Tauren leaned down and carefully felt the hoof print.
He rubbed his fingers around the edge, taking in the damp feeling, and carefully checked how much the soil had dried since the horses hoof had been there.
His expert knowledge on stalking and hunting made it so that when he saw a simple print made my some passing animal he could find a wealth of information about it.
He knew that this horse had weighed over 1000 pounds, and he knew it carried a load; he suspected that its right forelegs knee was somehow damaged, causing it to have a slight limp; he could guess that the horse carried a heavy load, but it had only a small rider, seeing as to the way that its prints differed when someone’s footprints where next to its hoof prints and when they weren’t.
He also knew that whoever was riding it was armed and knew how to use their weapons; he knew this due to the way they had cut their firewood at their previous campsite he’d passed, the strokes where sword strokes, perfectly executed, and with a stunning amount of power.
Much of what he could guess from the various signs the rider and horse left him was very uncertain, and he wasn’t planning on risking his life on any of that information.
He stood slowly, wiping his hands off on his grey cloak he had acquired a few days before at a small town, and turning, leaped up onto T’hunes back.
The bay didn’t need any directions and started instantly down the small forest road, under the spreading trees; over the beautiful carpet of colorful autumn leaves, leaves that where stopping to fall from the barren branches overhead.
It had been five days since he had rushed up to the hilltop in Carmenton, grabbed his bow, jumped on T’hune, and rode off into the forest . . . without looking back.
He still didn’t look back.
He had had a hard first day, feeling empty and betrayed, after which he had simply turned T’hunes head down the forest road and started riding, without aim, without anything in mind.
He had bought some supplies at a town three days before, and had been riding ever since through the vast expanse of forest trails, wandering without cause, not even running into a single other traveler . . . until now.
The day before, he had taken a new fork in the trail and found that this was a more used path. He had followed it now for three days, and knew that he was catching up on whoever it was that was ahead of him . . . but something was bothering him, perhaps it was the almost indecipherable signs he saw every now and again in the forest . . . perhaps it was the rotting carcasses of two wolves had found that morning, ripped apart and stinking, but fresh, and riddled in teeth marks.
He wasn’t worried about himself, he wasn’t worried at all, but he felt something was wrong with this part of the world, he could feel it deep inside, gnawing at him.
He knew that something was seriously wrong in the woods; birds had stopped singing and he saw far fewer of them than there should have been; wolves had stopped howling, and everything subdued, the skies where cloudy and a haze seemed to cover the sun during the brief periods of time when it did come out from behind its covers.
He couldn’t place it.
He rode in silence for some time, his senses on edge, listening for any sign of movement from the woods, the sun was getting lower and he would have to make camp soon, T’hune needed rest even if he didn’t.
He continued on, careful, but still enjoying the woods, the silence, and the peace that always seemed to come with them, but it was peace with a sharp edge.
He heard a wolf howl in the distance and started, usually that was a good sound to him, and he loved wolves and the part they played in nature; but something was wrong with the howl, it was too short, too much like a hounds cry, and far too bloodthirsty.
He shuddered uncomfortably and nudged T’hune into a clearing in the forest a few dozen yards from the trail, he took very little time, using his sword and hands, to get a good fire burning and get T’hune comfortably padded down for the night.
Then he took his bow and carefully walked into the darkening woods, hoping to catch something for his dinner before complete darkness fell.
The nights where getting colder, and Tauren was glad for his heavy coat that night, the frigid air bit his hands and face, only made colder by a soft breeze.
He walked through the silent, dark, trees, not making a sound, and not hearing a sound; he didn’t like that, the night was supposed to be alive with sounds, bats, owls, nocturnal animals . . . all kinds of things, yet it was silent as a tomb.
He hadn’t gone for fifty yards from the camp when he heard his first sound, and it wasn’t one he had wanted to hear; it was the sound of footsteps, heavy armored footsteps; the sound of at least ten armored men crashing through the brush only fifty yards from him.
Without a pause he spun behind a tree, listening carefully, they were coming straight for him, and he had a feeling that if they were out on this night; they weren’t friendly.
Whoever they were where moved fast and the next thing he knew he heard the sound of rough voices right behind his tree.” It can’t be far”, Muttered one of them,” It’s had to have camped down somewhere close by.”
“. Who knows? Those things can keep going all night and all day for a week without rest I hear.” Another voice muttered.
“.They can”, Whispered a third,” But their horses can’t. Now shut it you two; the last thing I want to do is start this night with a fight.” This voice had a considerable amount of authority Tauren noticed, and the other two fell silent. He guessed from the sound that there must have been at least 12 of them standing there.
“.Why don’t we just let the hounds on it?” Whined a new voice, there were some grunts of approval.
There was the sound of a thick growl and the third voice spoke again.” Shut up I said! Because we’re not cowards for one thing, and for another, the hounds wouldn’t stand a chance. Now draw swords and come on.”
There was the sound of steel on steel and the whole group poured past the tree Tauren stood behind, not even noticing the dark cloaked figure standing there. They were soldiers; that much was obvious from their armor and swords gleaming in the light cast by the crescent moon.
Tauren started, they weren’t just any soldiers, they were Halavardes, easily distinguished by their flowing black cloaks and kite shaped shields emblazoned with the Halavarde’s dragon. Halavardes where men who were well known for their complete lack of fear in battle; men who had earned a ruthless reputation for bloodthirstiness, a reputation that wasn’t ill founded either.
He remembered his last night in Carmenton; he remembered the whispered conversation between his grandfather and Marlan, they had said that the Arrels had been ordered to pull out of Netheron. That meant that Halavardes now had easy access to a virtually undefended world, and there they were now.
But who where they hunting?
He had to find out.
He sighed, laid an arrow on string, readied his sword; then, shaking his head, turned and trotted after them.
Why was he risking his neck for someone he didn’t even know? Because he could help them, and when someone was threatened and he could help, yet didn’t . . . well, it was his responsibility to help if he could, he said to himself.
The last Halavarde in the line of running men wasn’t even noticed as an arrow slammed through his heart from behind, and he fell silently to the ground, dead without a word.
The second one gave a startled cry just before he crumpled to the earth, an arrow sticking out of his back, blood pouring onto the ground.
Tauren couldn’t help but be impressed with the speed with which the others reacted; leaping into the forest in all directions at an order shouted from their commander, and then converging on the general area from where they figured the arrows where coming, from at a speed that was simply incredible.
He wasn’t impressed about it for long; they were coming in fast, from every direction, and though they didn’t know exactly where he was they had guessed fairly well and would be on top of him in a moment if he didn’t do something.
He snapped off two more shots, then dropping his bow, drew his sword, and ran full force right into the surprised leader of the group, knocking him onto his back with a startled cry.
Tauren didn’t hesitate; he stabbed down hard, straight through the armor, and into the man’s heart. Keep your pressure until you see the life leave his eyes, he heard his grandfather’s stern voice whisper in his ear.
The man stared into his eyes, the surprise dying from them quickly, and being replaced by pain, and then they rolled back and he died. But he had misjudged his opponents, they didn’t hesitate or slow down, they simply leaped at him from all directions, swinging their swords, screaming for his blood.
He barely blocked the first few swings they aimed at him, but his hesitation had been his doom, they surrounded him quickly, prodding him carefully, their dark eyes filled with anger and hatred.
Fast and strong as he was they easily equaled him. He knew he was outmatched; this might be the night he died, trying to defend someone he didn’t even know . . .
But fate had other plans apparently.
A tall, dark figure suddenly appeared behind the Halavardes, a massive battle axe gleaming in the soft light. There was a whoosh, a scream, and one of the men in front of him crashed to the earth, the axe buried in his back.
Tauren took the quick glitch in their concentration, slamming his sword into one man’s helmet with full force, the man crumpled to the ground as Tauren spun back around and stuck his sword under one man’s shoulder guard, and deep into him.
He screamed and fell to the ground as well.
But the remaining five men where onto them now, two went after Taurens unknown benefactor, and the other three went after Tauren. But chance was against the Halavardes, one of them tripped on a root as he approached Tauren and was stabbed in the neck, and the other was too slow to get out of the way of the battle axe wielded by the dark cloaked man and crumpled silently to the earth.
The remaining three men saw their dead companions littered about the forest floor and saw the two deadly warriors facing them, and decided, wisely, that it was time to embrace the less honorable decision. Then, turning, they raced off into the darkness, Tauren didn’t want to follow them, and his companion didn’t seem to want to either.
Slowly he sheathed his sword and turned to face the man.
Tauren was surprised to see it wasn’t a man at all, it was a boy, hardly any older than he was, tall and well built, long black hair, and piercing black eyes, the massive battle axe leaning over his shoulder. He nodded solemnly to Tauren.
Tauren nodded back.” Thanks . . . “He trailed off, not sure what to say.
“. No problem.” The other answered, lowering his axe and studying Tauren.
Tauren stepped over to where he had dropped his bow and picking it up slung it over his shoulder.” I’m Tauren.” He held out his hand for the other boy.
The other hesitated for a moment.” I’m Detrick.” He answered, grasping his hand firmly.” Detrick Averone.”
Tauren nodded, Carmenton had been an out-of-the-way town and few travelers had ever passed through it, but there were other towns in the forest and around it that had a great number of people passing between them, he simply assumed this was a traveler passing through.
He had never been one to pry into other people’s business, and made no exception now; only planning on thanking the other for his help and then continuing on with his original purpose as though nothing had ever happened. But Detrick wasn’t like that.
Tauren was about to walk back into the woods again when he stopped him.” How about some supper?” He proposed, grinning widely, transforming his face so that he looked more like a boy and less like a serious warrior.
Tauren wasn’t used to people trying to be nice to him, and to say the truth, was at quite a loss of words, unsure of what to say.” I don’t have anything.” He said simply, trying to shrug the others friendly advance off.
Detrick chuckled.” Then I’ll provide, I’ve got plenty, don’t worry.”
Tauren hesitated, not sure what to do. He had been trained to fight but he was not good at doing much with people other than just that.
“.Come on, I haven’t seen anyone for three days.” He continued”. And I did just save your life.” He added.
Tauren rolled his eyes now.” So what are you going to do, kidnap me for supper?” But he had stopped preparing to go into the woods, and had decided that he might as well, there could be no harm in it . . . he hoped. He gestured for the other to lead the way.
Detrick grinned.” I might.” Then he asked”. Would you happen to have a campsite somewhere around here . . . I haven’t had time to set up camp, I just heard some yelling over here and came . . . so.”
Tauren nodded.” Yeah, just over here.” He paced through the trees, followed by Detrick, and into the little clearing with the fire still burning in the middle of it, and the small bay horse tethered over to one side, cropping the sparse grass.
Detrick rubbed his hands together, and smiled appreciatively at the fire.” Let me just go get something.” He trotted into the darkness and came back a moment later leading a tall black horse, amazingly built, and obviously capable of a lot of speed.
He pulled off a saddlebag and tossed it over to Tauren.” Here, why don’t you put something together while I get Whinnick settled down?” He suggested nonchalantly.
Tauren caught the bag.” Sure.” He answered simply, and began to prepare a quick meal, smiling appreciatively at the sight of salted pork, peaches, and other things that he, as a poor famer, had always considered a delicacy.
A moment later he had served out the food on slabs of bark off of a tree next to the fire, his usual on-the-go plates, and Detrick stepped over.
They ate quickly and silently, enjoying the meal, Tauren especially so, seeing as it had a couple of things in it he had only had once or twice in his life due to their rarity around Carmenton.
Then Detrick took off his cloak and laying it beneath him, leaned back against a log by the fire and sighed appreciatively, Tauren followed his example and a moment later they were silently sitting there, staring up at the stars, slightly dimmed by the light smoke that the fire gave off.
Tauren glanced at his new companion, and was surprised to see that under the cloak Detrick wore chain mail, a pair of daggers, a belt of throwing knives, and a sword, on top of which was his massive battle axe.” Are you a soldier?” He asked before he could stop himself.
Detrick shrugged.” Not really, I joined Earl Veranen’s army only a couple months ago. My father wanted me to . . . I wanted too as well to tell you the truth, just the whole idea of serving my country, and protecting my people felt really attractive.” He waved a hand vaguely”. Anyway, what about you? You have to be a soldier to have the kind of skill with weapons you have.”
Tauren didn’t really want to explain his life to a stranger and answered simply.” I’m not a soldier.” Hoping the other would let it stay at that.
But Detrick gave a snort.” You sure could have fooled me. How’d you learn to use weapons like that?”
“.My grandfather used to be a soldier, he taught me.” Tauren explained.
Detrick nodded.” I really don’t know much about weapons, the Earl Veranen’s men are all equipped just like I am, I really don’t know too much about weapons. I just use the axe because I’m strong and because it’s the only thing that can bring you relatively close to those Halavardes speed and strength.”
Tauren nodded.” You sure need strength to use that thing; it’s got to be an eight pound head.”
“. Ten actually”.
“Nice”.
They sat in a friendly silence for a few minutes, a silence again broken by Tauren.” So why are you out here?” He asked, gesturing to the dark forest surrounding them, flickering in the light of the small fire.
“. I’m carrying a message from Earl Veranen to Duke Cazerone.” Detrick answered, not looking at him.” They say that the Duke is getting his own army together . . . my job is to find out of the rumor is true, and to deliver the Earls message if it is.”
“. Forgive my ignorance.” Tauren said after a slight pause.” But I really haven’t lived anywhere near any major cities or anything and have absolutely no idea who Duke Cazerone and Earl Veranen are, or why they should be gathering armies . . . I’m a bit behind the news I’m afraid.”
Detrick turned to him, looking surprised.” You don’t know about the Arrels moving out of Netheron last month?”
Tauren shook his head.” I’ve heard some hints, like the attack tonight, but I have no real details.”
Detrick nodded.” Well, since I’m going to be sharing your campsite I think I owe you a story at least.” He leaned back and gathered his thoughts. Then with a sigh, he began.” It all started about three years ago. From what I know there was some kind of serious battle between the Arrels and Halavardes, it was fought on Arreland mind you, and apparently the Arrels where badly outnumbered and where beaten badly. So next thing you know a new political faction starts popping up on Arreland, a faction that thinks that Arreland shouldn’t be protecting Netheron, I mean, Nethers aren’t Arrels, and they don’t think it’s right that Arrels should have to die for Nethers. But the king of Arreland isn’t part of this faction, and since he has a lot of power, and only four or five of the fifteen Arrel archdukes are part of it, it doesn’t go anywhere, not yet anyway. Then early last year there was another battle and the Arrels simply didn’t have the numbers they needed and where beaten. Apparently though, TriPrand, the more recent battle, was a lot bitterer loss for some of the Archdukes than the previous one. And next thing you know the balance is tipped and the king finds his authority being overridden and a new king is being demanded, he’d been king for a really long time, and so he fights against them to the last. And last month a new king was chosen, some Archduke Du’Renskold, and he gave out orders for all the soldiers to pull out of Netheron and return to Arreland. Only a few of them stayed: obstinate supporters of Clasheron apparently. But due to the ancient treaty from back when Arreland began to protect Netheron hundreds of years ago, the Nethers are not allowed to have a standing army, and now that the Arrels are gone Netheron is practically helpless, so a few Nether Earls and Dukes are trying to get armies together and defend Netheron. My father was a merchant in Kunderang Port, Emerarion Province, and when the Earl that ruled the area, Veranen, started recruiting an army, I joined. We heard that Duke Cazerone, of southern Caraca, was doing the same thing, so a couple of messengers were sent, proposing that the two armies join forces. But the messengers where killed by Halavardes on the journey, so me and forty nine others were sent in the hopes that at least one of us would make it through. I took a bit northerly route, planning on going north then coming south again, but it’s taken a long time, and someone else has probably already made it through. But I’m going to continue on, and get to Vaetrion as soon as I can . . . who knows, maybe nobody else made it through and I’ll be a hero for a change.” He grinned at Tauren.” There, you’re updated on the news . . . vaguely enough. Would you mind telling me something about yourself now?” He added the last bit on after a short pause.
Tauren sighed, and gave the other boy his history, only cutting out a few little pieces, such as what his grandfather had given him as he died, the flash of light . . . all things of that type, things he didn’t quite understand himself, and things he thought it would be wise to keep to himself.
Detrick asked only a few simple questions before falling silent and laying there on his log, staring up at the stars.
Slowly an idea began to build up in Tauren, it began to become a plan and before he knew it he had turned to Detrick and asked in a subdued voice.” Do you think the Earl could use a soldier to guard one of his messengers on his way to Vaetrion Fortress?”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello! So an interesting turn of events here! With the Halavarde soldiers to Detrick, this is quite an eventful chapter! Oh man all of those sentences ended with an exclamation point...opps.
Either way, this was a pretty cool chapter. I guess I'll get to the feedback.
For example, in the beginning Tauren is describing the imprint of the horse's hoof in the mud, and you can tell he has a real passion for tracking and hunting, you don't need to outright say it.

So, that's a pretty long chunk of dialogue there. It was pretty brutal for me to read all of that at once. With large chunks of dialogue that need to be said, it's best to break it up. For instance, make Tauren interrupt Detrick at a particularly exciting or surprising part, and make him react to whatever he had said. It not only allows for that scary piece of dialogue to be broken up into less scary, smaller chunks, it also allows for the reader to know what Tauren was feeling at that exact moment, which helps with character development that you might not intend to be there. The smallest things that a character does or thinks are really huge indicators of a character's...character.
Okay something that's been annoying me is that almost EVERY single "were" is written as "where" and it's very distracting so please, please, please edit that!!! Something else I noticed is that in the beginning of dialogue you'll have a period that shouldn't be there, so I'd recommend fixing that when you get to editing this.
Okey dokey that'll be it for this chapter, onto the next! I'm really liking how the story is unfolding!
Hey Black. I've got a lot of insight for this chapter, and I hope you're ready for it.
You remember the comments about the run on sentences in your last chapters? It occurs quite a bit in this chapter as well. An exercise you can do is to go through your chapter and take out 50% of the "and"s, and adjust the grammar accordingly. This will provide for more solid statements, and more fluid sentence transitions.
I'm going to go through a few phrases from the chapter and tell you what I think you can do to improve. Here's the first:
This sentence isn't really necessary, because you have the descriptions right afterwards. The descriptions can improve, but that comes with time. Try doing something along these lines:
You can pick and choose what Trauen sees, but this is a place of great information - we need to be thrilled at how much the character knows about this subject.
One thing I'd like to comment on is your dialogue as well. The two characters in this chapter are both adolescents, but their speech hints to American dialects/pop phraseology. You're in a completely different world here. Take some time and create some new phrases! Readers don't mind getting to know the jargon of your world - it helps us become close with your creation. If you need some examples, I'l give you some. But just go through the dialogue on this and look for what I'm talking about.
One last thing. The long paragraph near the end should change a bit. It's filled with run on sentences. Also, if you take it and do what I suggested with the local jargon, it will change it up nicely.
Hopefully that will help you for future chapters, as well on the revision (and redrafting:) ) of this chapter. Good luck! If you have any questions, let me know.
Thanks, this is gonna take some work to think through.
But very helpful!
I like the way this chapter begins... a lot. The simple descriptions draw the reader in, and you're letting us know more about Tauren as you show him using his special knowledge.
I also liked how you let us know more about Tauren's nature when he goes to help the other man. But I would remove the paragraph where he asks himself "Why am I doing this?" and instead just have him help the other person without a second thought.
The character of Detrick is also an interesting one, and you again did a good job of describing him and introducing us to him. In fact, I think your character development is pretty good.
What I'd work on is really just your sentence structure and your descriptions. Regarding the former, you have a tendency to use commas instead of periods. That can make things very hard to follow. Indeed, if you fix that issue, I think your descriptions will be a lot better.
On descriptions, I think this is a good article:
Unneeded information by Emerson
You may also find this useful:
How to write chapters by Snoink
Best of luck!
Hey again Blackie! I'm on a roll today!
I'm not going to repeat what I've said for the last two reviews, instead I'm going to say: if you want I can check trough what you write before you post it. There.
Can you describe the man's voice for us? Or is it a woman? Also: "were where"? I don't think you need the where. It's doesn't need an apostrophe.
What noise were the people making? was it a rustling noise? Was it very loud? The metallic sound of swords clinging together? Describe the sound to us...
Red alert! Who stopped who? I'm guessing that Detrick stopped Tauren, but the reader doesn't necessarily guess that straight away. Tell us! Use Detrick instead of the first he! or "the other boy"! something, but not he!
Anyway, I love this novel and can't wait for more!
Auxiira^^