The door opened, you took the chance to leave
It was a drenching rain in clearest sky
Thought you were a flower, I was naive
My darkest hour is when you said goodbye
My view of you no longer distorted
Others view me through your lie-filled lenses
Blood runs out of the wounds your thorns pierced
No one can heal my torn, broken pieces
Others’ kind consolement is pointless noise
Like the ache of losing a friend to death
But the pain strikes deeper, you left by choice
It torments my soul to even take a breath
However, all this torture and treason
Leaves a bright hope for a brand new season
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139,896 Literary Works • 672,725 Reviews
If this is based on something that actually happened to you,then I’m so sorry that it did! I know how that feels.A good friend of mine started ignoring me and well..we’re not good friends anymore.But enough about me,let’s talk about your poem! I love that you chose a rose,because they have a pretty exterior and sharp thorns.I hope you have an awesome and cool day and night.
Thank you! <3 I%u2019m sorry about your friend, that really sucks : (
(Here, pretend I%u2019m hugging you)
You%u2019re welcome!
)
(Thanks.
I really love your poem. It seems to indicate that the betrayal came out of the blue and hit you pretty hard.
"It was a drenching rain in clearest sky
Thought you were a flower, I was naive"
and
"Blood runs out of the wounds your thorns pierced
No one can heal my torn, broken pieces"
and despite all of the ugliness you're struggling to accept that this "friend" of yours is no longer in your life. Thus the phrase "My darkest hour is when you said goodbye".
I thought this was my favorite part of your sonnet, but I found something even more amazing by the end of it:
"Others’ kind consolement is pointless noise
Like the ache of losing a friend to death
But the pain strikes deeper, you left by choice
It torments my soul to even take a breath"
I think the third verse is a real masterpiece!!
I love the melody, the words you chose and overall the feelings behind it.
And the actual ending where you describe you somehow found a hope, well, you have my admiration.
Very nice work, I'll definitely read more of your poems.
Thank you very much!
Emotional, poignant, and well written. Good job!
Hi SpunkyMonkey! This was a nice emotional poem. Betrayals are something we all experience at one point or the other. That makes this poem a very relatable experience.
The first stanza:
I like the contrast of rain and the sky. For me, it would mean those times when everything is going normal and everyone is happy (seemingly) around you, but you have a personal storm going in your life. Which nobody bothers about.
The second stanza:
Continuing from above, it can be assumed that nobody would want to care about that person's feelings since they are biased in their perceptions.
(My interpretation might be going differently than you intended, I would like to know yours too)
The other parts of the stanza are beautiful, as well. About that betrayer being a flower but one with thorns.
The third stanza:
It might be that the consolation given by others really is pointless since that friend mattered more to the narrator than the others. Or it might be that he/she suspects it to be just an act of kindness, and nothing genuinely caring.
The fourth stanza:
I like how it ends, how the poet is hopeful for a new season, even though it could be something similar to this experience.
I think at some places the rhyming looked a bit forced. For eg. Leave and naive didn't go too well with me.
Overall, the message of this poem is great. Keep writing cause youre good at it!
Thank you for reading! And yes, your interpretation of the second stanza is exactly what I was going for.
This whole poem has a special message for me. When I was 9 our maid and her children who I had known since I was one or two were taken from me after a court case and trauma.
I love this stanza first of all for the second sentence. The world coming back in a downpour. The day I was rushed home from school to get a chance to say goodbye was the darkest. The maid I had always known wearing alien clothes, eyes red. The world was grey.
I am intrigued by the first two lines... it went from the sadness of losing a friend to the friend becoming the one who hurt you and tarnished you as a person. My idea is of maybe that friend had been more popular amongst his peers for his comments to be taken so seriously. I love the metaphor you chose for the last two.
It is mentioned no one can heal you and their consolement is pointless. The ache of losing a friend to death. That line hits me hard. I have been told death is worse and yet I disagree. My family is alive and I don't know what they look like. Who they are. What has happened to them? One might have cancer. The father is abusive. But it was that my maid had left by her own word, so broken down by her experiences that she couldn't fight. That her will was gone. She was not the same person at that point. It is that breath in my throat that hurt me... that life continued without them and that I had to adjust... and be okay.
These two lines really neatly draw your poem to an end. I thoroughly enjoyed and I cried a bit so thank you for sharing it.
Lehmanf
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!