There is a man in the mirror just like you,
He smiles just like you,
He moves like you,
But your left is his right,
Your right is his left,
Your right is his wrong,
Your wrong is his right,
And his smile is only concealing his,
Plotting and planning,
Until the day he can break free of his,
Reflective,
Prison.
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140,099 Literary Works • 672,999 Reviews
Wow, man, this stuff is trippy.
This is great, really striking and the kind of stuff that will make some people quite fearful to look in the mirror and others to start miming in front of it just to be sure.
These stories seem more suited to be in the poetry section, but I'm quite thankful it's in this category so I don't need to sift through the pile of poetry to find one like this.
There's one error I found, or maybe it's not and I'm just fussy. "And his smile is only concealing his" seems kind of strange, shouldn't it be "And your smile is only concealing his" or such. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right, only you know.
So, great story, beautiful writing, keep on writing.
I see what you mean but I wanted it to sound like another person but thank for the review
Hello, this is great TGS, possibly your best work yet!
What I like:
-The rhythm works really well for most of the piece.
-The switch over between the actual reflected image and the opposite personalities was really clever and almost unnoticeable, and was possibly the best bit of the poem.
-The line "Reflective prison" was very good, because the adjective wasn't describing the metaphor of a prison, but the mirror, if you take my meaning.
What I would change:
-There are a couple of places where I would minutely change the line breaks; The third and fifth last lines I would have
"And his smile is only concealing
His plotting and planning,"
and just get rid of the comma altogether, and
"Until the day he can break free
of his reflective,
Prison."
-I would change the settings of this piece to a poem, rather than a short story, and maybe title to something like "Split personalities" or "Schizophrenic reflections", (only preferably better, but you see what I mean)
This was a great poem, and I really enjoyed reading it.
Take That You Fiend!
Thank
Hey! I'm Sarah and I'm here to review!
The thing about this piece is that it doesn't seem like a short story. To me, it's more like a poem of some sorts. You should maybe put this under the poem section; it's too short to be a short story.
I do like this a lot though! It gives me the chills. *shivers* Loving it!
Now, please don't blow me up. A person done that to me recently and I'm rather bummed out because of it.
I hoped I help a little!
Bye!
Thanks
You're welcome!