Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
A/N: This is the chapter where the novel starts to get dark. This chapter deals with brainwashing and torture.
Chapter 4 - Hunter ~ Word Count: 1836
The barren hallway was almost completely still, the sound of my boots against the concrete the only things disturbing the silence. I passed countless evenly spaced doors, each exactly like the last: made of solid metal, locked from the outside, and filled with suffering. Just from feeling the energy behind each door, I could tell who was inside and how far along in assimilation they were. It brought a smile to my lips, knowing that in time each of these Husks would be full members of Splinter.
It won’t much longer until my own Husk will be making that transition, I thought to myself, gripping the blank mask in my hand a little tighter.
It had been two weeks since I acquired this person and started my work on preparing his entry into Splinter, a process which was far from voluntary. He had an intensity and strength to his thoughts that reminded me of another Husk I also inducted, who had risen to be a Captain named Raine. This did mean, unfortunately, that he was stubborn and clung to his last shreds of identity with the desperation of a dying man. It made my job very difficult.
No matter. I stopped when I reached his door, my hand curling against the cold metal door handle. My breathing stilled. It will end today.
Using my influence, I pulled some of the strings of reality and turned the usual appearance of my mask into a blank, looking the same as the one in my hand. Then, I pushed the door open to reveal a tiny, white cell with an unconscious man lying along the back wall. He stayed completely still as the door opened and I stepped inside, chest faintly heaving to signal he was still alive.
The door slammed shut with a crash. He didn’t stir. Then, I stared down at him and pushed into his mind. There was no resistance as I poured into him, took over him, and examined the wasteland that was once full of life and thought. I listened very closely for something, anything to signal that he might be conscious on some level as he laid there. His breath was rugged and tired as his withered body struggled on.
Just as I expected, I felt a flicker of something, be it irrational defiance or pure terror. I couldn’t tell the difference anymore, but that meant he still had self-preservation. He had an identity to protect. Oh, that just won’t do. His eyes flashed open, filled to the brim with fear as I forcefully pulled him back into consciousness.
His first and only thought was his name, which I didn’t entertain by reading. I kicked him in the gut and forced a string of nine digits in the place where that thought used to be. He let out a pitiful grunt, body too exhausted to react more, and tried to scramble to remember the thought I had replaced. He was much slower than he used to be, his brain reacting in entire seconds as his mind tried to continue fighting.
Using influence, I activated his pain receptors and reemphasized the number in the place where his name once resided. He let out a wail as he fought to sit up and clutched his arm close to him. The more he fought, the more pain he felt as I made his nerves feel like they were being burned alive, but never allowed it to dull or ebb away. It was like choking the final bits of life in his mind until it lost the ability to fight.
After several minutes of this endeavor, he finally fell limp, and the last bits of resistance faded away. The pain passed and all that was left inside was that number I had implanted. I hoped that this would be enough to move to the next phase.
I let the mask in my fingers fall to the ground with a loud clatter. There was no reaction as it settled just a few inches from his face, his eyes glazed over maybe not even seeing it. Then, from within his mind, I called his number. His brain lit up with the memory that number inspired, the only memory he had left.
Pick it up, I ordered, indicating what I wanted by stimulating the motor region of his brain. His limp fingers shook as he lifted his hand off the ground. He moved very slowly, but I was pleased to see no sign of thought or mental reaction to the command at all. It took some time, but eventually his trembling hand closed around mask, before immediately falling limp again.
Stand. This order took much more prompting for him to follow, as I repeated it several times before he started to move through the motion. Each time he did not respond, I would call upon the number and his muscles would jerk into action. As he slowed, I would repeat the process. It would not be long before the learned the consequences of ignoring orders. Soon, he stood before me, his head slumped down to his chest.
Look at me. His head rose steadily, eyes glassy and distant while he looked at my blank mask.
Put it on. This order seemed to give him some level of discomfort, as I anticipated the possibility of another resurgence of his will. Instead of simply resorting to his number again, I gave him a sense of serenity and calmness, urging him very gently to put the mask on. While I kept the tone firm to reiterate that I had clearly given an order, I hoped that the positive association with the mask and obedience would keep his mind complacent for further training.
After a silent deliberation, his hand moved towards his face before it finally disappeared behind the mask. As darkness consumed his vision, and he experienced the symphony of the universe swallow his senses, there was complete quiet in his mind. By sitting in complete silence and only being able to feel the universe, he would eventually be able to have influence of his own over it. This was how every member of Splinter achieved their incredible power.
I ordered him to sit down against the wall, and he once again slumped over, but the mask stayed held against his face. It would never again come off until he was mature enough to be able to take it off himself. A wicked smile tore across my face as I let out a vicious laugh. The hardest part was over, and all that was left was molding him into a perfect, obedient Grunt. After he gained influence, of course.
With that, I left the cell and locked it behind me. Another job well done. A light feeling of pride bubbled inside me, knowing that I was furthering the Great Leader’s goals by adding to his army. I could hear his voice now. By enslaving minds now, we would be freeing more later, he might say.
It was not long before I reached the end of the holding cells and walked into the base’s main hallway. At one end was the large set of doors that lead into where the Leader stayed, somewhere that only Admins were even allowed to approach without summons. On the opposite, down another long stretch of hallways as the common training areas and eventually the Grunt and Officer quarters.
I kept walking straight to where both the Captains and Admirals reside. The Captains’ quarters were split into two separate sections, each positioned across from one another. Instead of returning to my chamber, I decided to keep going forward and pay the Admirals a visit, since I wanted to talk to Grey about the upcoming raid. Typically, Captains wouldn’t dare enter the Admiral section of the base uninvited, but as I had been working with Grey for years, I was often welcomed to hang out with the three of them.
Grey and another Admiral, Blaine, were sitting at a table at the back of the room when I walked in, each of them staring at a chessboard with varying levels of intensity. Before I could speak, Grey looked over to me and gave me a smile. “Hunter! I was wondering when you’d show up.”
Her mask was set on the seat beside her, so she looked at me with soft hazel eyes as waves of brown hair settled on her shoulders. Not wanting to be disrespectful, I pulled off both my mask and the dark hood I wore underneath it. I blinked a few times to readjust to using my eyes as, well, actual eyes, and then returned the smile. Though I didn’t often notice it when wearing the mask, I was grateful to be able to hear my own thoughts more clearly without it.
“Is this the rematch?” I asked before taking a seat on the floor between them. Blaine didn’t look at me, instead examining his options on a board that didn’t seem to be in his favor. This made Grey laugh her light, carefree laugh.
“It’s the rematch of the rematch,” she said. “Blaine insisted we do one without our masks so he could watch me more carefully.” She shrugged her shoulders and feigned an innocent look, but the mischievous grin didn’t leave her lips. “So, how’s the Husk?”
“There was some good progress today,” I said, nodding along. “I might even be able to pick up a new one in the upcoming raid.”
“Well, that’s great news!” she said. There was a light pause as she picked up a piece immediately after Blaine made his decision and set it down seemingly at random. Then, she continued, “I was beginning to wonder if a normal had finally beaten you.”
Heat flushed to my cheeks as a wave of irritation hit me. “It wasn’t that long. We all have a few that take a bit longer than we anticipate.”
An easy smile danced
on her face as she laughed again. “I’m just giving you a hard time. It’s no big
deal. Like you said, it happens to the best of us.” Her radiant smile was
infectious as I noticed my own lips curling up. I could never stay angry when
she seemed so relaxed.
I laid back onto my hands and looked at the board again, which still had very
little change. In the silence, I noticed that Blaine kept his thoughts close to
himself and his mental barriers high, which I attributed to him not wanting
Grey to use them to her advantage. I let out an audible yawn, which caused his
eyes to flicker towards me before he replaced them on the table.
“Yeah, Blaine, are you going to do anything today?” she teased.
“She’s a poor influence on you,” he mumbled to me, and we both broke out laughing again. When Grey looked at me with joy in her eyes, my heart drummed in my chest as warmth spread through me. It was great seeing her happy.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter MTOHS - Chapter 4.2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there! Sorry for the wait on this review but here I am!
To be honest, I haven't taken a look at the other reviews, so if I repeat anything, I apologize. Also, it has been a while since I have read the last chapters, so if I repeat anything from them or seem confused on something you have already clarified, just ignore me. Let's get started!
Just a grammar, nit-picky thing but I think you meant "It won't be much longer..."
This might just be me, but "cold metal door handle" is a bit of a mouthful, and while the description is great, it doesn't flow very well. I would suggest describing the handle in another way or even omit the word "door" as the handle is already implied to belong to the door.
I might be wrong in this, but I believe the word you mean is "ragged" as rugged often describes rough terrain or something strong and well-built.
I loved this part. It carries a lot of tones of brainwashing (which I always love seeing in books as it is a problem that is constantly rampant in our reality) and I think you displayed those tones perfectly. It's even more rare, from my experience, to see brainwashing shown from the person doing the brainwashing. Of course, Hunter has been brainwashed himself and is at the whims of his superiors, however, we see him doing what has likely been done to him without regret, and rather exuberance and gusto. And to show this man's "terror" being a connection to his own identity being intact is perfect, for someone with nothing to protect would have nothing to fear. Wonderful job.
This part is amazing and also really interesting. Here, you utilize a lot of reinforcement techniques discovered by early psychologists in training both animals and humans to do the desired behaviors (or not do the undesired ones). I love how you describe it here almost as if Hunter is training a dog. His thought process is not one people often have when disciplining or rewarding humans for their behavior, but I know I have thought about my actions this way when training my dog, thinking about how my actions in reference to this animals will establish whether this behavior is good or bad and whether or not it should be continued. This is super interesting to explore in reference to brainwashing humans and it is also interesting in exploring how we are not so much different than these animals we train and tame.
Again, because I am a bit shaky on what has happened in the last chapters, disregard this if this information has already been clarified. However, I was under the impression the influence was something that they were born with. This is really interesting to learn that it is something given by Splinter. This organization that is violent and extreme has such power at its disposal to grant to their "followers"... Very scary indeed.
You say "behind me" then "inside me" and that repetition kind of disrupted the flow in my opinion. I would suggest changing the wording of the second part, perhaps: "pride bubbled inside my chest" or something in order to avoid the similar sentence structure.
That's really all I have! I do have to say that I am invested in Hunter and Grey's relationship. They seem like such close friends and I already feel for them and am rooting for their friendship, which is props to you and your characterization. Overall, wonderful addition!! See you in the next one!
Mordax
Sorry for the slow response, but thank you for the review! ^^ Also to clarify, I think it's new information that influence is given to people in Splinter, but it was established that Eric does have influence! It hasn't been said how he got his. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!
Hey Wolfe! I see you have chapter 4 out now. Incoming review!
I think you meant "..appreance of my mask blank," or "...into a blank stare." The line just looked off to me.If I remember correctly one of my reviews said something along the lines of, "We don't know if the DAI or Splinter are the good or bad guys." I think this chapter part definitely got us soundly in the "Splinter being bad" column. Splinter gets their followers by force, from what I've seen from Hunter. A question this rises is, "Can you come into Splinter under your own will? And did Hunter and Grey come like this or were they forced?" I bring up that question in particular because the husk Hunter was violating looked really mindless and needed prompting. Maybe you can add on, if it's your intention, in a conversation with Blaine, Grey, and Hunter that they'll become fully functioning in *insert time amount here*.
I think I also have mixed feelings about influence now. It first came across as something that you are either born with or not, with a "normal" being someone without it. But later I know you can train to use your influence like the force. But now here I'm learning that influence can be given by an already strong influence user. I dunno if it feels like influence is just not special anymore or what. But Perhaps you can make it so there is a difference between "natural" and "artificial" influence with natural being harder to put under control by the DAI but artificial is stronger in it's ways. You could play around with it if you like the idea.
One last thing is this line
Now that I'm done with critiques, let me praise the work. Something that I think you excelled at here is dialogue. It comes off really natural like Hunter and Grey are really comfortable with one another. And your describing sentences add to the conversation without too many unnecessary details. Great job on that!
I also love this part. I really see that Blain has a fiery personality (haha get it, Blaine?) and I think he'd be a great counterpart to William. Both having a headstrong capability to them but on different sides. I also love this part for another reason, Romantic tension!!! Well maybe not romantic but Hunter has a special place in his heart for Grey. I can just see in the future that Hunter will get overwhelmed by plot and try to save/do something for Grey but she shuts him down because it's not the appropriate time or because she's all business. It might be a little cliché but cliché doesn't always mean bad.
But that's all I have for today! I hope you found some of this useful. I also hope that you find writing MTOHS comes easier in the near future. I love reading it! Anyway byeeeeeeee<3333
Thank you for the review!! And yup, Splinter is definitely, solidly bad xD And yeah, as you saw in the next part, they eventually get some autonomy back after some time, but I like your suggestion of adding in a timeline! I%u2019ll keep that in mind
also glad you%u2019re enjoying the story so far! I also hadn%u2019t thought of the comparison of Blaine to William but I kind of see it and I also kind of dig it! Maybe I%u2019ll do more with it!
Hi Wolfe,


Mailice here with a short review!
It's been a while since I read the last chapter. Phew, I hope I still remember everything, otherwise I apologise now if I mention something that was already described before.
I really like how your structure alternates between longer and shorter sentences to create a kind of "wave flow" where you get up and down. This, and Hunter's perspective, makes for a good style that you can relate to as coming from one person. It also gives you that self-reflection and makes it easier to empathise as a reader.
I also like how your writing style changes as Hunter pours into the man. You write it in an interesting way that makes it hard for the reader to imagine and yet easy. I get the impression that it's like a flicker of a light switch going on and off and because of that it feels to me like Hunter is going deeper, almost like diving to the bottom in the ocean.
Another good piece of writing, too, is when Hunter is controlling the man. It seems like a manual at the beginning where he gives the command and then the exposition is described, the further it goes you realise how Hunter seems like a puppet master. I like the layout and presentation of it as it stands out again from the rest of the text.
Other points I noticed while reading:
Your opening paragraph has already turned out very well. I like how the narration makes you fall right into the story and how you can really picture Hunter walking down the hall.
You use "door" twice in one sentence here. I think you can also write "cold metal handle" here, because the reader already knows that Hunter is outside the door.
Here you repeat "door" again and I think you could rewrite it in the second sentence in particular so that Hunter explains whether the door is squeaky, solid or special in some way. (Maybe it resembles a safe door?)
I think "the" disappeared between around and mask here.
The first "the" should be a "he". Where I'm not sure is to what extent "learned" is correct here. Shouldn't it be "before he would learn"?
I like this sentence. It seems ominous and terrible at the beginning but is like a big bang in the second half where everything becomes bright and the light dominates. It seems like an implosion.
Here is where I wonder how far Hunter would go to fulfil the Great Leader's goals. I also wonder here if Hunter himself is freethinking and telling himself that what he wants to achieve is correct. Maybe I'm interpreting too far or thinking too much about some plot twists, but at the same time it keeps me reading here too.
I like the chapter. I like how the division at the beginning goes more into the gritty and you describe the act of portraying mindcontrolling a man, and later you go back to the dialogue. I think after that build up and "stress" the reader had during the scene. (I definitely had reservations about it and am trying to come to terms with how it might work in a psychological way). Still, I like your portrayal and think this is the best point of the story. The descriptions in this seem unique and special and not like you see in many science fiction stories.
In summary, it was a classy chapter. I liked the calm way you moved the plot along and yet managed to use different types of styles to portray the different levels / moments.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Thanks for the review! I%u2019m glad you enjoyed it overall
I was a bit nervous about this part since I didn%u2019t want it to feel too heavy or dark for the reader, but I still wanted to portray the way people get into Splinter since it%u2019s important to know! Also, I like the questions you have about Hunter at the end of your review
I hope they become more clear as the novel goes on!