out of breath
Do we hide from the stars at night
tucked in blankets of smoke we created
in bright cities which lack moonlight
Venturing out from under it with bated
breaths we wish away our time, baited
into camps by dim fires near broken fences
Perhaps just like when we write wasted
poems instead of speaking in long sentences
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The form is called a huitain, and I was thinking of getting some feedback before deciding whether to expand by adding similar sized stanzas.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hello Traves, I saw this poem in the green room and I thought I'd drop by for a review!
I haven't heard of huitains before, but I really like the structure! From what I can tell, the rhyming scheme is ababbcbc, and there doesn't seem to be a strict syllable count. I think you've pulled off the rhyming pretty well, and none of it feels forced. That being said, a couple of the rhymes aren't quite perfect.
Wasted doesn't really rhyme with the other "b" words, which isn't a huge deal, but if you're looking to improve the poem I'd recommend trying to strengthen the rhyme.
Also to do with rhyming, I really love how you rhyme "bated" with "baited"! I'm not sure if there's a requirement for the poem structure to rhyme two phonetically the same words, or if it was a personal choice, but it works really well. I don't usually enjoy repetition or rhyming a word with itself, but in this case, it sort of broke me out of the poem enough to pause and think about what I was reading.
Another very minor critique I have is about lack of punctuation. I have nothing against it as a stylistic choice, but I'm not sure about your choice to capitalize the beginnings of would-be sentences.
By capitalizing the "v" in "venture" you imply that the earlier sentence is ended, but there isn't a period. I would personally suggest cutting out capitalization or adding some punctuation, but that is just a preference so if you like it how it is then that's totally up to you.
Along the same lines, it feels like the beginning sentence is a question, but it is left incomplete without a question mark at the end. Again this could be a stylistic choice but I think it would be stronger with a question mark.
I really enjoy some of the imagery used in this short poem, such as -
This line contrasts the positiveness of the verb "tucked in" with a more negative idea of light pollution in cities (at least that's what I think you're talking about). It's really powerful when a writer contrasts two different feelings to emphasize an idea.
Overall, this is some really strong poetry and I'd love to read some additional stanzas! I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Thanks for the detailed review! I'll keep these points in mind if I make the next draft.
Hey, there. I saw this poem and decided to hop over and check it out.
You have some interesting ideas going on. The mood is set well, so that's a plus. Your choice of words is nicely poetic without being flamboyant and hard to understand. However, I personally think the way it is formatted makes it a bit choppy. Mostly it flows well, but it sort of hiccups in the lines "Venturing out from under it with bated breaths we wish away our time, baited into camps by dim fires near broken fences." So I like how you've used both the words "bated" and "baited," but their placement, each at the end of consecutive lines, felt a little odd to me. But, that could all just be my personal take on it. It's really not bad, though.
Another thing I would suggest is using clear punctuation. I know that lack of punctuation is all part of certain styles, but some end punctuation at least would be helpful.
Well, I applaud this work, and encourage you to keep writing.
Thanks for the review! Why did it feel odd to you?
I suppose I could say it just doesn't flow the way I'm used to.