Young Writers Society

Hi TGS!

I will start off with what I liked about the song, assuming the first seven lines I think are the chorus, I thought that was quite a solid chorus. You want the chorus to be short, snappy, catchy, because that's the hook that your listeners will be singing along to. Generally, I thought the song used some really good imagery, and it was different, but I liked it.

You have to pay,

But not in money or cash form,

So silky smooth but still I made the wrong choose choice,

Hello and Happy Review Day!

I like this song; it's very emotional, but not quite your typical romantic song. I'm getting more of a rock feel from it than pop? (If it is pop, that could work really well too; kind of like the dissonance similar to the upbeat tune of 'You Ain't Nothing But a Hound Dog'.) But there are a lot of grammar mistakes. Thankfully, people can't hear grammar mistakes for the most part, but it still wouldn't be bad to go back through and catch those.

Next on small-scale revisions would probably be your use of pronounce. In the chorus, it says, "You beat IT within an inch of MY life" and while I get what you're trying to say- like s/he beat the heart within an inch of the person's life, but maybe find a different way to say it so it doesn't seem off and I don't have to stop and think about whether or not that makes sense/works.

Also on pronouns, I'm not sure who's being referred to in the line where it says "I wish I had never seen her". Is it referring to the 'you' that was a blade, a blaze, etc.? (Really catchy intro there.) If it is, I would encourage you not to switch pronouns for just one line like that. Is it referring to a girl that maybe the you is cheating on the 'I' with? In which case, that really needs to be expounded upon more so we get the story as opposed to this one-liner sort of kind of referring to it.

The only other thing that seemed a bit off was "You should have used a knife." I thought he was a blade. That's not a big deal, but in just my opinion, I might use some other sort of imagery to avoid the contradiction.

Good luck to you and your band! Rock on! (or pop on, if that's a thing people say. )

Hope this review helped,
-tgirly

WARNING: I realize that I sound really rude below so I'd like to tell you that when the Creative Writers did a colab. with the Singer-Songwriters here at my school (majors), this is basically what they tried to convey to us. Were we good at it? Not at all, so I'm passing the knowledge forward with a bit (okay, a lot) of my own observations in there. Also, you are a very dark song writer....


Words... So. Many. Words...

Let's start here: a song is not a story. It's not a poem. This means it doesn't have a ton of words or visuals and in reality isn't that long. The beauty of a song is it's simplicity. It took me a minute to actually figure our what your chorus was because you don't have it labeled at the chorus in here (that would be über helpful by the way, even for yourself). Also the chorus is 18 lines long. I know you label that first past as the chorus but a) it's only at the beginning, b) it's at the beginning, and c) it's smothering me with rhyme.That said, you might be trying to use the repetition as the meat of the song, which is a no-go. The chorus should be short (max lines 7 I recommend) and the verses not super repetitive.

I know that I said this isn't a story, and it's not, but remember that you are trying to tell something with a song. I have a suggestion here. Rewrite what your trying to tell as a story or poem and then turn it back into a song. This will help you see what your trying to show the person who's listening to it, or reading it on their laptop, and make it so that the point (known here as the Chorus) is short and sweet and story focus.

My one big tic is the rhyming. The beauty of music is the ability to write words and force them to rhyme. Side and pride are easy and so having a bunch of similarly rhymed words makes it drag a little. Things like fizz and mist though... even reading them now, I'm sure you can hear the lack of rhyme there, but they can be fit together in the song simply because of the closeness (or even if the pronunciation was changed to fit your needs; it's allowed here).

BE BRAVE WITH THE LYRICS! You're trying to stay safe and write without putting to much into the lyrics in terms of variation but that's the only thing that's really hurting this song. Put too many words at first! You can always take some away, but it's a lot harder to find room to add some in. I know I'm saying start from scratch back in this review somewhere, but that's not even needed. Take what you have and write the long version. That's all. Then cut out the over-the-top repetition and I guarantee this will have improved quite a bit.

It's such a strong start and I want to see where you can take it. I love the ending especially because it wraps up what I think you're trying to convey with the lyrics. I read that repeating "You took it your stole it," as a kind of (well) pathetic admission at the end which is great. Not pathetic bad, but as in you're on your knees and coming to accept something. Then those last two lines. Nice. I think they should be your main focus...

Wow this is long.