z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Possible with God

by SpunkyMonkey


Jesus Birth was odd at first, a betrothed virgin with a round womb.

A king called Emmanuel, born in a stable with only a manger to keep him warm.

A choir of magnificent angels join the scene, giving news to shepherds the messiah was born.

The star led wise men from afar, bringing gifts of gold, myrrh, and frankincense.

Perfect life began.

A blind man from birth was healed by Jesus, and filled with mirth.

The corpse received breath in his lungs, and so rose from his slumber a new being.

Thunderous storms calmed, by the one who claims to be the messiah.

He gives mercy when you deserve to be mocked.

Healer of body and soul.

Prince of Peace gives relief to heavy burdens.

Truthful in all, not one lie escaped his mouth. Not one false thought entered his heart.

Perfect in all, he was obedient to death, even death on a cross.

Our role model.

His death gave us life, his punishment freedom.

No longer will we grovel in fear of death, nor hide from the face of darkness.

Jesus, who lived an unblemished life, took our sins upon him.

That we may dwell with him in the house of the Lord.

Sacrifice for all who believe.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 452
Reviews: 11

Donate
Tue Sep 01, 2020 9:18 pm
View Likes
JunePearl wrote a review...



My opinion totally isn't biased because I'm your friend or anything, well maybe a little biased.

Anyways, you did a fantastic job! I really enjoyed reading it, and it reminds me of all that God and Jesus has done for us and that we should be thankful. Besides comas, which have already been acknowledged, it seems pretty much perfect. (Also you have an outstanding vocabulary.)

Amazing job! Thank you for making such a great poem.



Random avatar
SpunkyMonkey says...


That is high praise Teya! And thank you



JunePearl says...


You're welcome %uD83D%uDE09%u263A%uFE0F



User avatar
215 Reviews


Points: 13629
Reviews: 215

Donate
Thu Aug 20, 2020 6:54 pm
WinnyWriter says...



Hey there! This is a nice piece, and I like the way it is succinct and yet flows smoothly. It doesn't necessarily have a poetic rhythm or rhyme, but it has an almost poetic feel. Great work there. I like how it divides into clear lines as well. Keep up the good work. :)



Random avatar
SpunkyMonkey says...


Thanks WinyWriter!



Random avatar

Points: 91
Reviews: 1

Donate
Wed Aug 19, 2020 9:53 am
deadwrongunicorn wrote a review...



Hello there! I like that you incorporated the Gospel into this, well done!

Quick grammatical thing: in the first line, it should be "Jesus's Birth" or "Jesus' Birth".

The rest of this is purely stylistic:
I know that in the Bible and religious analytical texts, words like "Messiah" and any pronouns referring to Jesus are normally capitalized ("He/Him" instead of "he/him").
It seems like some of the lines are continuations of the previous one, so putting a period in between the two breaks the flow of things ("Jesus, who lived an unblemished life, took our sins upon him that we may swell with him in the house of the Lord" as one sentence rather than being split before "that").

Otherwise, you've written a lovely poem. Thank you for sharing this.



Random avatar
SpunkyMonkey says...


Thank you for writing this review. I'm honored that this is your first review!



User avatar
218 Reviews


Points: 85
Reviews: 218

Donate
Wed Aug 19, 2020 12:03 am
creaturefeature wrote a review...



'Ello, I am an atheist myself, but I do enjoy learning more about religion.

Lots of comma issues, so I'll go through those.

A king, called Emmanuel, born in a stable with only a manger to keep him warm.


No need for the comma after "king".

The star led wise men from afar, bringing gifts of gold, myrrh and frankincense.


Comma needed after "myrrh".

He gives mercy, when you deserve to be mocked.


The comma after "mercy" can go.

Prince of peace, gives relief to heavy burdens.


Isn't "Prince of Peace" a title? If so, capitalize it. Also, no comma after "peace".

There's more, but you catch my drift. Religion has a lot of things to it, so if you write a poem you have to understand all of its confusing nature. Titles like "Messiah" aren't capital when they are proper nouns. It's a good thing to improve on.

I hope this was helpful - Hopefully not rude either.

Axi



Random avatar
SpunkyMonkey says...


No you weren't rude at all. I do have some trouble with commas so thanks for pointing that out!




“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451