I used to count weeks,
Now I count months.
Soon I'll count years,
And then we'll be gone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
This is short, but it does explain what a lot of people have gone through, in a way. I like the fact that on each line, another time frame goes by, and it becomes farther apart to the one who's lost or is being lost. In a way, I kind of needed this to reassure me that the person I loved will not come back, and that I need to stop thinking he will.
Thank you for writing this, and keep doing your best!
-Krissy
Hey Student,
this is quite a sad poem that I think a lot of people can relate to. I'd definitely consider extending it or maybe adding some more flowery language to it to take it to the next level. The concept is simple enough with the idea that a person used to think a little of this person who has left but it has grown into a longer and longer time, and they anticipate that they will continue until they're both dead. For me it doesn't quite have that poetic push, though I really appreciate the emotion/theme being expressed.
A slight note on punctuation - It seems like the first three lines are sort of repetitions, so I don't know if it makes sense to break them in half with a period in the second line. You might consider punctuating this way:
I think the most compelling aspect of the poem is probably the title, that definitely made me click the piece and want to know what was being said. You might want to try just free-writing on that subject to get more content and then fill in around what you already have.
Hopefully that gives you a few ideas!
Overall, this poem is very concise, and communicates a very clear emotional experience, I think it'd be great for expansion!
~alliyah
Hey, Alliyah! Thanks for the pointers. Eventually I'd like to try a more flowery, descriptive style and see if that is something I could incorporate into my current style. Much of what I write is off the top of my head, but maybe sitting down and reworking can improve the poem.
I will see if eventually I can elaborate on this story, either with short stories or more poems. Thank you!
Sad! @StudentAH
Your poem was short... But the feeling it expresses is strong. I have never had any such experience though, but I can understand what it must be like, to lose a loved one and then keep waiting for him/her to return, when you know it's not possible.
I can't really say, who you wish to be with, but I can comprehend, that the person you wait for, had once been really close to your heart, and maybe, still is. So I pray to God to help you meet your loved one and and be with him/her once more.
Whatever it is, I feel sorry for you and at the same time I admire your skill of expressing your feeling in words so limited and a manner so concise. You haven't written too much, but you have successfully delivered the message you aimed to!
I loved your work!
Thank you for this!!
Regards
Mahira
Mahira, thank you for the well wishes... that was very sweet of you and I am touched.
I am grateful that all of my readers are on this journey with me.
this was a glitch sorry
hey @StudentAH,
I am here with a review
I really love how u have written a short poem that is able to express the feelings completely
i know that waiting for someone be it your parents or someone you loved the most,
it really is hard to wait a long time for someone you cherish
but overall this is an amazing poem
Thank you <3
Hi! Although a short but a truly heartbreaking poem. The wait for someone kills and in the end when they pass into nothingness. Somewhere I have experienced this.
This filled my eyes with tears and just lead me into a nostalgia. This poem is very relatable. Personally I don't have any problem with length. These 4 lines were enough to explain and to leave a deep impact on the reader.
Good Job! Keep Writing
Happy RevMo
Ouch. The way you wrote that hits hard, man, because its so true.
I am glad I was able to make you feel so powerful but I hope I didn't hurt ya! XP
Thanks for reading.
No you didn't hurt me.
Hello there, @StudentAH! It's Gandalf the Pink-- I mean, Vilnius, here to review your work!
What I Like
I like how you've used a lot of emotion in just four lines. You've conveyed a very plain and important thought following a death/break up/loss.
What I Dislike
Length tends to be the only issues I have with short poems. That's the case here.
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
Hiii Gandalf the Pink -- I mean Vilnus. XD
Thanks for the review! I appreciate it. It was quite a short poem, and I want to work on fleshing things out in the future without losing meaning. Its funny... IRL, I'm super wordy -- like people get annoyed of how wordy I am.
But when it comes to poetry I'm often short and vague. That's my biggest flaw with my writing right now XP Even if you weren't saying it was a "flaw" so-to-speak, its definitely something that is present across all my works so far.
Hello StudentAH,
Though this poem is short, the message is there. A girl wondering how long the relationship will last. Counting down the days until they break apart. I feel like there could be more substance to the poem. Yes the message is there, but I couldn't feel or relate to her. I suggest trying to flesh out the idea further. What does she feel as the relationship drags on? What does she see in him? You can write some more questions if you want. Try help the reader connect with the poem. Also try make the reader become immersed in the poem, so much so that they don't want to stop reading it. Capture their attention! That goes to say, writing a short poem is totally fine. It can help bring a point across and to draw out certain emotions. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's your choice whether to flesh out your poem or not. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
Stellarjay
Stellarjay Thank you! This is great advice, and I find that my number 1 criticism is that I do not flesh things out or go into enough detail -- seriously that's like what almost everyone says, lol. Instead I keep things vague but almost to a fault. I will definitely try to dabble in that style going forward, sometimes I'm just too afraid!
I'm glad my review was helpful!
This comment is just a glitch so I went back and edited it to write this. I'm not even sure how this got here.
It's happened to me before, don't worry.