Young Writers Society

Hey inktopus,

Shady here with another review for you! Slowly but surely, eh? Let's get started...

Asha struggled not to speak, but rage bubbled beneath the surface. Human familiars? Who would be so twisted to even consider such a thing?

The High Mage peered down the table at Asha, “What say you, Mage Balewa? Would you be willing to assist us in this endeavor?”

“I will not help you in this business endeavor. I am firmly against the use of any animal to aid in the practicing of magic. It is wrong. It is even more wrong to subject sentient beings to the same fate as those animals you call familiars!

“I think we have our first familiar.”

She was pulled down the hall and down a flight of stone stairs without any regard to her whatsoever.

Glaring up at him from her place on the cold, stone floor, she pounded her fists on the floor.

Hi, I'm Thundahguy, here three for three. Let's skip the awkward introduction and get into this, shall we?

So, the first thing I want to point out is how short and fast paced this chapter is. It's hard to maintain the atmosphere with how quickly things happen. My suggestion would be to add the first half of this chapter to the end of the last and expand on the second half.

The return of passionate Asha. Her thoughts and emotions match the first chapter, though her actions seem a little less reserved. Her sudden outburst and refusal seems a bit generic, especially with how preachy it seems to be. I know we're talking about how bad slave trafficking is, but the way she says it makes it seem like she's trying to teach people who don't know they're doing a bad thing. Have her speech be more personal to her. It'll help drive her point home to the audience.

There's also how the other nobles speak. While yes, they're bad, they seem to be talking in the most cliched way possible. If they don't believe they're doing something bad, then there should be a hint of that in their voice.

The second half of the chapter is more fast paced than the first. Heck, a few hours pass in the span of a single paragraph. You try to get a more pained and serious emotion out of Asha, but it doesn't come off as such when it passes so quickly. The description you use is good. What would help is if there was more of it. Spend some more time on this scene so you can properly convey the emotion Asha is going through.

Besides the awkward pacing and dialogue, your story is starting to shape up. Just changing the problems I listed will help elevate this chapter immensely.

Okay yeah so magical racism and assumption that people from the Southern colony are below them. Perfect way to start off the evening. Controversial topics with a side of cheese and a glass of chardonnay.

I'll have to be honest with you Storm, by saying that some parts of this are pretty predictable and kinda overused so far. I started to go into some of this in the previous review but I see it picking up here, at the point where Asha was thrown in jail. I expect here to escape, by the help of the one she called 'Moonface'. If I'm wrong about that plot detail working out, I think I'll be very surprised. And really this plot design is hard to avoid and it does keep the reader's attention, the main goal you're going for here. I still like it in a way but the dips into meh are happening a bit too often for me to have a full interest in it.

*tabs down a few lines*

Aha. I was right. The descriptions are getting pretty good at this point and that's really what's keeping my attention now. Like I can see the blood and visual the scenes better now, so it's makes it easier to adapt to the storyline. The last little bit hooks me in, which is nice and now I really want to see these two characters interacting. I would have made it to the next chapter just based on what you've told me on discord.

Okay I have nothing else.
This might be good night.

Hello again, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for a review from Team Autumn on this lovely Review Day. Let's get right into it!

The one thing that really needs to be pointed out is how fast everything happens in this chapter. I feel, if I were writing this, to slow the chapter down quite a bit and then end it with her going in the dungeon. I feel her escaping could be introduced in the next or a more later chapter, and then switch point of views with another character in the mean time.

Another thing I have a problem with is the length of this chapter. It reminds me of a short story instead of a chapter book. It really contrasts to the length of the previous two chapters, especially chapter two, being the longest out of the three I have read so far.

Everything here seems rushed in this chapter. It is paced incredibly fast, which contrasts greatly to the previous two chapters, and you don't really go into depth within the scenes and conversations between the characters. My one suggestion would be to slow things down, and maybe include her being freed in a later chapter.

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.

Pastel

Hey Stormcloud, it's your girl Caitlin; coming at you with a review.
Again, just going to write comments as I read. Let's do this!
“We’ve never welcomed them here before? Why would they have reason to believe that we want them here now?” The question mark isn't really needed here, but the prince has a very good point.
"As she stood, her chair was thrust back, making a hideous scraping noise against the floor. “No,” she began." STOP...
"Asha felt thick hands grab her arms, and she was pulled away from the table." too late...
"Take her to the dungeon.” He turned to his audience, sitting at the table. “I think we have our first familiar.” Knew it. Gosh darn it!
"She saw the woman she called Moon Face ease the door open, clearly fearful of the squeak it was sure to make. Long, thick hair sluiced down her back, black as a raven's’ feathers. Their eyes met. “Follow me," Well this is awkward; you snap at here one minute and the next minute you're lying on the floor of a cell with bloodied hands and she's going to help you.
Wait, it's over? To the next chapter!
(Again, LOVED the chapter, keep writing!)

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

So I noticed that you've been mentioning that this hasn't gotten out of the Green Room yet, so I thought I might go ahead and jump in for a review about now. I admit I haven't read the previous chapters, though hopefully I won't butcher this review because of that. I found it a little odd that this is a whole chapter? I guess if you're going for shorter chapters, that makes sense, though there isn't a lot that goes on here. We see that Asha is free by the end of the chapter, which is something, though it feels a little quick.

That's the problem that I have here, and it's in particular with the pacing--it's a little too quick for me to be able to get a real taste for the characters or the dialogue that goes on between them. I want to see a bit more fleshing out. A bit more development and slowing down for this chapter to make it less gradual and all in a single motion.

This chapter is a blade in how it's sharp and ends up to the point, though there's a sacrifice that comes with writing content that is more skeletal. What I mean by this is that while it's very straightforward and doesn't play around much with filler, that means there's not going to be as much building up of the characters, at least not that much this early on.

I have to say though that this chapter interested me overall and for that I might have to go back and read the previous ones, since I've found your writing to be a little different from what I usually read. It's in a way similar to another person on the site that I've read who also usually writes in a faster pace. The end of this is strong enough. I wish we could've gotten a little bit more though on how Asha felt on being free, though you're strong with using minimalism too, which is holding off on giving those extra details and letting it be as it is.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Heyyyy,

Nit-picks:

Asha struggled not to speak

“They don’t know any different! They’re animals. They may be the same species as us, but we are clearly superior. Look at what we have attained!”

The prince chuckled as well.” You have a point,” he said.

Asha’s face burned, but her dark skin concealed the flush well.

“I think that would work well,” she decided.