Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
20.1
As the twilight I'll never see
Let fire burn inside of me
For in cold uncertainty
Was not where I wanted to be
What more is there left to me
A warrior in dark livery
A sword in the armory
A fire consuming a dying tree
Jaden smiled tiredly, looking down at the tiny, half-burnt slip of paper he had moments ago picked up off of the muddy campground. He couldn't remember the last time he'd read a poem. It had been years, for sure. Not since he'd last had a few hours in the Royal Library back in Itun.
Home, he sighed to himself, the soft drizzle of cold, persistent rain stinging his skin. Would he ever see his palace again. His family. Would this war drag out for another century, burning the land low once more? You could have stayed.
He shook his head, no, he couldn't have stayed. He owed Arlon, even if he was only now a memory, more than that. The Tera Tenaru had fought so hard to earn what they had. So many had died over the centuries since they'd first found themselves, untrained youths, standing on this very soil.
Of all of them, Arlon had fought the hardest. Arlon has lost the most. And in the end, Arlon had faced the bitterest demise of them all. I'm sorry old friend, Jaden whispered, slipping the piece of paper with the poem on it into a flap of his uniform.
He straightened up and gazed tiredly about the plain where he and his men, their numbers augmented by what was left of Averone's troops, had set up camp.
The once beautiful mat of golden grass which had covered the area had now been ground into the mud by marching boots, cut down and used for fires, or taken away as padding for the soldiers rest. He picked up a blade that still lay there, unharmed in the dark shadow of a tent.
“Sir!”
Slowly he glanced behind, his armor creaking weakly. One of his officers was marching up to him from the direction of the command tent that Jaden had just left. He wore a flowing red and gold cloak, red and gold painted armor and a long, wide strap of cloth across his chest which marked him as a Captain of the Information Core.
“Reports are in sir!” the man saluted stiffly, his scarred face dripping with the cold rain. He continued without being prompted to do so.” Position: Thirty-seven miles due south of Eukron Forest. Health: 87 dead, 1,213 wounded, 38,271 still in fighting shape. Scouts report no enemy activity in the area.”
Jaden nodded solemnly, Jacob's fort had been small, outnumbered, and outmatched. They'd fallen easily, and he was not surprised at the low casualties.” What of the other armies?” he asked softly, referring to the other twelve armies he had positioned in the area, all less than a thousand miles away: all under specific orders to keep him posted on everything.
“Lord Tur: Some 2,000 Halavarde Regular's camped nearby,” the officer replied briskly,” nothing of note from Lord's Ianer, Cobalt, or Kevo.”
Jaden nodded, nothing could be expected from the other, farther way generals for a few hours yet.” Go. Get yourself a drink. You've done well,” he ordered.
The man bowed stiffly and trotted away, heading for the nearby pavilion where all of the army's officers were indulging themselves in honor of their leader's most recent victory.
A victory that only made Jaden feel empty.
After his initial fury at Jacob had passed, he had only felt a cold, calculated desire for revenge. A revenge that he had satisfied; killing, practically by himself, every inhabitant of the fort.
He shook the screaming memories from his mind. He'd killed before. He'd done things he regretted. He'd alienated friends. He'd butchered innocents . . . There was no need to feel regret now. Jacob had gotten what he'd asked for, and he'd known it.
He mentally kicked himself for his regret, and looked around at the dusty gray tents that disappeared into the rain on either side, spreading away. Thousands upon thousands of them, all aligned in perfect rows.
Most people would have found it odd for a King to wander about in the rain, late in an overcast day, with no guards, no lavish clothing and armor, no slathering courtiers, no obedient servants, and none of the other things that every other king required.
But Jaden hadn't become and stayed King of Arreland for as long as he had for no reason. He believed that a King should serve the people, he should be able to look them in the eye and tell them that he'd felt their pain before. As of such, he made it a habit to make sure he felt the discomforts, pains, and worries of his soldiers. They loved him for it. They cared about him for it, and there was no campfire burning that night at which he would not be welcomed.
But he didn't want to be with anyone right at the moment.
His goal had been simple: Defeat the Halavardes, save Netheron, and then retire in peace back to Itun – and his family. But inside he only felt bitterness at how everything was going. Yes: His men were holding the Halavardes honorably. But after six weeks of battle and mayhem, they had gotten nowhere. If anything they'd been beaten back a bit.
His most recent victory – no, butchery – had, no doubt, decisively turned his oldest friend against him for good. Jhanzil. He sighed at the thought of his brother, one of the few remaining members of the Tera Tenaru who still lived that he trusted.
He had not seen the mysterious King of the Azquels in years. Last time they had met they had not parted on good terms. A month ago, the day Dracon had kicked him from his own home, he had sent a messenger to his brother, asking for assistance in his quest for Netheron. There had been no reply. Not yet.
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Hi! I see you've got a lot of other reviews on this, so I'll try to keep mine short. I wanted to ask though, I didn't see a chapter 19 in your portfolio, and I'm not sure if that's because I'm missing it, or what. Just let me know if you've got one so that I don't miss out on anything.
If he whispers this, it should be in quotes.
This was kind of abrupt, you might want to shift it to a new paragraph instead of leaving it the place it is.
Who is Dracon again? It would be nice for a little descriptor after his name.
So the King of the Azquels is Jaden's brother. Interesting.
As for the various names thing, I do agree that they should sound like they come from the same culture. However, if people would look, this is chapter twenty, and a lot of these names have been mentioned many times already. So if the previous sections were read, then the names are slowly integrated.
And I didn't have any confusion from reading this. Once again, if previous stuff was read, you'd know who was who, and what was what. Just sayin'.
Keep up the good work!
Hail fellow Tsunami Tyrant! May our victory this Review Day be as sweeping as our oceanic namesake.
Now, I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so if anything I bring up has already been addressed and justified in an earlier chapter, feel free to disregard that comment.
First things first: that poem needs to be formatted better. It just looks horrendous the way it's currently spaced out, and the lack of punctuation makes the piece read nonsensically. The rhyme also was quite forced in places, but since this is a poem written by another random character, I'll give that particular issue a pass. Unless the poem is going to be lauded as a great work in which case, I'd recommend posting up the poetry bits for critique to make them as good as they can be so that the poetry being lauded doesn't come off as incongruously ridiculous.
You also tend to use adverbs heavily, and it severely weakens your writing. The most obvious example is this sentence:
Aside from there being two adverbs in this short sentence, the act of glancing is by nature quick. Slowly glancing at something is not possible as "slowly" contradicts the quick nature of a glance. While adverbs are quite useful, overusing them reduces their effectiveness and can actually cripple your writing, as it has done in this sentence. Instead of relying on adverbs, I'd recommend relying more on vivid verbs. "Glance" is quite a vivid verb by itself, and so adverbs aren't necessary to modify it.
Building on Elo's comment about name-dropping, there is also very little consistency in the names. You have Jaden and Janzil as brothers, but their names do not look or sound like they come from the same culture, and while this may be deliberate, it could go either way considering you have names ranging from Jacob to Tur to Cobalt. There is no sense of "these names come from the same culture", and it's a detail you may want to consider putting more thought into the names, especially since it appears that the conflict is based on cultural differences. The names should help reinforce this difference and conflict, rather than muddle it.
Hey, Nether! Blues here. *stretches rusty reviewing muscles*


I liked your story - I found interesting and i'm definitely intrigued to know more about their world. He seems like an interesting character. I haven't read your previous chapters though, so I won't be focusing on plot here.
Okay. Let's jump straight into the critique:
One of the things I noticed at first was that there were loads of names of different places in here; too many for me to actually remember. When so many names are thrown into the story, it makes it difficult for the reader to remember and understand, even if they have a meaning to the reader.
Speaking of confusion... I felt that there was too much of that here. What's going on? What's what? Who's who? To me, it felt a little like me reading something about neutrinos and bosons and their properties while I'm still learning about the components of an atom. (terrible analogy xD) It makes sense, yes, but it's a bit confusing because there's so much information being given.
Also, I think I would've liked there to have been a little more showing and less telling. I don't know if you've showed this already but at the moment it seems like we're being info dumped a little bit. Thus, it doesn't make the chapter exactly as interesting as it could be - especially I assume, after a battle.
Anyway that's all from me! I hope I helped and if you've got any questions, you know where to go.
- Blues.
ED here to review!
Hey, this isn’t too long---at least not for me. You probably could have posted them as one and it would have been fine.
But then… I would have only one review done and not two, heh…
First off, I liked the pace. Things flow smoothly from sentence one. Nothing is jarring or distractcing.
That being said, nothing is really that orignal either. I would have liked to see more variation in the prose. Simple things like vocabulary, sentence structure (openers, cadence, etc.)
Just try and change things up a bit, keep things interesting.
The thing I liked the best is that you chose “the king” as your main character. That’s unusual, and difinetly something new. Have at it I say!
Anyways…
This here stood out to me:
This is a very sudden transition… and the reader is suddenly yanked out of the story and forced to switch gears. I would just try and make the break a little more “fluid” or something, if I were you.
The only other thing that bothered me is that, believe it or not, you’ve fallen into one of the biggest “tropes” of fantasy writers. Tropes meaning something that should really be best avoided. And that is…. (Ominous music here)
The terrible, NAME DROPPING!!! (Dun dun dun duuun)
What is name dropping you ask? Well, it’s mostly when an author throws in so many made up and generally unpronounceable names in the first paragraph or chapter of the story that the reader’s head is left spinning.
e.g., “The Tyhlzixx were extraterrestrial beings from the planet Zarrchoposioun, and Talimazx was sure they were going to eat him.”
Obviously, you didn’t go THIS far overboard, but still… invented names can become tongue twisters, and they bog down the story. My advice? Try to limit the names you use per paragraph/chapter… take your time, you can introduce us to your world slowly. Also, you could pick names that sound a bit more familiar to your average reader, maybe even use some “earth-names” that could work in a fantasy setting.
Anyway, hope this helps. Keep up the good work.
-ED