Hello, here as requested! I'm going to start with pulling out things which grab my attention as I read through an then I'll talk more about general things like themes/ length at the end.
Specifics
1. Nice title - the alliteration is fun and spectre is a much cooler word than ghost and immediately gives me a good, spooky vibe.
2.
A quick skim down shows me you're using present tense elsewhere and I think that's perfect because my immediate reaction to this line is make it present tense. So it should be 'If you ever wander to the small town of Diant' [I dropped a syllable to be closer to the next line) or perhaps 'Should you ever wander through the small town of Diant'.If you ever wandered into the small town of Diant
Which means this should be stop instead of stopped. Nice half rhyme!And stopped for a hot meal, some talk and a pint
3. So your rhythm is a little off because some of the lines run too long and I think if you aimed for a more set pace this could be really wonderful. For example, I'm going to do a side by side comparison. I hope you don't mind me playing with your words!
If you ever wandered into the small town of Diant
And stopped for a hot meal, some talk and a pint
You would find naught that piques the mind.
But if you buy the old men something stronger than a cold beer
You would find a story few would like to tell but many to hear
A legend, no; a myth really, of darkness that lay very near.
Should you ever wander through the small town of Diant
and stop for a hot meal, some small talk and a pint
you will find naught that piques the mind.
But if you buy them something stronger than a beer
there is a story few like to tell but great to hear
a legend, no; a myth of darkness close behind.
I thought the call-back rhyme could be fun as well, though then you'd need to consider doing this all the way through. You asked me before about the length though and the way to make a long piece effortless to read is with a strong rhythm - that's why the ballad format was invented and I'm a huge fan of them.
4.
I don't think these lines are adding much to the story or the poem and could easily be cut. I'm enjoying the sort of rambling feel of the old men but we'd really like something spooky since that's what you've promised us and this is taking a while to get there.But only a fool, would dive head first into a waterfall.”
He would say with a meaningful look.
“Well where was I? damn boy doesn’t know wheat from rye.
5.
Where you switch to the shorter lines here it's a bit awkward. Try to avoid that unless it's to change the pace and then it needs to be a really clear, firm shift with a clear impact.When she found work,
as a seamstress or a cook,
I can’t remember.
she was quietly told to leave, come september;
For her scars and her dead smile
made the others tremble inside.
6.
This has a nice beat to it - good work.The son with the pox, and the mother with a sliced wrist from a tin lid.
7.
This section is really great. The line about the daughter hanging herself from the tree perhaps feels like it's a little forced to make the rhyme since it's hanging two lines in a row but the rhythm is strong so you can get away with it.What has been done to you, I’ll double it in a minute !
“What can you do to me, that hasn’t been already done by man,
I’ve been stripped , flogged ,sewn and laid open again.
My oldest son, left to hang till he tore his arms free,
My daughter hung herself from a tree.
Their father’s dead body I loaded into a truck,
But I lived on, curse my luck.
What can you do that they didn’t do in block 11,
8.
The break in rhythm again here and the flow over of the days after seven is a really big drop off. Try to avoid doing this as in a long poem you can't afford to lose the reader's interest even for a moment.When they stuck me in a standing cell for seven
days, forgot all about me until they needed more space.
Overall
I like the ending and I like how you used the picture prompt - I think that was clever and the knowledge of the woman still lingering in the graveyard is really nice.
The thing you really need to work on with this poem is the rhythm and the consistency. There's a difference between using half rhymes and having a slightly up and down flow and then what you have here which is jerking in and out of different structures.
In terms of changing this into a short story or shortening this, I think the length could be trimmed a small amount but not much more than those lines I suggested cutting. The rest could be tidied and you'd have a nice ballad style poem. Shorter ballad poems are still quite popular today! Whenever I did readings in my group, people were always asking for my ballad of botany bay because people love a good story-poem.
On the story side, this could be a ghost story, yes but I think you'd need to flesh out the details more and also more carefully research what happened to Jewish families during the war. The part about the people she has lost was a bit muddled and that's fine in a poem because it's lines flashing by and the sound of them makes up for when the words may not quite fit. In a short story though people are going to be much more focused on whether you're handling the material correctly and you have to work a bit harder on crafting something which is accurate and compelling.
In all honesty, I think poetry might be the better form for this. Ghost stories these days which are successful are usually comical or very heavy, spooky, psychological. This poem is able to be both of those things but doing that in a short story is more difficult because you have to go into more detail and once you do that and start making what happened to this woman real and awful, it's hard to also make a joke of that without it feeling like it's in bad taste.
I hope that helps! Are there any more questions you'd like me to try and address or any part you'd like a closer reading of?
~Heather
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
Donate