I will write it in my blood for you,
I'll ingrain it in my brain,
I can live a lie for you,
Even if I should be ashamed.
Nobody has to know
my little secret.
So, I'm crazy.
Let me keep it.
If I must go on a journey,
no one needs to know
why I'm doing it
or what it's for.
It is my only hope,
this secret of mine;
it's the only thing
that keeps me alive.
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139,687 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Hey, there! Nice poem! It is well-written, and the rhyme scheme is consistent. I realize that non-rhyming poetry is popular, but I always like to see a good rhyming poem.
I like the determination you show in the narrator. The ambition and dedication flow through this whole piece. I like how the narrator isn't worried about being judged for their secret.
Your punctuation, grammar, and spelling are pretty good! I really enjoyed this piece. Great job!
Hello! I really loved this poem. It rhymes nearly perfectly, there was one or two mistakes. I loved how realistic this poem was, the narrator's mentality and such. Your grammar, punctuation, and spelling was close to perfect as well, just a few mistakes. The first line of the first paragraph, "It is my only hope," sounds a bit off because you have been using "it's" the whole poem and then you use "it is". That is my only complaint. Otherwise, it was wonderful. Keep on writing and Merry (early) Christmas!
Ah. I interchange between it's and it is because I feel that when it is read aloud, I need an extra syllable in the lines that have "it is."
Also, the it is sentences are a bit more emphasized and dramatic. Overall it was kind of natural for me to switch off between the two.
I would like to know what other mistakes you found so that I can improve!
Hello StudentAH!
Just know that I never mean to be rude or critical, and you can take my suggestions or you can't! I am in this to help you!
Suggestions
This is a good opening stanza because it hooks the audience in, and it leaves some mystery to get us to continue to read. One thing I will say is the "I'll stain it in my brain" line feels kind of weak? I am not sure if it is the word "stain" because it is unlikely to stain something into ones' brain. I would suggest switching "stain" out for the word "ingrain" because it still fits your rhyme scheme and gives a better image.
I feel like your poem would benefit from making the a question and answer. like "So what? I'm crazy." It's nothing major, but I feel like it fits the narrator's mentality.
This is a wonderful and strong ending to your poem. It doesn't leave us wondering and it makes the poem feel finished, but there's still a tad of the unknown, which I find really nice. Well done here.
Overall
This is a wonderful poem and I love that you did keep a traditional rhyme scheme, but some very close rhymes. I am no sure if that was intentional, but I love that it's non-traditional. Ultimately, I really enjoyed reading this poem and well done.
Happy Writing,
SBG
Thank you so much, I also felt weird about the whole "staim it in my brain" thing. It's like, I literally meant that I would "stain" my statement on the actual "noodles" of my brain, but I didn't really know how to say that. The speaker doesn't need to "ingrain" it in her brain because she already knows it. Rather, she wants to leave a physical evidence of the secret, like writing in blood, or writing it somewhere.
it is very strange that I had the image of someone literally staining it or writing it on the "noodles" of their brain -- when I watched an episode of adventure Time, Princess Bubblegum was literally erasing formulas that were etched in on the noodles of her specimens brains. I kind of got it from there.
But, I agree. I had no other way to say this idea, and I think that that line was weak as well.
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Same with the whole "so, I'm crazy" line. Looking back and reading it, I feel like "So what if I'm crazy" fits the flow.
Darn it, I can't find a way to edit this. I'm annoyed because in the last line, it should be it's.
edit: nvmd I got it.