When your coloured words lack any flavour new,
and don’t even limp, they which used to fly;
you want others’ eyes to shine and they do—
not from a long laugh but from a mild cry.
`
Your ideas walk the plank in a meek slaughter,
the storm in your head isn’t helping rather
wild winds whip weak words into deep water.
Don’t waste your time praying to the Father.
`
Abandon your ship, this is not a drill
Before you go, take a bucket of brine,
light a fire, boil the water, and be still,
get some pure salt as the good stars align.
`
Row your boat and wave at dots on the shore,
clear water shining like never before.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Hi. This is kman134. I'm here to review your poem.
I like the way this poem is like a rap song, drawing pain and sorrow while combining imagery and metaphors into each stanza. I can see how the Rhyme does seem like an attempt at trying to do a sonnet (read some of the reviews). the scheme of it, though, helps express your unique take on poetry and aides in bringing flavor to your poem and your own individuality.
"Abandon your ship, this is not a drill.
‘fore you sit, take a bucket of your brine.
Light a fire, boil the water, and be still.
The salt’s ready when you rise, all is fine.
`
Row your boat and wave at dots on the shore,
clear water shining like never before."
the third stanza gave the sense of abandonment but to also stay put as something better will come in a next life. The ending, although ambiguous and enigmatic, reminded me of that old nursery rhyme "Row your boat" but with a much more complex structure. it never tells you if it is looking for a brighter future or a darker one.
Anyways. this was pretty good. can't wait to read more your work.
Thanks!
Hello Traves!
I like the rap-like meter you have in the second paragraph. Though I am not a fan of change in rhyme schemes in every paragraph, yet the poem didn't come that improper or distasteful as it could have in my imaginations. I appreciate your courage to experiment with the rhyme schemes. I am more of a free verse writer but I love incorporating new literary devices for learning's sake.
I love the dots representation of people.
"Row your boat and wave at dots on the shore
Clear water shining like never before."
Again I love the metaphorical representations in the lines:
"Your ideas walk the plank in a meek slaughter
the storm in your head isn’t helping rather
Wild winds whip weak words into deep water
Don’t waste your time praying to the Father."
The poem is overall short and sweet, and definitely a lovely read for people like me who are ready to waste their precious hours for cherishing the love of poems and are always in a hunt of such good reads.
The rhyme scheme is there because I tried to write a sonnet
Apologies for not getting it.
And the second last line is a reference to the Porcupine Tree song "buying new soul"