The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 6

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

July 8, 2017
Novel / Chapter: Fantasy, Action / Adventure
7 comments (7 reviews)

The long days of travel were mostly uneventful, and it seemed to Asha that silence began to swell between her and Yuni like a festering boil. Asha had declined to speak to Yuni barring those unavoidable contacts, and Yuni seemed content to spend the days living inside her own head, happy to let Asha take the lead.

Asha let the questions fester inside her throat, begging to be let out to no avail. In that heavy, aching silence, Asha built up dirt walls to surround their campfire for the night, the way she had learned when she was a little girl. When she was finished, Yuni dumped the dead twigs and sticks she had gathered into the center. She stood back as Asha closed her eyes and clasped her hands together.

Sensing the life force within the tiny blades of grass beneath and around her, she squeezed her hands together tighter and pulled, guiding the energy inside her body. Giving the smallest of pushes to the energy that bubbled in her chest, she heard the tiniest of breaths: she had lit the fire.

All of this had happened in a split second, but it still felt just as long to her as it had when she had first learned how to do it. She opened her eyes and stood, a small circle of dead grass crunching beneath her feet, only six inches in diameter.

Asha looked at Yuni's eyes; they danced and flickered like the fire reflected in them. Yuni glanced up, those eyes crinkling into a smile as they met Asha's. Feeling almost ashamed, she turned away. How could Yuni still be so happy with Asha? It was unnerving to find that no matter how rude and dismissive she was toward Yuni, she would always meet Asha with a genuine smile.

Yuni sat down a few feet in front of the fire and opened her bag, pulling out some of the dried meat they had bought a few days ago. “Are you hungry?” she asked, unwrapping the food.

Asha’s mouth opened and the words that had been fluttering against her closed lips came bubbling out, "What's wrong with you?" Asha shouted, uncaring of who could hear. Her voice echoed throughout the treeless plain, rattling around in the dark. Those ugly words hung in the air, silence booming around the pair for only a second before the rest came tumbling from Asha's lips. "You swoop in like some white knight to save the damsel in distress, but after that one night, you're happy to let me lead you around like a docile lamb!"

Yuni's eyes, glowing in the firelight, glossed over, and she looked away, refusing to look at Asha. "When I was young," she began, her voice trembling like a leaf in the wind. "I always dreamed of going away on some grand adventure. I wanted to be someone more important than the emperor's third daughter. I wanted to do something that mattered. When I saw you being taken away for doing something brave, I saw my chance for adventure." She blinked and a tear rolled down her cheek, glinting in the meager light from the fire. "It seems that now that I am involved in an adventure, I do not know what to do with myself." She barked out a short, hoarse laugh and turned away from Asha.

Asha, still standing, stared in stunned silence. Curled into herself, Yuni's shoulders shook with quiet, choked sobs. Grass crunched beneath Asha's feet as she found herself walking over to Yuni's hunched form. Crouching down, Asha placed a hand on Yuni's shoulder.

A small hand swatted at Asha, but against all instincts, she pulled the shaking girl closer. Yuni turned toward Asha and buried her face into Asha's shoulder, her tears soaking into the fabric. Carefully, Asha maneuvered herself into a sitting position, Yuni almost in her lap.

It seemed like hours before Yuni's sobs quieted to ragged breathing and then the deep, rattling breaths of sleep. Exhausted herself, Asha laid down on the grass next to the dying fire, Yuni still on top of her, and went to sleep.

-------

I just want to say that the chapters for this aren't going to make a lot of sense. I've gotten tired of trying to figure them out, so the chapters posted here aren't necessarily going to be the way the finished product is chaptered. With that said, some chapters are going to be super short, some might be fairly long.

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Thu Jul 05, 2018 6:43 pm

Shady wrote a review...

Hey inktopus,

You already know what I'm going to say in terms of an introduction, so let's just skip that altogether, shall we? Okay. So getting started...

The long days of travel were mostly uneventful, and it seemed to Asha that silence began to swell between her and Yuni like a festering boil. Asha had declined to speak to Yuni barring those unavoidable contacts, and Yuni seemed content to spend the days living inside her own head, happy to let Asha take the lead.

Wait, what? What happened? At the end of the last chapter they seemed to be off on a pretty good foot with an amicable relationship. And now suddenly they're barely speaking to each other and traveling in a tense silence? What happened between then and now? This is a shocking way to start this chapter, and not in a good way.

It was unnerving to find that no matter how rude and dismissive she was toward Yuni, she would always meet Asha with a genuine smile.

Why in the world is Asha being so mean to poor Yuni? Yuni literally saved her life, and now Asha is just being a complete jerk towards her. It doesn't make sense.

~ ~ ~

Not going to lie, this chapter isn't my favorite. I think the sentiment is good -- but it just feels extremely... rushed? Like I felt disoriented being thrown into such high strung tempers so suddenly, with no build up to why this explosion happened. And then Yuni's reason was a bit of a cliche as well.

I would recommend taking time to slow this chapter down and really work on exploring the emotions going on and the build up to them. No one has such an explosion all at once -- usually it's hours and days and weeks of irritation that people bottle up and up and up until suddenly bam explosion.

Plus this chapter is extremely short. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if this review ends up being longer than this chapter is, which is... meh. I read your author's note about this not being the final product which is well and all, but I would recommend you do your best on your chapters before you post them. That will get you the best help.

I mean if you post a chapter you're already not planning on using, what's the point? If you post a chapter that you genuinely worked at, then we can help you improve it beyond what you can currently do -- and then when you go around with revisions it'll be even better. But if you start with a half-hearted attempt, then it's harder for your reviewers to give helpful critiques.

Anyway, since this chapter is soooo short you have tons and tons of room to slow this down and really work on exploring the relationship between the girls and the tense emotions that lead up to this point -- which I think would be the main thing that would significantly improve this chapter at this point.

However, just let me mention that I really like your description of magic. I really enjoyed getting to see the magic in use, and also get a better understanding of how magic works in your universe. I mean there are a ton of ways for magic to play out -- so getting to see first-hand how magic works in your world is a definite strength of this chapter.

Sorry if that was overly critical -- just my thoughts on this chapter.

Keep writing!

~Shady

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Sun Jul 01, 2018 4:45 am

deleted221222 wrote a review...

Hi, I'm Thundahguy. Let’s just leave it at that.

I like the larger emphasis on Asha’s emotions. It’s a well needed change from the previous chapters. She seems to be reflecting the same things I’ve been thinking while reading this.

The use of magic is interesting. The way it was so blatantly explained in chapter 2 bothered me a bit. If you described it like you do in this chapter, with a live demonstration, it would both explain how magic works while also letting the story flow smoother.

We finally get an answer as to why Yuni saved Asha. Though it was brought up very abruptly, it offered some deeply needed insight into her motivations. Despite it not being as selfless as one would expect, it seems realistic in the confines of the story. Her anxiousness about finally going on an adventure is also conveyed well.

Overall, it’s a really good chapter. Maybe even your best, even though it's short. This’ll be the last review for the night, but I’ll try to review as much as I can tomorrow.

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Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:18 am

Brigadier wrote a review...

"What's wrong with you?"

1. This was the point when I actually started to pay attention what was going on in the chapter because before that it was just some lengths of journey and a mild explanation of her magic. I knew that eventually Asha would ask something along these lines but I didn't know if she was going to outright do it like this or not. She did. For the most part I like this but it triggers three possible scenarios of how Yuni acts, so it's a bit unpredictable for the reader.
- She explains herself.
- They fight and she eventually explains herself.
- They fight, she doesn't explain herself, and they split up.
Actually there's a 4th now that I think about it but it wouldn't make too much sense considering the plot in hand.
2. So it still wasn't like a full explanation but at least now I know why she was the council meeting and what kind of pull she had within the government. Also means that everyone is going to be out looking for her because she is royalty so even worse news for the duo. As a reader, I am getting scared for the characters' well being.

I can certainly see their relationship getting tighter at this point even though we're barely onto Chapter 5. It was some very tender interactions that led me to hold this chapter higher than the rest of them so far, even though I still have some dislikes. It sped through this whole possible plot line rather quickly and didn't give the reader much time to think about the explanation. Or give anymore explanation which would have been nice tbh instead of the basic "I wanted an adventure." There's a difference between an adventure and saving the world so this kind of just put me off.

I'll probably be back later.

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Sun Aug 27, 2017 6:25 pm

PastelSlushie wrote a review...

Hello again, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for a review for Team Autumn on this lovely Review Day. Let's get right into it!

Despite this chapter's short length, you managed to show so much emotion through each word. The complete silence, Asha's lashing, and Yuni's breakdown, it was all worded wonderfully and smoothly. Each chapter slowly and slowly shows Asha and Yuni's closeness a bit more.

I feel describing the scene in this chapter would've been unnecessary, as I've seen in a reply to another review, the scene was just a grassland. Not much to describe about it, am I right?

The beginning of this chapter brung a nice imagery to the table. It makes a nice image of the emotion that will be featured later in the chapter.

I feel the emotion fills the gaps in this chapter where the action is lacking. I prefer chapters like this because the action in every chapter can become bland and even boring. The sudden change from action to emotion was really something I didn't expect to happen, and it caught me by surprise. Great job on that part.

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.

Pastel

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Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:17 pm

CocoaCat wrote a review...

Hey, it's your girl Leafpool here (trying to catch up on your novel; I've been incredibly lazy) with a review.
A pretty short chapter, but still pretty good.
Yuni really seemed to be in charge in the beginning but now she seems so overwhelmed, poor thing.
"Asha's mouth opened and the words that had been fluttering against her lips came bubbling out."
I feel like "bubbling" isn't the best word for that sentence. Maybe you should have used something like "flowing" or "rushing" or something along those lines.
Over all it was a pretty good chapter (if a little short).
Anyway, that's it.
Keep writing!

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Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:09 pm

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jamgalloway wrote a review...

Hey, there! This was pretty short so I figured I'd do a review on it even though I haven't read any of the other parts of the story.

This was written really well. I particularly like the first line. The only couple things I have to point out about that are, for one, this line:

Asha’s mouth opened and the words that had been fluttering against her closed lips came bubbling out, "What's wrong with you?" Asha shouted, uncaring of who could hear.

I don't know if you meant for there to be a period after "bubbling out" or something else, but right now it's like there's two speaker tags connected to that dialogue. I also thought Yuni's use of the word adventure toward the end was odd, but what do I know, I haven't read the rest so maybe they are on an adventure. Also, acknowledging that I haven't read the rest so maybe this'll make more sense if I had, I have to point out that being an emperor's third daughter is not a small thing. I mean, even if she doesn't really have any power to change things, she does have much more influence on her father/mother than the majority of people, so that's something, right? But, like I said, I haven't read earlier parts, so maybe they have a weird relationship or something. Otherwise I would think that she would at least have the power of influence on her father.

The only other little nit-pick I have is maybe have a little bit more description of the setting? (I almost always forget to describe the setting myself so even now you're doing better than I am, but it could be a little better.) Like, all I know is there's grass and Asha has started a little campfire. Of course, if this was written in the part before this then just ignore me, but if not, are they in the woods? That's what I'm guessing, but I don't know. So yeah, maybe some more detail on that.

As for the characters, I'm guessing this is a scene where they're supposed to grow a bit closer to each other, and if that was your goal, then I think you did a god job. They didn't get too open with each other too fast, but there was a little bit of progress with them, which I thought was the perfect amount. Asha still doesn't seem to necessarily *want* her there, but I think she cares just a *little* bit more for Yuni now.

So, that's about all I have to say. Basically just a couple small things I pointed out; otherwise, this was really good. If you need any help, want me to review something, just want to talk, etc., etc., just let me know and I'd be happy to. Good job and good luck continuing!

inktopus says...

Thanks for the review! About the setting: I've never been great about describing the setting when it isn't significant to setting the mood or is important to the plot. Not to mention that I was just imagining a grassland, so there's not much to describe other than "there was lots of grass, and if you're really lucky, you might get to see a tree." I'll try to work on setting the scene better though.

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Sat Jul 08, 2017 8:23 pm

ExOmelas wrote a review...

Hey, finally got round to this

Nit-picks and nice moments:

The long days of travel were mostly uneventful, and it seemed to Asha that silence began to swell between her and Yuni like a festering boil. Asha had declined to speak to Yuni barring those unavoidable contacts

So I really like the first sentence here. It's a really interesting image to get both the gradualness and the unpleasantness across. However, the second bit makes it seem like Asha was doing this on purpose, which makes me wonder why she's so unhappy about it (the impression I got from the image). Maybe she just started out not wanting to talk to Yuni, but unsure how to get conversation going again now?

Giving the smallest of pushes to the energy that bubbled in her chest, she heard the tiniest of breaths:

"the smallest" and "the tiniest" is a bit repetitive.

It was unnerving to find that no matter how rude and dismissive she was toward Yuni, she would always meet Asha with a genuine smile.

That's a really interesting problem. Feels like a mix of guilt and confusion that's quite fresh.

When I saw you being taken away for doing something brave, I saw my chance for adventure.

I'm not certain if adventure is the right word. Like, they're fighting for what's right. I'd think of adventure as going out to find treasure, or battle a monster or something. Bear in mind I've been playing DnD all day though

Adventure probably works though, like that's pernickety even for a nit-pick.

she pulled the shaking girl closer.

I think I might be unsure on Yuni's age, but it might be because I started out thinking she was old enough to have earned some position of power to be at that dinner, but now that I think about the fact that she's a noble that could easily not be the case.

Overall:

Character: I really enjoyed the feels you mentioned. For such a short chapter you put a lot of different thoughts and feelings in. The oppressive silence, Asha's feelings about magic, Yuni's reasoning. And none of it really felt that unresolved. As in, none of these were resolved because you moved on from each, but none were given particular emphasis as far as I could tell so it felt like a natural progression.

Setting: A bit more might be helpful. The jeopardy felt kind of lost here, so just reminding me that they're being searched for (or not, I'm not actually sure if they would expect the baddies to have given up) would be useful. Although, this could be because I'm reading these so far apart. Still, chapters do tend to feel a bit separate from each other, so probably still at least a bit useful.

Plot: I don't think you need to worry about lack of stuff happening. There is plenty of emotional stuff and that can often be even more exciting than action, at least for me. I think it ends at a good point though, the sort of fear, but being together in fear is really sweet and powerful. So I think getting them up and having them magic away would be a bit out of tone at the moment.

You're also building up their closeness at a good rate.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits

inktopus says...

I'm glad the emotional stuff seems all on track. Though I'm worried about pacing and all that, I think it will be less of a chore to add in later. I think what I'll do is go with the magic away bit, but if it turns out that something in between is needed, I can fix that in a later draft.

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The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 6

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