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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Heya, Traves, Casanova here to do a review for you!
First thing is first, I'm having trouble seeing why you did the white space the way you did. Usually when we do white space experimentation it's to show flow, or to be in the shape of something that's unique in the poem. I remember one of mine was about butterflies, so I made them in the shape of butterfly wings, but this is just me and I could just be missing the point.
The next thing that I'm having trouble understanding is why you continue to just go through the poem listing out your imagery. It doesn't really have that much emotion attached to it, and it just feels like you're just putting the images out there to be seen, but not to be felt, and this was a big bummer for me. Like, when I read your images, I wanted to put myself in the shoes of the narrator, but I couldn't exactly do that because I couldn't feel what I was reading.
One thing that I believe could help with that is ton- tone is very special whenever it comes to poetry. It can usually break or break your poem, and I think that I would like to see this one bumped up a bit.
By far, I think that my favourite part of this poem is the very last stanza- it's simple, to the point, but also contains something almost everyone can relate to, so I think I'll give you props for that.
All in all I think you have a good poem idea here and I would like to see it brought up. Thank you for sharing.
Sincerely, Casanova
Thanks for the review Casanova !
I agree with your criticism. I'm afraid the poem turned out like this partly because I stuck to the title too seriously
I'll pay special attention to tone now onwards. Any suggestions for good resources or good poems which demonstrate the power of tone?
Hey! My name is Sophie and I am here to review your work!
This poem is so amazing as it contains so much emotion!
I love the format of it and there seems to be no errors. I love the underlying feeling. To continue why I love this poem, the language used is incredible!
For example, "When you grow tired of tomes go looking for whispers in loud rooms" This really shows the need for hidden knowledge. At least thats what i see.
May i suggest commas at the end of each line? I think it might help it flow better.
Maybe at the beginning, after "all" add a question mark to add in feeling.
Anyways, this is a beautiful poem. You did a lovely job writing it.
Thanks for writing!
-Sophie S, reviewing
Good job and per usual, Write On!
thanks for the review Sophie S!
Hey @traves, hope you are fine...
It's amazing.it has so many emotions In it and they are so well defined. I loved it... Great work.... Keep it up...
Yes I'm fine and thanks!
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day.
Okay so I'm going to jump right into the review.
Now this poem is really really good. But I did see one thing that needs to be fixed. It was this.
Now this is some real powerful words, so much emotion in them, so all I think that needs t be fixed is that a question mark needs to be put after the word in bold. I think it will just add a little more feeling into it.
Now time to talk about what I like.
I think this poem was very well written and I'm glad to say your spelling was all good, and the flow was really nice. Not much of the poem rimed, but that's fine with me, I think it goes better with out it riming.
I guess what I like about this poem is that it's telling such a emotional story, and it makes the reader feel the same way.
Over all I think you have done a really great job here and I can't wait to see more of your works out on YWS. I'm make sure I'll watch out for them. I really enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to read the next one. I hope you never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
I used to be Shikora.
Thanks a lot for the review Shikora!
Your welcome!