Nightmares
Aria lay face up screaming at the top of her lungs. Her eyes wide with fear, staring at something that Derin could only imagine. This had happened many times before, she had woke in the middle of the night like this screaming. The first time Derin had been afraid, but as the nightmares appeared more and more he grew worried. Was this some unknown long term effect of the venom within her?
On nights like that he had held her close, shushing her back into a dreamless sleep, and then went to cry himself to sleep. Why did she have to go through this, seeing things that weren’t really there? It should have been him, whenever he closed his eyes guilt would overcome him and then greif, greif of the fact that he couldn’t save her, and guilt over the fact that he was only lying to himself.
"Aria, Aria! It’s okay, calm down, there’s nothing to be afraid of here, see, I’m with you.” Normally speaking in a calm, soothing voice was effective, but it didn’t seem to be working. Now tears streamed from Aria’s dark brown eyes, her scream turning to a wail. Firmly he grabbed her shoulders, tears starting to well in his eyes. Why did Aria have to suffer? Why couldn’t it be him?
* * *
The shrill cries of those fallen sounded all around. Pyrges buzzed with pure energy, tinged with a blood like glow. Explosions blinded her vision and a hand seized her ankle.
"Please, help me!” It was a little girl barely over seven years of age, it saddened Aria to see her. Battles between the clans were ruthless, all that resulted was endless slaughter, not even the youngest of Yuns were spared. This Yun in particular was in bad shape, one of her eyes was slashed through and beyond repair. Blood dripped from her mouth and her left leg was bent into odd angles, she would be crippled the rest of her life. Hastily Aria reached for the medicine and bandages in her supply pack despite the girl's enemy status.
"Aria watch yourself!” Blood spattered Aria’s face and a scream split the air. “Aria! What did you think you were doing helping this abomination?” Aria didn’t know how to react. Sadness, anger, confusion and frustration welled up within her.
"Lottie, what did you just do?” Lottie and Aria had known each other since they were Yuns, so why was she going around murdering innocent people?
"What do you mean what was I doing? I think the better question would be what were you thinking?” Her green eyes bore into Aria’s brown ones. Bombs detonated around them, dirt and rock spraying over the two.
"She was just a girl! Did you think she was going to kill me, did you even stop think that she couldn’t have done anything with her injuries?!”
The memory of the fight between her and Lottie played over and over again in her sleep, why was this happening? It was been years ago that Wavebreaker Cliff had been destroyed, so why was she remembering it years later? Oh yeah, because that's where she was.
* * *
Eventually Aria’s wailing lessened and Derin let out a sigh of relief. She was going to recover, this wasn’t permanent. Delicately he lifted Aria off the ground and carried her over somewhere safer and moved her hair out of her face. She might as well be comfortable when she woke up and he wasn’t there.End of chapter
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
This review is just gonna be random stuff I see along the way, and then a sum of it at the end.
This had happened many times before, she had woke in the middle of the night like this screaming.
You should have a semicolon instead a comma here.
tinged with a blood like glow
It should be blood-like.
This Yun in particular was in bad shape, one of her eyes was slashed through and beyond repair
You're missing another semicolon here, that should replace the comma.
and bandages in her supply pack despite the girl's enemy status.
There needs to be a comma after the word, pack.
"Aria watch yourself!” Blood spattered Aria’s face and a scream split the air. “Aria! What did you think you were doing helping this abomination?” Aria didn't know how to react. Sadness, anger, confusion and frustration welled up within her.
I think you should have a little more explanation as to what just happened. You have to read a couple more lines before knowing for sure that the girl was killed.
OK, this chapter is not on of your best. Not that it isn't good, but I think you could use a little more terror to Aria's dream. Sh doesn't seem scared enough to be having such a nightmare as you make it.
That's just a suggestion, it doesn't have to be done. I like Derin's care for Aria, you can see the really close bond they have for each other. Also this chapter tells more about their past, and also makes it more mysterious. Now I almost know less then I gained. We know she was at a battle at those cliffs, and yet now it adds more questions to what happened.
Keep it up!
Hi there!
This chapter is very good. I really like your use of a flashback here to explain what happened during the fight. Sometimes it's overwhelming to describe everything at once and flashbacks are an easy way to not bombard the reader with action all at once. And it was nice to see the softer side of Devin in this. You've shown this side of him before, but it's very apparent in this chapter.
ne thing I have to say about it though is that the whole fight with Lottie is a little unclear. I looked back at the other chapters and I didn't see a fight between either of these characters, so it's brand new information to us. And I can't tell if Lottie is the girl laying on the ground or not and when she attacked Aria. I would just clear that up a bit and then the flashback would work.
I like your use of a cliffhanger here. And especially since it's one like this, it really gets me to want to read the next chapter. I'm left wondering why on each Devin would leave after all that they've been through. He needs to stay and protect her!
One more little thing I want to point out: I'm not really sure where these two characters are. It's important in a novel to announce any change of setting. It could even be just a few sentences about their surroundings. As long as there's something you could tell the reader that would give them something to envision while reading.
Good job on this chapter! Alright, I'm off to read the next one!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks, I'll go back and try to clear things up as much as I can!
This first sentence could be reworded so it's not quite so confusing. I love how much Derin cares about his sister, the detail about him crying when she had her nightmares; it's so sweet! You probably shouldn't have two thats in a row, even if it makes perfect grammatical sense, because it just looks weird. Really good description of the battle scene; it just tore at my heart. I might slim down the dialogue if I were you, just because you have to remember they're still on a battle field, they don't have too much time for talking. You always have such great endings to your chapters; I'm always impatient to get on to the next one and now I'm sad, because there isn't a next one and I want to know why Derin won't be there when she wakes up! You'll have to message me if you get chapter five up or rewrite one of these because knowing me I'll probably forget to check.
Oh the poor little girl!
I shall do my best to remember as well! Glad you liked it, I have gone back and changed a couple things in the previous chapters so you can check some out again if you like!
So you know how people get really frustrated with predictive text? That's currently how I'm feeling because of that last line. What in the world does he mean by he's not going to be there? He should be there. They're exiles! They don't have anywhere else they can go. Personally, I feel like this is a poor use of foreshadowing, like you forgot to hide it. The key to foreshadowing is the ability to conceal it within the story, like having people sitting around a camp fire telling spooky stories, and one of them mirrors the main character's story closely. These types of things help prevent people from realizing the first time through, most of the time, that the story actually is foreshadowing. In Odysseus the foreshadowing was the story of Agamemnon, who was killed upon his return, but the trick there, is it didn't actually happen to Odysseus! That really made a huge twist in the story which was deliciously succulent. These types of tricks really help set up the story and keep readers interested.
A small comment that I just think you have to hear, panic attacks are much different than nightmares. I could not sleep through panic attacks, but nightmares are while you're asleep. Really, it sounds like your boy is going through more of a panic attack than the girl is, which makes your denotation of the girl having panic attacks, backwards. Panic attacks are different for most people, but I know that in most of them, you're awake.
Sorry, I didn't really know of a good way to say that, mind blank. I'll fix that to nightmares sometime soon, make things less muddier, maybe...
Heya! Reviewer here for, well, a review! Lemme give you a Chop-Up review!
When you say screech, it's like a pinched scream with a very annoying pitch. I think using the word screech makes Aria look like a banshee. It's cute, lemme say, and quite creative, but doesn't really fit. Try scream or another synonym
Grammar-wise, this is quite fitting, but the usage of the past perfect tense seems to drag the sentence, making it gluey and quite tedious to read. Just a simple past tense might do good on its own!
These lines are so dramatic I love it. I think I was reading it from a script from a Broadway play or something. The only problem here is giving too much. I mean, it's just the second paragraph and I think you revealed the main conflict already: seeing things that weren’t really there. The only goal of the readers now is to wait what those things are exactly. It's okay to reveal them from the start, but the narrator shouldn't be the one to show it. In this case, it's the narrator, so it kinda drags the suspenseful essence of the story away. Also, it's spelled 'grief'
Okay, this line is well-made. What I just wonder is why put it there in the third paragraph when it's so good? And it's a dramatic kinda line, so it should fit better where the action started, when she screamed at the top of her lungs. There shouldn't be words to intercede between the very beautiful moment, see.
It's too serious. I think it didn't fit the tone of the narrator. How about 'barely seven years old'?
I think it's too telly. If I imagine it, it was as if the narrator was a museum curator and is telling a fact about the yun. How about a simple: The Yun in front of them?
Hastily, an adverb, rightfully deserves a comma before the next word. I like the sense of this line, very sweet. It adds up to the character development. A lot. What I don't like is the part where you said 'being an enemy'. Don't you think it's too straight-up laid-down? It's too point-y, if you know what I mean. Try to poke the emotions. Maybe: despite she had a bad feeling about the girl or something. It's not that good, but at least it shows more of the character and less of the narrator.
Okay, so that's that! This chapter is beautiful. Even though there are things to be fixed and all, it was written beautifully, I like how the story goes and the character's are well-made. Good luck on your work and keep writing!
Your pal,
Al