the fluorescent lights
flick, flick, buzz...
starch white
on concrete slabs
drip...drip...
remnants of
the moon's tears
drip...drip...
cruel bench
dewy and wet
droplets illuminated
-blink, blink...buzz...
listless shroud
morning never comes
the eternal hour
flick...flick- buzz...
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139,896 Literary Works • 672,725 Reviews
Hi SpunkyMonkey! Here for just a quick review today.
This really embodies the hyperaware, delirious qualities that being awake in the middle of the night elicits. Noticing every sound around you is definitely captured throughout here. Additionally, the added ellipses helps in enhancing the delirious feeling; almost as if the speaker themself is falling asleep as they are noticing their surroundings.
The descriptions throughout are definitely mostly visual/sound based. It might be worthwhile to dive deeper into the other senses: what does the speaker feel? Smell? Etc! I think this could help broaden the possibilities of what you can describe and really allow the reader to become immersed in the scene.
I love this part! Personifying morning through "morning never comes" is so pretty, like the speaker is waiting to greet someone and eager to escape the night, as described by "the eternal hour". It's like the speaker has given up on sleep and is watching as each second passes by; quite a relatable feeling when insomnia strikes.
Great work and until next time!
Calamity
Hi, SpunkyMonkey!!! This looked very captivating, so I decided to leave a review! CATS here. Let's dive in!
I like the description of the lights as fluorescent, and the onomatopoeia fits well too! It gives off a hazy feeling, like when you wake up in the middle of the night. Let's read more!
I don't think drip has anything to do with concrete slabs, unless water is coming from above, like rain maybe? I like the details though, it is stunning and paints a picture as the reader reads it.
I am referring the moon's tears to rain. I like the idea of the moon shedding tears at night, glowing white in the dim light of the sky. It is very clear. I love this part, it might be my favorite!
I don't understand if the buzzes are from where the narrator is, like the flickering lights, or something else. But I still love it. You gave the bench some humanlike qualities, covered in dew. I think this is very good detail!
Yes. When you wake up at night, you want it to be morning, but it lasts FOREVER. I like how relatable this is.
OVERALL: I think with some fixes, it can turn into a wonderful poem. To be honest, it already is wonderful!!! Your writing stuns me, SpunkyMonkey~I can't wait for more! Thanks for this great piece of poetry. It is hazy and distant, like in a dream, and gives the reader a feeling of panic, at the same time peace, and like majuli said, eeriness and unease. I don't know how you make it so good for a short piece of writing. Keep going, my friend!
Happy Writing and RevMo!
Sincerely,
CATS
thanks for the review! <33
No problem! Love your poem!