The Ruins of Arluine, Eastern Caraca, Netheron.
Tauren stared about the room almost in a trance, the voice of the dead king ringing in his ears. He was committed, committed to an oath.
Detrick stared at him, his mouth open, amazement written across his face” Tauren?” He asked after a moment.
Tauren gulped.” I think I just got mixed up in some oath.”
Detrick shook his head in amazement.” You think!”
Tauren frowned.” What exactly did I promise?”
Detrick stared at him for a few more moments.” You just swore fealty some age old dead king’s voice! You idiot! Why on earth did you do that?”
“Because he had no choice”
Tauren and Detrick spun around at the sound of the deep voice and found themselves facing a tall, dark haired warrior in shining armor, a sword at his side, a green cloak about his shoulders. Their weapons where out in an instant, but Tauren quickly noticed that the man’s own weapon was still in its sheath.
“Who are you?” Detrick asked suspiciously.
The man regarded them carefully, his hard brown eyes searching them. Tauren found himself staring back into those eyes, mesmerized, they seemed to be drawing him in, asking him for his secrets, inviting him to come closer, to delve deeper into –
He held his sword up higher and tensed himself, concentrating. These ruins where anything but natural, they were filled with an ancient magic, and the last thing he wanted to do as a last action was be killed without a fight.
The man smiled softly and bowed low to them.” Welcome travelers! I am Jacob, Jacob Eterion. Lord of Vash Hazar. Who might you be to delve so deep into these sacred ruins?”
Tauren glanced at Detrick from the corner of his eye and slowly returned his sword to its sheath.” Honored to meet you . . . Lord Eterion! My name is Tauren Netharu. This is Detrick Averone . . . we were attacked by Halavardes and we ran in here . . . “He stopped, not sure if he should say any more.
“And where caught by old Arlons trap” Finished Jacob, he smiled.” Don’t worry, you can trust me. I come from Jaden Clasheron, to whom you’re bringing your . . . task.”
Detrick glanced at Tauren, not understanding.
Suddenly the small parcel in his pocket felt very heavy.
Tauren took a deep breath, and decided if this man hadn’t decided to kill them yet he probably wasn’t.” What do you want?”
Jacob sighed and looked sad.” I’m here to explain.”
“Explain what” Interjected Detrick, his hand still on his axe haft.
“Everything” Jacob answered, raising his hands.
“Don’t trust him Tauren” Warned Detrick, raising the axe slightly.
Jacob smiled thinly at Tauren and he came to a decision.” I think we can.” Then he turned back to the tall warrior “.Why don’t you start with what I just swore?” Tauren asked.
Jacob nodded, and smiled thinly, his hard face looking slightly less intimidating for a moment.” You just swore fealty to the Throne of Netheron. You see, thousands of years ago, when Our Lord created Netheron, Arreland, Halavarde and the other worlds; he made an experiment. He made it so that our worlds where not like other worlds. Each world had to have a king. Each king though was made king in a different way. Arrelands king was the man himself; he was the figurehead, the General of the Army, the political leader, and the protector. He served the people.”
Jacob began to pace slowly back and forth across the dais that the throne was on “Halavarde’s king was similar except in one important aspect. On Arreland when the people swore their oath of fealty to the king, they swore it to the king, the put themselves under his decisions. They basically said that they would trust in him, as king, to make the right decisions for them all. The king served the people. On Halavarde, it was the other way around, the people served the king. Their existence was to do as he willed them too, to live as his slaves, obeying his every whim. When they swore their oath of fealty they bonded themselves to him, the promised to do whatever he wanted whether it was good or bad. The king controlled them.”
He held up a finger “But Azquelden was an entirely different matter, on that planet, the people there where nothing. There the humans and other living, thinking beings that Our Lord created and placed there where nothing in compare with the creatures that dwelled in its forested borders. The king’s job there is to keep the people alive, to fight the creatures that threaten them, to do everything he can to make sure that they are not exterminated. The warriors of Azquelden are the finest you will find, but on their own world there is any number of creatures that could crush ten thousand of their finest warriors without even trying. The king served the people, but at the same time he served himself. When the Azquels swore fealty to their king they swore to abide by his terms, to accept what he deemed right for them, but at the same time to serve him, to respect him, and to protect him. The major difference between the Arrel and Halavarde kings and those of Azquelden is that the people serve one king at a time on Arreland and Halavarde, whereas on Azquelden the people serve the royal line, not any particular person, though the king is the head of the royal line.”
Jacob sighed and glanced at the roof high above them.” But Netheron was different in a major way. You see, the king system on Netheron was essentially the same as the Arrels, except the king wasn’t the highest authority. He swore fealty to the Throne of Netheron. He and his family swore to forever protect it, to keep it safe, to honor it.” He looked sad.” The Throne wasn’t a shrine of some sort, no. It was a symbol; it was a symbol of Our Lord, the creator. The oath symbolized that the king indirectly served Our Lord. Supposedly this was the ideal way of ruling.”
“When Madren turned against his father and invaded, the last place that Arlon held was Arluine.” Jacob stared silently around the room.” Driven by hate, by greed, and by anger, Madrens men finally broke through into the fortress and destroyed everything. This was the room where the last king of Netheron decided to make his final stand.”
Tauren stared around the room, covered in glowing plants and moss, seeing it in a new light now.
Jacob sighed.” Arlon quickly saw that his reign was over, his line was broken, and his people where crushed. So he did the only thing he could to keep his people safe.” Jacob looked even sadder than ever.” He sent one desperate message to one of the most ancient creatures this universe holds, calling for help. The creature sent back a single scrap of paper, scrawled on it was a prophecy. It told Arlon that if he did something then his kingdom would endure, just one thing. Arlon was old, he was wise, and he knew better than to question this particular creature’s advice. He instantly did what the prophecy told him too.” Jacob seemed to slowly start to get lost in his thoughts.
“What did the prophecy tell him to do?” Prompted Detrick, his axe now back in its sheath.
Jacob shook his head sadly and glanced at Detrick.” It told him to find out what the kings of The Nine Worlds that make up our solar system held most dear. It told him to . . . “His voice broke.” It told him to find those nine things, whatever they may be, and to take them from their owners, and hide them under the protection of a certain spell in the very ruins of this castle.” He stared sadly into the distance.” Arlon did it. And just as the Halavardes broke into the castle and this final battle for the kings life was being played out, Arlon released the most powerful spell of all time. He collapsed the entire castle on everything inside of it, being careful to leave a passage to this room. You always hear that Jaden practically single handedly took on the entire Halavarde army.”
“The truth was he only took on a quarter of it.” Jacob chuckled, obviously remembering something.” The other three-quarters where buried deep underground, here. With the power surge that he released in collapsing the castle he triggered other spells, ancient and forgotten. Arluine is huge. There are cavern complexes under the ruins that go for miles. You don’t want to know what kind of creatures and traps that huge amount of magic created. He sent me a final message in the last second before his own spell killed him and froze his castle in a magically induced time freeze. He told me that the first person to find the castle and get to his throne room would be caught in a spell.” Jacob looked slightly guilty.” That person would be forced to swear the oath that you swore. And it would then be their job to go and fulfill the rest of the prophecy. To return all nine objects to their owners, nothing more”
Tauren stared at him.” That’s all? What are the nine objects?”
Jacob shrugged apologetically.” I don’t really know, and I don’t think I want to. I can tell you how to find them, I promise it will be difficult, and chances are I’ll have to wait a bit longer for the next traveler to come and try, but I will not, and cannot do more.”
Tauren glanced at Detrick.” What if I don’t want to?”
Jacob smiled ruthlessly, he flicked a finger and there was a crash. Tauren spun around and saw that a massive boulder had fallen in front of the entrance to the cavern that they had come in by.” Simple, go find the first object! If you get back here alive, then you’ll be allowed to leave.”
Detrick whipped out his axe, and growled.” I happen to be a messenger with an important message. I don’t have time for fairy tales! Let us out of here or I’ll have to cut off your fingers, one by one, until you decide to.”
Tauren winced, but Jacob looked unimpressed.” So you know, boy. One of the messengers that the Earl sent has already gotten through and the Duke is now recovering from a serious battle, joining forces with my friend Jaden, and then marching to join the Earl.”
Detrick leveled his axe and grinned angrily.” I still don’t have time for fairy tales.”
Before Tauren could do anything he charged Jacob, Tauren tried to shout and draw his sword but all of a sudden time seemed to stop and he was unable to move, frozen in place.
Detrick gave a lightning fast slice for Jacobs side but the man reached out contemptuously, grabbed the haft of the axe and jerked Detrick forward, just before he hit the mossy floor he snapped his other hand down and caught him by his collar.
Tauren gasped. Either Jacob had been standing in a dip in the floor or he had grown two feet in a really, really short time.
He held Detrick up to his face, his eyes hard as stone, Detricks feet kicked futilely three feet off the ground. Slowly he drew the long, beautiful, gold inlaid sword at his belt and held it up for Detrick to see.” See this! I only like to wear it for decoration in all truth; it’s such a pretty masterpiece. All I need to beat most any soldier, is my hands, if they prove too good for my hands, then a single little twist of magic, and smash, your legs are broken.” He pulled Detrick up until his face was only inches away from the boy’s.” Don’t underestimate me boy, don’t underestimate anyone! You get into a fight you can’t win, and one day you won’t have a friend there to protect you like Tauren here. Just like your father”
Detrick paled and Tauren frowned. What was with Detricks father?
Jacob released Detrick slowly, and handed his axe back to him disapprovingly.
“Jacob.” Tauren asked, finally able to move again.” I should ask you. What should I do with the . . . packet . . . my grandfather gave me.” He glanced uncomfortably at Detrick who looked stunned.
Jacob stepped forward and laid his arms gently on Taurens shoulders, staring into his eyes.” Tauren, this is a hard world we live in. It isn’t fair on us. I once knew Jaden, just as I knew Arlon, and Edrin. Edrin knew a Jaden that existed a long, long time ago, all I can say is that that Jaden doesn’t exist anymore. He has changed, what Arlon did changed a lot of things. A lot of people were hurt. Wars were started. Innocent people died. And people changed. I’m hoping that bringing Jaden’s . . . “ he glanced up at Detrick“ relic, back to him will bring him back to how he was. But I can’t know for sure.”
Jacob sighed deeply.” Tauren, you’re not just anybody. You’re special. But remember one thing, this world is going to test you, it’s going to be cruel to you, and in the end you will have a choice to make, a final choice. And Tauren, do this universe a favor, stay who you are. Not a ‘nice’ person, or even a ‘good’ person, but a smart person. That’s who you are. You’re practical, you have the wisdom to know which choice is right and which isn’t, and you have the character to make the right choice, no matter the cost. The world will try to change you; people will expect you to be something that you aren’t. But don’t change, stay the same, and when the time comes, I think that you’ll still be able to make the right choice. No matter how much it hurts.”
Tauren didn’t like the sound of that, but he gulped and nodded.
Jacob smiled thinly.” Remember that.” He raised a finger and pointed to the wall, there was a flash of light and a door appeared, small and dark.” The Relics lie that way, you may have to travel a way, but don’t give up. Don’t get killed.”
Tauren looked away from the gaping hole, and was about to thank Jacob, but the words died on his lips as he stared into the empty air before him.
Detrick rubbed his neck and glared at Tauren.” We’d better get going.” He said curtly.
Tauren nodded, and then turned to the frozen king on the throne, bowed awkwardly, and then turning prepared for his life to begin.
“How are we supposed to see in there?” Asked Detrick, peering into the neat, rectangular doorway and hall that Jacob had made in the wall, no moss grew on its smooth marble wall and floor.
Tauren sighed.” Let’s see.” Reaching down he grabbed a handful of moss off of the floor, but the instant its roots where severed it began to fade, a moment later he only held a little handful of fluffy light blue moss. He sighed, that wouldn’t work.
“Hey, give that here.” Detrick said, reaching into his pockets and pulling out something.
Tauren frowned.” What will you do?”
Detrick chuckled.” Just give it here, I’ll show you.” He held up a tiny piece of steel that looked like a file and a small grey rock.
Tauren didn’t understand, but he handed his friend the moss anyway. Detrick took it and set it on the floor, he leaned over it.” My father taught me how to do this.” He slashed the rock across the steel, and Tauren saw a flash of sparks fly into the moss, he did it a few more times, and then suddenly, he leaned forward and scooping up the moss in both hands began to blow lightly on it. A few moments later there was a flare of flame.
“Interesting . . .” Tauren commented.” Usually we use a piece of wood on another one; we grind them together until they start to burn.”
Detrick nodded.” That’s one way to do it, but we have a lot of these rocks around our area, so we use this way.” He replaced the tools, and taking the moss, slowly pushed it onto the end of his dagger.” These are going to be some quite nice torches.”
The moss was flaring brightly, but it didn’t look like it had even started to be consumed. Tauren wrapped a handful of the moss around his own knife and lit it, and then they both grabbed an armful of the moss and turned to the door.
Tauren sighed”, I don’t like this,” and plunged into the darkness.
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Canary word: Present
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Hi! Once again gonna go in depth here.

" I think I just got mixed up in some oath.”: Don't repeat "oath"
"Detrick shook his head in amazement.” You think!”" : You need a ? here instead of !
" You just swore fealty some age old dead king’s voice!": You forgot the word "to" here in-between "fealty" and "some"
"weapons where out in an instant": "were" instead of "where"
"and the last thing he wanted to do as a last action": Don't repeat "last"
"“And where caught": "were" not "where"
"Warned Detrick, raising the axe slightly.": you repeat "raising" in this section
"Jacob smiled thinly at Tauren and he came to a decision.” I think we can.” Then he turned back to the tall warrior “.Why don’t you start with what I just swore?” Tauren asked.": Its a bit confusing to figure out who's talking in this section, maybe break it up into separate paragraphs?
"Jacob nodded, and smiled thinly": You say he smiles thinly twice in this section.
"the put themselves under his decisions": "they" not "the"
"But Azquelden was an entirely different matter, on that planet, the people there where nothing.": "were" not "where", and also, these are planets? I thought they were lands on one planet, am I wrong?
"where nothing in compare with the creatures": "were" not "where"
"” But Netheron was different in a major way.": You started the speech about the previous land in this same way, it'd probably be a good idea to switch it up.
" I happen to be a messenger with an important message." : Don't repeat same sounding words like "messenger" and "message".
In one of the last paragaphs which begins with something like "Jacob sighed deeply", you repeat a lot of the same words, for example, "right", "change" and "choice". Just go back through and reread that section to make sure you've used all the synonyms you can.
"The Relics lie that way, you may have to travel a way,": Don't repeat "way"
Alright, for an overall note, what would really help with those sentences that sound a bit awkward, like I've pointed out before in one of my reviews, is the fact that I think you're trying to replace conjunctions with commas. For example, the sentence : "Tauren and Detrick spun around at the sound of the deep voice and found themselves facing a tall, dark haired warrior in shining armor, a sword at his side, a green cloak about his shoulders." This should read, " Tauren and Detrick spun around at the sound of the deep voice and found themselves facing a tall, dark haired warrior in shining armor, *with* a sword at his side, *and* a green cloak about his shoulders."
Also, just the repeated words, there are some in there I didn't comment on because I figured a couple times was enough for you to get the hint. Just go back through and reread everything. If you still can't find some of the others I didn't point out, let me know and I'll be glad to show you.
This was once again, great! Your plot line flows really well, and your sentence structuring is definitely getting better from the first couple I read. Love it, and can't wait to read more!
This is probably my last review for tonight, but I'll be back to read the rest! :p
The flow went very smoothly when it came to the dialogue area, very nice. Also this time the sentences were well formed, made the story a lot easier to read. During the dialogue part what the characters say tells a lot about what they're like, that's a really good way to characterize, nice job. Also the cliffhangers are BOOM now, if you get what I mean. Good job.
Great work I love reading these types if stories. Interested to see how long some of these continuing stories and blogs or whatever they tend to be last. It's almost difficult to wait I see them often on here thanks for a good read.
Hey!


Thanks
I'm glad you liked it, this is actually a novel I'm writing, so hopefully it'll last a while.
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