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Drawings

by SpunkyMonkey


There was a girl

Who taught me to draw

She drew in secret, behind closed doors

Her drawings were vivid and expressed agony

She taught me to draw one starry night

High above a river, I looked down, hypnotized

She pulled me away from the depths of darkness

Then ripped off her hoodie and showed me her wrist

A whisper floated through the air

'I draw'


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Wed Oct 06, 2021 12:12 am
SadboyJay wrote a review...



hi i im here to drop a review on one of your works

so here we go

First off this was a wonderful poem about a girl that knows how to draw and thats good cause some people don't really make poems about people drawing but this was the first one i ever read about girl drawing and what i had read was when you said the girl knows how to draw and this was pretty impressive about a girl

My Compliment is the girl might had some talent and thats why she taught them people on how to draw and this is my first time reading a poem like this and i wanna know the girl name instead of calling her girl you made one up yet

how you can improve is start making a character that goes with the poem cause you called her a girl so this is why i asked cause she was called a girl so this was the reason why i asked you


Keep writing have a good day writing!!

~Jay~




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Sun Oct 03, 2021 1:10 am
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aooborromeo wrote a review...



Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review. So... let's get started.

Mood, Tone, Perspective, Themes, and Narrative

My god... this poem is so simple yet so profound. This little metaphor of a girl who draws and then the implied twist of her "drawings" being cutting scars. This poem speaks volumes about mental health and how horrible the feelings and impulses that come with it are.

The theme of horror, anguish, agony, and mystery really resonates with readers from your wording. This theme of mental health and depression is so important to me in particular due to having experienced this myself. I'm pretty open about talking about mental health and my own experiences with self harm, and this truly is so relatable and heartbreaking it's just beautiful. I loved it.

This pure narrative of a bystander or friend and then the changing mood that highlights this bystander's shock at what she was really "drawing". This is lovely.

That ending is so chilling and so simple yet it's so beautiful. And you said "there was a girl" so that makes me think, is the girl dead? There is so much open interpretation which I really love for a poem like this.

Language, Diction, and Style

The thing about poetry is that sometimes flowery words and intricate vocabulary really add some other layer to the poem; but here the simplicity is so crucial to it's success. Everything is so easy to follow. The word choice allowed readers of any level to truly feel what you're trying to say. I love this little metaphor of "drawing" and what it really meant. It was well thought out. If you had overwhelmed this delicate poem with unnecessary figurative language, it would have been a detriment. Keeping it simple, short, and sweet added a whole new depth.

I just love utilizing vague metaphors like this one as a buffer or cover up to something terrifying. If you've read some of my poetry, I often times utilize that technique to tell sad stories. So I just love this.

However, like what @FireEyes and @alliyah mentioned, this could be expanded with more imagery. I would love to see some descriptions of the girl's mental or physical state. Maybe the "drawings". Just remember if you choose to expand it, up the rating to 16 or 18+ for our young members. Just remember to stick to that vague metaphor since it works so well.

Structure, Flow, Rhythm

One of the key differences between poetry and other forms of writing is how the words flow and sound together. Your rhythm and flow is a bit off. Here, I think a more consistent rhythm and maybe even a rhyme scheme if possible could add another layer to this poem. That's just up to you. Who knows, it might be fine just the way it is and I might be just plain old picky.

Your enjambment needs some adjusting in my opinion and some punctuation like periods would add emphasis to certain points.

For example

There was a girl

Who taught me to draw

She drew in secret, behind closed doors

Her drawings were vivid and expressed agony


Instead how about
"Once there was a girl,
who taught me how to draw.
She drew in secret,
behind closed doors.
Her drawings were vivid,
and expressed with agony."

That's just my example. You can experiment or just leave it. Like I said these are just suggestions.

or

She taught me to draw one starry night

High above a river, I looked down, hypnotized

She pulled me away from the depths of darkness

Then ripped off her hoodie and showed me her wrist

A whisper floated through the air

'I draw'


"She taught me to draw,
one starry night.
High above a river,
I looked down hypnotized.
She pulled me away,
from the depths of darkness.
Then ripped off her hoodie,
and showed me her wrist.
A whisper floated
through the air.
'I draw' "

This enjambment to me would make a more consistent and refined rhythm, but that's all up to you. You can use this, experiment on your own, or keep it the way it was. It's your poem.

Since there was a little ABAB rhythm in that stanza I just mentioned, maybe at the end have the girl say "I draw, do you care?" Or something like that. Something more heartbreaking after the "I draw" but it's also lovely just the way it is. Maybe italicize that last "I draw" dialogue to create a bigger scene on that speaking line of the girl.

Grammar

Grammar wise, there really isn't much. It is a pet peeve of mine when lines that are utilizing enjambment or are a part of the same sentence all are capitalized. It's something a lot of us forget when typing things up. So maybe look into that. Periods and commas would be helpful here for flow purposes and emphasis so maybe consider those.


Final Words

Overall beautiful poem. This resonates so deeply from me being a survivor from suicide and self harm. Yes, I am extremely healthy now. If this is personal to you or someone you know, they/you are not alone. It's not over. Help is out there. Happiness can be found no matter how difficult. Keep fighting.

I hope you like my review.

Enjoy your October!

~Via




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Fri Oct 01, 2021 3:53 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



This poem is sort of haunting, though I think the metaphorical way that you address such heavy subjects sort of buffers them for the reader so that it's not quite so emotionally hitting, which in the case of really heavy poems is sometimes actually good because they can help people approach the subject in new ways.

I had a little bit of difficulty figuring out the meaning of the narrative / metaphor, and if not for the content warning, I don't think I would have made the connection from the pulling from darkness to the attempted su*cide theme that is mentioned. It's unclear to me exactly what's happening in this poem and whether the girl that the speaker meets is a positive force or negative force, herself, or an angel, or something else entirely.

There's a few different interpretations I think that this poem could go.
1) My first thought was that the speaker finds relief from literal drawing, even though it takes some sacrifice for the girl to give her this gift, and it helps the speaker find relief from the agony/darkness that they find themselves in.
2) My second interpretation, based on the trigger warnings, is that "drawing" and the note about the wrist, means in this case self-harm, and that the action of self-harm offers relief from the despair the speaker feels, and so they continue to do it even in secret. This is a hard interpretation for sure, because in some sense the poem could be interpreted as the speaker seems to have a positive outlook on this self-harm which is not a take that is often portrayed, and is quite uncomfortable to read I have to say.

suggestions
I think one aspect that you could maybe delve into a bit more is the imagery - I think in some sense it's good to be vague in this to keep the ambiguity of what exactly the drawings are, but there are so many opportunities here for a bit of imagery expansion to really make the poem sparkle from the river to the stars, I think there's room to go a bit deeper with some of those images.

I also am so curious about who the girl is - there's so many different interpretations that it could go, again ambiguity may be useful and interesting, but I think giving some more clues to the reader on the girl's identity or even just whether she's trustworthy, benevolent or something else would be good in helping the reader connect to the content I think.

highlights
I think the metaphor and the setting are both so rich with symbolism and very inventive, especially that image of being above a river and looking down - I would never think to place a speaker of a poem above a river! That's really creative, and paints quite a scene. The poem is also very moody without needing to be very long at all which is definitely a skill - I think there's room for expansion, but maybe also room for a sequel if you want to maintain the concise nature of this one.

(also don't know if any of this is written from personal experience of things you or a friend are struggling with, but there's a list of different resources here that may be helpful here) <3

let me know if you had any questions about my review, & I hope you have a great day! Thank you for writing & sharing!

~alliyah




SpunkyMonkey says...


Thank you so much for your review! I%u2019ll definitely try and refine my poem!



alliyah says...


You're welcome! Thanks for sharing it!



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Fri Oct 01, 2021 1:17 am
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TypoWithoutCoffee wrote a review...



This is gem climbing out of her coffee mug for a quick review.

Hi Spunky, I will be reviewing a work for you today.

This poem is relatively short and I did not find any spelling errors or gramatical errors. So to dive further into the review I will be exploring your metaphors, here we can see if the poem properly communicates what you intend it to sense this poem seems to be short in a purposeful fashion.

In my opinion this poem is highly metaphorical. I really like it, metaphors are one of my favorite devices used in figurative language. The metaphor that catches me the most however is easily unnoticed. It caught me on the very first line.

"There was a girl"

As in 'was' not 'is'. Now, here my mind immediately began taking notes. It may have even taken things to seriously and started making things you didn't intead to be metaphorical into metaphors but who knows. I found a few of them. :>

The term draw seemed to be being use as a metaphor for harm inflicted, which I thought was interesting. This seemed to suggest that it was creative, or that it started at a young age. Drawing being the innocently portrayed verb it is I think it was an amazing choice of metaphor in this instance.

Closed doors could stand for a lot of things besides just portraying walking holes that aren't ajar at the moment. It could refer to missed opportunities, and like that is a very solid hit because in this instance; she taught her how to infict pain/behind missed opportunities. That is a really heavy meaning and it really resonates in my mind. Now another way I thought to look at closed door was that of a shut mind. From a fixed mindset with no belief in growth, she taught me how to further damage myself. That is also a very surreal meaning.

Stars are very amazing things, among being beautiful they are also filled with immense pressure, heat, and gaseous vapors. So to me that could have been a metaphor for a volitile night. However it could also be a metaphor that however pleasant the evening hours were, the secretive events were not so pleasant. So a contrast metaphor so to speak.

High above to me meant being detached from, and a river meant like the flooding pain, or perhaps blood?

Another interesting metaphor you used is the fact that she pulled you away from darkness by showing you that she drew too. It was as if she affirmed that it was a good thing, a thing that would help you.

Hmm, on a reread actually i think thenneatest metaphor may be the illusion that there is a you and there is seperately a her. :pondering emoticon: I think the poem may actually illude to the fact that the speaker is the her she speaks about. In a 'i showed myself into the darkness' kind of way...

I really enjoyed this peice and the vivid emotions it displayed. It made me think, and I am very intrigued by it. I hope you are having a nice day. <3333333

Keep writing, keep reviewing.

This is gem signing off and jumping back into her coffee mug.




SpunkyMonkey says...


Thank you for the review! <3





yw <3333



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Thu Sep 30, 2021 2:30 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Hey Spunky! Incoming review!

I have no opening words other than this is a great poem. Let's get on to the review.

I'll start out with critiques. While your poem is short and each line is used to it's full potential, it still feels like something is missing. I came into the poem expecting to have the drawing described to me. The process, the relief, the urge to make a new drawing. The speaker only has so much room on her body till she has to draw over an old drawing. Does she want new scars or will she continue to perfect one scar by jabbing at it over and over and over again? These were some of the questions it left me. Perhaps it's my morbid curiosity but I want to know more about these two that you have in your head.

Maybe you could have put

'I draw'
in italics. I've always perceived italics in poetry to be whispering. It would also give the poem an even stronger finish with the change in the word format.

But that's all for critique, let me praise your work.
She drew in secret, behind closed doors

Her drawings were vivid and expressed agony
This was where my interest skyrocketed. And I do not mean for this enthusiasm to be taken to an ignorant territory. I like the power and message of your poem, and I have deep empathy for whoever indulges. But your writing makes me want to know what the next line will be.

Then ripped off her hoodie and showed me her wrist

A whisper floated through the air

'I draw'
Such a chilling ending. You don't know what happened to either of them, and it might be best for the reader's imagination to get ahold of. And the way you used drawings instead of scars can also bring up how infantilized some people think self-harm is. Others think it's done for attention so others can show their scars. But what's really happening is that there's so much emotional pain going on that to relieve themselves from the emotional pain, they bring themselves to physical pain so it hurts less.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! Keep on writing, Spunky. Oh and now you're a SpunkyMonkey. Nice name. Anyway byeeeeeeeeee

Image




SpunkyMonkey says...


Thank you for the review!!!



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Thu Sep 30, 2021 3:28 am
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CotardDelusionz says...



Nice and Simple with a good kick




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Wed Sep 29, 2021 11:55 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! At first, this poem seemed rather light, but by the end, I saw where it was intended to go, and when I read it over a second time, the impact was even stronger. I see that this work is about self-harm. I kind of like how it is objective - it doesn't necessarily say that these practices are bad, but it definitely doesn't say they're good, either. Instead, it leaves the reader to draw the conclusion. Obviously self-harm should never be encouraged, and this poem does well at painting a picture that's tinted with the sadness behind the practice.

I like the rhyme in the lines,
"She taught me to draw one starry night
High above a river, I looked down, hypnotized".
Even though the whole poem doesn't follow a particular rhyme scheme, this little rhyming tidbit here gives it a nice touch.

I like how you sort of veil the point you're getting at, and then reveal it at the end. It serves to add an emotionally dramatic effect in the moment when the point really hits. Good work with this writing.




SpunkyMonkey says...


Thanks for the review! <3




That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon