5...
Will the plan work it has to work I... We have been planning this for a year and 5 months. Although I had done most of the work while they chatted and played on the Wii and the X-box leaving me to plan who to meet to chat about; equipment, maps.
4...
Of course it was going to work. What was it that Miss Johnston would say at school oh ye I am a genius!. What is for tea I hope it's stake and dumpling I guess it's too late to ring Jess and ask. I wonder what the kids are doing probably watching Bob the Builder or the happy fluffy bunny show or some crap like that. Children should be doing string theory get it in their heads while they are still young and their minds are uncorrupted by the imperfections of this god forsaken world.
3...
As those numbers are called out time seems to be 2/7th of its normal speed. It's so chilling the dribble of sweat sprinting down my neck. My eyes fell saw and achy maybe I have a disuse it would be such a let down if this go's of without a hitch and then it terns out I have a disuse. That is odd my knees are quivering my knees don't normally quiver but this is not a normal situation.
2...
Only two seconds but it feels like forever. That's strange every thing seems to be so calm. I can see the frost so clearly and the birds unsuspectingly chirping like an orchestra of the wild. And the un-touched and un-harmed crystal lined ground. The sky like the ocean is on top of owner head so blue the white water wave like clouds crashing into each other. Its like the calm be for the storm like the eye if the storm.
1...
Okay this is it...Ohhhh this ski mask is itchy.
GO...
Wow that's a powerful explosion we may have put to much C4 in the breaching charge. Oh God when do I look round this corner. Oh okay now..... OK. there it is the future of me and my family. with re-enforced six inch high carbon steel sheets with a square gaping hole blasted though it with 21 pounds of C-4. There's enough money in there to fill the house. I am rich f*** rich.
-TGS
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,797 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
I love this as a concept sketch, now just put some filler points in-between 234 and 5. This could be a great spoof on traditional dime a dozen thriller fiction. can we get a round 2? I don't care too much about the spelling except where it interferes with following the plot.
Wow I like this It is clever and must have been hard to do. The thing that through me off was the spelling mistakes there were Quite a lot of mistakes I hope you will fix them.(dragonfphoenix has listed the mistakes in his review). I did not like The title Thoughts before a abnormal situation. it was Too long and was not catchy enough but That's just me. the implied swear word was not tasteful and sort of put me off as well. hope this helps sorry if it was a bit of a downer
sincerely 1GuyToReview
If you need some thing to review for points check out my work and wall.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Biggest thing that threw me off throughout the entire piece: punctuation, or rather the lack thereof. Second thing: spelling and grammar.
First off, your title is incorrect. It should be "an abnormal", not "a abnormal". It's a major turnoff to readers if you don't have a proper title. It tells them that you haven't spent the time you need to with the manuscript, and as such they come in with low expectations.
Now, I understand that this was written the way it was for style reasons, but still, you can properly punctuate a person's thoughts.
And then the thoughts are fragmented in an illogical way, and not even the scatterbrained "so close to insanity they're a genius" kind of way, but just illogical. For example:
This doesn't seem to follow any logical train of thought at all, not even with association. If association's there, it's way too vague to follow.
What happened to the "perfect plan" mentality? Seriously? The person doesn't know when to look around the corner? I think that's dumbing it down just a little too much.
This just needs to be rewritten or reworded or punctuated differently or something. It just doesn't flow at all. If you combined it into one sentence, it would feel more real and be more understandable.
Hope this helps!
thanks this is really helpful thank you. plus I am not good at this but I hope I get better and this will help thanks
Wow, this is a really really good idea!
I love how you left the story open until the end, when you just dropped it on us that it was a... bank robbery? That's the idea I got, it's amazing!!
One of the bits I really like is how you've numbered it, like, it's in stages and it really adds power to the work, making the reader want to know what happens at the end of the count down. I love it!
Another thing I love is your DESCRIPTIONS. OH MY GOD THEY'RE AMAZING.
"the birds unsuspectingly chirping like an orchestra of the wild" I think it's really imaginative!
The only thing I'd suggest you improve on is some spelling mistakes and grammar issues, but those are easily solved with a little time and editing!
Overall, great piece of writing, I'm enjoying all of your works up here! I anticipate more!
-CFG