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Young Writers Society



MTOHS - Chapter 3.2

by SpiritedWolfe


Word Count: 1904

All this ran through my mind as I tried to grapple with the language of the universe moving through my mind. Finally, I could clearly see Cobalt in front of me, even the smile forming underneath his mask. He spoke again, Good. Good. Once you’ve been able to decipher one piece, it’s much easier to expand your influence and see more. But be careful to not let it overwhelm you. I nodded as I took in a deep breath.

It was difficult to create an image of objects that stayed in constant motion, such as the waves that quickly rushed up the shore and then immediately receded back into the ocean. I could hear them as they crashed, even feel their tremors through the waves that pounded against my skull. Then suddenly, I felt a great shift in the weight of the world around me.

I thought I felt myself stumble back a step or two and flailed my arms out in front of me, trying to find an invisible assailant. Another force pushed against my chest, and a pressure built in my temples. The dull static turned into a loud ringing that overpowered even my ability to think. I tried to reach out—mentally or physically I couldn’t tell—to Cobalt to steady me, but it was like he had vanished. My body wouldn’t respond to my will to move, and it felt like I was the one who vanished.

Then he reappeared beside me, actually grabbing my arm, and spoke into my ear with a stern tone and gravelly voice, “Never lose focus of your own body.” His grip only strengthened until I was able to remember how to move my arm again. I reached up and ripped the mask off my face, throwing me back into reality. 

“What the…,” I said, letting out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. I was still standing in the same place, in the pier above me and the ocean in front of me. When I looked down, not even the sand had been disturbed when I stepped back. Cobalt stood beside me now, still holding my arm. My head really hurt. “What was that?”

He returned to my mind. The mask amplifies your ability to sense the universe and utilize influence, but if you are ill prepared and overwhelmed, you can lose your sense of self. When he let go of me, he took the mask out of my hands and turned it over in his. I’ve never tried it on someone who still had a sense to lose. He seemed genuinely intrigued when he looked back at me, at the sheer terror in my eyes from the intensity of what I had experienced. It sent a shiver down my spine.

I didn’t know what to think. Knowing Splinter, that would not be the only time I had to endure that, and after a while it would become normal. If I thought hard enough, I could still recall the feeling of space shifting around Cobalt and hear the static in my inner ear.

Having read my thoughts, Cobalt added, You have always been able to feel it, Eric. That is what influence is: the ability to feel the universe. It just wasn’t obvious until the mask amplified it in your mind. It will get easier. With that, he moved his hand, and the mask vanished. Then, before I could think of what to say next, he began to walk away from under the pier. I just knew to follow.

I pulled out my phone to check the time and saw that maybe fifteen minutes had passed since I spotted Cobalt. The time I spent in my own head couldn’t have been longer than five minutes, but it felt as if an eternity had passed. This influence stuff still made very little sense to me, even though I had been using pieces of it accidentally my entire life. I didn’t know that some people could be born with that ability. The only other people I had encountered that could actively use influence where people of Splinter, and they were completely mysterious.

You have little time now, Eric. Cobalt began to sound slightly impatient as he waited just a few feet away. Your agency will be expecting a report soon. My face flushed with heat as I jogged a bit forward. I tried to recall the details of the false alibi I had given, like what I was supposed to do when I got back. Cobalt started down a short walking path that led into a large brush of reeds. I fell into step behind him.

After a minute or two passed, I looked up and saw a large oak tree looming over me. Confused, I stopped, turned around, and saw a long line of trees alongside a well-maintained walking path. This was the large park that was set up just a block from the main DAI headquarters where Rachel and I would sometimes go after long days. I look back in front of me and Cobalt was nowhere to be seen. I cursed under my breath. Just as had happened last night, I had seemingly teleported to where a place several miles from where I was walking.

The journal had told me there would be a briefing in the main conference room at the headquarters in just twenty minutes, which I would be expected to be at, so I broke into a jog. As I ran the rest of the way there, I thought more about influence, the mask, and the scars still all over my body. There was no good way to explain that to Rachel.

Ten minutes of running later, I arrive to an enormous building right in the heart of the city, with ornate glass doors lining the front of the lobby. A few tourists were milling around outside, probably hoping to get a surface level tour of the building. I slipped inside behind them and booked it towards the elevator, giving a polite wave to the security woman at the front desk.

The elevator doors slid open with a dig as the digital number switched to five. Directly across the from elevators was a glass conference room originally designed for ten people packed with nearly double that. I tried to sweep across the room to see who was involved before I stepped in, but Forber spotted me and gave me a nasty look.

When I sped inside, Forber called out to me with a scowl on his face. “Braxton, glad you could finally make it. We’re just getting started.” I gave him a weak smile and crossed my arms as I took a spot standing in the back corner.

Once again, my eyes tried to look for any familiar faces, and I finally found Rachel and William seating against the back wall. Rachel was looking at me with a mix of confusion, concern, and frustration. After we made eye contact, she turned her attention back to Forber. The rest of the people in the room were other agents, investigators, and even some other researchers along with William and Rachel. No one from my team was here, oddly. Maybe because I was supposedly on a solo patrol.

“Alright, everyone here is already well aware of the background for the situation involving six deceased agents,” Forber said matter-of-factly, “so the important details we need to discuss are some preliminary investigation results, some important technological failures that occurred, and what future actions we must take.” Behind him was a set of slides neatly put together reiterating the agenda he had just recited.

He clicked through a few slides that detailed what we already knew: two or three suspected Splinter members among the rally, which fled the scene, some forensic analysis. My blood ran cold when Forber made note of some blood found in the warehouse just above the cellar where deaths occurred. My blood.

I froze when Forber looked up at me and asked, “Eric, can you tell us about what you were doing last night?” Sweat dripped down my back, and I could feel my arm burning against just thinking about it. Everyone’s eyes turned to me. After a second of hesitation, my brain kicked into action.

“Right, yes sir,” I began, clearing my throat. “There was a call to the police for suspicious activity around an old pier on the outskirts of the city, and as it was reported within ten minutes of the events with the agents, Mr. Forber flagged it and asked me to investigate. Unfortunately, I did not encounter anything that was obviously related to Splinter, but later in the morning, I discovered some evidence suggesting that something occurred there while I patrolled all night. I’ll be sure to have our forensics team investigate and see if there is any correlation between the calls.” I silently hoped that it wasn't my bloodied shirt that I was sending them to find, but knowing the games the Leader like to play, it was certainly possible.

A light smile came to Forber’s lips, just fast enough that if I weren’t concentrating on him, I would have missed it. I chocked it up to the relief flooding through me. As soon as everyone’s attention returned to him, he resumed his presentation.

Forber continued by talking a bit about some witnesses who were questioned, but he emphasized that not all witnesses had been found, as many had fled before the police or any other agents arrived. He went into talking about a woman by the name of Margaret Boyd, who had a name that sounded vaguely familiar to me, but I couldn’t immediately pinpoint who she was. Technically, I had spoken with all the people who had been at that rally since I’d encouraged them all to come.

“Agent Axaili, here, encouraged this woman to give us a statement about what she had seen,” Forber explained, before signaling that Rachel take over.

She cleared her throat and tried to shake the nerves from her voice. “Thank you, Mr. Forber. Now, when Ms. Boyd didn’t have anything else to add to the events that lead to the deaths of our friends, but she gave some possible leads on the rally leader and his relationship with the rally goers. As you can see, some of her statements reveal that she received assistance from the rally leader, which paired with other evidence might suggest this man is actually associated with Splinter.”

“Did she reveal the identity of this leader? Or any leads to it?” an agent sitting across from her asked.

Rachel shook her head. “Unfortunately, no, but she alluded to some other obligations, which might involve another event on Tuesday night, in just under four days.” I tried to bite my tongue to keep from fidgeting as she said this. My automatic reaction was the steel my thoughts and keep as stoic as possible, hoping no one noticed the guilt radiating from either me or the scar on my arm.

Forber nodded his head. “We will discuss that matter in more detail later on. But if the word of this woman is to be trusted, and this man is affiliated with Splinter, we may need to be prepared for much more than another rally.” The entire room was quiet and tense. Rightfully so, I thought bitterly. They couldn’t be prepared for what Splinter was planning.


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Tue Jun 29, 2021 8:20 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



WOLFE HI

Let's jump in...

He seemed genuinely intrigued when he looked back at me, at the sheer terror in my eyes from the intensity of what I had experienced.


Be careful with your POV here. You've got a first-person point of view going on right now, but that gets broken a bit by you saying what Cobalt is looking at. Like, *I* am not aware of sheer terror in my own eyes, you know? I'll *feel* it -- maybe my chest is tight or my eyes are wide or something like that. But you can't see yourself unless there's a mirror involved. So be careful about physical descriptors since you're in a first-person POV for this novel.

That is what influence is: the ability to feel the universe.


tfw our worlds have the same concept of magic systems

Just as had happened last night, I had seemingly teleported to where a place several miles from where I was walking.


I'm assuming the where is a typo?

My blood ran cold when Forber made note of some blood found in the warehouse just above the cellar where deaths occurred. My blood.


I feel like the "my blood ran cold" makes for one-too-many usages of the word "blood" here because it's such a short space of time. Maybe a chill ran through him/down his spine or something instead? Just something that doesn't involve using the word "blood" a third time in two sentences.

I froze when Forber looked up at me and asked, “Eric, can you tell us about what you were doing last night?” Sweat dripped down my back, and I could feel my arm burning against just thinking about it. Everyone’s eyes turned to me. After a second of hesitation, my brain kicked into action.

“Right, yes sir,” I began, clearing my throat. “There was a call to the police for suspicious activity around an old pier on the outskirts of the city, and as it was reported within ten minutes of the events with the agents, Mr. Forber flagged it and asked me to investigate.


I don't quite understand why Forber is asking what Eric had been doing if he is supposedly the one who assigned him to do it? It feels a bit weird. Like, "I told you to investigate, now tell everyone that I told you to investigate" you know? If he's covering for Eric, why would he draw attention to him like this? And if he's not covering for him, then how is Eric getting away with lying about whether Forber told him to do something? Just sits a bit odd with me.

Overall, though, great chapter! I enjoy getting to see Eric sweat over all this, and I'm excited to see how he tries to explain his scars to Rachel. Looking forward to reading more! <3

~Shady

Image






Yeah, I don't think I explained the whole meeting part super well. Honestly just think I didn't write the dialogue super well, because it was supposed to be more like "hey, you investigated this thing, brief me on what you found. important?" so editing will help, hopefully. xD THANK YOU FOR REVIEW <3



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Tue Jun 08, 2021 5:24 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Hey Wolfe! Here, finally caught up on your novel now, took long enough. Incoming review!!!

I want to start out with some Pros I liked!

My blood ran cold when Forber made note of some blood found in the warehouse just above the cellar where deaths occurred. My blood.
I find it interesting how you used this idiom of "blood ran cold" and then went on to talk about Eric's physical blood. Although it is clever, I think it might make things a tad redundant. It's not redundant enough where I would suggest you change it, but it might be something to watch out for in the future.

I appreciate how Eric is so up in the air with his intentions now. He knows how use influence to a certain extent, but he's a part of the DAI, but then again he also invited people to the gathering where he was wearing Splinter masks. Not to mention he's in contact with Cobalt. I can't wait to see what you make of Eric in future chapters.

I do have so critiques, though. In my opinion this is the weakest chapter so far. It doesn't have the action that the first chapter did, or the suspense of the second chapter. I don't know, maybe it just seems slow in comparison because this is so early on in the book.

There was one other thing I thought was important to bring out and it's when Eric is talking with Cobalt.
Once you’ve been able to decipher one piece, it’s much easier to expand your influence and see more. But be careful to not let it overwhelm you.

The mask amplifies your ability to sense the universe and utilize influence, but if you are ill prepared and overwhelmed, you can lose your sense of self.

You have always been able to feel it, Eric. That is what influence is: the ability to feel the universe. It just wasn’t obvious until the mask amplified it in your mind.

These three quotes are said not too far away from one another and Cobalt is repeating the same thing, the same premise. This might have been utilized too have Cobalt need to keep repeating what the mask does to Eric, but it comes off as clunky and like you didn't know what to put.

But that's it for today's review. I want you to keep writing this novel because it, and i truly mean this, really interesting and captivating! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeeeee<3




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Thu Mar 11, 2021 7:26 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Wolfe,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Gradually a clearer picture is emerging after the characters Rachel and Hunter were introduced and established in the last parts. You can tell that the story is now shifting gears and the plot is opening up.

I think you've done that very well, moving the plot forward after other characters were the focus in the last few chapters. Before reading, I also skimmed Chapter 3.1 to get back into Eric's story. I noticed positively that you still keep your style. What I like very much is that you stay in the first-person narrative perspective for all of them. That helps you to put yourself in the characters' shoes to a certain extent and understanding their motives a bit.

What I miss a bit is the description of the area, how it has changed. I don't know how to describe it, but I've already noticed in the previous chapters that sometimes a place is changed and it's not really described how it changes or what has changed. At the moment it reads like a comic book, from one image to the next. It doesn't seem to flow very well. (I hope this is described in a reasonably understandable way.)

I was still standing in the same place, in the pier above me and the ocean in front of me.


I'm no expert in grammar, but shouldn't it read as follows: I was still standing in the same place, the pier above me (...) or am I misunderstanding the sentence? That's the only time I've noticed anything like a mistake.

One notices how you raise questions and answer only a few in the plot, but still enough for the reader to understand. And yet there seems to be more to it than what we know so far. But this shows your planning and thoughts about the plot. That´s what keeps me reading.

Have fun while writing! :D

Mailice.




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Mon Feb 15, 2021 11:51 pm
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mordax wrote a review...



Hello there... Let's get started.

So in my previous review, I stated some confusion on whether or not influence was innate. Ignore that. I see here that it is, and as this is tied with the previous part into one chapter, you can ignore that statement.

Besides that, I was a bit confused when Eric was lost in his own mind. You definitely captured the essence of his lack of control and his lost sense of reality, but besides that, there was little to visualize. If he is lost in his own mind, what does he see there? I think it would be interesting to show the visual of this border between reality.

On the point of visual descriptions, I think more can be added throughout this chapter. For example, the sudden transition between the beach and the forest could have been stronger, showing this complete change in scenery to really make the audience feel transported along with Eric. Also, when Eric glanced towards Rachel and marked her expression, I would've loved to get a better grasp of what she looks like. This, along with other characters, settings, etc.

The way Eric moves between settings also isn't very smooth. I suggest showing his trek: Did he have to dodge crowds, was he anxious to be late, was he worried about his appearance, as he did just wake up on a beach. Little things like that. Instead, all I know is that he ran for ten minutes, and if that's so, were his legs tired or did his lungs burn? Just little details to really suck the audience in.

My only other major point is Eric's character display. In both Hunter and Rachel's pov, I had a good grasp on who their characters were, but I lack that with Eric. Perhaps this was intentional, but if not, I would try to add a few hints into Eric's traits as a character, whether that be through the way he observes his surroundings, the things he worries about and why, or just his thoughts and what plagues his mind. Instead, it felt a bit dry, and with what he had just gone through, I feel as though more would be bothering him and this unstable mindset would be apparent through his behaviors. Obviously, as this is in first person, his expressions or behaviors don't have to be stated explicitly, but perhaps walk us through his thought processes.

Some interesting lines:

I’ve never tried it on someone who still had a sense to lose.

This was very interesting to me... I can't wait to read more about this concept of those with influence also losing some aspect of themselves.

I silently hoped that it was my bloodied shirt that I was sending them to find, but knowing the games the Leader like to play, it was certainly possible.

This sentence I was just a bit confused by. Was it a typo and meant to say: "I silently hoped that it wasn't my bloodied shirt..." or was that intentional?

Besides these things, the only other critique I have is in regards to stronger descriptive words and more "showing". But I've already talked a bit about that in other reviews so I'll leave it at that.

I loved this chapter though, and I can't wait to see what happens with Eric. I can't wait to see if Rachel finds out about this double life he has been leading! I absolutely love this concept of influence. It's very unique. Like magic yet more realistic, in a sense. (sense, sixth sense, haha puns) I always love when magic is incorporated into a modern world setting, although the execution is sometimes awkward. You execute it perfectly, though. I wonder what Splinter's goals are... Can't wait to find out!

mordax






Thank you! ^^ The lost in mind section I added on a whim, so I agree there is definitely more I can explore with that! (I also realize now that I never came back to this idea, later on, so I might have to do a bit more exploring with it, especially when revising ^^) Also the point of the transition between beach and forest was that Cobalt used his influence to teleport him there! And I didn't want to spend too much time with him actually running there because it didn't matter as much, but that would also work as a place for Eric to process what he'd just experienced, so I may expand more there. This was really helpful, so thank you again!!




Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.
— Willie Nelson