MTOHS - Chapter 2.1

by SpiritedWolfe

Published February 3, 2021

18+ Language

In Novel ~ The Memories Tattooed on His Skin

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Chapter 2 - Rachel ~ Wordcount: 2016

I woke to what sounded like a small tremor in my bedroom, with paintings seeming to rattle against the walls. My eyes opened, but it all looked the same since I couldn’t make anything out in the thick darkness of my room. My head was throbbing. What time was it? I blinked a few times to chase the grogginess away as another wave of rattles and bangs sounded through my apartment.

The floor was cold against my bare feet as I rolled out of bed, my arm instinctively reaching out to steady myself on the nightstand nearby. I looked up and noticed that the door to my bedroom was wide open, allowing a stream of light to trickle into the hallway from the living room window. That’s odd. I always closed the door before I go to sleep.

An angry voice called to me from outside my apartment. “Rachel! Open the damn door!” The banging then immediately continued. It finally registered that there was someone desperately wanting to be let in.

I moved as fast as my tired legs would allow me, leaving a trail of blankets on the floor by my bed as I staggered through the hall and into the little foyer. Soon, my hand landed on the metal front door, and I flipped the lock before throwing the door open. Light poured into my dark apartment and blinded me as I squinted at the silhouette of a man with his fist raised to where the door used to be. My confusion only grew when I recognized it to be William.

He did not waste any time pushing his way into the apartment and saying, “I called you ten times, and you never picked up. This is a fucking emergency!” He looked around and flipped on the closest light switch. The energy in the room suddenly turned wild and frantic.

“What?” I mumbled. “You just woke me up. What time even is it?” Did he just say there was an emergency?

“That doesn’t matter,” he barked. “Just get your uniform on and let’s go. We’re in a hurry.”

I noticed that I was still holding the door open, and when I peeked out into the hallway, the heads of several angry neighbors stared right back at me. My face flushed red, and I mouthed an apology before promptly closing the door and looking back at William.

“Wait, why aren’t you wearing a uniform?” I asked as I noticed he was still in his typical white lab coat, far from the almost military grade uniform the DAI agents had to wear. “Can you just tell me what’s going on?”

He grabbed my arm and lead me through my own apartment back towards the bedroom and said, “Look, like I said, there’s an emergency situation involving Splinter, and Forber needs you there immediately and … where’s Eric?”

It then occurred to me that my boyfriend and team leader was nowhere to be found. “I… He was here when I fell asleep,” I stuttered. “I don’t know where he is.” When had I fallen asleep?

“Okay, okay,” William said with a sigh. “We’ll figure that out later. Just, go get changed. We don’t have time right now.” At that, I was able to collect my thoughts enough to piece together that William was really freaked out, which is a contrast to his typical stoic demeanor. I nodded at him, darted back into my bedroom, and slammed the door behind me. When I flipped the light back on, I half expected to see Eric still in bed, but with all the sheets abandoned on the floor, there was no one else in the room with me.

I shook my head and swore. What he had gotten himself into to this time without telling anyone, especially me? Hopefully, he wasn’t involved in this emergency. My feet lead me to the back of the room towards the closet where I had hung up my gear. Eric’s uniform still neatly pressed and hung up beside mine, the only thing missing from his tool belt a handgun. I tried not to think about it as I collected a few hangers and charged into the bathroom connected to the room.

The uniform consisted of a pair of padded tan cargo pants, a pitifully thin white t-shirt, and a bulletproof vest labeled DAI on the back in bright yellow letters. I grabbed my pair of thick artillery boots, worn at most three times and now discarded in the corner of the bathroom. Above those was a towel rack holding my weapon belt. The belt was shiny and new, stocked with two handguns and an assortment of knives. Once I’d suited up, I grabbed a black hair tie from a bowl and charged back into the heart of the bedroom.

My final stop was a small desk crammed into the opposite corner of the bedroom. My earpiece was discarded beside my phone, nearly obscured by a few half-opened boxes of bullets. I grabbed both, shoved my phone into my pocket, and inserted the earpiece, hearing a click as it powered on. An electronic woman spoke into my ear, saying, “8 missed calls from William.” I sighed. This was why I typically slept with my ringer on. Why didn’t it go off tonight?

I put my hands on my holster, felt the fully loaded guns, and knew that I had everything I could possibly need. “Alright, William. I’m ready.” I snatched my keys off the desk and threw the bedroom door open. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

It didn’t seem like he had stopped pacing since I’d went to change, but he gave me a quick once over and determined I was probably ready for whatever this emergency was.

“I’ll tell you when we get in the car,” he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me after him. After making a quick stop to lock the door, we sprinted down the hall towards the emergency exit stairs. The three flights of stairs flew by as our feet pounded on the metal, echoing all the way up the stairway.

When we barged into the lobby, the security officer sitting at the front desk gave us a nasty look. He clenched his teeth in anger and opened up his mouth as if to say something, probably about the noise complaints William had stirred up, the police car with lights still blaring parked in from of the glass doors, or both. I gave him an apologetic look and yelled a sorry as we rushed out the front door and jumped into William’s car.

In the next few seconds, his siren wailed to life, and the car lurched forward. My first instinct was to pull out my phone and try to find out any information I could, as William was preoccupied speeding his way into the city. I pressed my thumb against the bottom of the screen, and it lit up with the message, “Welcome, Agent Axaili.” I also noticed that the time was currently 2:14 am.

William didn’t take his eyes off the road as he said, “You should have gotten some files by now. Forber needs you to interrogate a woman about the situation, so there’s probably some information on her. But you need to watch the security footage first.” His voice was grim, his knuckles white as he gripped the steering wheel.

I found a notification about a group of files that had been shared with me and opened them. Just as William had said, it started with a folder that contained some standard records about a woman by the name of Margaret Boyd. I scrolled past those and saw another folder that was labeled as “EMERGENCY”, “ongoing investigation”, and concluded with the day’s date. Inside, were some miscellaneous files, but I first opened a video that was called security footage.

After a second of buffering, a dark, grainy image appeared on my screen. It showed a scene in a cramped storage space with a large group of people gathered in it. There were a few people on the right standing in a doorway, which were likely a few agents as they appeared to be holding guns and huddled close together. On the other side was a much larger crowd, and while apparently there was no color to the footage, every single person had a white glob over their face.

“This looks like some kind of rally,” I observed. “Splinter supporters by the looks of it.” William didn’t add anything, but his jaw clenched when I looked over at him.

When I studied the scene closer, I made out three or four agents in the doorway, every single one of the with their guns raised. The camera must have been set up in a corner because I couldn’t tell exactly where they were aiming, but my educated guess was either at the guy leading the rally from the top of a crate or someone standing on the outskirts of the crowd, just about the cross the gap between the people and the agents. Nothing else seemed especially out of the ordinary from a typical rally bust, so I pressed the play button.

Initially, nothing moved as I realized that the video was very slowed down, and only a few frames passed each second. Then, out of nowhere, the agent standing in the center took a step back backwards and landed into an agent beside her. I watched one, two, then three bullets creep out of each agent’s gun, hurdling towards the person, who looked to be a woman, at the edge of the crowd.

In the next frame, the bullets weren’t there anymore, and I learned there was audio with the video as a warbled bang sounded out of my phone. Shreds of metal flew back towards the agents in the next frame and by the third, they began to fall to the floor. My heart sank to the bottom of my chest, and my entire body ran cold. I couldn’t process what had just happened. It looked impossible.

Just as I thought it was over, there was a burst of movement, and the person on top of crate ran against the wall towards a door partially concealed in the back. Immediately, a third person tore after him from the crowd. Finally, the woman followed, and they were all gone in a few seconds. That was when the video cut off. 

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I looked back at the road in front of me. My mind and body felt completely numb from the information I’d just learned. William flew past other cars, mentally noting the license plate of a cab that refused to get out of the middle of the road.

He noticed I’d finished the footage and muttered apologetically, “I… Sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you. You just had to see it for yourself.”

All the questions flooded out of my mind as I blurted out, “How many were there? Are they alive? Who was it? Who were those people?”

William pinched his lips into a frown and said, “There’s a whole report in there if—”

“Please, just tell me who was there,” I said, struggling to hold back a sob.

His discomfort rose. “Okay, alright. The party was made up of Miller, her team, and two others from Jayden’s who showed up to the call early.”

“Six of them died?” I cried out. “But there were only three in the video, maybe four. That was all from the bullets?” The woman standing on the edge of the crowd wasn’t an ordinary rally attendee. From the way she reacted so quickly and so violently she had to be a high up, maybe even a Class Four in disguise. My skin started to crawl as the realization hit me. Splinter was on the move again.

William cleared his throat and said, “I really don’t know all the details. Just that someone from Splinter was at that rally, maybe even two. And now more blood has been spilled.”

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review Review · Aug 8, 2021

Hello! I am back for another review, and wow, this wasn't what I was expecting! I'll admit, I had to double-check that I had clicked on the right novel. xD

But I really like it! Seriously, this chapter was great. It was a good example of dumping us in media res while quickly establishing a sympathetic connection with the main character. I'm can honestly say I am now onboard with this novel and rooting for Rachel. It makes for a great contrast with Hunter's scenes. Now I'm wondering - what if Rachel's POV was chapter 2 instead of chapter 1? (I'm assuming Hunter's viewpoint alternates with Rachel's throughout the book; if chapter 1 was his only viewpoint, I'd suggest you call it a prologue.) Having Rachel's POV first would be more likely to hook the reader on a character and thus the book, and then when we get to chapter 2 with Hunter's neutrality the contrast really means something.

The floor was cold against my bare feet as I rolled out of bed, my arm instinctively reaching out to steady myself on the nightstand nearby. I looked up and noticed that the door to my bedroom was wide open, allowing a stream of light to trickle into the hallway from the living room window. That’s odd. I always closed the door before I go to sleep.

Occasionally, and most noticeably here, your action paragraphs are unnecessarily wordy, with lots of filter words (saw/felt) or just not-snappy phrasing. I think this is mostly an artifact of first draft prose, since my first drafts read the same way, but I thought I'd mention it.

Forber needs you there immediately and … where’s Eric?

*That* Eric? Oh no. xD I'm seriously invested in how this is going to play out when she finds out he's tangled up with Splinter. You've done such a great job showing us her character that I already know this is going to be a huge issue for her.

I found the video-watching part a little bit hard to follow, maybe because I assumed I didn't need to pay that much attention because I'd already seen this happen, but then parts of my mental model of the scene didn't match up with what the video showed, and I'm a bit confused about who's who in the scene. I think this is mostly because it's been like 2-3 weeks since I read that scene, though, so don't worry too much about it. My main difficulty was figuring out where Eric should have been — I thought he was the person out of frame by the leader, but then he has to be the figure who jumped off the box and ran, since Hunter followed him.

“Six of them died?” I cried out. “But there were only three in the video, maybe four. That was all from the bullets?”

I know William said six policemen were there, but where did Rachel get that six people died from? As she said, the video only showed three or four.

Overall, what a fun chapter! I can't emphasize enough how much I like that you've hinted at other connections to the events of the first chapter beyond just Rachel responding to this first incident (meaning the Eric clue). It adds a lot of depth to the plot with just like, two lines. This chapter kind of feels like the start of an investigative mystery, though I'm not sure if that's actually what this is going to turn into. Whatever it is, I'm looking forward to it. :)

User avatar
FireEyes
Review
FireEyes wrote a review Review · Jun 4, 2021

Hey Wolfe! Sorry I haven't reviewed MTOHS in a while. But that is changing now! Incoming review!

So from where we left off, Eric was in custody and a whole lost of chaos happened at the rally. I see that you might be switching perspectives each chapter. I know for some people that is a hit or miss but I think I'll enjoy it for this story for two reasons. One, because we can get a look into the DIA and Splinter's motives, thinking each is the good and bad organization. And two, to see how these relationships between people will be strained or strengthened. It's fascinating how you manage to make both Splinter and The DIA seem to be in the right for their own motives. I love grey area in characters and motives, and you're doing great at that!

One thing I found interesting is that Eric is in a relationship with Rachel. I think you can play more into how their relationship is strained from Eric getting kidnapped basically and Rachel having to find out DIA agents got killed in the rally he was in. Of course this could be totally extra in the plot. If you were to go down this route (and I know you you have chapter 3 out currently) just make sure that the romance, isn't actually romance. I have a feeling it would work a lot better if their relationship were more like them being good friends but are "romantically" attracted to one another. If that makes any sense.

If I had one thing that I would like to see changed a bit or have explained a little is this paragraph right here,

I woke to what sounded like a small tremor in my bedroom, with paintings seeming to rattle against the walls. My eyes opened, but it all looked the same since I couldn’t make anything out in the thick darkness of my room. My head was throbbing. What time was it? I blinked a few times to chase the grogginess away as another wave of rattles and bangs sounded through my apartment.

Are the rattles from William stomping up stairs to her apartment? Or, even more interesting, the after shockwaves from Grey's time stopping we got in the first chapter? If you intended for the first one, great it's simple and gives grounding to where Rachel is. But if you intended for the second one that would show how large the shockwaves were and how far they spread. And if you intended for neither of them, could you please tell me what you did intend for? ;)

But that was really all the criticism that I had. I honestly know more about The DIA and Splinter than I did before even though I don't know about any of their motives. That's good writing to me. Maybe sooner on we learn what DIA stands for. But no pressure. (It's probably in the chapters you have out now XD.) But yeah, that's all I have. Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeee<3

Hey! I'm rereading some of my reviews for some editing points points, and I wanted to clarify that the rattling was just William knocking/pounding on Rachel's door, and it's a small apartment so it can be heard even from her bedroom. I probably exaggerated it a bit much, but I was trying to show how disoriented she was haha. Also, good points about Eric and Rachel's relationship! I've had some issues characterizing these two, so would love to hear your thoughts as the novel goes on :)

User avatar
mordax
Review
mordax wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2021

Hello, mordax back again! Let's get started...

So, don't want to be redundant with my review comments, but "show don't tell"... There are a few simple ways you can do this that I think would make this chapter so much better. For one, instead of saying "I noticed", "I felt", or "I learned", I would suggest just saying what she thought, what she felt (and describe it), etc. As this is in her perspective, clarifying that these feelings, observations, and discoveries are happening to her is redundant and makes it feel as though she is telling a story rather than the audience experiencing her story.

A few grammar comments (though I might be wrong as I am no expert):

always closed the door before I go to sleep.

I believe it should be "I went to sleep", not "go"
his tool belt a handgun

There should be a comma after "belt".
parked in from of the glass doors

Do you mean "front"?
I grabbed my pair of thick artillery boots, worn at most three times and now discarded in the corner of the bathroom.

There should be a comma after "worn" and "most" -- "worn, at most, three times"

As for some nit-picky stuff...
My confusion only grew when I recognized it to be William.

Instead of saying her confusion grew, I would suggest displaying that through some thought, such as "The silhouette's face began to materialize and... William?" or something like that, so that it doesn't feel so dry to the audience.

I put my hands on my holster, felt the fully loaded guns,

A single holster only holds one gun, so perhaps you mean "holsters" or only "gun".

nothing moved as I realized that the video was very slowed down, and only a few frames passed each second

This wording felt very awkward to read. I would reword it so it flows better. Perhaps something like "the image briefly stood still, only a few frames passing each second" or something. Up to you.

But, OMG!! Eric is with the DAI??? Intriguing... I like the empathy Rachel has and there were a lot more emotions conveyed in this chapter than the previous ones which only solidifies Hunter's lack of emotion as being a personal thing. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Wonderful job!!

mordax

Thank you!!! Just as a heads up, most of this novel I already have written from NaNo (and I'm pretty bad about proofreading xDD) so your comments on grammar/wording are helpful and also pointing out sections where you feel I could show better! The thing is that even when I'm posting new chapters, I may have some of the same issues you've already pointed out because I haven't started revising/editing them yet, because I want to solidify plot. So don't hesitate to point out specific sections you think I could improve on writing-wise!

mordax replied · Feb 15, 2021

Sounds good!! I definitely don%u2019t want to be redundant, especially if you are still in the process of revising.

User avatar
LUNARGIRL
Review
LUNARGIRL wrote a review Review · Feb 4, 2021

Hello, LUNAR here with a review!
Let's get straight to it.

I woke to what sounded like a small tremor in my bedroom, with paintings seeming to rattle against the walls. My eyes opened, but it all looked the same since I couldn’t make anything out in the thick darkness of my room. My head was throbbing. What time was it? I blinked a few times to chase the grogginess away as another wave of rattles and bangs sounded through my apartment.

DUN! DUN! DUN! Wonder what's happening, i'm guessing it's not an Earthquake.

I moved as fast as my tired legs would allow me, leaving a trail of blankets on the floor by my bed as I staggered through the hall and into the little foyer. Soon, my hand landed on the metal front door, and I flipped the lock before throwing the door open. Light poured into my dark apartment and blinded me as I squinted at the silhouette of a man with his fist raised to where the door used to be. My confusion only grew when I recognized it to be William.

Nice use of description in this paragraph.

He did not waste any time pushing his way into the apartment and saying, “I called you ten times, and you never picked up. This is a fucking emergency!” He looked around and flipped on the closest light switch. The energy in the room suddenly turned wild and frantic.


Looks like someone is mad because he didn't get his beauty sleep.

Initially, nothing moved as I realized that the video was very slowed down, and only a few frames passed each second. Then, out of nowhere, the agent standing in the center took a step back backwards and landed into an agent beside her. I watched one, two, then three bullets creep out of each agent’s gun, hurdling towards the person, who looked to be a woman, at the edge of the crowd.

This part got a little confusing towards the middle when they are about to fire at the women.

In the next frame, the bullets weren’t there anymore, and I learned there was audio with the video as a warbled bang sounded out of my phone. Shreds of metal flew back towards the agents in the next frame and by the third, they began to fall to the floor. My heart sank to the bottom of my chest, and my entire body ran cold. I couldn’t process what had just happened. It looked impossible.

This part also doesn't make a lot of sense. How did the bullets disappear and end up hitting the agents who fired the shots at the women?

Why does she get so emotional towards the end of this chapter? I mean death by itself is traumatic, but she's an agent. She's probably killed people before, and I read what happened in the last chapter. What makes these deaths so different from all the others. Why does she cry over this. The only reason this would be sad is if she knew some of the people that died in the video.

Overall, this was a very interesting chapter, but I still don't understand why she cried after she saw the video footage. This chapter was very exciting to read, and I could not take my eyes away for a second! I saw no grammar mistakes in this chapter. Can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,
LUNAR

MailicedeNamedy wrote a review Review · Feb 4, 2021

Hi SpiritedWolfe,

great start to the chapter. Can't wait to read the second part of this later.

You have very good descriptions and keep necessary information about the reason for William's calls and knocks on the door a secret for the reader and Rachel. This helps immensely to feel and think along with her. The suspense is clearly built up and you can tell that things are really going to start now. Apart from that, not much happened in this part, in short, a kind of "introduction". :D
Nevertheless, you keep a clear direction in which you are steering. Your writing style remains fluid and clear, I like that a lot.

An electronic woman spoke into my ear, saying


One question here; maybe I missed something, but shouldn't it be electronic woman voice or something like that? Or did I miss something from last time and it's a hologram? :D

I liked this part and it's a great prelude to the next one.

Mailice.

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Feb 3, 2021

Wolfe!

Excited to read this!

That’s odd. I always closed the door before I go to sleep.


Uh oh, o m i n o u s. Get back in bed. Only solution.

“Look, like I said, there’s an emergency situation involving Splinter, and Forber needs you there immediately and … where’s Eric?


You did not in fact say that William, tsk tsk

It then occurred to me that my boyfriend and team leader


Ooooh I see this turning into DRAMA and I HERE for it.

was nowhere to be found.


Oh noooooooo, it's Eric-Eric ahhh we're only two chapters in and I'm already feeling tense. I didn't realize he meant AGENT double-agent. This is gonna get messy quick and I'm so excited for it. Poor Eric over here still getting shanked.

I grabbed a black hair tie from a bowl and charged back into the heart of the bedroom.


The only reason I'm quoting this is you used the word "charged" in the paragraph before -- and it's a good word, I like it -- but I feel like it's a /slightly/ uncommon word so it stood out to me that you used it twice in such a short period of time.

He clenched his teeth in anger and opened up his mouth as if to say something


How is he both clenching his teeth and opening his mouth?

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I looked back at the road in front of me.


I think I would like a bit more explanation for why this made her so emotional so quickly? Like, of course, watching people die has to be traumatic in its own right. But also, as an agent, wouldn't she have had experience with people dying in the past? I just don't understand why she had such a visceral response when she literally didn't even know the people on the tapes. Is it a small crew? Like, does she /know/ that they were her friends even though she doesn't know exactly who it was? Or are they just random agents?

Idk, this is rambling and feel free to disregard as much of that as you want xD It's just not super clear to me whether she was just upset about /watching/ people die, or if she was upset because she knew them, or was upset because...?

Overall, this is a really good part, though! It instantly has me INCREDIBLY interested in this storyline. Especially with Eric. In the last chapter, he obviously was important enough to be a target -- but I wasn't really sure if he was a vital character or not. It kind of seemed like the two people after him were the real main characters and he was a... not really a throw-away? But kind of a throw-away? lol Like Splinter is Intense and this is what happens if you tick him off. But now it's clear Eric is going to come back into the scene and I am SUPER excited to see where you're gonna take this!

Hope this helped!

~Shady

Thank you!! ^^ Your point about Rachel's reaction makes total sense! I've rewritten that exact reaction several times and I never knew how to get it right, so I'll be sure to try to include more details surrounding it next time. My idea was that -- and it used to be a line -- that Rachel had just talked to the agents on patrol that night before she left, and it had been a long time since an agent, let alone 6, were killed on duty. I will work on! Thanks again ^^



I think that was when I began to realize that reputation isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina