Stray
Stars hung in the sky shining colors from red to blue to white. Aria stared at the smallest white one she could find, she liked those the best because they reminded her of herself. They made her think that despite her differences and weakness that she could rise to higher places. But now that they had become refugees, those dreams were seemed farther away. Why had Mira betrayed them? Why would Derin go as far to break a Clan Code for her?
Where was Derin? The thought seemed insignificant at first, but as her situation dawned on her panic soon set in. Stay calm Ary, just calm down. He probably went out to go get some food, or something. Despite her thoughts, Aria knew that probably wasn’t the answer. Derin wouldn’t risk getting caught by the Clans when their Betrayal Period had only just begun. Aria shivered, a chill creeping down her spine despite the warm air.
The last time someone had been caught during their Betrayal Period it hadn’t been pretty. Aria had seen the mangled corpse, limbs torn and skin flayed as if to torture. Tears of blood running from their dead eyes. The kid had only been a Yun, five at the oldest, three at youngest, either way he was too young to understand the sacrifice of joining the Clans. You had to leave your childhood, your family, and your chance at a decent life. To Aria and Derin the Clans had been better than their previous life, but for many it was just a mistake. Once they joined there was no turning back unless expelled, and even then the Clans would be out hunting you. It was like a game. The Clans would give you 12 hours to escape or hide from them, then they would send out their best warriors to bring you back and torture you until dead.
A siren wailed behind her snapping her out of her stupor. Red and blue neon lights flashed making it hard to see. What were the authorities doing here? She was practically in the middle of nowhere and as far as she knew she was doing nothing wrong, unless those weren’t the cops. Without a second thought Aria rushed to get her belongings and hid behind a nearby tree.
Silently she watched two shadows step out of the patrol car, both were male. Hunters. Derin, she needed to go find him, make sure that he didn’t come back, that he knew where she was, see that he was safe. Then like a stray cat she vanished from the scene.
***
Derin stood outside the nightclub, neon lights flashed and laughter filled the air. He didn’t want to be here. He would have rather been next to Aria making sure that she was safe, but they needed a place to stay. Traveling as refugees for the rest of their lives wasn’t how he prefered to live. He was only a town away from where he had left her, but it might as well have been on the other side of the world for how much he was worrying.
The man standing before him was tall and stocky; Derin felt like a cottage sitting next to a skyscraper. The man wore sunglasses despite it being night and a T-shirt even though it was chilly outside.
“Look, I just need to see the Rogue for a couple seconds. It’s not like I’m gonna turn him into the cops or anything, I just need to talk.” It had been going on like this for hours. Derin would plead and the guard would turn a blind eye. “I even scheduled an appointment with him, just give him my name, you’ll see!.” At this the guy snorted.
“Fine, whatever you say little guy.” Derin scowled, he wasn’t little, this man was just giant. “I’ll get the Rogue for you, but make it fast. The Rogue doesn’t like last minute guests.” The man turned and entered the nightclub leaving Derin shivering outside.
It was hard to believe that after all the arguing he had done that his problems would be resolved so easily. He sighed glad to have a moment to himself. He liked his time with Aria, but sometimes it was nice to just be alone and think. The stars weren’t as visible as they had been in the countryside, and the air didn’t seem as crisp or fresh, but the city brought a certain calmness to him.
“Derin? Are you Derin?” A feminine voice intruded in on his thoughts making Derin turn in surprise. She had short, spiky black hair with silver tips. Her face was pretty in that unique way and a stubborn expression shown on her face. Youth seemed to emanate from her, making even Derin feel ancient.
“Yeah, that’s me. Who might you be?” He didn’t mean to sound impolite, just frank.
“Oh dear, you can’t tell just by looking at me? How ‘bout you try guessing, I always love a good guessing game!” Derin studied her up and down. The spiky haired girl wore a dirt brown cloak that was fraying at the ends and old scuffed up combat boots. Tucked in her belt was a silver dagger adorned with a ruby in the hilt, swirling leaves accenting it’s blood red tinge.
“Mara?!”
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I have to say that the past three chapters have been a little confusing. This one not so much, but you still have hardly any description or explanation of where Ary and Derin are. this chapter it was fine for the most part, but it could still use some help. Like where the nightclub is, and what the surroundings are.
Now the storyline itself is getting better and better with more and more mysteries. Who is Mara? That is obviously the big one right now, but you've had others along the way. I've really enjoyed this story so far.
Keep it up!
Hi there!
*since this is her thoughts it should be in italics. Especially since it's written in third person. In first person you can get away with adding thoughts like this because there's only one narrator. But, ad you know, there is no set narrator in third person so you need to establish what thoughts being to who.
Something I've noticed is that you seem to have a lot of commas missing. I was going to quote them all for you, but that would've taken a while and really would've made for an annoying review. And I know you can pick it all up if you read through this again. Just remember with commas:
1. Always put one before someone's name in a conversation
2. Put them between ideas in a sentence. For example, you wrote
There should be a comma between thoughts and Aria. You're talking about her thoughts first, then about the fact that she knows they aren't true. These are two different ideas that you must separate.
3. When in doubt, read it out loud. I find this very helpful myself because it always looks right when I write it out. But sometimes I read something out loud and it sounds completely wrong. That's when I know I did it wrong.
As for the content in this, you did a good job keeping the reader interested. I've found that some novels tend to have action in the beginning and then lose steam as they go along. You're doing a good job keeping up the action while going us information about the characters and their thoughts and feelings. I like the balance and it's working well for you.
I want to comment about the setting once again. I mentioned it in my review off chapter 4 and I'm going to point it out again. I'm not sure where exactly Devin is. I mean, I know he's at a night club, but wasn't he just banished? Weren't he and Aria in like, the middle of nowhere? Where did he find a night club? Is there a town nearby or did he go back to the place he was exiled from to see Mara? Again, just give more a sentence explaining the setting and I'll be content.
Overall this is a good chapter. I'm excited to see where this story goes!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Yeah, I tend to forget some pretty important details when writing. I shall definitely go back and fix those
I just looked back and it would seem that the italics from the original that I typed didn't show up here. I shall work on that.
Hi so imma review this!
First off I am loving this story. The concept is mystifying which is what I like.
The imagery is perfect along with the details.
I like the way that the dialogue from the characters can give off some of their personalities.
It just makes the story really fun to read.
Overall great job!
Keep up the great work and keep on writing. I want to know what happens next:)
-Frayer