

Suddenly Nidhi sways to her right, almost meeting my eyes. I turn away in one swift move and begin scribbling on my notebook. First I write ‘My name is ‘Tawsif’—that’s the only sentence that struck me at that precise instant—and then begin to draw stars one after another.

After I’ve covered almost half the page with stars, I glance to my left. No, she doesn’t have any skeptical look; she’s smirking again. I sigh in relief.

The bell rings, and the sound is soon followed by the entrance of a teacher and all the students in the class standing up and chorusing, “Good morning, ma’am”. Usually I have the loudest voice in this united greeting, but today I utter the three words almost silently. My mind is being overpowered by some other thought.

She wears the most common watch in the market. Yet it appears so special, so unique.


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112 Reviews


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Tue Mar 31, 2020 9:10 pm
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



Now Presenting… A Review!



Beginning

Hey @Tawsif! Here is a review to chapter two (hey that ryhmed). This chapter was good. It was rather short, so this review will be short aswell. I appreciate that you put in some insight of the school in the story.

Storyline

Alright, the story progresses! The first couple of paragraphs were wonderful. I was very confused about the classroom being split up by gender (it is not like that in the United States) and so you explained it very nicely. It is great that Tawsif (I'm guessing this is an autobiography of sorts) ignores the gender barrier in the classroom. Unfortunately, this changes after Tawsif develops "unknown" feelings for Hidhi.

Plot Progression

I mentioned this before, but it is obvious where the plot is going to go. Add some speedbumps, subplots, or interesting characters. Maybe some competition between someone elso who like Hidhi. You probably have already thought about this, as you have seven chapters of Love, but I'm just going over it! I hope you don't mind.

Grammar, Formatting, Punctuation, Spelling, etc

All good! Again, you are such an awesome writer!

She wears the most common watch in the market. Yet it appears so special, so unique.


^^^I just thought this line was very powerful. It really represents how Tawsif likes her. Even though he's seen the watch so many times, it suddenly has meaning to him. A very well written line, especially for the last line. :)

End

Great chapter; short but still good! I'll review the next chapter within the week, hopefully before Friday! Keep on being an amazing writer and go Pig Dragons!

Fly on, Piggies!




Tawsif says...


Thanks. Love that you're finally reading this.



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Wed Mar 11, 2020 9:21 am
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey there :-)

I really liked the opening paragraph in this chapter, as it explained to me how Primary Schools in Bangladesh are usually set out, as I was a little confused in the first chapter as to why the boys and girls were separated but now I understand how your classrooms are. The way you spoke about the 'unspoken rule' was really nice and made the MC feel unique and likeable. The descriptions of Nidhi were particularly nice, as it really felt how a young boy would describe a girl he liked without going completely overboard with the descriptions.

I think my favourite line was this one:

She wears the most common watch in the market. Yet it appears so special, so unique.

Because it truly shows this love that MC has for Nihdi; even the common things about her make her special!




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Sun Jan 26, 2020 12:25 am
Clairia wrote a review...



Hi, there, Tawsif! I'm here to review your work!

I loved this. Exploring the idea of the rarely-discussed "gender rivalry" is really creative. The subject can be pretty touchy within the media and even in real-life situations, so covering it in your writing was a bold move that I thought paid off really well. I applaud you for stepping outside the box in that regard.
These lines really spoke to me specifically:

And there’s an unspoken, but entirely unprecedented rule here: the boys don’t look at the girls’ benches unless there’s the most urgent necessity—like asking to return a paper-plane which has mis-landed there—and vice versa. The scenario, to a foreign observer, might seem as if two extremely emulous territories have been divided by an impassable border.

You put that tension between the two sexes into words perfectly. There's truly a constant need to compete; it's been that way for centuries, and the issue will likely continue to stay undiscussed. You have an understanding of social cues and silent constriction that society has built around men and women. After all, history proves that as one, men and women fight together and seperately. You elaborated a bit on that here:
I never really got this rule. This hostility between the opposite genders to me has always been entirely pointless. Why should girls and boys, I always question myself, be so different? Why can’t I be friends with girls? After all, we belong to the same class, don’t we?

That was what I gathered in terms of overall "meaning" from your piece. Let's move onto technical issues.

Everlight covered most of what I planned on pointing out, but I'd like to comment that you have a bit of trouble with flow. Here are a few examples of what I mean:
That made me at the same time nervous and confident, weak and powerful, unable-to-think and vulnerable-to-fantasy.

I'd suggest editing this down a bit, because it's a bit wordy. Here's an edited version:
I felt nervous and confident; unable-to-think and vulnerable-to-fantasy.

This cuts down the line while keeping the same effect.
The same can apply for this one:
Her eyes have something mysterious about them that, though she wears glasses, appeals to me.

The "though she wears glasses" is unnecessary. You don't add anything to the description here and could introduce the glasses later.
There are other lines that could use this sort of editing, but let me just give you a few tips so you can find them on your own.
- Make sure to edit run-on sentences and split them into two.
- Don't feel like that you have to split a sentence if it's too long. Make sure that it has the properties of a run-on before deciding to break it down.
- Be careful with descriptions. You don't want to give everything away at a character's introduction. Introduce some characteristics later on and try to just cover the basics at first glance. Remember that the protagonist likely wouldn't analyze the newcomer how a writer would; appearance can be limited to just a sentence or two.

I loved the ambition of this piece. It was a great read, and I hope you'll consider my advice when writing in the future.
Thank you for sharing (and happy writing!)

Clairia

This review was brought to you by @Clairia from Team Ruby Reviewers!
Happy January 2020 Review day!
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Tawsif says...


Excellent review. I really really appreciate it. Will look into your advises. Thanks a lot.



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Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:12 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway

First Impression
This was charming, but I think you were way too formal. This really doesn't read like a love story, although I can tell that this is one.

Nitpicks

First of all I'd remove the entirely from this sentence-

And there’s an unspoken, but entirely unprecedented rule here: the boys don’t look at the girls’ benches unless there’s the most urgent necessity...

That reads better this way-
And there's an unspoken but unprecedented rule...


Now here, I believe you could find a better word the mis-landed-
like asking to return a paper-plane which has mis-landed there—and vice versa.

And since I'm examining this sentence, I might as well add, that the word has could be removed as well.

Now here you missed a word-
But last few days were completely different.

You need to add the word the before the words last few days.

Here you have another misspelling-
But I like it more when she lets her fair fall over her shoulder and back.

You spelled hair as fair. XD.

And this sentence...just didn't sound right-
I’ve noticed she most of the times keeps Tamanna’s company.

Either remove the s from the word keeps, or just use the word in like this-
I've noticed she spends most of the time in Tamanna's company.


This is more optional but, I think you can combine the words wristwatch here-
A wrist watch in Nidhi’s left hand catches my attention.


Other then that I couldn't find any other nitpicks. Nice going!

Style & Word Choice
As I have mentioned before you sound far too formal, and I think this would suit the story better if you lightened up your prose, or at least use more friendly formality.

Other then those errors this was perfect. Thanks for posting this!

EverLight Out




Tawsif says...


I didn't see that coming, honestly!

Anyway, that's what people here in YWC should do more often: give honest reviews, even if they sound a bit harsh.

Thanks very much for the review. Really, I owe you!



EverLight says...


Your welcome.




cron
"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind