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Young Writers Society


16+

The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 14

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Asha did not awake quickly. She drifted in and out of consciousness as blurry shapes and colors danced before her eyes.

When Asha woke up, she was hungry, somehow tired, and unable to move. Groaning, she opened one eye. Light pierced it like an arrow and she hurriedly closed it.

She lay there for a couple of minutes, trying to bring back the will to open her eyes again. How was she this tired? She felt like she had been asleep for a year. Her stomach growled, and she finally peeked one eye open. The bright light dazzled her vision, but she adjusted quickly.

After her eyes adjusted, her senses began to come back to her. The blanket she was laying on was very soft against her skin, fur probably. Craning her neck, she could see that the blanket that was covering her was actually her cloak.

Above her was rock, and the walls seemed to be stone as well. There was a wide opening, leading outside. Tall green grasses and cloudless blue skies stretched for what seemed to be miles.

Her stomach growled again; Asha was starving. So hungry she felt almost sick. Her limbs felt like deflated balloons, and they were about as strong too. With a grunt, she laboriously managed to pull herself into a sitting position.

She exhaled noisily and smacked her lips, tongue like a lead weight in her mouth. Everything felt like it was coated in a layer of bad tasting mucus. This had to have been the worst case of morning breath in Asha’s entire life. Leaning forward, she massaged her temples with the tips of her fingers.

Where was she?

The question hit her like a brick wall. Her mind supplied the answer like a geyser, spraying the information from deep inside. She teleported. With Yuni. But where was Yuni?

Her mind raced a mile a minute. Had she left her behind? Asha pinched her palm, bringing her worried thoughts to a halt. She was in a makeshift bed, in a cave. Clearly Yuni had taken care of her after she had blacked out. Reaching a hand upward, she gingerly patted her head. It was bandaged, and she felt no dried blood. Yuni was safe. There was no reason for her not to be.

But where was she?

“Yuni?” she rasped, coming out as a whisper. Her voice was husky from disuse. Clearing her throat, she called again, “Yuni?”

A familiar figure rushed through the opening of the cave. “Asha?”

“I’m here,” Asha said, her voice cracking.

Yuni bounded to Asha’s side, kneeling beside her. “You had me so worried.”

“How long was I asleep?” Asha asked. Swaying, she grasped Yuni’s arm to keep her balance.

“Two days.” Yuni glanced away from Asha, almost guiltily.

“Two days!” Asha exclaimed incredulously. She coughed, phlegm shooting up into her mouth. Grimacing, she swallowed. “I need a drink.”

Yuni looked back at her, eyes filled with concern. “Of course,” she said, rushing to a corner in the cave. She rifled through a pile of things, fabric rustling and metal chinking. Clasping a waterskin in her hands as she walked back, she passed it to Asha. With trembling hands, Asha lifted the container to her mouth, gulping thirstily. She pulled away from the spout, gasping and spluttering as water ran from the corners of her mouth.

“Are you okay?” Yuni asked, taking the water from Asha.

“Just thirsty,” Asha mumbled. Rubbing at an eye, she groaned. “I was asleep for two days. How am I still so tired?”

Yuni laughed lightly, but concern was etched on her face. “That spell drained you of a lot of your energy Asha. Your heart was hardly beating by the time I brought you here. Your breathing was so faint that I thought you had died.” Slowly, Yuni’s face softened into something like sorrow: watery around the edges.

Asha leaned forward, burying her face into Yuni’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Yuni,” she mumbled into the fabric of her shirt. It smelled strongly of sweat and dirt, but Asha didn’t care. Comfort was comfort.

“It is not your fault,” Yuni said, voice like a soft blanket, enveloping Asha in warmth and weighing comfortably around her shoulders. She rested her chin on Asha’s shoulder. “You did what you had to do to save us. You were repaying me.” Fabric rustled as she shook her head. “No; you have already repaid me. Many times over.”

Asha could feel her eyelids closing; she knew that she was going to fall asleep. “Whatever you say,” she muttered as her thoughts shut off and she drifted into darkness.

It was dark when Asha woke up. Yuni was gone, but the place beside Asha was still warm. Heat seemed to radiate from the spot, making Asha acutely aware of the imprint Yuni’s body left at her side.

Breathing out, she sat up, pushing the blankets off. She rubbed the residue of sleep from her eyes. Standing up, she stretched and winced as her back cracked. Bare feet slapped the smooth, stone floor. Her first step outside took her breath away. She hadn’t seen the night sky like this since she was a little girl.

Stars speckled the velvet sky like tiny, shimmering diamonds. Miniscule white pinpricks swirling like seafoam, crashing in waves against the craggy shore. Shivers rolled through her body in waves at the sight.

A small voice managed to tear her attention away from the sky. “Asha?” She glanced around, eyes landing on a rock formation. “I am up here.”

Hiking up her skirts, Asha began the short climb, scrambling rather ungracefully to the top. Things were quiet for a moment, their ears only filled with the steady chirping of crickets. “It’s pretty up here,” Asha murmured.

“Like you,” Yuni said. Her voice seemed almost bold. “I mean,” her voice grew quieter, almost a whisper. “You are like the sky. All you need are the stars.”

Asha almost snorted. “The stars are what make the sky pretty. Are you saying that I’m just an expanse of darkness?”

Yuni’s eyes widened so much that the whites seemed to almost glow in the darkness. “No! No, that is not what I mean at all! The stars cannot even be seen without the dark sky. They are only pretty with the darkness. I just mean that you are what matters.”

A breeze rustled the grass and the crickets chirped on. Asha blinked. “What do you mean?”

“You are smart, and brave, and quick thinking, and talented. You can do anything.” Yuni let the words linger in the air before another breeze blew them away. “Sometimes,” she began timidly, “I think that you are the most important woman in the world; the most important person in the world.”

“What do you-”

“So many people are depending on you, Asha. And you rose up to that challenge, and every day, I see you getting closer and closer to saving them.”

“Yuni, I-” Asha began. “I’m not important. Or brave. Or talented. Or any of those things. I’m just scared.” She shivered as the wind whistled through the grass.

“It is okay to be scared. My mother always said that fear is what motivates people. Fear makes us strong enough to do the things that we would not be able to do otherwise.”

“But I’m not just scared for my family- my village- my people. I’m scared that I’ll fail. And I’m just scared that I’ll fail and they’ll die because of it, but I’m scared to fail because I’ve never failed before. I’ve always been good at things, and to fail now, when it really counts. It’s selfish., but I want to do this for me as much as I want to do this to save people.” Wetting her lips, Asha pulled her knees to her chest. “I’m scared because I don’t know what to do anymore,” Asha whispered thickly.

She wished that those words could be swallowed up by the black abyss of sky above them, never to be heard again. She looked up, and the stars winked coldly back, beautiful and icy.

“I may know a place where we could go,” Yuni mumbled. “My family. They might be willing to help. They have armies.” Asha heard the last reason, unspoken: I just want to go home.

“We’ll go,” Asha found herself saying. “We’ll travel to Yamuko.”


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Thu Aug 30, 2018 3:55 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Ink.
I'm back.

It's been awhile and I should probably be skimming back over the previous chapters, even though I think I've got the plot under control. This should be right after they get captured when they're defending that other town along the journey. I don't remember many of the particulars about this story and there's a few reasons for this.

The story is depending a lot on the presentation and perhaps the premise. You have a novel that's trying to do the right thing and fight for the right side, but it's too localized on the issues of the characters. You have a vaguely African character and a vaguely Asian character, who are in a queer relationship and that point is made from the beginning. It's set up to have the social issues from the first chapter, rather than slowly introducing the plot line.

Of course there needs to be conflict. There needs to be an issue to fight for. But the representation value just feels cheap and forced.

Within this chapter, I realize that I'm starting to ramble on the big picture issues. This brings us to the secondary issue of this novel that comes along with the topic.
It's not particularly interesting.

I mildly remember the plot but even when I was reviewing regularly, I wasn't keeping track of the happenings in the plot. I just kind of drift through the chapter without any place that holds me down in place and makes me focus on the plot. It's just rather generic.

Okay so I was wrong. This isn't the scene where they find themselves captured, this is part of their failed escape plan. Asha's magic is something I question a lot because she's supposed to be this great protector of nature but she's physically killing so much whenever she uses her powers. I assume there's some sort of minor lore explanation for this and I'd like to see it, versus the irony presented now.

And then their super forced relationship that is doing nothing for me. It will have to depend more on more interactions but all of their heartfelt moments so far have just been, wandering?

There's a lot going on that falls flat and I guess before I can comment further, I should read about more of the plot.




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Thu Dec 21, 2017 10:43 pm
liehart wrote a review...



I honestly think this is the best chapter yet. The descriptions are really well done, this time I really got a feel of the setting and how Asha felt waking up. The character development has been done pretty effortlessly; it's clear in this chapter that the characters do care about each other deep down and I'm really invested in them now.

That said, it is a little jarring that they went from arguing to getting on without really addressing their earlier conflicts, even if just to put them to rest. The pacing is still fast, but here it didn't feel as unnatural but rather the development seems clear. I'm excited that they're going to Yamuko, I feel it's an opportunity to learn more about Yuni who despite everything is still a mystery.

To be honest, I struggled finding anything to criticise here, it's very well written and the improvement is clear.




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Sun Sep 17, 2017 12:54 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Shippedy ship ship ship! I remember reading a bit of this several months ago and thinking Asha and Yuni were kind of cute together, and BOY WAS I RIGHT, this is practically a declaration of love, oh my goodness.

“It’s pretty up here,” Asha murmured.

“Like you,” Yuni said. Her voice seemed almost bold.


Telling her she's all that matters, and then Asha leaning into her shoulder and thinking her voice is like a warm blanket...wow. They're just. They're so in love.

I was a little distracted by all the dialogue tags - not how many of them you had (which fine), but the fact that you replaced a lot of "said"s with other words. I know you used "mumbled" and "murmured" several times, for example. I know it can feel like using "said" all the time can get repetitive, but that's the beautiful thing about "said": It's basically invisible. Unless you have a dialogue tag for every single line, readers will pretty much not notice it's there. But these other words - they're good in small doses, but they're a lot more noticeable than "said," so get tiresome more quickly. You're really good at cutting out dialogue tags - there are many spots where you use narration instead, like "Yuni let the words linger in the air before another breeze blew them away" - so if you're really concerned about overusing "said," I'd focus more on cutting dialogue tags and less on using replacements for "said."

You did a great job describing Asha's condition at the start of this chapter. I like the fact that magic clearly isn't going to be an endless solution for problems in this story - sure, they can teleport, but teleportation is going to cost some energy and well-being, so they can't just magic their way out of every solution. It was kind of funny how she was like, "How can I be tired? I just slept for two days!" because being unconscious is not really the same as sleeping. But I liked that she needed some serious recovery time after such a big use of magic.

Plus, it gave plenty of opportunity for Asha and Yuni to be really cute together.

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Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:28 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Alright, here we go.

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Asha did not awake quickly. She drifted in and out of consciousness as blurry shapes and colors danced before her eyes.

When Asha woke up

This is a wee bit repetitive. "When she did awake" might work better.

trying to bring back the will to open her eyes again

You don't really need the "back" as well as the "again". Either or would be fine.

Her stomach growled again; Asha was starving.

I think I'd have the name and pronoun the other way round. Like, "Asha's stomach growled again; she was starving."

Yuni bounded to Asha’s side

I really like this image ^.^ Like, genuine feels :P

She coughed, phlegm shooting up into her mouth.

I also really like this detail, not least because I seem to have contracted freshers flu and am currently extremely empathetic.

Slowly, Yuni’s face softened into something like sorrow

"like" sorrow? Pretty sure it would just look like sorrow, and very justifiably so, even if Asha doesn't realise how Yuni feels. At the very least, it's kind of them against the world. Of course Yuni is going to be distraught if it suddenly looks like she's now alone.

It’s selfish.,

I have never been so furious at a typo (I AM SO ENGROSSED RN)

Overall:

I am willing to bet that you are very very nervous about this chapter. First thing's first, you have done very very well.

Starting with the relationship between the two main characters. That was extremely believable and complex and sweet and I'm so glad to finally get at least a little payoff to knowing what's coming. I have only one criticism, so if there's any other aspect you can think of, just assume you did well in it. The criticism is this: several times you have told me outside of story that Asha is too preoccupied/absorbed to notice how Yuni feels. I'm actually not certain I've seen much evidence to show this is the case in-story. Asha's lovely. There haven't been a whole lot of occasions where I've realised more about what Yuni's feeling than her, which would be quite useful for building up this impression.

Although, the fact that she doesn't actually address the Yuni's feelings aspect of this, and only the actual words she says does point in that direction. Maybe have like a sentence at the end of Yuni looking at Asha (and Asha being unable to figure out why) before having to look away.

Your setting description was also delightful. Especially the sky. It was romantic for one thing, but it also did a lot to stress their isolation.

Lastly I like that the plot sort of held still here. Once we'd figured out where we were it was just about the characters. That felt really special and nice.

See ya on discord,
Biscuits :P





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— yosh