Do You Remember? (Chapter 2)

by SushiSashimi333

Published April 18, 2013

12+

In Do You Remember?

Raid

Adrenaline gushed through Derin’s veins pushing his legs to maximum speed. He was not a runner and he never wanted to be, but when one’s life depended on it, it was only natural to sprint as fast as you could. He could feel the beasts breath tickling the hairs on the back of his neck. Gardilla beasts weren’t known for their amazing speed, but that didn’t seem to make them any slower. He could feel the sack of his sister’s medicine against his leg.

"Come on people pick up the pace! If you don’t move faster than me then you’re Gardilla bait!”. Derin didn’t dare look back to see if his teammates had heard him, he was sure that if he saw the Gardilla beast he would freeze where he stood. Gardilla beasts were hairy, foul smelling animals with a poison that bloated then killed a person. The nasty part was that the poison took two days to put the victim out of their misery.  Not many had been as lucky as Aria to survive a Gardilla attack. As a reminder of her encounter with the Gardilla her health had been permanently damaged, the pigment in her hair bleached out until it was completely white.

A thunderous bellow echoed throughout the richly decorated mansion. Surely if the owners of the house hadn't already been alerted of their presence they would now know.

"Get down!” The scream was shrill and panicked. Derin hit the ground with full force, unfortunately some of his other teammates were not as fortunate. Their screams sliced through the air penetrating his thoughts. It felt as if a heated knife were being slowly stabbed through his heart, the lives of those lost would not be forgotten.

Tears welled in his eyes but he brushed them away, it was a good thing that he had made Aria stay back with the Yuns, or newbies. She wouldn’t have been able to stand the sight of the Gardilla, it would bring back far too many bad memories. Behind him he could hear the terrified shrieks of another Clan Elite. A small figure clutched in the beast's serpent-like tail, flailing back and forth. That's what must have taken out the others.

When fighting a Gardilla what you needed to avoid were the claws and teeth, what you needed to watch out for was the tail. Not many viewed it as a potential threat, and that was how they normally winded up nothing but a splat of red on the ground. He watched for a couple seconds, observing the tail's movement. He would need to run fast in order to rescue the Elite, but he figured his odds of making it were decent.

There was no debate on what Derin did next, he rushed the Gardilla and stabbed its leg violently a dozen times over. With a flash of light and the buzz of pure energy a Pyrg was embedded in the arm of the Gardilla. Black blood spurted from the wound covering the clan member head to toe in ichor. More Scithes followed in the first’s path resulting an earth shattering screech.

Derin’s hands clamped over his ears trying to block out the harrowing howl. He could do nothing but watch as the clan member fell from the tail of the Gardilla. Her head hit the ground, hard. At the very least she would have a major concussion, at the worst, he didn’t even want to consider what would happen. It was about time to leave and ditching her was not an option. He sprinted towards the fallen figure and scooped her up gently but swiftly.

Carefully he removed her mask to analyse her injuries. Her face was pale, almost grey with fever. Blood trickled down the side of her face, she looked as if she were crying tears of blood. White strands of hair cascaded down her broken figure, why in the world was Aria here?

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Messenger
Review
Messenger wrote a review Review · Sep 10, 2013

OK, so I was into the fight, it was adrenaline-rushing, Derin started fighting, and there was a sad moment as the other raiders began to go down. Then Aria appeared on the scene all of a sudden! Whew! Did not see that coming at all. You did an excellent job of completely concealing Aria's thoughts of fighting in the first chapter.
Loved it.
Keep it up!

User avatar
tgirly
Review
tgirly wrote a review Review · May 14, 2013

I didn't see that coming. That's an amazing ending to the chapter! The only thing that I didn't like about the chapter was it's a bit confusing; first he's running from the gardilla and then he's ducking something and his teammates are being killed? I'd clarify a bit on the action if I were you.
I love how you kind of foreshadow Aria being there with "it's a good thing Aria had stayed back with the Nuns". Psyche! She's right there, getting herself almost killed! And I love how, in saving a random clan member, he ends up saving his sister. If I believed in kharma, that's what I'd call that; perfect.

User avatar
Aley
Review
Aley wrote a review Review · May 8, 2013

He was not a runner and he never wanted to be, but when one’s life depended on it, it was only natural to sprint as fast as you could.
So aside from this being a super long sentence, it is a long inconsistent sentence. First, we have the use of one, a formal declaration of an outside individual, or a self. Right after that, we get you, which is an informal address. Which of these do you want to stick with? Pick one and make sure you are consistent with your story.

Next, we have things like Manilla which is actually a color, so we have a pre-associated word being connected to a new definition, this is rather bothersome. It's kind of like saying someone was a red on Friday and meaning they were a jerk last April. Redefining words can be super confusing, especially when there's really no need to do it. Just make up a different word and google it to check to see if Google knows what it is. This is the same problem I have with Scythe, or Scithe as you spelled it. The two words are so similar and sound so much alike, that I don't know how you would pronounce scithe any differently than scythe. That being said, I think of the farm tool and not an energy weapon.
So lastly, I don't think you need to explain all of these different things. I understand that you're creating a new dialect, adding new words to the children's vernacular, but we can catch up. Have a bit of faith in your readers to avoid providing explanations for everything. I knew that a clan elite had to be someone who was very strong/skilled in the clan. I knew that a scithe could be used as a weapon. I recognize energy weapon as EW after you explain it once. So that being said, calm down on your explanations, and get further into the story. You're heading that way with this chapter, and I like the feel. Still need less in the head and more out of the head, but it's getting there.

I'll work on changing the names, sadly I always end up rhyming with other words. My skills on naming could use a lot of sharpening, will ask around for some good names.

User avatar
LadyPurple
Review
LadyPurple wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2013

HI! You know, I have been meaning to read this for a while but decided it would be great Review Day material ;) ok! Onto this review!
I like it. I really do. But I was wondering why the first letter at the start of every new paragraph is bolded. I am not correcting it, just wondering.
Anyway!
I will be explaining comma splices. Because I am a comma splice Nazi. So, you know how a semicolon is a way to connect two full sentences, right? Well, when you use a comma in place of the semicolon it is called a comma splice. They aren't as serious as some punctuation errors but I like explaining them. I will explain with examples from your work. :3
Derin hit the ground with full force; unfortunately some of the others were not as lucky as him.
See that semicolon there? It has been added because those two sentences were full sentences.
That's all I wanted to say. If you have any questions then ask!
Another thing:
path resulting an earth shattering screech.
Did you mean 'in an'?
I liked the action and I hope you write more soon!
~LP

Oh yeah, woops! About the bolded-ness, whenever I paste something in it all comes out bold, and for some reason I can unbold all of it except for the first letter and such, strange right? I shall correct the things that you commented on, thanks, I never understood what comma splices were.

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Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Apr 19, 2013

*gasp* Not Aria!!!!!!

Hi there!

Had to get that off my chest. Don't leave me hanging like that! Ahhh! I want to know why she was there and what's going to happen to her and...just, I'm at a loss for words. That's a great ending to the chapter but I absolutely hate it (mainly because it was Aria in the grasp of the beast). She just doesn't have good luck with these creatures, does she?

This chapter lived up to all of my expectations. I like the action. It really brings out the best in Derin. And we also learn a lot about Aria; she's not one to sit around and watch someone else do something for her. Just a question though, isn't she dying? I'd find it hard for her to follow them through this situation if she's on the brink of death.

I can't find anything that I would change. It's perfect. Kind of a short chapter, but with some stories, short is good. I think it works well with your story.

Let me know when the next chapter is out. I really can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

sure, I will definitely remember to tell you once the next chapter is up, thanks!

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SushiSashimi333
Comment
SushiSashimi333 commented Comment · Apr 18, 2013

Whenever I get a review I try to fix the story asap, so if some of the reviews don't make sense, well I fixed them :)



I went to confront noisy neighbours, only to find the windows dark, stuck with two notes. The ghost, too, had "gone fishing". Something still whistled.
— Liminality