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I am binary pt. II

by StudentAH


One by one,

What's done is done.

I'm scarred deeply,



                          but I don't stare at my wounds.

 


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346 Reviews


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Sun Dec 06, 2020 8:01 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi StudentAH! I thought I'd return for part 2 of your poem to nudge it out of the green room, as well c:

I'm going to take the same approach as my previous review -> dividing it up into a couple of sections!


Suggestions: Continuity and meaning
To be quite honest, I'm not sure how this connects to part 1. In the last stanza of that poem you said:

We reasoned,

We concluded:

He's fluid,

And I'm binary.

which makes it sound like the two people, while they may have had their differences (and "contended"), came to a calm, reasonable conclusion about their differences with no hard feelings.
So then when in this poem the narrator says, "I'm scarred deeply", I'm pretty confused as to what scarred them. Did their relationship with the man scar them? On the one hand, that would make sense, since the previous part was about the man, but on the other hand, there's no indication that the relationship was scarring in any way.
I understand that you could be going for a vague, mysterious vibe - which I totally get, and that has its place, but right now it's on the verge of being so vague I that don't really know what's happening.
My main suggestion for this, I think, would be to add some anticipation for scars and wounds in the previous part - does the discussion between the two people about being fluid/binary turn aggressive? Does the "clarity" that the narrator seeks end up hurting them? Either that, or add a bit of explanation for the scars and wounds into this part of the poem.


Positives: Rhyming and formatting
Initially I was going to suggest you either cut out the rhyming scheme or have two (rather than just one) sets of rhyming couplets, but the more I looked at the poem, the more I changed my mind. I think that because of the way you offset the final line ("but I don't stare at my wounds"), it actually makes sense not to rhyme it with "deeply". The reader is expecting them to rhyme, and is also expecting the final line to stay aligned to the left, so when neither expectation is met, it has the effect of drawing a lot of attention to that final line. I hope that makes sense -> basically, the alignment and lack of rhyme causes that line to really stick out, but in a good way! So I think your choices re:rhyming and formatting ended up working quite well together.

And one final random thought I had while reading - I like your use of the phrase "one by one", as that fits in well with the theme of binary-ness.

Overall, this was an interesting sequel to the previous part. I don't have any huge suggestions for this part on its own, but I think there could - and probably should - be more continuity between the two parts. I hope this was helpful, and if you've got any questions or want clarification about anything I said feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatcha




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Fri Nov 20, 2020 1:02 am
Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hey StudentAH,
To be honest, I'm not a fan of reviewing poems. Due to the fact that each one has a different style, message and reason. So I won't be critiquing your style choice or the length, just the message. (At least my interpretation of it.)

my interpretation
Right off the bat I can tell that your poem has an entire story behind it, a much deeper meaning than the length may suggest. At first I was a little confused about what your poem was even about, but then it all clicked. The story behind the it is a sad one which may be difficult to talk about. (I think I know what the whole poem is talking about, but I don't know how to word it without being gross or offending anyone so I'm not gonna do that.)

Anyways, despite it being only 4 lines long it was nicely written and very good! The only line that confused me was this one.

but I don't stare at my wounds.


Or I might just be looking to much into it.

If you have any questions feel free to ask and I hope this review was helpful. Have a good rest of your day and keep on writing!
- Stellar




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Fri Oct 16, 2020 5:28 am
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ChrisCalaid says...



Hola!
Here for a quick review! I really love this poem and would love to read more of it! It's a beautiful poem and it's quite mysterious as well. And of all, well written.

Thank you for sharing this!

Your Reviewer,
ChrisDixon





An Angel who did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards.
— Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens