Eukron Forest, Northern Metashanagena province, Netheron.
Jaden leaned against the tree he was hiding behind, carefully peering around the edge of its rough trunk so he could look down the road he waited beside. They were near.
Three hours previously he had been sitting at his camp, glaring into the flames of his evening fire, surrounding by a dozen freezing officers, when he had felt something. Jaden had spent a lifetime, no, a dozen lifetimes tuning his senses to levels that were anything but natural.
He could sense a powerful presence from a hundred miles, and he had sensed one that evening, a very powerful one; one too powerful to be ignored, especially when it was approaching his encampment.
He had a hundred of the best men, sorcerers, and warriors now waiting in the darkness of the trees about the road, waiting for this unknown powerful person to pass, then waiting for Jaden to give the signal for them to leap out and either kill or capture them.
In the distance he heard horse’s hooves now, hardly half a mile away.
He signaled for his men to be on the ready, and then crouched down beside the massive trunk of his tree. They were in the most ancient part of Netheron, in an area were no humans lived anymore, and were the trees were so ancient they seemed almost alive with malice, where the little life that still remained was the most powerful in the worlds.
They were here to hunt down the Devry, the ancient beasts that had inhabited and ruled Netheron before humans had arrived. Jaden hoped to bring them over to his side and recruit their help in his war with Halavarde, but if that wasn’t possible . . . well, he felt sure that he had enough of his men with him to take down any number of surviving Devry.
But he was certain the Halavardes would try to recruit them as well, hence his great care when he sensed something out of place, such as a super-powerful lord approaching.
Arabella Eterion never seemed to be able to get over her awe of the forest; it was so amazing and beautiful. She had grown up in grasslands, and trees were truly a novelty to her.
She glanced up at her mother, Kazira Eterion, tall and haughty, long, straight black hair falling down her back, riding beside her.
Behind them rode a dozen guards, all wearing the dark green livery of the Royal Isaruan Guard, constant companions to the queen and her daughter. Deep in Eukron forest her father still had a small fortress that he kept manned; it was in one of the most beautiful spots in the worlds, a spot where the queen and her youngest daughter were always sent when things began to get messy, back home in Isarua’s capital Melakune.
Recently however, the gate that had been built to get to it had broken, so they had been forced to use the nearest of their gates and then ride the rest of the way, something that the overbearing queen had ranted and raved about, but that her daughter had accepted with glee.
“How much longer is this infernal ride going to take?” The Queen demanded of her personal Captain of the Guard, Mutic Alasair.
Alasair bowed stiffly from his saddle, keeping his black eyes trained on the passing road beneath him.” Another hour, no less, your majesty”
The Queen sniffed disdainfully and turned away. Ara felt sorry for poor Mutic, he’d served the Queen and King for a very, very long time, and they (Or at least, the Queen) despised him. She glanced back at him, smiling softly to him.
The old captain just grinned back, showing her again how much he didn’t care about the Queens disdain. She turned away from him and looked back down at the grassy road. It wasn’t really a road at all, more of a grassy lane through the forest were there were no trees, but that made it all the more beautiful.
Ara was a princess, yes, but she didn’t really care about it. She was a youngest daughter. She had three older brothers and three older sisters, all of whom had their own affairs, all of whom paid as little as possible attention to her. Her father loved her deeply, she knew, and showed it when he was around, but that was the thing. He was hardly seen in Melakune anymore. Her mother didn’t exactly go to any extremes to see her happy, and they were not at all close. Usually their weeks and months in Tessila Fort were probably the longest amounts of times that they were relatively close to one another, though they both went to extremes to keep out of the others company.
She glanced back at old Mutic, but she frowned. He was looking about the forest ahead of them, as though he sensed something; he was frantically looking about the trees, his short grey hair ruffling slightly in the light breeze. She knew that it was wise to trust in the senses of old warriors; they tended to be very good at predicting things.
But he said nothing.
They passed the spot he’d been staring at. Now Ara was feeling truly nervous, something was wrong, and she knew it. She didn’t know what to say though; she glanced back at Mutic who was glaring into the shadows by the roadside, hoping that he knew what he was doing.
She slowly followed his glare and gasped. Standing in the shadows of the trees stood a massive man, covered from head to foot in shining armor, a long sword wrapped in his massive hands, his broad shoulders seeming to spread three feet. He glanced up to her and smiled thinly, his black eyes softening. He bowed slightly.
She didn’t say anything, trusting in Mutic’s example, and simply stared at the man as he slipped deeper into the shadows and disappeared. The thing was she’d seen him before. One day, years before, when she was only seven, she’d slipped into her father’s room and seen him standing by the fireplace, talking with this man. His rugged, but kind, face had for some reason imprinted itself in her memory. She’d never found out who he was, nor had she bothered to ask. The man had said a few more word to her father and then he’d smiled that same smile to her, and simply disappeared in a flash of red fire.
She made a quick mental to ask Mutic about him.
An hour later the imposing mass of the fort came into view over the treetops. It wasn't a real fort, really it was a sort of cross between a fort and a palace, it was used by the royal family as a sort of retreat, but it was in a dangerous area of Netheron and it needed to be defendable.
Twenty minutes after the distant spires came into view; Ara looked down and saw the sparkling water of the moat as they passed over it, their horse’s hooves clattering noisily on the drawbridge. Tessila fort would have been an imposing structure for anyone who wasn't familiar with buildings like it, as Ara was. It had a 40 foot high wall that went in a circle 1000 yards in diameter, enclosing the keep, a keep, unlike those of most forts, with towers and buttresses. It had a year-round garrison of 500 soldiers and some 200 servants, which, while the royal party visited, was usually increased by another 100 soldiers and twice that many servants. It also had a moat, encircling the wall, and a thick drawbridge and steel portcullis.
Rows of the fort soldiers and folk were lined up to greet the royal party as they cantered into the main courtyard, a massive grassy enclosure that ringed the inner side of the wall. Ara noticed their simple, yet clean and whole clothing with appreciation, the people who kept this castle alive where well off it appeared, the rest of Netheron that she had seen wasn't nearly so prosperous if you took their dress as a measuring stick.
They were all standing on either side of the path to the keep, and as the Queen passed they all bowed and held the bow until her horse stopped before the keep's open gates where waited the lord of the castle, Meral Kemarie, a tall, slightly fat, foppish lord with an overbearing attitude that matched the Queens. He bowed stiffly before her." Welcome again, my Queen, to my humble keep."
The Queen smiled thinly and bowed back." The King's keep I should think" She sneered in reply, sweeping past him, oddly careful to not let her robes touch him.
Lord Kemarie kept his smile, but it was like it had been frozen there, now it was meaningless.
Ara leaped easily off of her horse and stood next to it, instantly a groom rushed up and politely moved to take its reigns from her, but she just turned to him and smiled." That's okay, I'll see to it!"
She grabbed her bay stallions reigns and quickly skipped over toward the stables before anyone good argue. The folk at the castle where very distant from her, in general anyway, a few weren't, but very few. She went along a small, cobblestone trail that led around the edge of the keeps southernmost tower, and right up to the small thatched building that was the stables. Quickly she slipped inside, and taking a deep breath of the warm, musty, moldy smell, put her horse in a stall.
She had always been good with horses and she took care of her bay easily, taking off his saddle and rubbing him down in only a few moments. She saw the stable hands nervously doing their own work in silence about her. Now and then she tried to make conversation, but she quickly saw that it was no use. They were as sullen and silent as ever, if not more so! She frowned, and paced back out of the stable, the hay strewn all over the stone floor crunching under her boots.
She instantly headed for her rooms, high on the west tower, opposite her mothers. 13-4-7 The castle interior was well lit and ventilated, but it was so somber, so formal, it made Ara tired just looking around.
She slipped into her suite of rooms, slamming the massive, gilded oak door shut behind her. She sighed and looked around the room, the hard stone floor was covered in a lush, colorful carpet, the walls were covered in expensive tapestries or had antique furniture backed up against them, and the massive bed in the corner of the room was a flutter with silk and lace.
It was a royal chamber, much less ornate than her one in Castle Melakune. A bit of work and it’ll be livable, she thought to herself. Just then there was a flutter of movement and someone entered the room from a side door, bowing low. It was the old maid who took care of the room, one of the less formal people in the castle, a servant who had grown old in her service.
She bowed low, her long grey hair touching the carpet, then she stood, her wrinkled old face shining and rushed forward and embraced Ara crying.” Oh Ara”
Ara smiled to herself and hugged the old woman; it felt good to have someone hug her without all the formalities. It was a hug such as she had not gotten since she had taken leave of her father, three weeks before.” It’s good to see you Mara.” She whispered.
Mara stepped back smiling toothily.” The same my dear! You have no idea how glad I am to see you!”
Ara turned to hide a smile.” So. . . . have you still got all my things that I asked you to keep?”
The old woman smiled and nodded.” Aye, I do.” Last year Ara had collected a collection of weapons and trinkets that she decided it would be unwise to show the Queen, she had asked Mara to keep them for her in the cabin that her family owned outside of the castle, deep in the forest.
“Thank you, again!” Ara said.” How’d your family doing?” She looked critically at the bed and ruffled up the sheets, the thing was looking too neat.
Mara bowed low again, her brown housewife dress sweeping the floor.” As Our Father has decreed, my dear son Jalaran fell in a battle with the Devry scarce a week after you left, then early this summer my husband caught the plague and passed on.” She said it all with a smile, but it had sad tinges to it.
Ara stared at her in shock. Mara’s husband, Kelack had been the fort’s gamekeeper, and as such had been quite friendly with Ara, her eldest son, Jalaran, had been a soldier in the fort.” I’m so sorry, Mara” She felt sorry for the old woman who had always been so kind to her, and she said the words with all her heart.
The old woman looked down at her old shoes, pulling a strand of hair out from in front of her face were it had fallen.” They are in a better place.” She mumbled.
“Well!” Ara said, trying to change the subject.” I trust Kara and Jelaran are well?” - referring to Mara’s only daughter and second son.
But she instantly regretted it, for the old woman’s face looked to be on the verge of tears.” They . . .” She began, but she instantly burst into sobs.” I cannot tell you!” She cried.
Ara put an arm around the old woman’s shoulders as she sobbed, then she put a finger under her chin and made her look up into her own eyes.” Mara, you can tell me! If there’s anything I can do to help you, I will, you know I owe you!”
But Mara shook her head.” No my dear, they are fine, they are fine!” But the words held no conviction and the despair in the old woman’s didn’t support her words.
Ara sighed to herself and decided not to press the matter, carefully she pulled her long, wavy, golden-brown hair behind her shoulders and sighed.” Okay! I’m glad to hear that.” She reassured the old woman that she’d taken the lie, and she saw with satisfaction that her face softened.” Anyway! How soon can I have my things back? And when is dinner? I’m starving!”
Jaden glared up at the moon, why did it have to come to this?! He screamed in his mind. The bitterest thing that he had ever had to face wasn’t defeat, or shame, or fear, but betrayal.
He screamed his fury into the night, the screeching cry of agony echoing through the hills. Why? Do what gods that look down on this land hate me? He cried to himself, staring up at the glorious moon. He had faced betrayal before, but it had been so long . . . he had forgotten its sting.
“JACOB!” He roared.” Your castles shall burn! Your people shall die! I will tear your eyes out of your skull!” His anger brought him beyond reason.
“Jaden, calm down!”
Jaden started and whipped around, the dewy grass squeaking under his boots, before him stood Jacob, tall and majestic, clad in armor that gleamed dimly in the moonlight. His anger flared and he slammed his sword out of its sheath and toward Jacob faster than thought, the other man’s own weapon caught his in mid-air.” Jaden!” Growled Jacob, his features ferocious.” You’re being a fool! You know it! And you know I do not fear death!”
Jaden leaped back, jerking his sword with him.” Why? Why Jacob? Why did you ally yourself to the Halavardes? Why did you build all of these secret fortresses without telling me? Why are my men forced to face Halavarde on one side, Isarua on another, and have the Nethers revolting under our very feet?” His cries were demands, angry, hateful demands. But he seemed to sag when he was done, and lowering his sword he threw his arms to either side.” Jacob, we’ve been friends for so long! I thought that the Tera Tenaru’s days of betrayal died with Skohelectro? Why must you bring them back? After so long! . . . Why?”
Jacob sheathed his sword and held up his hands.” Jaden, I’m sorry. . . . But did you ever think that the others may have had a reason to betray you? That maybe you should face the fact that you have made a mistake! And that you continue to make it?”
Jaden held up his hands and screamed in frustration, Jacob leaped backwards surprised.” You fool! The Twenty Five were held together by bonds of loyalty, friendship, honor, love! I NEVER SEVERED THEM! I alone held up my oath! Neither you, Jhanzil, nor Danerack, nor Herensword, or ANY of the others did!” His face was livid with anger.
13-4-8.
"Jaden" He roared back." We did what we had to! You know that we were an ideal! Do you seriously think that we could have kept those oaths, for as long as we've lived?"
"I did!" Jaden challenged ferociously.
Jacob threw his hands into the air." I'm sorry Jaden! All I can offer you is surrender." He said the last words without any hope, knowing that Jaden would never surrender.
"Pah!" Jaden spat." First break my oath, and then betray the dead? Is that what you would have me do?"
Jacob's face softened, and tears glistened in his eyes." Jaden! Please, surrender. I don't want to have to kill you, you know I don't! You're my friend!"
Jaden's face softened as well now and he sheathed his sword with a deep breath and stared up at the moon." I understand why you did what you did Jacob." He said calmly." You know the answer to what you ask, so don't ask it. What I don't understand is this: Why did you have to join Madren?!"
Jacob gulped and took a step back." Jaden, you can't win this war. . . . If you're not with Halavarde then you're against them. I must remember my people . . . My family. Also, you know how Halavarde works these days, Madren has the power, he protects the land form the threat of invasion, and the Arch-Dukes are the ones with the real power. I allied myself with Sillis, Skohelectro, and Melea only. I can trust them."
Jaden spat at the ground, but the fury in his voice was all gone, and when he spoke his words sounded hollow." That's not true. . . . Nobody can trust Skohel, he was the first to betray our oath. You know it!" He glanced tiredly up at Jacob." Jacob, next time we meet it will be on a battlefield. There will be no going back now. So tell me the truth! Why? Does this have something to do with your 'employer'?"
Jacob's grimace told him all he needed to know." Jaden . . ."
Jaden rounded on him." You owe me an explanation! Who is your employer? Why did he have you do this?"
Jacob held up his hands in surrender." I'm only allowed to tell you so much, so - no promises on your satisfaction." He sighed and stood next to Jaden, staring up at the moon." My employer is what one calls a Protector. Some would call him Fate itself. He, as his name may imply, protects the worlds. But he doesn't go out and fight, he doesn't choose sides. He merely keeps the balance. Our worlds are held together by a precarious balance, as you of all people should know.
He doesn't directly interfere with things, instead he chooses servants to act for him. It is my honor to be one of those." He glanced sidelong at Jaden's hard face and sighed." Jaden . . . He has decided that you are tipping the balance. That it's time that the tables turned. . . . Isarua is to be the tipping weight. . . . I'm sorry."
Jaden stared at him bitterly." You do understand that Tessila fort will be the first to burn."
Jacob's face paled visibly, even in the silvery light. There was a frantic snap of power, a flash of light, and Jaden’s sword swept through empty darkness. Jaden then turned and faced the dark woods; he had a target, finally.
Hello again! I'll just jump right in...
The character change was really abrupt. I would insert something so that the readers know you're switching perspectives.
You use "a sort of" twice in the same sentence.
Should be a comma here, not a semi-colon
I think you meant "could" instead of "good"
Okay, when you're listing long things off, and the things in the list have commas, you would use a semi-colon to divide the list items. For example : "around the room; the hard stone floor was covered in a lush, colorful carpet; the walls were covered in expensive tapestries, or had antique furniture backed up against them; and the massive bed in the corner of the room was a flutter with silk and lace."
Don't repeat "words"
This seemed a little convenient... How is Jacob there, just when Jaden decides he wants to kill him?
Who has the power? Madren or the Arch-Dukes?
More of a quick overall comment... Why would Jaden warn Jacob of where he was going to attack first? That just gives his enemy time to prepare.
I like the new character introduced, she seems like she's going to stir things up a bit. Curious to know more about the man in the woods and what's wrong with the maid's children...
And onto the next chapter!
So overall, I think the story is well written. It is entertaining at this point and has a good flow to it. The biggest problem I see is the skipping. Try to keep one chapter to one character, that will smooth out the flow of things and help keep people oriented the right way for the chapter. You also have some improper punctuation, such as the ellipsis, it should be ... <- no spaces, not . . .. Also make sure you're using it properly and not using it where a comma should really go. The ellipsis is an overused- improperly used punctuation mark where really a hyphen or a comma should go.
It is interesting that you have the characters see each other in the woods and that we see both sides of this interaction, give or take. I'd like to know a little more on the flip side, the man standing in the woods, but I don't know everything going on in the story. I'm hopping in here instead of reading through all of the previous chapters. Speaking of that, I would suggest that you shorten up how much of a chapter you post at a time. Post like half of this at a time so that it is easier to review and then put like Chapter 1.1 Chapter 1.2 etc until you get to the next chapter. This will make it quicker to read and easier to do in one sitting. That will mean you're more likely to get reviews. About 500-1000 words is good.
Hrm. Okay, thanks for that last hint, very helpful!
About the ellipses, I know that I overuse them, but if you must know I'm not misusing them. Ever read Harry Potter? Ever looked at the ellipses in those books?
Believe me, I looked into it.
I so hated how they fought. I thought that Jacob would be on his side but now it seems like he was against him the whole time. That's not nice, but I love it.
Okay so in this one you mainly have like the quotation marks in the wrong spots. But that's not a big deal. And to be honest I really didn't see any big deals in here. It's mainly like the others, but better than the others when it comes to mistakes.
I like how Jaden stand up for his oath. To me Tauren and Jaden have a lot in common. I hope they meet up soon because that would be cool. Even though they were supposed to meet up, but apparently got side tracked with other stuff. I like that.
Whelp that's all.
Okay, so Jacob isn't a bad guy, he's just practical. He does what he has to . . . he follows orders. He knows that it'll all end up well enough, so don't get him wrong.
Yeah, Jaden and Tauren are supposed to have similarities - and will eventually meet up.