Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Health

16+ Violence

I want blood

by StudentAH


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

I want blood
or something like it.
But I have no red paint,
and I sold my tablet.

I want blood;
I'm so curious.
I saw my sister
cut herself and let the blood come out.

I wish I knew how to do that,
but I'm too much of a coward.

I want blood;
It would be just like cutting raw chicken.
But I'm afraid I'd cut too deep.

I want blood:
I want to see it ooze from my forearm.
But I don't like that it will hurt
after I cut.

I want blood
or something like it.
So this,
this here,
is my blood.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 227
Reviews: 2

Donate
Mon May 18, 2020 6:30 pm
rudrAbhinav wrote a review...



Hi there!

I liked the feel of the poem. Short and crisp with no beating around the bush. You have left a reasonable amount of gaps which is a key factor when one writes horror. It was an excellent use of the readers mind as they get to paint the blank areas with their own fears.

I have a few suggestions which I think would have been better, a few bits. Instead of cutting raw chicken, if you'd have used 'live', I think it would give it a more gory feel. Also the first paragraph could have been a bit stronger to be able to support the heights that the poem reaches as it progresses.

Great read on a Monday midnight. Keep writing!




User avatar


Points: 161
Reviews: 3

Donate
Wed Mar 25, 2020 11:04 am
CaptainCannon wrote a review...



An extremely dark and intense poem.It describes beautifully the struggles of a depressed person.The second stanza shows how depression is only fuelled by negative thoughts and experiences around you.The violence totally made my blood run cold.The poem describes, in scary and dark tones, the struggles of the mind and how it is compelled to do some things out of curiosity,despite all its fears and hesitations.




StudentAH says...


Thank you for reading, and thank you for the review.

Poetry is my way of getting feelings out that I cannot put into words, and it makes me happy to hear people read my feelings and understand me, sometimes better than I can understand myself at the time.



User avatar
167 Reviews


Points: 3680
Reviews: 167

Donate
Mon Mar 23, 2020 6:44 pm
JesseWrites says...



Oh my. That is very dark. It was so intense. Your poem was full of emotion and feeling. I never read anything like that. The violence was done tastefully. That is something I never thought I'd type up before, but you deserve it. I am speechless. I made my husband read it. He agreed with me.

I hope you write more like this. Thank you

~S.M.Locke~




StudentAH says...


Oh, golly! Thank you. I'm flattered. I wrote it in the spur of the moment: When my feelings were so intense. I guess it really shows.

However, next time I may spill this out onto a draft document instead and revise it to be a little more poetic next time.

But its great that I was able to capture my raw feelings in such a moment. I'm glad it touched you in a unique way.



User avatar
167 Reviews


Points: 3680
Reviews: 167

Donate
Mon Mar 23, 2020 6:43 pm
JesseWrites wrote a review...



Oh my. That is very dark. It was so intense. Your poem was full of emotion and feeling. I never read anything like that. The violence was done tastefully. That is something I never thought I'd type up before, but you deserve it. I am speechless. I made my husband read it. He agreed with me.

I hope you write more like this. Thank you

~S.M.Locke~




User avatar
104 Reviews


Points: 4640
Reviews: 104

Donate
Mon Mar 23, 2020 5:57 pm
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hey there!

This was really an intense poem. There is so much emotions coming out of your writing and it's so relatable. I myself am going through a very disturbing phase from a very long time and this poem really gives picture of someone going through depression or any other mental illness.
The refraining line "I want blood" is creating rhythm as well as emphasizing the idea.

I want to see it ooze from my forearm.
But I don't like that it will hurt

You know that the consequences of your actions are going to hurt you and there's an internal conflict going on within you about what is wrong or right.

Throughout your poem I could feel emotions of pain and despair coming out. The last stanza really hit hard. Amazing expression of feelings in your poem.

keep writing!




StudentAH says...


Thank you so much. I am surprised at how many of you guys are able to sense the intensity that I was feeling.

I'm sorry that you are going through a similar thing. But as a human being talking to another human being, you are loved. I love you, as I love all people!

Stay strong, and keep yourself afloat. We are here for you, and you can always write great poetry to keep your mind off of the pain. :)



Hkumar says...


Thanks <3



User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 243
Reviews: 21

Donate
Mon Mar 23, 2020 10:12 am
Tanishka wrote a review...



Hi , Theia here.

First up - this was an amazing poem. I have never, ever, EVER seen anything like this before. "I want blood" , it is really unique. I think that you are trying to tell a story and you have been really honest with the theme.
I think you could make it sound a bit more consistent and poetic . Your style is amazing , still ,I think it could be a more smooth, add some flow to it. My personal favorite line was
" So this,
this here ,
is my blood."
It is truly an intriguing line. Thank you for putting up this truly amazing piece.One more thing you might work a bit on the punctuation, it will make this even more beautiful. Keep up with your amazing work.

I hope this helps :) .




StudentAH says...


Oh, my, I'm flattered! Thank you.

Yes, my punctuation here was kind of a struggle. I have an obsession with colons and semicolons. I hadn't realized it could be distracting.

Also, I agree with the idea that I could definitely work on beautifying my poetry a bit more. I tend to ignore that aspect of poetry but its something I should probably tackle.



Tanishka says...


NP! Sometimes I too struggle with punctuation



User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 3388
Reviews: 26

Donate
Sun Mar 22, 2020 7:46 pm
View Likes
mckaylaam wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here for a brief review of your poem.

The first thing I noticed is that there is some inconsistency with the first lines of each stanza. You'll write "I want blood" and immediately insert a semicolon, as seen in the second and fourth stanzas, but then the fifth stanza uses a regular colon and the other stanzas don't have either one. This wasn't particularly distracting, but it makes me wonder if this was intentional or not.

I also thought it was interesting how the third stanza starts out differently compared to the others and somewhat draws a line (a thin line) between our desires and our wishes - one may originate from the heart and the other from the mind.

A final thing I'd like to point out is that I really like the ending. I may be interpreting this completely incorrectly, but to me when you write "So this, this here, is my blood", this to me sounds like the narrator is bleeding but not in a literal sense. The telling of this story and the revealing of the narrator's personal thoughts is their way of bleeding and meeting that need for blood.

Overall, I liked this short piece and I could definitely relate to this on a personal level. Keep up with the great writing!




StudentAH says...


About the colons and semicolons: it was intentional and it was almost a way for me to vary up the punctuation. Each "I want blood" is the same sentence, but feels a little different. That being said, I have an OBSESSION with colons and semicolons.

And yes, you are correct about the ending! And the middle stanza as well. I couldn't have said it better myself, hence why I could only write it in poetry ^_^ Sometimes, I have so much trouble communicating my thoughts that I rely on others to interpret them for me through poetry or art. Then I can re-absorb those interpretations.

I'm sorry to hear that you relate to this on a personal level. But I guess that makes two, since I read your poem and related to it.

Thank you for reading, and thanks for the review.



mckaylaam says...


Ah okay, that's neat! The variation in the punctuation definitely makes the sentences feel different from each other. I'm glad that I'm on the same page as you about the middle and ending! And I definitely understand the part about re-absorbing those interpretations; often I'll write something that communicates my feelings and it isn't until somebody expands on that thought or idea that it becomes easier to discuss, if that makes sense.

It was a pleasure to read and review your poem, and I look forward to reading more from you in the future! :)



StudentAH says...


That makes total sense and was basically what I was tryna say. Haha. This is why communicating with others is great -- we can use their responses as a template for our own. At least, that's what I tend to do.

And, you as well! <3




cron
Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Jack Sparrow