Bright Stars

And for part two, good to see it's looking a little longer than the first =)

Bluefire was crossing the camp when a voice hailed him. He recognized Firestar. [This is telling as opposed to showing, slow down a little and describe this camp to us, give us a feel for the time of day, the temperature, the sound of this other character's voice and where they are in relation to Bluefire.]

"Coming," he called.

Firestar looked bright and alert. [That's all very well but for those of us who haven'r read or seen what this is a fanfic of, describe the character a little.] "I heard the good news," he said.

Pride swelled in Bluefire's chest. "Leafpool said there'll be three, maybe four kits."

"Wonderful. Give Redfern my regards." Firestar blinked warmly at his adopted son. "Go on."

Light headed with joy, Bluefire nodded. He dashed across the clearing. At the nursery, he slowed to a respectable trot.

"She's resting," Leafpool told him. "Try not to disturb her."

With a nod, Bluefire pushed his way inside.

Redfern was indeed resting. Her eyes opened, though, when her mate entered. "Hello, Bluefire."

"Hi."

"What should we call them?" [There's a little too much dialogue and most of it doesn't give away personality traits. I have yet to decide if I find Bluefire to be a strong or weak character, to be gentle or fierce. For now, he seems a little mundane.]

Blufire let his voice drop into the familiar drawl. "Wull, it's cust'mary to name kits after they're born."

She swatted at him playfully. "You old rogue."

"Proud of it, too," he retorted.

**

Darkpaw felt the leaves shift underfoot. She started raking them with her claws, pretending they were a rival warrior.

Her brother, Tallpaw, flicked his ears. "Can't you keep still for one heartbeat?"

Darkpaw stopped her play. "Aren't you a bit excited? It's our first solo task."

"A little," he admitted. [Ah now this is better. You see there's immediate personality here =)]

Starclan, he's ever so serious! It made her want to bite him; she settled for kneading his tail, the way she had when they were kits.

"Hey, quit that!" he whisked his tail out of her reach.

Made you squirm, brother, she thought. Score one.

"Shh," he hissed. "Patrol coming."

Darkpaw's eyes shone. "We'll set up an ambush for them."

"Yes!" crowed Tallpaw.

Score two, she thought, amused.

Brambleclaw's voice reached them. "All clear, Cedarpaw?"

The she-cat's voice replied, "Yes, Brambleclaw."

Cedarpaw! This would be an even better game. She was always boasting, even though she'd been apprenticed a few days before the twins. [Do you mean only a few days between the twins or a whole few days. One little work could completely change the tone of this line so clear that up a little. But... interesting.]

Excited, Darkpaw signaled with her ears. Her brother nodded.

They sprang, yowling a battle cry. Cedarpaw jumped as they landed on her back. She slashed out blindly with her front claws.

Tallpaw cried out, "My eye!"

"Tallpaw!" shrieked Darkpaw.

Bursting out of the forest, Graystripe took in the scene. "What have you done?" he snarled.

Cedarpaw was trembling. "Oh, G-Graystripe, I think I b-blinded him!" she stammered.

The rest of the patrol arrived; Brambleclaw, Cloudtail and Sandstorm gathered around the three apprentices.

"How did this happen?" demanded Brambleclaw.

Darkpaw looked up into his eyes and swallowed. "We were only playing, but Cedarpaw reacted too quickly. She... she hurt Tallpaw's eye." Darkpaw buried her muzzle in the deputy's fur.

Sandstorm inspected the damage. "It looks bad, but Leafpool will tell us more." [Slow down a little, more description please. Your action is good and the dialogue is heating up nicely but take it steady, you need to introduce all of these characters and the reader can feel nothing while everything is rushing by at such a speed. Slow the attack scene down so the reader has a chance to be worried for their new acquaintance.]

As if her voice had been a summons, Leafpool appeared. The patrol parted to let her through. "His eye isn't the worst of it," she declared. "His cheek is fractured as well."

Tallpaw moaned. He tried to roll over, but the medicine cat held him in place. "Someone go and fetch Jayfeather."

Without a word, Darkpaw flew towards the camp.

[I liked this in part but you need to move into it a little more steadily. I'll admit I don't read a lot of fanfic but even this genre needs to introduce the characters for new readers to the story. Your second half was better than the first with more characterization and some good action but work on that atmosphere a little. A good way to do description is to bring to mind the five senses (touch, sight, scent, sound and taste) and think of how each would occur in the situation. You don't have to write it all down but it helps if you have in mind exactly how your characters are feeling and what's going on around them.

I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx]

Take out the s.

As if her voice had been a summons

Here, you have it in third person view, yet in part two, you have it in first person...

Oh, an djust so everybody else knows, this isn't a continuation of Spark and Fire. It's the next book.