Tauren and Detrick gazed about the room in amazement; the room was huge, hundreds of yards long, and every inch of it was covered in glowing moss and plants. Tauren heard sounds among the low shrubbery, the sounds of small animals running from them in fright, a sound he was used to in the forest.
Suddenly they froze, at the far end of the room were the figures of at least twenty men, all standing, behind them a massive, moss covered throne with yet another figure seated in it. Tauren whipped an arrow to the string of his bow, but Detrick put a hand on his arm.
“I don’t think they’re alive.” He whispered, the tone seeming appropriate for this room, this tomb.
Tauren stopped himself, and saw that his friend was correct, the men at the far side of the room were covered in moss, only glints of their armor and ready weapons, and they were frozen.
Then he noticed something else about them, there were two lines of men, standing opposite each other, swords, axes, and assorted weapons readied as though they were in the process of killing each other when they had been frozen.
Then he noticed something else, and it all fell into place.” This was the throne room”, he whispered,” Half of those men there are Halavardes, they attacked those others. That’s the king in the throne there I’d wager. And then . . . “He trailed off, not sure what had happened next.
Detrick shifted and sighed.” And then they froze.” He looked sad.
By silent agreement, they kept their weapons ready as they paced across the moss to the other side of the room, trying to keep the sound at a minimum so as not to disturb the echo’s caused by the massive room whose roof simply went into darkness, fading out of reach out of the soft moss-light.
Tauren stopped next to one of the men and carefully edged around him, pulling his cloak with him so as not to get it caught on the mans lowered spear. He appeared to have been in the process of giving a heavy stab at the man facing him, his face, clear of moss, was clean shaven, and savage, lips curled back, eyes filled with hatred.
A corner of his cloak showed through the moss on his back identifying him as a Halavarde.
Detrick scraped a handful of moss from one of the defenders faces, reverently, as though not wanting to de-sanctify the dead. He sighed.” I think I believe that this is that Arluine you mentioned. I’ve never seen this coat-of-arms; this place is huge, magical, and it is completely inexplicable that I’ve never heard of it before.”
Tauren shook his head.” But why haven’t you? I grew up with Arrels, I don’t doubt they told me the truth, but I’m certain they withheld something. My grandfather did too.” He felt a flash of anger, why would they do that?” Do they want to forget the past? The always told me that the past makes the present. . . . Are they that ashamed of the present?”
“Or afraid of the past”, Suggested Detrick grimly,” the way these men froze, I’d bet that it took a while for this castle to fall apart and all this moss to grow. They could have been dead since the castle was destroyed.”
Tauren frowned.” Maybe they’re not dead? Just frozen.”
Detrick shook his head.” We are dealing with magic, so who knows.
Tauren shook his head in frustration.” They’ve been out of life for a while now; I doubt it will make any difference with us passing through. They’ll just sleep on till the end of time. There’s not really anything we can do.”
“Other than find answers for all this.” Detrick added.” I’d give a lot right now to know a bit more about this place and what was going on here when this happened.”
Carefully Tauren turned and walked up to the throne, walking carefully. Walking on my grave? The thought flashed through his mind in an instant and he gritted his teeth, this was strange, and creepy.
Detrick was only a step behind him.
Slowly he started to go up the throne’s massive steps, being careful to keep his leather boots from clicking on anything.
“Tauren, look at your feet!” Detrick suddenly whispered violently from behind him.
He started, and then noticing that it wasn’t a cry of alarm, he glanced at his feet, and gasped. He had scuffed his boot on one stair and scratched off a bit of the soft moss, underneath of it gleamed . . . gold. He bent down and scraped a bit more away, the entire throne was gold; he also saw precious stones embedded in it, rubies, diamonds, emeralds, every imaginable gem.
Detrick scraped off a bit of moss on the floor behind Tauren and sighed.” Gold here too, I’m starting to think this entire room is made of gold. Do you have any idea how much money we have here?”
Tauren shook his head.” I don’t think it’s ours, and even so. I don’t think I want to try to take any of it.” He glanced nervously at one frozen man beside him, sword raised over his head, savage war cry half smothered in moss, green cloak intact still. He half expected him to keep up with the swing and cut Tauren in half.
Slowly he turned and faced the throne, the figure sitting on it was tall, quite tall, wide shouldered, and, surprisingly, he didn’t have a speck of moss on him.
One would have expected an old man, wise and withered, sitting there. But instead there was a young man in place of the expected, he looked almost alive, wide blue eyes alert, a slight, triumphant smile creasing his perfect skin, long black hair flowing behind him.
Tauren winced, he looked so life-like, yet he wasn’t. He appeared to be hardly a day over twenty, but he didn’t know quite what to expect in this magical room.
His clothes were simple, a warriors clothes, the same as the men who had frozen defending him, and if it hadn’t been for the beautiful thin, jewel encrusted crown on his brow, Tauren would probably have mistaken him for a common soldier in the kings throne.
“Tauren” He heard Detrick’s un-urgent warning, and turned to see his companion pointing grimly at the wall.
He turned and there saw to his surprise that the moss was moving, peeling back to leave an open space of wall about twenty feet long and the same high. The wall behind it appeared to be some kind of wood, dark, beautiful, so shiny it seemed like marble, in perfect condition, no marks visible.
Welcome Traveler. Tauren jerked his bow up, but there was nothing to shoot, the voice had come from the wall just as much as it had come from some inner recess of his mind.
Detrick lowered his axe and glanced at Tauren, what was it now?
“Long have I waited for you to arrive “. The voice continued, young and friendly,” And as you have come, I shall tell you what I ask you to do, I shall tell you why, and I shall tell you who it is who asks you to do this.”
I am Lord Arlon Netharuil, Emperor of Netheron, Lord of Arreland, Sword of the Trusty, and Friend to the Weak.
In the last desperate moments of the war, as our castle burned about us, as our last Warriors defended us to the bitter end, I came to a decision. No matter what may happen to me, I shall not lose this fight. I may die, but my son may not have my kingdom.
About you, you no doubt see the effects of what I did that day.
For you see, I found myself in a powerful position. I had in my hands at that moment the Nine Relics of Imrahia; I did not know it till my last warriors stood about my throne, fighting to the last.
Before you is the Throne of Netheron, power seat of this world. Should this was lost, then Netheron would cease to exist, and I could not allow that to happen. I simply cannot imagine everything I have fought for in my many years going to nothing. I will not dishonor the dead.
So, I did what I had to. I took the nine relics and I hid them, all over the kingdoms.
I knew that their owners would search for them with all their might, and that they would do anything to get them. But, I have a trap laid I am afraid. To find the relics, one must swear eternal loyalty to the Throne of Netheron. And only then will the knowledge be revealed to you. Otherwise there is no hope of them ever being found.
Therefore I call upon you, wayward traveler, to swear this oath before me.
May you be warned, there will be no turning back, once you have sworn, it is to your death.”
Tauren gulped.
“You are warned.
Hail King of Netheron
I hereby do swear to forever abide by the law
To obey your orders without question
To honor you forever
To ensure that the throne forever stays safe
And should Netheron ever need me
I swear to do all I, as a man, can to fulfill that need
I swear to live with nothing less than the best
I swear to bring the Throne to every glory I can see
I do swear this for life
On my life, on all I hold dear, and upon this world’s fate.”
“Tauren”! Detrick gasped.
Tauren stood there aghast, not realizing he had just repeated what the mysterious voice had said.
But the voice wasn’t done yet.
“Traveler, this world now rests on your shoulders, my pardon for doing this to you. But what must be done, must be done, fulfill your duty. Honor the glorious dead. And when your time may come, may you find a place for you in our halls”
The voice echoed about the room, seeming to trail away.
Tauren sighed, what had he done?
Hi! Just a quick review...
I think a lot of the mistakes have been caught already by the person who edited before me, so I just have a few general comments.
You're a bit wordy in some areas, cutting down the descriptions a little might help with this. Only describe the things that will help further the storyline, small details that don't affect the main character aren't necessary.
Also, your sentences can be a bit long. Cut them up a little, add some connectors, just generally find a way to increase the flow of the entire work. The plot line so far has been great, and if the choppiness could be fixed, this would be so much better!
The reaction of the main character can sometimes be a little unrealistic. For example, at the end here, you have Tauren sighing because he just repeated the oath. However, he'd probably be majorly freaking out about it, and trying to ask the voice questions about exactly what just happened.
Overall, this was great! I read everything from the prologue up until this point, and I'm planning on continuing along with Tauren's journey and editing the rest of the content you have posted!
Let me know if you've got questions!
Thanks for the review!
NP!
huuum again, semi-colons.
the repetition of "the room" isn't needed. you can say "the room in amazement. It was huge..."The comma isn't needed.
Taking what you have written about them into account (that they were facing each other in two lines), wouldn't it be more that they were about to attack each other?
This is very...how would you say it... reglementary. It's as if you're writing a report. Maybe say "trying to make as little noise as possible.
The bit that comes after this doesn't really make much sense. What echoes? Their movement makes sound, so there'll be echos, but were there already echoes? If so, you'll need to say so. Also, you don't need to have an apostrophe on echoes.
Apostrophe needed on man's.
They always told me, no?
little s on "suggested", it's after a comma, not a full-stop.
Comma instead of full-stop.
"His clothes were simple: warrior's clothes" is probably better.
You need a comma after beautiful.
"on" instead of "in" and an apostrophe for king's, probably a capital letter too. King is a title.
un-urgent isn't a word. Try "quiet warning", or "calm warning".
Unless you're going for a Yoda sort of voice, the sentence should be structured like this: "I have waited a long time for you to arrive, the voice continued"
Unless this King can teleport, then this is pretty unlikely as he says that he only realised that he had the relics when the fight that in now frozen in the room started.
Again, Yoda voice. "a voice" should go after laid (which should actually be set)
Stays forever safe.
Full-stop instead of comma.
Ahh, we finally learn of the quest that Tauren will have to follow. Have to say, it was pretty mean of the King to make him repeat the oath. Either you meant the King to have a Yoda voice, or it just came out that way...
Again, semi-colons and apostrophes where they are needed.
Hope I helped and keep writing!
Auxiira^^