Dreams
In the closet Aria and Derin called home were two small and well worn cots. On the two cots lay the twins’ meager belongings, a journal for Derin to write in, an origami flower blessed so that it may never wear down, Sparks smuggled from past raids and two silver rings. Each item held some sort of importance, if it didn’t then they would have ditched it years ago.
Aria scrunched her nose when she saw the rings. Why Derin had kept them all these years was beyond her, except that they had once belonged to their parents, but even that made no sense to her. Their parents had left them out on the streets to starve when they were barely able to stand. Drunkards and druggies, good for nothing trash, Aria harbored nothing but hatred for them. Derin still had a scar on the inside of his wrist from one of their worse nights.
She couldn’t remember a time when their life had been easy, always running. Numerous homes had been taken away from them, friends turned against them and hopes crushed. Why? Had they done something to tempt fate? Was their existence so cursed that this was meant to be their life, their destiny?
"Aria, are you ready to go?” Derin’s voice shattered her thoughts,what was she thinking, getting all depressed wasn’t like her at all. This was no time to live in the past, they had to leave, survival was now their top priority.
"Yeah, sure, just gimme a sec. I’ll meet you outside when I got all my things.” Absently Aria started stuffing items in her knapsack: old bread crumbs, mice carcasses and scrap pieces of papyrus. When her bag could fit no more she sloppily tied it shut and rushed out the door to meet her brother.
From there they walked on, not knowing where or for how long, just that they were leaving. It was sad really, to leave all of their old friends behind, but she also found it a relief. The Clans no longer had any hold over their lives. Looking back, Aria realised how silly her life had been all this time. The Clans were just a bunch of orphaned kids trying to survive. A sigh escaped her lips earning her a questioning look from Derin.
Further and further to the very ends on the floating city did they journey. The scenery soon morphed from skyscrapers to diamond fields. Aria’s mouth fell open just to see the sky again, in the lower parts of the city where they lived, or used to live, the sky was never visible. Instead it was blanketed by thick layers of smoke a pollution.
"Hey Derin, do you remember the cliff where we used to go after Clan meetings. It was located here wasn’t it?” To most this question would have seemed a waste of breath, but to them it was like a beacon of hope. Remembering what they lived for was what kept them alive.
"Somewhere around here, yeah, but now it’s just a bunch of rubble. Why do you care? Are you having flashbacks?” His face was masked of emotion, but Aria knew better. She never understood how it worked, but somehow she was able to “read” his emotions. He was panicked. Do you still have the shell?” His attempt to change the subject was evident but she smiled anyways. From under her shirt she revealed a tiny shell hanging from a worn hemp string. The sun reflected off the surface creating sorrowful indigos, foamy greens and rusty oranges that fell in waves.
"Didn’t you find this when you decided to go cliff diving? You almost got a concussion doing that, but you didn't listen when I told you that there were rocks down there.” Derin chuckled remembering his stupidity on the matter. Aria had almost died of shock when he jumped off head first. Thankfully for him his head hadn’t made any contact whatsoever with any of the jagged rocks below.
"No, if you remember correctly I was perfectly fine afterwards, not a single scratch or bruise.”
"Are you sure? I would check again to see if your brain handled it as well as your thick skull.” Aria retorted.
"Touche! You sure are one sassy little sister.” Blood rose to Aria’s pale cheeks. She hated being recognized as the little sister with the poor health.
"I’m not your little sister! How many times do I have to tell you that? I may be younger than you, but a minute difference isn’t much! We’re twins, there’s no real difference when it comes to age.”
"Fine, whatever you say.” He laughed ruffling her already ragged hair.
"Oomph! Ouch, what was that?” A metal beam was burrowed deep in the ground, just lying in wait for someone not to notice its presence and trip. But what was a metal beam doing out in the middle of nowhere? What happened next was completely out of their control.
End of chapter
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Just from the reviews I've sen this looked like a really good chapter, and I was wasn't disappointed. I like the conversation between Aria and Derin, but it seems like the time period switched about 2000 years. At first it seemed medieval type world, then now really really modern. Anyway, that isn't too big of a problem. I only noticed one punctuation problem where you had a comma that wasn't separated from the next word, but I couldn't find it when I went back.
I think you did a good job of getting across Derin and Aria's brother/sister relationship. They had the serious moments, but also the part where they got somewhat annoyed by each other. It's exactly how it is in real.
Keep it up!
Awesome! I was a little worried that I would have trouble with their relationship since I am an only myself, but I have a friend like a sister so I tried to think of it in that sense, just with a guy. Glad you liked it!
Yeah, well good job.
This is probably my favorite chapter so far! (Sorry it's taken me so long to get to it; lots of tests the last week of school and all). I love how it has a more nostalgic mood than the chapters before it, how it's all bittersweet and they're looking back, but then it ends with this pull to the present with "this was the place" and suddenly you can't wait to see what comes next. The only thing that didn't make sense to me was how the "Sparks smuggled from raids" entered the category of things that "meant a great deal to them", you might have to do some moving around there to make it make more sense.
I like the backstory you've got started here and I'm getting really curious to what's so significant about this cliff; this chapter sets it up really nicely for the next one. I like how they aren't really complainy about having to move on, they're just like, we' don't want to but it can't be helped so let's get going.
Next, you are contradicting yourself within two paragraphs of the open in this chapter. The rings meant a great deal to them, but the female lead can't understand why they kept them? There's something backwards with that.
Watch for use of glass shards. You use that expression frequently in your writing. You talk a lot about glass, but I can't really pinpoint it's significance to the speakers. Also, including the pets, to me, seems like a waist of space. You never mention them before, and they don't seem to be important to the plot, just a part of normal rich life. Why there is even a pet store confuses me. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals about what is going on. First, the world sounds really desolate, not a lot of people, or society, especially since the kids are creating one on their own, and they need to go on these raids for things. Then there's also the fact that the girl is sick, but the society they do have isn't willing to HELP her, so there's obviously no health care or comradery for the weak, but now there are pet stores when they can barely feed themselves? It's a mixed signal. Also, why aren't the adults taking care of the young? What is going on with that?
You keep making more questions than answers, but I'm glad to see that you have started to describe the world finally. My question now, is are you going to go back and edit the earlier chapters to describe the setting then?
I think that I shall take more time to explain the situation further. I tend to skip around when I think too so I don't realize when I sound confusing, woops. I'll definitely try to clear those things up.
Hi there!

This is a nice, short chapter that really gives the reader more insight into Aria and Derin's life. There's no action at all, but I like that about this. Sometimes you just need that one chapter where you slow things down and take a good look at your characters.
Good job with this chapter and I can't wait to get back to the action chapters!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**