Medicine
Years had passed since she had sat and watched the tides breaking against the cliff. She could remember it as if it were yesterday, and she was glad that she could. Times had changed, no longer did the tides crash majestically against the cliff, no longer did the cliff even stand. It had been obliterated years ago in a battle between clans.
Council meetings were no longer what they used to be, so full of life and adventure. Now all that ever happened was screaming and arguing over trivial things such as drugs and money. No one smiled though they were but kids, and no one laughed when even though it was greatly needed.
The council session seemed to drone on longer than usual; discussions of Spark supply and the next raid echoed through the halls of the run down meeting hall. Aria had never been so bored in her life, and to top it off her health wasn’t exactly at its best. Her medicine supply was running low and there was no way to renew it unless they stole, and with stealing came killing.
A girl walked up to the podium stationed in the middle of the room. Her dark blue hair accented her small and delicate frame. Mira, she was the representative of the Shaora Clan as Aria and Derin were from the Tigra. Aria yawned and rolled her eyes, she had nothing against Mira personally, it was just that she was a naturally boring person.
It was another few hours until the Council meeting finally came to an end. Bags hung from the eyes of Council members and drool from the mouths of others. Aria could feel her energy being drained, she needed to find Derin. She wouldn’t be able to stay on her feet much longer, the poison from the Gardill was draining her life force, if she didn’t get more drugs she would be dead by nightfall.
The room started to sway as Aria got to her feet. No! she couldn’t faint, not now when people were watching. Panic flashed through her thoughts. Vigorously she shook her head trying to clear her thoughts but it only made them hazier. She could barely feel herself falling before Derin caught her.
"Hey, are you feeling okay? You don’t look so good?” His eyebrows were knit in a look of utter concern. Should she tell him? No, it would break his heart, but her death would do him one worse. Slowly Derin supported her weight until he was sure that she could stand on her own.
"I need to talk to you,” Aria scanned the room looking to see if anyone might be listening in. “my medicine, I don’t have anymore of it.” Her voice was barely a whisper but the words struck him as if they had been a scream. His face fell.
"How long have you been out? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You could die Ary! Die, do you want me to have to live the rest of my life knowing that it's my fault you’re no longer with me?!” Derin’s voice was trembling, she looked away. It pained her to see her twin like this.
She shook her head in shame. “I’m sorry Derin, I wanted to tell you but there was no time that you were alone. The medicine, there’s been none for a while, I’m at my limit. If I don’t get it by tonight, well I don’t really know.” That was a lie, she did know but she didn’t want to admit it.
He sighed, all that pent up energy being released through a single breath. “Don’t worry, we’ll get the medicine at the raid tonight.” This caught her attention.
"What do you mean at the next raid? That’s illegal, if we put the raid at any chance of failure then we’ll be exiled for sure! We’ll have nowhere to go, no one to help us survive.”
"There’s no other way, I’ll do it tonight.”
End of chapter
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140,568 Literary Works • 673,443 Reviews
This is a great follow-up to your prologue. This story seems pretty interesting, but i have a few problems with it.
1. Why, if Aria is feeling so bad, is she at this meeting? And if she has to be their, I have a feeling that she would've told Derin before, no matter what. After all she is dying.
2. I think you should maybe give a little more info as to what's happening at the meeting, maybe make it seem a little longer. I know you don't want to bore the reader, but they should have a sens of Aria's boredom.
The rest was pretty good besides those two things.
Keep it up!
?_? I'm a little confused. You commented on Devil Touch and say you're going to chapter one, but this is a completely different story. @_@
I know, I also read the prologue for this, I just didn't comment on it. I'l get to Devil's Touch later.
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Something that struck me since my last review; is it possible for something to be fantasy and science fiction? I really have no idea; but I feel like they might contradict eachother a bit.
Now to the review.
The word 'cliff' is overused in the first paragraph.
I'm not a big fan of footnotes in fiction; it pulls the reader out of the world of the writing, sort of reminds them that they're reading a book.
I'm a bit confused: is this before or after the prologue? I'm assuming after since the cliffs aren't there anymore.
There's a lot of excitement in this chapter and I really like that, but you need to take a bit more time explaining things; like what is a gardilla beast, why are the tribes having a meeting if they were warring, why were the twins chosen to be on the council if they're just kids and such. Also, if they're the representatives for their tribe, why don't they have ANY money for needed cures? But don't worry; I don't think that'll be too hard to patch up and you've got a lot of writing talent; your voice is really coming through.
So overall, try writing things without your narrator's commentary. A narrator is simply someone saying what is actually going on, not someone who needs to comment on every little thing or explain. Let us figure out for ourselves that she's going to die if she doesn't get the medicine with the panic and the rampant thoughts. In other words, work less internally. Tell us what is going on, what we would be seeing if we were in her shoes, smelling, feeling. I don't know where they even are. I know they're at a council, but I don't know what the building looks like. If she's bored with the presenter, then what is she looking at? Is she focusing on the back of someone's head, aimlessly staring at the ceiling? I don't even know if they are sitting on wood blocks or in the forest, or in chairs. Give us something to see, smell, hear, taste, all of it! For instance, are they in an alley, or a building that smells of rank perfume? Keep these things in mind when you're filling space to help develop the story.
I'll try, sadly that isn't my strong point. Whenever I type I feel a little awkward, I shall work to become more comfortable.
Hi there!
This is a great continuation from the prologue. With this chapter, I feel like I really know your characters. I never imagined that Derin was Aria's twin. That's really cool. And I like your description of these meetings. Way to really drive home the fact that they're incredibly boring without just coming out and telling us that. You really described it well.
I have a few comments:
*I personally think 'death' works better than 'killing' here. Unless you mean that she would have to kill in order to steal, which I don't think you do. Besides, death is a much more powerful word and really drives the point home that stealing is out of the question.
*great description here! I could see everything playing out in my mind.
Overall, I really like this chapter. There's still a level of mystery in this which makes me want to keep reading. Awesome! Keep up the good work developing their characters. Remember that you can never really stop developing your characters. Keep putting them in strange or dire situations to reveal how strong, or not, they are. I can't wait to read the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I haven't read your prologue but wow this was great. The characters seem interesting and I find myself rooting for them to exceed. Now I just need to go read the prologue to find out more about this world they live in.
Keep up the great writing and I'm sure even more people will fall in love with this story.
Thank you, I sure hope more people will too.
This is just as good as the prologue, if not better
I love the way you write! just saying. Not once was I bored and I love the story line. It's very unique and I like how Aria and Derin are twins. I'm hooked! I really think you should keep writing more because I love it. I think it has great potential.
whew, thank you, I was so worried that people weren't going to like this one. I shall keep at it, hopefully the rest will be just as good. Hee hee!