Note: this is by no means complete. I have several different POV's here.
Darkreed
"Mousetails," I swore as icy water lapped my belly.
Graymoon tried to stifle a laugh.
"You wouldn't laugh if it was you," I snapped.
"Mrr, sorry."
Tallfern grinned. "You know, Cinderheart taught me and Rowanpaw to swim here."
"Did she really?" I climbed onto the bank, shaking my fur.
"Watch it!"
Now it was my turn to laugh. They looked so funny, hissing as they tried to dry themselves.
Graymoon pounced on me, his heavier weight and my surprise letting him knock me over.
"No fair! Get off me, you great lump!" I tried vainly to push him off.
"Only if you promise me to catch a rabbit. You're good at that."
"Done," I wheezed. He got off, and I signaled silently to Tallfern. We jumped on him from both sides. "Now, will you help me catch that rabbit? We can share it, all three of us."
"Okay. Better catch two, though; there won't be enough with Tallbelly around!"
**
In the end, we caught a rabbit between us and a couple of squirrels thanks to Gray's efforts.
Brambleclaw was impressed. He greeted us with, "Is one of those for me, I hope?"
"Yup! D'you fancy a squirrel?" He purred his appreciation.
As we ate, I noticed Redpaw staring wistfully at us.
"Redpaw?"
She jumped.
"Calm down, I was only going to offer a squirrel and some company."
"Oh." She loped over to sit beside me. "Ottertail said I could have the afternoon off."
Did he really? I thought. Off all afternoon, and he's not in camp...
"Well, I guess you earned it." Brambleclaw's tone said he'd thought
the same thing. "I hope he hasn't neglected your training."
"Er..." Redpaw's voice squeaked. "He hasn't. He took me out to practice fighting moves today."
"Have you got a frog in your throat?"
"Er... um..."
"Starclan. You sound like..." Brambleclaw sniffed her.
"Like a kit," he finished. We all stared at him.
"A kit? You're not old enough to train?" Graymoon asked.
"Ye-yes," she hiccuped.
"Take it easy. No cat's going to hurt you." The deputy let her rest her head on his flank.
"Now tell me, Red..."
"My n-name is Ashe," she interrupted.
"Ashe, then. Who's your mother?"
"A r-rogue named Beryl." Ashe sniffled. "I was the r-runt of my litter. D-deadweight."
Sympathy welled up in me; I leaned in and licked her
between the ears.
"No cat thinks you're deadweight," said Graymoon roughly.
"I was the smallest of my litter too, but now I'm a warrior."
Sniff, sniff.
"That's right. Clear the old nose."
I almost laughed. He sounded... like a concerned father.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
Though it isn't complete, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was definitely told.. differently than most, but it was enjoyable, nonetheless. I didn't spot any punctuation or grammatical errors.
The one thing I am confused about is the kit. If it was a rogue, why would they have recognized it and referred to it by name? That threw me off quite a bit. But overall, I really enjoyed the story and would be glad to read more.
Very clever in the way you told the story. Although I would've either taken out certain pieces of dialogue and put in more description of the characters, setting, and about what's happening instead of just having dialogue. That is my opinion about this, but it's still good. You have a good concept plot, but besides what I was just talking about there are a few things that need improving. You should name the Clan and state it in the story. Also this Clan you've created is like a mix of ThunderClan, RiverClan, and WindClan. You should try to narrow the list of prey and special aspects into one unique combo of one to two kinds of prey that is common for their environment and an aspect(like swimming or speed) like so. The dialogue is also quite confusing to follow.
I hope this review helped and that I'm not being too harsh. I only want to see young writers improve on their writing.
I think you have a great concept of the story line here, but there are a few things I suggest changing.
You need to be more specific with the dialouge on who is doing the talking. Half the time, I don't know which cat is saying what and that makes it confusing and hard to follow. More description too! They talk like they swim like RiverClan, yet they hunt rabbits like WindClan and squirrels like ThunderClan. You need to narrow it down to one set of prey and give a Clan name. Also, descibe the setting. There are hardly any movement desciptions or scene descirptions, it's just all talking.
I love the names you chose though! Very clever names. Tallfern is my favorite.
i really like your story. When they approach the kit, however, is where it gets foggy. Why do they think she is redpaw? How did she get into camp? Could you clear it up and write more?
Nice job with this, the way you write reminds me of the 'Redwall' series by Brian Jacques, only with that the main characters are mostly mice, not cats
You really kept me interested with all the dialogue, though it's a little hard to understand exactly what's happening because you jump from quotation to quotation so quickly- readers (I, at least) need time to breath and asses their surroundings before moving on. Perhaps if you describe a little more it would help a bit.
Never read the 'Warrior' series, but I can't wait to read more of your story!
~Mel
Hey!
I love this!
You really encorporated the character's feelings and personalities into this piece. Having read (and obsessed) over the Warrior books a couple of years ago, I know them well, and so do you!
Beasty job!
*Tay*